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Big relationship problem...need suggestion:((

F

freedom

Senior member
Hi,
I'm going out with a very lovely and special woman sh'is 36 and I'm 31 , and things are getting very serious between us..but we both are worried about one thing:her daughter that is 16 is having an hard time to accept me and I think sh'is getting jalous...even if she thinks that I'm a nice person for her.They always used to stay a lot between each others and I've never been agaist that , moreover , I like when we often do things together.
I'm very afraid to lose her.......I would appreciate if someone can help me giving me a suggestion....I'm feeling very down and sad🙁
 
i always hated everyone my mother dated, but then again they were all @ssholes.
16 is a tough age...perhaps you could suggest a nice weekend getaway for the two of them,
so that they could bond, and she could perhaps realize that you aren't trying to steal her mom away from her.
and don't ever ever ever try to act like a dad to her. trust me. that was the most annoying thing ever.
 


<< i always hated everyone my mother dated, but then again they were all @ssholes.
16 is a tough age...perhaps you could suggest a nice weekend getaway for the two of them,
so that they could bond, and she could perhaps realize that you aren't trying to steal her mom away from her.
and don't ever ever ever try to act like a dad to her. trust me. that was the most annoying thing ever >>



They stay often all the weekend togheter and more than a father I 've always tryed to be a friend to her...
 
It must be hard on a 16 year old being in this situation. If her father is not in the picture maybe she's resentful of men and feels that you may abandon her too.

Have you shared your feelings with her about her mother?
 
Is she having a hard time accepting you as a father figure or as a her mothers boyfriend? Have you sat down and talked to her yet, just one on one and see why she feels that way?
Remember, a 16 year old girl usually is very rebellious. She's at a time in her life where she's figuring out who she is, and she will need a lot of space. Try doing things with just her, leave your gf out of it every once in a while. Take her to to the movies or to the park if you're going to walk around. Don't do anything that would be too embarassing to her, or she'll say no. But definitely sit down and talk to her. It's the hardest thing to start, but if you get a good conversation started you should be able to solve some problems.
 
I think you should go out of the way to prove to the daughter that you can be trustworthy and reliable. Offer to do casual things like drive her to school or pick her up. Try to be a friend rather than an authoratative figure. When you're with both the mom and daughter, don't get all touchy with the mom or give the mom the most attention. Show the daughter that you care for her too but of course you should pass this by the mother first so the mother doesn't get needlessly jealous 😉
 
GOPUNK:

<< just to clarify, you're afraid that because the daughter doesn't like you, you'll have to break up? >>



yes, That's my terror....



<< Have you shared your feelings with her about her mother? >>



Not so directly..




<< Is she having a hard time accepting you as a father figure or as a her mothers boyfriend? Have you sat down and talked to her yet, just one on one and see why she feels that way? >>



I think sh'isn't accepting me as mother boyfriend .I think because the only two man that the moder had in the past were really thraumatic experiences for her mom
 
Don't get too mushy mushy with the 16 year old child. She might misinterpret your intentions and think you're hitting on her. That's not a good thing... :Q 😉
 
Go find a woman your own age or a little younger, preferably one who has no children. Make your own family. You will be much happier in the long run.
 


<< Keep doing mom a couple more years and then dump her and go for the daughter after she's 18. >>



Thank you for your stupid answer
good bye anandtech
 


<<

<< Keep doing mom a couple more years and then dump her and go for the daughter after she's 18. >>



Thank you for your stupid answer
good bye anandtech >>



As anywhere in the world...some people around here give immature stupid answers.

A few people did give some good replies though. Have you had a 1:1 chat with the daughter?
 


<< Keep doing mom a couple more years and then dump her and go for the daughter after she's 18. >>



Could you be just a bit MORE immature? I know, it's hard to beat your previous statement.

You might of been joking around, but this guy asked a serious question. If you had nothing better to say,
why waste time and bandwidth to reply with such an idiotic reply?

 
Sorry....I'm just a little nervous and worried...


<< A few people did give some good replies though. Have you had a 1:1 chat with the daughter? >>



I really can't wait to do it...
 


<< You might of been joking around, but this guy asked a serious question. If you had nothing better to say,
why waste time and bandwidth to reply with such an idiotic reply? >>



I usually accept jokes....but in my life I've been thru a lot of sentimental failures....that girl seems the right one.All the persons that I had before lyed to me just to use me for left me when it was enough.This time I can't fail...

 
if my parents broke up and someone started dating my mum i would tell them everyday i hated them even if i didnt.

goodluck pal.

*kat. <-- just being honest.
 
Hey Freedom,

I am just some 25 year old who doesn't really know a whole lot, but I would think to talk seriously to her mother and ask her advice in the situation. Tell her how you feel and that you would like to really find a solution and ask for her advice. She is the mother of this 16-year old remember, she may have some insight! Other than that, I wish you well and hopefully this young girl will realize the great thing her mother has going! 🙂
 
Going through the same thing. My fiance has a 9 year old daughter. I have 2 daughters that are 5 and 7. Mine are cool with the idea of me getting remarried (i bribed them with a gamecube). The oldest is not having the easiest time. The things i did that helped are:
1. Remind the oldest that she has a dad and i have no intention to take that over. She needs her dad and he will always be that. I offered to be her friend if she wanted. That put the ball in her court.
2. Let my fiance talk with her and find out what "we" could do to make it easier. Sometimes it means that they have girl time without me.
3. Reenforce that this is a gain not a loss. A big selling point was that now it will be 3 girls playing together.

Good luck. This will pass in time. If this is the right person for you... tough it out. The teenager is going through a rough time anyway. She is old enough though to understand that her mom needs a partner. Ask her if she can see that you make her mom happy?

Good luck.
 


<< I am just some 25 year old who doesn't really know a whole lot, but I would think to talk seriously to her mother and ask her advice in the situation. Tell her how you feel and that you would like to really find a solution and ask for her advice. She is the mother of this 16-year old remember, she may have some insight! Other than that, I wish you well and hopefully this young girl will realize the great thing her mother has going! >>



Sh'is doing it...because she doesn't want to lose me...I just wanna to feel safe...or better to be sure that my life is going in the right direction....I 'm tired to receive bad surprises...
 


<< Ask her if she can see that you make her mom happy? >>



I'll do it...thank you very much....

I'm just afraid because of my past bad experiences...so I feel often unsecure..
 


<< Makes sense Freedom, I wish I knew something else to tell you!


I really hope things work out. >>



Thank you ,you are cool🙂
 
I wouldn't worry about the daugther. If your gf likes you, the daughter's opinion won't matter. What you should do is talk to your gf and see how things stand between you. If you are given the go ahead to continue the relationship, I wouldn't go out of my way for the daughter. Just let her do her own thing. Your'e not her dad and you may not be able to be her friend for many year to come, until she grows up. In the mean time, I think you're just going to have to deal with the daughter hating you. If you can't, then you need to back out of the relationship.
 
well, i don't think you need to worry about it too much. in a few years the girl will be off to college or out of the house or whatever anyways. it's okay that she doesn't like you, as long as she's not putting cyanide in your coffee...
 
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