One of my girlfriends and I have been close friends since the two of us first came to college last year (we're sophomores at this point). She's always been a very blunt person, and not entirely open minded, and because of that she doesn't have many other friends here. However, the two of us got along fine, spent a lot of time together, and quickly became very good friends. My boyfriend is also a big part of my life, and he comes to visit nearly every weekend. The three of us often hang out, and since my boyfriend has a car, he drives us anywhere we feel like going (mall, movies, etc). On several occasions when I have been busy but he is visiting, the two of them have gone on drives or hung out together.
Now as I said, my friend is pretty blunt, and she's also pretty sarcastic, so on occasion she would make not-the-nicest of comments about him to me. But seeing as that tended to be her personality, I have to admit I never took it very seriously. The last couple of times the three of us went out together, though, things seemed worse. She would call him names with a straight face, so I couldn't really assume she was joking, and ignored him when he tried to enter into our conversation. The next day, he offered to drive us to get ice cream, and she didn't talk to either of us- she even walked far ahead of us as we went to and from the car. This left both my boyfriend and I feeling pretty badly. So that night I gave her a call and asked her about it- she admitted that she didn't care for him, didn't respect him, and when I asked her if she'd prefer in the future not to spend time with him, she said she would prefer that. She even said that the times that she had spent with him were just a favor.
My feeling is that since she willingly spent time with us and sought us out when we were together, it was reasonable to assume that she liked him, or at least didn't have any particularly negative feelings toward him. She argued however that she never said she liked him so I shouldn't have made that assumption, and that she was spending time with us in order to spend time with me. Because she was only there to see me, she found it reasonable to basically ignore him.
I think that not necessarily agreeing with but at least respecting a person's choices, when they're not harmful ones, is a part of being their friend. By being rude to my boyfriend and taking advantage of his generosity, I felt that I was being disrespected as well. That said, the two of us have been very close friends for going on two years now and it leaves me in a kind of awkward spot. I feel hurt by this but at the same time part of me doesn't necessarily want to lose her as a friend. So, ATOT, what would you do in this situation? Would you remain friends? Cut her off? Issue an ultimatum? Give me some advice!
CLIFFS:
1. College friend with a blunt and somewhat disagreeable personality & boyfriend who often drives out and visits are both big parts of my life.
2. The three of us often go out together, he is generous enough to drive us places.
3. Boyfriend and myself both assumed our time spent together meant all three of us were friends.
4. College friend was blatantly rude to boyfriend.
5. I called her up, she says she doesn't like him, is my friend only, and has no obligation to be respectful of him.
6. I don't know if I can be friends with someone who is competely disrespectful to the person who I have chosen to be with.
7. What should I do?
EDIT:I'm glad that you were all so interested, I didn't go into a further long and drawn out explanation before because I was afraid it would make the thread too long. So here's more background info on all parties.
As I said, she has been my friend since the start of college. Towards the beginning of college my boyfriend and I were going through a rough time. I opened up to her and she was of the strong opinion that I should end things. In spite of that, I chose to stick it out and try to work things out. I'm glad I did, because pretty much by the next semester things had smoothed over. However, it now seems that she never let go of that disfavorable feeling she had toward him.
There are a number of aspects of our relationship that she seems to disapprove of- the main one being that we are in an open relationship. So yes, she's certainly seen him look at other girls! But she is aware that we are in an open relationship and that is okay by me. Part of our policy, in fact, is that we are honest with each other, he lets me know of any interests, anything he's done, etc. She, however, during our conversation actually "reported" on him ("Did you know he did this.." etc). I guess this leads me to think that her trust issues might be part of the center of this- that the thing about our relationship that she doesn't understand is that trust we have for each other.
Thanks for reading!
Now as I said, my friend is pretty blunt, and she's also pretty sarcastic, so on occasion she would make not-the-nicest of comments about him to me. But seeing as that tended to be her personality, I have to admit I never took it very seriously. The last couple of times the three of us went out together, though, things seemed worse. She would call him names with a straight face, so I couldn't really assume she was joking, and ignored him when he tried to enter into our conversation. The next day, he offered to drive us to get ice cream, and she didn't talk to either of us- she even walked far ahead of us as we went to and from the car. This left both my boyfriend and I feeling pretty badly. So that night I gave her a call and asked her about it- she admitted that she didn't care for him, didn't respect him, and when I asked her if she'd prefer in the future not to spend time with him, she said she would prefer that. She even said that the times that she had spent with him were just a favor.
My feeling is that since she willingly spent time with us and sought us out when we were together, it was reasonable to assume that she liked him, or at least didn't have any particularly negative feelings toward him. She argued however that she never said she liked him so I shouldn't have made that assumption, and that she was spending time with us in order to spend time with me. Because she was only there to see me, she found it reasonable to basically ignore him.
I think that not necessarily agreeing with but at least respecting a person's choices, when they're not harmful ones, is a part of being their friend. By being rude to my boyfriend and taking advantage of his generosity, I felt that I was being disrespected as well. That said, the two of us have been very close friends for going on two years now and it leaves me in a kind of awkward spot. I feel hurt by this but at the same time part of me doesn't necessarily want to lose her as a friend. So, ATOT, what would you do in this situation? Would you remain friends? Cut her off? Issue an ultimatum? Give me some advice!
CLIFFS:
1. College friend with a blunt and somewhat disagreeable personality & boyfriend who often drives out and visits are both big parts of my life.
2. The three of us often go out together, he is generous enough to drive us places.
3. Boyfriend and myself both assumed our time spent together meant all three of us were friends.
4. College friend was blatantly rude to boyfriend.
5. I called her up, she says she doesn't like him, is my friend only, and has no obligation to be respectful of him.
6. I don't know if I can be friends with someone who is competely disrespectful to the person who I have chosen to be with.
7. What should I do?
EDIT:I'm glad that you were all so interested, I didn't go into a further long and drawn out explanation before because I was afraid it would make the thread too long. So here's more background info on all parties.
Very significant, the two of us have been together for two years now.
Well, here's some background on the friend then. Since college (and according to her, for quite a while before that) she has been involved in a string of bad relationships. Her boyfriends have been unkind and disrespectful. She, in turn, has been untrustworthy, often cheating on them. She definitely has a lot of trust issues.
As I said, she has been my friend since the start of college. Towards the beginning of college my boyfriend and I were going through a rough time. I opened up to her and she was of the strong opinion that I should end things. In spite of that, I chose to stick it out and try to work things out. I'm glad I did, because pretty much by the next semester things had smoothed over. However, it now seems that she never let go of that disfavorable feeling she had toward him.
There are a number of aspects of our relationship that she seems to disapprove of- the main one being that we are in an open relationship. So yes, she's certainly seen him look at other girls! But she is aware that we are in an open relationship and that is okay by me. Part of our policy, in fact, is that we are honest with each other, he lets me know of any interests, anything he's done, etc. She, however, during our conversation actually "reported" on him ("Did you know he did this.." etc). I guess this leads me to think that her trust issues might be part of the center of this- that the thing about our relationship that she doesn't understand is that trust we have for each other.
Thanks for reading!
