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Callahan's crosstime saloon

B

bones10

Senior member
Anyone here read "Callahan's Crosstime Saloon" by Spider Robinson?

Here is an attempt to open up a virtual branch of this saloon. The rules here may be somewhat different than in Mike Callahan's original saloon. Mike didn't say I had to exactly follow his format.

So here are the rules so far, which are subject to change:

Toasting: Anyone is allowed to step up to the chalk line and share something personal. The person may share anything happy or sad. The toast starts with &quot;<Stepping up to the chalk line>&quot; and then the sharing starts. When someone begins a toast, people should stop to listen (you can post something like &quot;<sits up to listen>&quot😉. If people are moved by what is shared, they should throw their glass into the fireplace. Don't worry, there will be enough glasses, and drinks are on the house.

Monday is punday. On mondays, people share their best puns. On-liners are allowed, but the best puns will, of course, be the long ones that make us spew our drink . If the pun would normally cuase a small groan, throw peanuts at the person. There are small buckets of peanuts on each table. If you think the pun would cuase great groans, throw your glass into the fireplace.

Thursday is tall-tale day. On Thursdays, people share a tall story. As with the puns, there are peanuts, and the glasses can be thrown as usual.

I, the barkeep, may step out from time to time to attend to other business. If I don't appear to be around, help yourself to the drinks.

That's it for now. I am getting most of this from memory. As I gave the book back to its original owner. If any of you have any suggestions, please post them.



As you walk in, you notice the bar is kept clean. The wooden floors are waxed. Each of the clean tables have a small bucket of peanuts on them. You notices a fireplace in the corner that is lit. Bones is standing behind the bar cleaning glasses.

 
Here is a pun to start things off:

What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, a bald man, and a Mother Ape?
 
The answer is:

The Prince of Wales is the Heir Apparent
The bald man has no hair apparent
and the mother ape is a hairy parent.


Ok. That wasn't the best pun. Someone throw some peanuts at me.

I know that some of you out there can to do better than this. C'mon, give us your best pun. I want someone to make me spew my drink and throw the glass into the fireplace.

Everyone from the Realm is invited to take a break, share some stories, and, of course, punnish 😛 everyone else who visits.

I should be punished for every pun I shed
do not leave a puny shread upon my punish head.

Go ahead, throw some more peanuts at me.
 
GF, dont be shy. Throw some peanuts.

BTW, I saw what you did at that wall beer place, Don't be knocking the beer around here. 🙂 If there is going to be throwing, we'd prefer if it is glasses and they should be aimed towards the fireplace.

You can eat the peanuts too if you like. Go ahead and drop the shells on the floor. They'll get swept up before morning.

Would you like a drink?
 
Hey, I never threw a beer, I knocked some down. And I'll take a Pepsi, I have had enough beer to last me a while in the other thread. 😉
 
<Scooping ice into the glass. Filling glass up at the soda fountain>

Here you go, your pepsi.

Know any good puns? Around here, Monday is referred to as punday. We are having a contest. The winner gets to pick the topic for the next pun contest, which will be next punday. Tonight any topic is open season.

This saloon is slow to start. I am hoping we can get at least 5-6 good punnishers in tonight. I not here to win, only to keep the drinks full and the glasses replentished. Although if we are short some people I will be glad to fill in.
 
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, &quot;Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything.&quot;

How's that? 😀
 
Hmm,

Not too bad. <throwing glass into the fireplace>.

Ok, well I think I have to pitch in here, help get the jokes flowing.

There is this Jewish priest that decides he is going to become a missionary. He decides to go to this newly found people in an isolated forrest on an island in the south pacific.

So after months of training, he jumps out of the airplane, parachuting down to the jungle.

He spends several days and nights looking for these people, and can't seem to find anyone. Not a soul.

<Pauses to take a drink>
 
<Continuing on>

Well just when the missionary's rations were about to run out. He spots this flash out of the corner of his eye. He quickly jumps up and dashes after the flash. He runs for miles glad of his missionary training. Finally he catches up and tackles with what turns out to be a little man about 2 feet high.

<pauses for another drink>
 
Groan. <throwing peanuts at drboogie>

<Continuing on with story>

So the missionary follows the little man into his village full of 2 feet high people. It turns out that these people call themselves the trids.

<pauses for another drink>
 
<continuing story>

Well have spending several months with the trids and learning their language he has come to know the trids quite well. He is even called &quot;Uncle Dude&quot; in the trids own language.

One day while talking to a couple of younger trids about where he comes from and civilization, he realizes that civilazation isn't really all that far away. It's just over the mountains. In fact as he thinks about it he is curious why these trids have not already found civilization.

So he decides to talk to the elders of the tribe about this.

<pauses for a drink>
 
<Walking back behind the bar, getting a malt liquor>

Here you go, DrBoogie. Don't be too impatient. Profound stories must be told properly.

So the missionary goes to talk to the elders. The eldars say they have heard of civilization, and they think their tribe would be ready to find civilization, but that no trid can go to civilization.

Well, the missionary just can't understand this reasoning. So he presses on the elders to explain this to him. After much arguing, the elders finally state that there is a monster at the mountain pass, and the monster won't let any trid out of the jungle.

Well this seems preposterous to the missionary.

<pauses for another drink>
 
The missionary just can't believe the monster story, but whenever he talkes to any of the older trids, they all swear up and down that the monster exists.

Well, the missionary decides that since the young trids don't seem as firm in their believe about the monster, he going to take a couple of the younger trids to civilization to prove the elders wrong.

So one morning, he wakes up early and heads out with a brave trid to find civilization. They walk about half a day and get to the mountain pass. But just before they can get to a spot where the trid can look down on civilization, a monster jumps out from behind some rocks! Roar! Then the monster runs up and kicks the little trid back down the mountain and runs away.

The missionary just sat down, he couldn't believe his eyes.

<pauses for a drink>
 
<resuming story>
Well, the missionary while walking back to the village just can't stop thinking about the monster and how he is going to show these trids civilization. When he is almost back to the village he has this sudden insight. If all the trids rush the mountain pass at the same time, the monster won't be able to stop all of them from getting through.

So, the missionary goes to the elders the next day. He first admits that they were right about the monster, but then shares his plan about letting some trids through to civilization. The elders finally agree that its at least worth trying.

So the next day the whole village set out for civilization. Just when they get to the pass, they all hunker down and reherse the plan they talked about. The missionary looks around and doesn't see the monster and is wondering if maybe all the trids will get through.

The missionary yells, &quot;Go!&quot;, and all the trids rush the pass at one time. Just when the missionary thought that first one was sure to get down the other side of the mountain, the monster jumps out, &quot;Roar!&quot; Then the monster starts kicking trids like mad. They are flying down the mountain in 2's and 3's. It is starting to look like the monster will get all of them.

The missionary is just dumpfounded, but then gets another insight. He runs down to where the monster is and throws himself in the ways of the monster, yelling, &quot;Kick me! Kick me! Just let one of these trids get by!&quot;

Well no matter how much the missionary got in the way, the monster seemed to keep missing him and hitting trids. Finally all the trids were kicked down the mountain.

<puases for drink>
 
Well, the missionary was furious. He stormed up to where the monster and yelled at him, &quot;Why didn't you kick me and let one of these trids by!&quot;

To which the monster replied, &quot;Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for trids.&quot;

😀
 
Pounds bones with peanuts until he is on the ground crying for mercy.


Now you know what it was like to listen to that story 😀😛🙂
 
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