CHILI COOK-OFFS
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is!
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
comes
to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome!
You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you
are
like me, you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from an inexperienced Chili Tester named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas
from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that'
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is
in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all the beer.
_____________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it; is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly
on it from
a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me
off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames.
I crap myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my
lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers
at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
Number
3,
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match
my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is!
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
comes
to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome!
You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you
are
like me, you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from an inexperienced Chili Tester named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas
from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that'
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is
in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all the beer.
_____________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it; is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly
on it from
a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pissed me
off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice
and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames.
I crap myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my
lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
______________________________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers
at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
Number
3,
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match
my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
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