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Bar Jokes

A grasshopper comes into a bar and takes a stool.

The bartender says, "Do you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds, "You have a drink named Norman?"
 
There are three guys sitting in a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking. After a while he approaches the guys, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts: "I've fscked your mom!"

The three guys look bewildered as the man bellies back up to the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back. "Your mom's sucked my cock!" he yells at the one on the right. Then he turns around and staggers back to the bar. Fifteen minutes later, he walks up to the third guy, gets in his face and yells, "I've had your mom up the ass!"

The young men have had enough. The one in the middle stands up, pushes the old man into a seat and shouts,

"Look, Dad, you're drunk, go home!!!!!"
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants.

The bartender says what's that for?

The pirate says "ARRRRR I don't know but it's driving me nuts."
 
Originally posted by: KLin
There are three guys sitting in a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking. After a while he approaches the guys, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts: "I've fscked your mom!"

The three guys look bewildered as the man bellies back up to the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back. "Your mom's sucked my cock!" he yells at the one on the right. Then he turns around and staggers back to the bar. Fifteen minutes later, he walks up to the third guy, gets in his face and yells, "I've had your mom up the ass!"

The young men have had enough. The one in the middle stands up, pushes the old man into a seat and shouts,

"Look, Dad, you're drunk, go home!!!!!"
Click to expand...

lol
 
Originally posted by: jadinolf
A grasshopper comes into a bar and takes a stool.

The bartender says, "Do you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds, "You have a drink named Norman?"
Click to expand...

I just head that one the other day in Alias on DVD! 😱
 
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 
Originally posted by: Kobota
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Click to expand...

LOL!

 
A snake walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replied, "nope....you can't hold your liquor."

Gotta add my favorite:

A drunk, three sheets to the wind, stumbles out of a bar. As he looks up, he notices a nun walking by. He staggers over to her and punches her right in the face. The nun doubles over and the drunk kicks her in the stomach. The nun falls to the ground and the drunk kicks her in the ribs. As she looks up at the drunk with fear in her eyes, the drunk gets right into her face and says, "Not too strong tonight, are you Batman?"
 
Originally posted by: Last Rezort
What did one tampon say to the other?


















Nothing, they were both stuck up B@tches.
Click to expand...

Wow did you ever tank that joke. It's supposed to be:

Q: What do sorority girls and tampons have in common?

A: They're both stuck up c#nts!
 
Man walks into a bar and see Eeyore the donkey sitting a table with £5,000 and swigging a large whisky. Man say to the barman "whats the score with this?".

"ah," says the barman, "if you can make him laugh the money's yours, but if you don't you buy him a big whisky, he's had three bottles worth so far".

Man walks over and whispers in Eeyore ear and the donkey bursts out laughing and the man takes the money.

Next week, Eeyore's back in the bar with another five grand on the table when the man comes in again, "what gives this time" he asks the barman. "this time you gotta make him cry" come the reply. So off the man goes and whithin a minute he's back with the 5k and Eeyore's in tears.

"ok" said the barman, "how you manage it"."easy" said the man, "last wweek I told him I had a bigger weenie than him and this week I showed him."
 
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