composition 1 help

[sonoma1993]

One of my childhood memories is going to the Rapids Water Park in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. I can remember going there with my parents, my sister Danielle, my brother Ryan, my Aunt Kathy and my two cousins Kelly and Heather. One of the things I enjoyed the most at the water park was going down the three big water slides. All three slides were long, twisty and would dump you into a huge pool at the end of each one. To this day, I can still remember making race car noises as I was going down the water slides and splashing into the huge pool. I can also remember when my mom spiraled out of control going the down the water slide making a huge splash falling into the pool

What kind of improvements do you guys suggest I make to this paragraph? It for my final draft.

 

[Goosemaster]

All three slides were long, twisty, and would dump you into a huge pool at the end of each one.

I can also remember when my mom spiraled out of control going the down the water slide and made a huge splash when she fell into the pool

 

[Biggerhammer]

You use 'remember' or its variants about four times.

 

[Yossarian]

and you use "into the pool" in each of the last 3 sentences. it is a bit redundant.

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: Yossarian
and you use "into the pool" in each of the last 3 sentences. it is a bit redundant.

more than a bit....get descriptive but not to an annoying extent.

instead of saying that shell tumbed down into the pool, be more descriptive about the situation...

fror example, here are some sample questions/thoughts to get you thingking?

was she in the tube with you at the same time as you? if not, then technically you saw it from a distance if that....since it was spiral slide you probably didn't, no?


if you didn't see, maybe you heard it right? was she screaming? di you hear her crashing agaisnt the sides of the slides?


For example: ( jsut made this up)


I remember when my buddy jonsey and I used to go to the water slides at Six flags. that guy was a complete wreck when he got up there. it's as if he had been ignoring the, literally, thousands of steps that we waited hours on the get up there.


and/or

Seeing him go down that sldie the first time was priceless. The guy had been a complete wreck at the top, breaking into what I thought were seizures and talking about how he "had to get down now." Poor jonsey just sat there, seemingly paralyzed when he sat down in the slide launch pool. He had lost his nerve, and was now oblivious to everything, and people behind us were getting antsy. Finally out of patience, the operator gave him a good shove from the back and he was off, too stunned to do anything about it. I swear, those screams were heard for miles. The poor fool was sturggling to grasp onto anything on his way down too, and you could hear his wailing and his body crashing against the sides of the slides all the way down. Finally, seeing him fly out into the wading pool, even from my perch highup at the beginning of the ride was priceless. The poor guy flew out head first, and then proceeded to do everything humanly possible to drown himself out of panic. Finally, a few lifeguards calmed him down and got him out safely.
Needless to say, he was not, and never will be, able to live it down.

 

[Goosemaster]

dammnit..this thread died quickly..what did I say? 🙁

 

[fitzov]

First sentence needs to summarize. Start with 'To this day, I can still remember...'

 

[Sentinel]

A favorite childhood memory of mine is traveling with my family to the Rapids Water Park in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. One of the things I enjoyed the most was speeding down the large water slides. At the end of each of the three twisty slides, a person was thrown into a huge pool. To this day, I can still remember making car noises as I was sliding down. My mom even spiraled out of control and landed head first into a pool!

Better?

 

[montanafan]

How about something like this:

One of my favorite childhood memories is going to the Rapids Water Park in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida with my family. The best thing about the water park were these three long winding water slides that ended in a large pool. I loved making race car noises as I swooped through the twists and turns. I?ll never forget the time my mom spiraled out of control as she went down the slide and made a huge splash at the bottom.

 

[Xonoahbin]

Maybe something like..

One of my fondest recollections from childhood was when we traveled to the Rapids Water Park in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. I recall visiting the park with my parents, my sister Danielle, my brother Ryan, my Aunt Kathy as well as my two cousins, Kelly and Heather. Some of the most enjoyable moments were rushing down three gargantuan water slides. Each slide was long, spiraling and would dump you into a large pool of water at the end. To this day, I still remember making race car noises as I whooshed down the slides, dropping into the water with a great splash. I also recall my mother spiraling out of control, going down the slide, and making an astonishing splash as she fell into the pool.