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Can someone help me revise this sentence?

M

manlymatt83

Lifer
Topic: The partial abandonment of African colonies by colonizing nations during African Decolonization.

Thesis: During the Decolonization of Africa, ruling nations led colonies to believe that their independence was imminent, yet many kept firm economic, political, and financial ties to former colonies, misleading the belief of independence.



Does everyone understand what I mean by that thesis?
 
Originally posted by: iroast
There should be 2 sentences in that thesis line.
Click to expand...


Like this:


Thesis: During the Decolonization of Africa, ruling nations led colonies to believe that their independence was imminent. Yet many kept firm economic, political, and financial ties to former colonies, misleading the belief of independence.
 
They half assed left Kenya during Kenya leaving time.

and...

During Kenya leaving time, the a-holes who oppressed them tricked their asses, yet they still kept it real.
 
Topic: The partial abandonment of African colonies during African Decolonization.

Thesis: During the Decolonization of Africa, ruling nations led colonies to believe that their independence was imminent. Yet many reserved firm economic, political, and financial ties to former colonies, thus misleading them in their belief of their upcoming independence.
 
I understand it, but it really is a run-on sentence. You could try to break it up. However, I propose just shortening it like this:

Thesis: During the decolonization of Africa, ruling nations led colonies to believe that their independence was imminent, yet many kept firm ties to former colonies.

It still isn't perfect. For example, it could still be unclear as to what "many" refers to. But I'm not going to try to rewrite your whole thing.
 
Originally posted by: mjuszczak
Topic: The partial abandonment of African colonies by colonizing nations during African Colonoscopy.

Thesis: During the Colonoscopy of Africa, ruling nations led colonies to believe that their colon was free of blockage, yet many kept force-feeding red meat to the former colonies, misleading the belief of free-flowingness.
Click to expand...

 
Originally posted by: MisterJackson
They half assed left Kenya during Kenya leaving time.

and...

During Kenya leaving time, the a-holes who oppressed them tricked their asses, yet they still kept it real.
Click to expand...

So you agree with my topic.
 
Originally posted by: mjuszczak
Topic: The partial abandonment of African colonies by colonizing nations during African Decolonization.

Thesis: During the Decolonization of Africa, ruling nations led colonies to believe that their independence was imminent, yet many kept firm economic, political, and financial ties to former colonies, misleading the belief of independence.



Does everyone understand what I mean by that thesis?
Click to expand...

Fix capitalization of "Decolonization" to "decolonization." "Led to believe" is chatty. You don't mislead beliefs, you mislead those you are misleading.
 
I prefer short and sweet:

During the Decolonization of Africa, ruling nations misled colonies to believe that their independence was imminent through (propaganda?), yet they maintained firm economic, political, and financial ties to former colonies.
 
Great, so now I hope that when my professor puts my thesis into google and this thread comes up, I won't get in trouble. I really was just looking for some good revision ideas, and I found them. Thanks guys, as usual!
 
During the decolonization of Africa, ruling nations deceived colonies into thoughts of imminent indepdence, yet they kept firm ties with the colonies economically, politically, and financially.

The word order in the sentence is vital for clarity. When I list things in a list, I prefer to keep them at the end. Your paragraphs should mirror your thesis. It's a stupid and simple method to keep your reader on track.

During the decolonization of Africa, ruling nations deceived colonies into thoughts of imminent indepdence, yet they kept firm ties with the colonies economically.

During the decolonization of Africa, ruling nations deceived colonies into thoughts of imminent indepdence, yet they kept firm ties with the colonies politically.

During the decolonization of Africa, ruling nations deceived colonies into thoughts of imminent indepdence, yet they kept firm ties with the colonies financially.



I have written this with the intention that it is for unlimited public use. You don't have to cite it. I make no claims on the validity of this information, so you don't have to cite it whatsoever. You may make the claim as your own. In fact, I did not come up with this idea, you did. You are the author of this work; I am merely the editor. No copyright infringement is taking place here.
 
Originally posted by: mjuszczak
Great, so now I hope that when my professor puts my thesis into google and this thread comes up, I won't get in trouble. I really was just looking for some good revision ideas, and I found them. Thanks guys, as usual!
Click to expand...

loKe already sent him this link
 
You should shorten it a little...it's too wordy. Try this:

Thesis: Decolonization of Africa worked great until Hurricane Katrina wiped out their primary colony in the Americas. Future growth of economic, political, and financial ties have been relocated to Houston until further notice.
 
Originally posted by: kevinthenerd
During the decolonization of Africa, ruling nations deceived colonies into thoughts of imminent indepdence, yet they kept firm ties with the colonies economically, politically, and financially.
Click to expand...

Agreed. "led to believe" doesn't work well.
 
Originally posted by: mjuszczak
Topic: The partial abandonment of African colonies by colonizing nations during African Decolonization.

Thesis: During the Decolonization of Africa, ruling nations led colonies to believe that their independence was imminent, yet many kept firm economic, political, and financial ties to former colonies, misleading the belief of independence.



Does everyone understand what I mean by that thesis?
Click to expand...

There are a few problems with your Thesis: First, decolonization does not need to be capitalized. Second, you say "ruling nations led colonies..." then later in the same sentence you say "..ties to former colonies" which is it?

Now, once you fix those, to me, your thesis seems to be saying that these colonies were not truly independent. If that is the case, then your thesis needs to revolve around that idea, tacking it on at the end makes it seem like an after-thought. Something like "The newly formed African nations were mislead by their former rulers into the belief that they were independent." Then you say why you believe they were deceived.
 
Just split it into two sentences like you did in your 2nd post, but change "yet" -> "However" .


Thesis: During the Decolonization of Africa, ruling nations led colonies to believe that their independence was imminent. However, many kept firm economic, political, and financial ties to former colonies, which mislead the belief of independence.

I changed misleading to mislead b/c you want to keep all verb tenses the same (past tense)
 
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