Care to share with me some of your thoughs on this $ subject...

[Meractik]

Okay Anandtech heres the deal, I am a current active military navy member who prior to joining lived with my mother for 2 years and the whole time at the age of 21 held a job, went to school and helped my mother to pay bills she is disabled and fighting her ex-husband my stepdad for a divorce and its getting very nasty, right now shes finished fighting for workmans comp and other things for disability and won.

However now comes the actual filing for divorce, my stepdad does not want her to have ANYTHING and is fighting real hard to make sur eshe gets nothing, however they where married and my mom is entitled to half of things and wants ALOT.

I have already gave my mother lots of money in helping for rent and everything for her house which ultimately she had to move out of and now is renting an apartment, she contacts me now and says theres NO WAY in the world she is going to be able to make it through the divorce without my help. I ask her how much money she thinks she'll need, she can't give me any monetary amount, she says she would need me to continue to pay her money until its over so she can afford the lawyer fees, she also says id get it all back and i say when will i get it back (because pretty much everything id pay her would leave me broke *thank god the navy feeds and houses me*) but i want your opinions, i mean i feel im entitled to go about my own life and not need to keep dishing out money for her, but then again without me giving her money she has nobody else.... Keep in mind, while she is my mother ive only lived with her or had her be 'motherly' like for the last 2-3 years (im 21) the rest of my life was spent with my dad with visits from her sometimes on holidays...

 

[JS80]

So she's milking us taxpayer for woker's comp/diability...
She wants half your stepdad's assets...did she contribute to any of it?

Sounds like your mother needs to cut her losses and get her life back on track. She sounds like an entitlement *****. I would cut her off so she learns her lesson.

 

[Koing]

If you can afford to lend her £££ then I would do it. She is your MOTHER. But if you couldn't afford to do it and live then I would understand and I'm sure she will also.

What about your father? Does't he help her out?

Koing

 

[Meractik]

JS80:
she really does have a problem with her nerves in her neck and shoulders from repeditive stress injury, she would prefer to go back to work but can't, she literally takes enough drugs to feel normal and not in pain that it would knock out a horse.

she contributed to my stepdads house which is a big part in half of his assets she wants because she put forth lots of money into new siding, the kitchen, redoing the hallways/bedroom etc...

Koing:
I could very much i believe send her some money monthly but its going to leave me at a balance of $0 and while I can live off that because housing and meals are provided in the navy, i would prefer to not have to limit myself to nothing, but everytime i talk to her on the phone she cries when i mention ill do my best but i might not be able to cover all of it..and she can't really provide me with much indept details about how much she needs... and she has yet to go without things she doesn't exactly need either like cable tv, high speed internet, she has a huge big screen tv she can try to sell not to mention my car which i told her if she could sell she could have the $ from it, its worth about $4k easy..

my father doesn't help her out because hes not the one that shes divorcing this time, shes divorcing my step-father, her second husband. my dad and mom divorced long ago and it was very quiet and they didn't fight just went their seperate ways..

 

[bloodugly]

Well, until she started dumping things that aren't neccesary, like broadband...which I'm sure plenty of us have been without at one time or another and still lived....I wouldn't be in any hurry to give her anything.

 

[Cookie]

Originally posted by: Meractik
JS80:
she really does have a problem with her nerves in her neck and shoulders from repeditive stress injury, she would prefer to go back to work but can't, she literally takes enough drugs to feel normal and not in pain that it would knock out a horse.

she contributed to my stepdads house which is a big part in half of his assets she wants because she put forth lots of money into new siding, the kitchen, redoing the hallways/bedroom etc...

Koing:
I could very much i believe send her some money monthly but its going to leave me at a balance of $0 and while I can live off that because housing and meals are provided in the navy, i would prefer to not have to limit myself to nothing, but everytime i talk to her on the phone she cries when i mention ill do my best but i might not be able to cover all of it..and she can't really provide me with much indept details about how much she needs... and she has yet to go without things she doesn't exactly need either like cable tv, high speed internet, she has a huge big screen tv she can try to sell not to mention my car which i told her if she could sell she could have the $ from it, its worth about $4k easy..

my father doesn't help her out because hes not the one that shes divorcing this time, shes divorcing my step-father, her second husband. my dad and mom divorced long ago and it was very quiet and they didn't fight just went their seperate ways..

Sounds sketchy to me, with the crying when you tell her you might not be able to and not making an effort on her own to help (like selling the TV, cutting out cable, etc). If you do decide to help her on the assumption that she will repay you when the divorce is settled, I'd make sure to get that promise in writing.
Mother's are supposed to be helping their children out financially to get started in life, not the other way around. If you start paying her now, you may end up supporting her through the rest of her life. Maybe that's ok, maybe it's not. But considering she wasn't a mother to you for most of your life... that's for you to decide.

 

[sandmanwake]

Just my opinion, but unless you can get a clear picture from her what her expenses are don't give her any money. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she's looking out for your best interest. No way of knowing if she's taking all your money and spending it on necessities or if she is going to spend some/most of it on luxuries--cable tv, cell phone, etc. Lets give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she's not going to spend your money on luxuries. She's still probably not thinking clearly right now, so do you really want to pretty much give your entire savings to someone who haven't even thought about what their expenses will be to figure out how to best spend it so it'll cover as much necessary expenses as possible?

Also, lets be honest here, you're probably never going to see any of that money back if you give her anything. Do you want to spend the rest of your life supporting her or do you want to be able to support yourself and maybe your own wife and children someday?

 

[Meractik]

all the points you guys hit on are exactly what ive been thinking myself and other level headed people above me ive spoken to here in the navy also tell me to be cautious with what i do with my money so that ill have something for my future as well, i just wanted to make sure i wasn't just being a tight wad and there was some validitiy to what i was thinking and not just being grinchy.

 

[FoBoT]

she is your mother NOT your daughter, cut her off

 

[JS80]

If you're going to be giving her money (I agree with sandman, this is not a "loan," you won't get paid back for this) then you should put your foot down and take over her finances line by line and put her on a budget.

 

[bctbct]

If she just won a work comp case, what happened to that settlement?

 

[huberm]

lets see your mother just mysteriously appeared back into your life a few years ago, after only seeing her on a holiday every once in a while?

Sounds to me like she has never really been a mother to you. When has she cared about your well being?

You have to always watch out for yourself before others. If lending her the money would make it impossible for you to live (or very hard), don't lend it to her. Its not your fault they are getting a divorce, and you don't see your stepdad asking for money.

 

[ngvepforever2]

As someone else mentioned, whatever happened before she is still your mother. If it's in your power to help her, you should do it. Not permanently, and as most of the people here put it, you should take over her finances and give her a budget to follow. Nonetheless, you 'll have to make a sacrifice in the end.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Regards

ng

 

[Cattlegod]

Originally posted by: bctbct
If she just won a work comp case, what happened to that settlement?

 

[j00fek]

Originally posted by: Cattlegod

Originally posted by: bctbct
If she just won a work comp case, what happened to that settlement?

good question, might have to call shens here

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Meractik
I could very much i believe send her some money monthly but its going to leave me at a balance of $0 and while I can live off that because housing and meals are provided in the navy, i would prefer to not have to limit myself to nothing, but everytime i talk to her on the phone she cries when i mention ill do my best but i might not be able to cover all of it..and she can't really provide me with much indept details about how much she needs... and she has yet to go without things she doesn't exactly need either like cable tv, high speed internet, she has a huge big screen tv she can try to sell not to mention my car which i told her if she could sell she could have the $ from it, its worth about $4k easy..

my father doesn't help her out because hes not the one that shes divorcing this time, shes divorcing my step-father, her second husband. my dad and mom divorced long ago and it was very quiet and they didn't fight just went their seperate ways..

You're being used. You are obligated to make sure she is housed and fed, but anything after that is her responsibility. If she has enough money to pay for those things, she doesn't need your help - the fact that she's asking for it anyway seems to indicate she's a user.

My mother's a user, too - I know how hard it is. But you have to cut her off and be strong. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it is to free yourself. One day you're going to want a wife and a family, and what woman is going to want your leech of a mother into the marriage?

 

[sandmanwake]

Originally posted by: ngvepforever2
As someone else mentioned, whatever happened before she is still your mother. If it's in your power to help her, you should do it. Not permanently, and as most of the people here put it, you should take over her finances and give her a budget to follow. Nonetheless, you 'll have to make a sacrifice in the end.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Regards

ng

Oh, for f*ck sake. I get so sick and tired of people saying that someone is obligated to help their parents/family/siblings no matter what. People need to understand that not everyone was lucky enough to have parent/family/siblings who won't take advantage of them even while professing to love them. Such advice does nothing except make people like to OP feel guilty that he's not doing "the right thing" and sacrificing his life and any hope of a life with his own family someday just to support someone who wants to leech off him. If the OP chooses to listen to such advice, he's going to get reamed over and over.

The OP's mother hasn't been in his life except for the past two years and hasn't even been willing to get rid of unneeded luxuries before asking for money from the OP. Hell, she's not even willing to tell him what all her expenses are, she just wants all his money.

Edit:
As for helping her by taking over her finances--good advice in theory, but personally I think it'll still bring a heap of trouble for the OP. His choice though and if he chooses to help at all, this is probably the safest way for him. Hope he knows enough not to put any of her bills in his name or cosign for anything. That way when he finds out she's a user it'll be easier for him to cut his loses and leave her to burn.

 

[Meractik]

Originally posted by: j00fek

Originally posted by: Cattlegod

Originally posted by: bctbct
If she just won a work comp case, what happened to that settlement?

good question, might have to call shens here

She keeps me in the dark on most of what goes on with her, she claims all the money she needs from me now is just to pay for an ongoing fight with my stepdad to settle in a divorce to pay her lawyer fee's.

She appearntly had a workmans comp case and it was appealed and went through again and now after the appeal shes won it again (i guess, this is what she tells me)

Her checks are just starting to come back but shes being held up on lawyers fees and she just told me the other day after wanting me to part with 1k a month to give to her that she talked to her lawyer and her lawyer can do 500 a month and she wants to know if i could give her that.

I wanted to yell at her and tell her NO stop asking me and do the things ive told you to get that money - sell my car, or go without internet or sell your big tv (she still has a nice 23" tv she can use its not like she would be without tv...) she just makes me feel so guilty but yet I also want to worry about my future and put some money away for myself, I have already given her 1350.00 in one lump sum and not to mention however much i spent to help pay for a house she ended up moving out of anyways (so its like i threw that money away, since that house is up for sale now..) all of which I am fine with never seeing any of this money again, but to make some on-going payments to her now just seems like to much money! :/

 

[chusteczka]

Suggest having her lawyer request a monthly stipend for living expenses from her husband.

 

[chusteczka]

Originally posted by: Meractik
She keeps me in the dark on most of what goes on with her, she claims all the money she needs from me now is just to pay for an ongoing fight with my stepdad to settle in a divorce to pay her lawyer fee's.

...

I wanted to yell at her and tell her NO stop asking me and do the things ive told you to get that money - sell my car, or go without internet or sell your big tv (she still has a nice 23" tv she can use its not like she would be without tv...) she just makes me feel so guilty but yet I also want to worry about my future and put some money away for myself, I have already given her 1350.00 in one lump sum and not to mention however much i spent to help pay for a house she ended up moving out of anyways (so its like i threw that money away, since that house is up for sale now..) all of which I am fine with never seeing any of this money again, but to make some on-going payments to her now just seems like to much money! :/

It appears as if she is manipulating you. That is not nice.

It is not your responsibility to pay for your mom's liabilities and if she is making you feel guilty then you should break free and let her manage things on her own.