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Bad jokes thread

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Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.
She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this.
 
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "all these conservatives are assholes." Somebody at the end of the bar yells back, "I resent that!"
"Oh, are you a conservative?"
"No, I'm an asshole".
 
Why You Should Never Question a Drunk


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked
at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But
how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
 
Originally posted by: Zedtom
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "all these LIBERALS are assholes." Somebody at the end of the bar yells back, "I resent that!"
"Oh, are you a LIBERAL?"
"No, I'm an asshole".
Click to expand...


Had to fix it for ya..








Originally posted by: zebano
What's the difference between jelly and jam?




You can't jelly your dick up someones ass.
Click to expand...



I lol'd @ this one.



 
Originally posted by: PlasmaBomb
Originally posted by: DesiPower
whats does ATM stand for?
Click to expand...

Automated teller machine
Click to expand...

oh. i thought it meant At The Moment


Originally posted by: TwiceOver
Originally posted by: zebano
What's the difference between jelly and jam?


You can't jelly your dick up someones ass.
Click to expand...

I heard this joke the first time from an 18 year old blonde chick at a bar. Wouldn't believe the words that came out of this chicks mouth. Her version was a little different...

What's the difference between marmalade and jam? You can't marmalade your dick in a baby's ass.

My personal fav (along the same lines)...

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?


I don't have a Covette in my garage.
Click to expand...


wtf. dead baby jokes are the lamest jokes on this planet,, they so stupid

 
Originally posted by: Atomic Playboy
An actual exchange I had with a friend the other day:

Me: If you weren't covered in flies, I'd slap you.
Her: I'm not covered in flies...
Me: *slap*
Click to expand...


This one could be modified to achieve much better results in my opinion...

You: If you weren't covered in flies, I'd have you give me a BJ.
Her: I'm not covered in flies...
You: <zip>
 
Q. What's grosser than biting into an apple and finding a worm?


A. Biting into an apple and finding half of a worm!
 
Originally posted by: InflatableBuddha
Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A: The golfer goes *WHACK* "Shit!"...
Click to expand...

This...is an instant classic that will go into my library.
 
Guy walks into a bar & sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwich $3.50, Handjobs $5.00."

There is a pretty girl behind the bar & he ask her "are you the one giving handjobs?"

"Why yes I am." she replies.

"Well, wash your fucking hands cause I want a cheese sandwich." replies the guy.
 
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