MSN Autos columnist Lawrence Ulrich sounds off about how keyless entry systems are gizmos gone bad.
Keyless Isn't Painless
Key-fob foibles multiply as keys disappear.
By Lawrence Ulrich of MSN Autos
Today, I'm talking about gizmos gone bad. That gadget in your car that sounds so ingenious, until you live with it. Then you realize it's not technology, but drecknology.
The latest offender? Keyless entry systems. If the carmakers haven't yet converted you, the systems detect a remote fob in your pocket. You just walk up, open the doors and start the engine via a dashboard button. I will admit that the systems save precisely 2.7 seconds of daily fumbling for keys, and may spare some carpal-tunnel survivor from having to turn a key.
Of course, automakers love keyless cars, and they want you to love them. That's because the real profits today are on options, these hugely marked-up gadgets. And while keyless systems were once limited to luxury cars, they're rapidly trickling down to the Nissans and Chevys of the world.
Like a Korean monster movie, keyless technology is a story of unintended consequences. It's what happens when engineers get a great idea, but don't consider how people use their cars in the real world.
Remarkably, these devices have yet to spark a public flogging like BMW's iDrive mouse control, which after six years is still daring owners to switch between AM and FM without proper medication. But even iDrive won't steal money from your pocket, make you vulnerable to thieves, or leave you stranded. Keyless entry can do all those things, some of which I've experienced.
Message board: Are keyless systems a convenienceor a consumer's headache? Voice your opinion!
Dude, Where's My Car? Especially in major cities—or anywhere people use valet and attended parking—keyless systems have created an unforeseen headache. Drivers hand over the running car, take the valet ticket and walk away, with the remote key still in their pocket. The second the valet shuts off the engine, the car becomes an immovable obstacle. That can force workers to put cars up on rolling jacks to move them by hand.
In New York and L.A., fed-up garages are charging walkaway owners an extra $50 or even $100 when they return, sheepishly holding the keys. It's happened to me more than once. And if you think valets are surly now, wait 'til you show up after they've been pushing your dead car around the lot.
Many owners leave their keyless fob in the car while they're driving, usually in a cupholder (side beef: with no handy place to put the fob, it wastes a perfectly good cup space). As you'd expect, some drivers accidentally leave the fob inside the car, where anyone could use them to steal their ride. The cars flash a message to not forget the key, but they also chirp when the door's ajar, so it's pretty easy to ignore.
It gets worse. With today's cars running so quietly, some owners pull up, get distracted and forget to push the engine-off button. They walk away from their still-running car. Owners have reported returning and finding their car had idled until it ran out of gas.
Sure, you could space out and leave a traditional car running. But it's unlikely, because you have to shut off the engine by removing the key and then locking the car. With keyless systems, you don't. The critical physical link between the key, the locks and the running car has been broken.
A "Remote" Problem At Kansas City's airport in April, I dropped a sleek Mercedes-Benz S-Class at the curb. A driver working for the manufacturer was there to pick it up. I never handed him the key. Why would I? The car was idling right in front of us, we shook hands, and the guy took off.
My cell phone rang 10 minutes later. The Mercedes had flashed a message that it could no longer detect the key, warned that it would shut itself down, and promptly cut its engine while the frantic driver steered onto the shoulder. He was stranded, with no way to restart the car.
With my flight boarding, I had just enough time to call a cab, give him the keys and tell him the Benz's location. Fortunately, the kind cabbie tracked down the Mercedes and delivered the precious key.
As you can imagine, that driver could easily have been the spouse or friend who accompanies you to the airport in the passenger seat, then takes over at the wheel. And that exact situation is happening at airports, train stations and workplaces. I've heard reports of people actually making it onto planes with keyless remotes, leaving family members stranded, unable to restart the car.
My advice? Resist at all costs, at least until version 3.0 arrives. For now, I'll keep my current, primitive keys, despite the inconvenience of having to reach into my pocket. With keyless entry, I've had about as much convenience as I can stand.
A Michigan native raised and forged in Detroit and a former auto critic at the Detroit Free Press, Lawrence Ulrich now lives in Brooklyn, New York. His reviews and features appear regularly in The New York Times, Robb Report, Popular Science and Travel + Leisure Golf.
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