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can someone critique on my statement of purpose?

Its written well but it lacks that personal touch, this could have been easily written by any one else. Admissions people look to the Statement of purpose/personal statement to get to know the personality of the candidate. Your draft does not really convey that , it wont break your application but it probably may not make it "pop" either. Try to include some personal experiences/anecdotes that shaped your career choice. Things are always much easier to read when they tell a story.
Good luck with your applications
 
Originally posted by: zinkpig
Its written well but it lacks that personal touch, this could have been easily written by any one else. Admissions people look to the Statement of purpose/personal statement to get to know the personality of the candidate. Your draft does not really convey that , it wont break your application but it probably may not make it "pop" either. Try to include some personal experiences/anecdotes that shaped your career choice. Things are always much easier to read when they tell a story.
Good luck with your applications
Click to expand...

I agree with you

bump for couple more comments
 
I agree with Zin. It lacks any personality or entertainment. While I know entertainment should not be your focus, what is going to make a reviewer remember yours above others?
 
When I applied for my M.S. my statement of purpose went along the lines of:
1) What I want to do and why
2) What I have done so far towards achieving that goal
3) How this school will help me get the rest of the way there

As others said, having a personal touch showing how driven you are (if you really are) will go a long way.
 
Tell them about what YOU want to do and why, not why product development is important. If they're offering a M.S. in it, they probably know why it's important...

Also use a formal voice, it's not supposed to read as if you're having a conversation with the admission people.


Found my old one
 
thanks for the replies everyone

which section should I axe for sure and which one is worth keeping?

just trying to get outside perspectives...
 
Originally posted by: Dear Summer
anyone know of any good personal statements that displays personality?
Click to expand...

Let me get this straight:

You want someone else to write personal statements for you that convey a sense of your personality.

I hope you plan to migrate from product development to politics; then you may get speech-writers.
 
Originally posted by: 3chordcharlie
Originally posted by: Dear Summer
anyone know of any good personal statements that displays personality?
Click to expand...

Let me get this straight:

You want someone else to write personal statements for you that convey a sense of your personality.

I hope you plan to migrate from product development to politics; then you may get speech-writers.
Click to expand...

no. stop taking what i said out of context
I want to see how a personal statement that conveys personality is formed to get an idea
I am writing my own
 
Originally posted by: Dear Summer
no. stop taking what i said out of context
I want to see how a personal statement that conveys personality is formed to get an idea
I am writing my own
Click to expand...

How could it be out of context? It's not like I edited your comment at all.

Seriously though, you probably want to relate why you think the program will get you where you want to go, with your reasons for going there in the first place.
 
Originally posted by: Dear Summer
I need help with its structure and content. Does it flow nice? Should expand on some parts?
It's for M.S. degree
----------------------

Through the *name of school*, I plan to pursue the *program* in preparation to become a product development manager. Product development will allow me to pursue a career where I can be creatively involved in problem-solving, generation of ideas, and management through the product development lifecycle. A master?s degree will give me the up-to-date tools and knowledge to be competitive and competent.

What makes product development so important? It is applicable in nearly every industry from technology, financial services, consumer goods, healthcare, and many more. It is the complete process of bringing a new product or service to market. Successful product development is part of a company?s future growth and viability. In today?s competitive economy, it has become essential for survival. There are two aspects to this activity, the product development process itself and the skill set of maintaining the necessary level of innovation to support long-term success. The former is an execution capability and the latter is a strategic mindset supported by process. The *name of program/school* will allow me to learn and develop both of these aspects. This program will also give me the background and confidence to manage engineering teams.

Making it more personal:
I became interested in product development when I recognised its widereaching applicability across industries, inclding technology, financial services, consumer goods and healthcare. I find it rewarding to participate, overlook and ultimately manage the detailed development cycle behind introducing products and services to the marketplace. I am excited to participate in the integral role of product development plays in the future growth and viability of companies, particularly against the competition that exists in today's markets. This interest in product development drives my desire to complete an M.S. degree in this field, as I firmly believe that I will be able to tap this enthusiasm to reach my full potential, both in the degree program and in my future career.

I believe that a product-oriented culture in a company is important for success. Lots of companies have great engineers and smart people, but ultimately there needs to be a gravitational force that pulls it all together. In developing products, a product development manager is the gravitational force who makes floating pieces add up to an innovative product that can reshape an entire industry. Consider how the iPod and iTunes software by Apple Computers, Inc. have created a new business model for the global music industry. Apple introduced its product called the iPhone and it has revolutionized the mobile industry. The *name of program* will give me the knowledge to balance all the aspects associated with a product such as new idea generation, economic factors, performance requirements, and engineering management.

I have selected *name of school* for its outstanding faculty and curriculum aligned to my career goals. As a first generation college graduate and a full-time working professional, it will enable me to obtain a distance master?s degree from an institution that will teach me the skills to become a successful product development manager.
Click to expand...

I've provided an example (above) of how you can make your statement of purpose and more meaningful. As mentioned by TuxDave, make sure you clearly answer the following questions, donating paragraphs to each question:

When I applied for my M.S. my statement of purpose went along the lines of:
1) What I want to do and why
2) What I have done so far towards achieving that goal
3) How this school will help me get the rest of the way there
Click to expand...

Follow this structure:

INTRO (snapshot of you (work/study), say that you writing to enter the program and believe the program suits you well)
SECTION 1 - What you want to do and WHY
SECTION 2 - What are the key features of this school that will help you achieve your goal, (q3 above)
SECTION 3 - What you have done so far, when writing this part, try to link it to PARA 1 and PARA 2, link to PARA 2 to say that you have the culture/work ethic of the uni and are a good fit for it, link to PARA 1 by saying that your past actions indicate your desire to continue in this field
CONCLUSION - reiterate your interest, and say that you are hoping to progress to the next round, etc
 
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