sdifox
No Lifer
- Sep 30, 2005
- 100,700
- 18,032
- 126
sdifox
No Lifer
- Sep 30, 2005
- 100,700
- 18,032
- 126
Minstrel: [singing] He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off And his penis...
Sir Robin: That's enough music for now, lads.
Sir Robin: That's enough music for now, lads.
sdifox
No Lifer
- Sep 30, 2005
- 100,700
- 18,032
- 126
Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away...
Sir Robin: *No!*
Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin: *I didn't!*
Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin: *I never did!*
Minstrel: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir Robin: *Oh, you liars!*
Minstrel: [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
Sir Robin: *No!*
Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin: *I didn't!*
Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin: *I never did!*
Minstrel: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir Robin: *Oh, you liars!*
Minstrel: [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.
sdifox
No Lifer
- Sep 30, 2005
- 100,700
- 18,032
- 126
Bob: "I wanted to see a war run so badly."
EB: "Well you've come to the right place, then. There hasn't been a war run this badly since Olaf the hairy, King of all the vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."
- EB, BA4
EB: "Well you've come to the right place, then. There hasn't been a war run this badly since Olaf the hairy, King of all the vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."
- EB, BA4
sdifox
No Lifer
- Sep 30, 2005
- 100,700
- 18,032
- 126
- EB: "First Name?"
B: "I'm not sure."
EB: "Come on, you MUST have a first name."
B: "It might be Sod Off."
EB: "Sod Off??"
B: "Yeah, when I was a young lad playing in the gutter, I used to say to all the other snipes, "Hello, my names Baldrick". And they'd say, "Yes we know, Sod Off Baldrick"
- Blackadder and Baldrick filling a application form..
sdifox
No Lifer
- Sep 30, 2005
- 100,700
- 18,032
- 126
G: "What I can't understand is why anyone would want to kill you, Blackadder"
EB: "I rather think that is was you they after, your Highness"
G: "What makes you say that?"
EB: "Well, the words 'Death to the stupid prince' first brought it too my attention"
- EB and G on death attempt on Prince, BA3
EB: "I rather think that is was you they after, your Highness"
G: "What makes you say that?"
EB: "Well, the words 'Death to the stupid prince' first brought it too my attention"
- EB and G on death attempt on Prince, BA3
sdifox
No Lifer
- Sep 30, 2005
- 100,700
- 18,032
- 126
"Ah ha. Lets see if I've got this straight."
"If I admit that I'm in love with..."
[guard shakes his head."]
"No??"
[guard does a half somersault]
"Oh, If I say that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite make that out, and roast them over a large fire.
Whereas, if I don't admit that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade..
[pause..sees guard isn't finished...realisation]
AND remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool.
Well in that case, I love Satan....
[guard produces a scythe]
Oh, it's a scythe....."
- EB, BA2
"If I admit that I'm in love with..."
[guard shakes his head."]
"No??"
[guard does a half somersault]
"Oh, If I say that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite make that out, and roast them over a large fire.
Whereas, if I don't admit that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade..
[pause..sees guard isn't finished...realisation]
AND remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool.
Well in that case, I love Satan....
[guard produces a scythe]
Oh, it's a scythe....."
- EB, BA2
sdifox
No Lifer
- Sep 30, 2005
- 100,700
- 18,032
- 126
EB: "Baldric, why do you have a piece of cheese tied to your nose?"
B: "To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the ground with my mouth open and hope they scurry in."
EB: "Do they?"
B: "Not yet, my lord."
EB: "I am not surprised. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom."
[Later, Baldric walks in with a dead mouse tied to his nose]
EB: "Why?"
B: "I got tired of the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat instead."
- BA2
B: "To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the ground with my mouth open and hope they scurry in."
EB: "Do they?"
B: "Not yet, my lord."
EB: "I am not surprised. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom."
[Later, Baldric walks in with a dead mouse tied to his nose]
EB: "Why?"
B: "I got tired of the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat instead."
- BA2
eldorado99
Lifer
- Feb 16, 2004
- 36,324
- 3,163
- 126
sdifox
No Lifer
- Sep 30, 2005
- 100,700
- 18,032
- 126
"Black Adder the Third: Dish and Dishonesty (#1.1)" (1987)
Blackadder: [Baldrick is applying for Parliament] Minimum bribe level?
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. Name: Baldrick. First name...?
Baldrick: Er, I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea...
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick," and they'd say, "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, right right right right, Mr. S. Baldrick. Now; distinguishing features... None.
Baldrick: Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now; any history of insanity in the family? Tell you what, I'll cross out the in. Any history of *sanity* in the family? None whatsoever. Now then; criminal record...
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put fraud and sexual deviancy. Now; minimum bribe level...
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: Do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?
Baldrick: Er, no.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?
Baldrick: I'd get a little turnip of my own.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?
Baldrick: Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.
Blackadder: [someone knocks at the door] Oh God, I'll get that. Here
[pushes paper to Baldrick]
Blackadder: , sign here.
[motions where with his hand; Baldrick marks an 'X' on Edmund's palm; Edmund presses his palm against the application]
Blackadder: [bashing Baldrick's head against the table] Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead.
Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead my Lord.
Blackadder: [Whacks Baldrick's head against the table again] Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.
Baldrick: I haven't got it.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: I spent it.
Blackadder: You spent it? What could you possibly spend £400 000 on?
[Blackadder notices the massive turnip on the table]
Blackadder: Oh, no... oh God, don't tell me.
Baldrick: My dream turnip.
Blackadder: Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that cost £400 000?
Baldrick: Well, I had to haggle.
[Blackadder slams the turnip over Baldricks head]
Blackadder: This is the worst moment of my entire life. I've spent my last penny on a cat-skin windcheater, I've just broken a priceless turnip...
[there is a knock at the door followed by shouting]
Blackadder: ...and now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant. Well, all I can say, Baldrick, is that's the last time I dabble in politics
Blackadder: [enters in a lords gown] My lord.
Prince George: My Lords.
Blackadder: Pardon, sir?
Prince George: My Lords. There is more than one lord in the vicinity. Will you please welcome his Grace, the Lord Baldrick.
[Baldrick enters in his lordly regalia]
Blackadder: You made BALDRICK a Lord?
Prince George: Well, yes. One who has recently done sterling service, matching the political machinations of the evil Pitt. Good old Lord Baldrick!
Baldrick: It's all right Blackadder, you don't have to curtsey or anything.
Blackadder: Sir, might I let loose a short violent exclamation?
Prince George: Certainly.
Blackadder: [Blackadder moves discreetly sideways, then shouts] DAMN!
Prince George: I say, that's a bit of a strange get up, isn't it Blackadder?
Blackadder: No sir, I'm just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.
[he walks towards the door, stops and turns]
Blackadder: There is one little question, sir. About the £400 000 to influence the lords...
Prince George: Ah, yes. I gave that to Lord Baldrick.
Blackadder: [Looking pleased] Ahh! Sir, might I be permitted to take Lord Baldrick downstairs for some instruction in his lordly duties?
Prince George: I think that's a splendid idea.
Blackadder: [to Baldrick] This way, my Lord.
[Leaves with cloak raised, Dracula-esque]
"Black-Adder II: Money (#1.4)" (1986)
Baldrick: [Baldrick knocks on Blackadder's bedroom door to find him sleeping with a prostitute] My Lord? There's someone at the door.
Blackadder: [wakes up groggily] What time is it?
Baldrick: It's, uh, four o'clock.
Blackadder: Baldrick, how many times have I told you, you mustn't let me sleep all day! This woman charges by the hour!
Baldrick: Uh, no, my Lord, it's, uh, four o'clock in the morning.
Blackadder: Someone wants to see me at four o'clock in the morning? What is he, a giant lark?
Baldrick: Uh, no, I think he's a priest.
Blackadder: Well, tell him to take his sacred backside elsewhere! And tell him that furthermore, if he comes nosing around again, I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns children during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards!
Blackadder: Baldrick!
Baldrick: My lord?
Blackadder: Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the house.
Baldrick and Percy: [Shocked] What?
Blackadder: There's nothing else for it. I mean I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.
Baldrick: There's a priest wants t'see you, m'lord.
Blackadder: Well, tell him I'm Jewish.
Baldrick: [Black Adder is in desperate need of money to pay a debt to the Bank of the Black Monks of St Herod] I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks. Doing favours for sailors.
Blackadder: What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?
Blackadder: [Baldrick is applying for Parliament] Minimum bribe level?
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. Name: Baldrick. First name...?
Baldrick: Er, I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea...
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick," and they'd say, "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, right right right right, Mr. S. Baldrick. Now; distinguishing features... None.
Baldrick: Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now; any history of insanity in the family? Tell you what, I'll cross out the in. Any history of *sanity* in the family? None whatsoever. Now then; criminal record...
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put fraud and sexual deviancy. Now; minimum bribe level...
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: Do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?
Baldrick: Er, no.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?
Baldrick: I'd get a little turnip of my own.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?
Baldrick: Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.
Blackadder: [someone knocks at the door] Oh God, I'll get that. Here
[pushes paper to Baldrick]
Blackadder: , sign here.
[motions where with his hand; Baldrick marks an 'X' on Edmund's palm; Edmund presses his palm against the application]
Blackadder: [bashing Baldrick's head against the table] Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead.
Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead my Lord.
Blackadder: [Whacks Baldrick's head against the table again] Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.
Baldrick: I haven't got it.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: I spent it.
Blackadder: You spent it? What could you possibly spend £400 000 on?
[Blackadder notices the massive turnip on the table]
Blackadder: Oh, no... oh God, don't tell me.
Baldrick: My dream turnip.
Blackadder: Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that cost £400 000?
Baldrick: Well, I had to haggle.
[Blackadder slams the turnip over Baldricks head]
Blackadder: This is the worst moment of my entire life. I've spent my last penny on a cat-skin windcheater, I've just broken a priceless turnip...
[there is a knock at the door followed by shouting]
Blackadder: ...and now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant. Well, all I can say, Baldrick, is that's the last time I dabble in politics
Blackadder: [enters in a lords gown] My lord.
Prince George: My Lords.
Blackadder: Pardon, sir?
Prince George: My Lords. There is more than one lord in the vicinity. Will you please welcome his Grace, the Lord Baldrick.
[Baldrick enters in his lordly regalia]
Blackadder: You made BALDRICK a Lord?
Prince George: Well, yes. One who has recently done sterling service, matching the political machinations of the evil Pitt. Good old Lord Baldrick!
Baldrick: It's all right Blackadder, you don't have to curtsey or anything.
Blackadder: Sir, might I let loose a short violent exclamation?
Prince George: Certainly.
Blackadder: [Blackadder moves discreetly sideways, then shouts] DAMN!
Prince George: I say, that's a bit of a strange get up, isn't it Blackadder?
Blackadder: No sir, I'm just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.
[he walks towards the door, stops and turns]
Blackadder: There is one little question, sir. About the £400 000 to influence the lords...
Prince George: Ah, yes. I gave that to Lord Baldrick.
Blackadder: [Looking pleased] Ahh! Sir, might I be permitted to take Lord Baldrick downstairs for some instruction in his lordly duties?
Prince George: I think that's a splendid idea.
Blackadder: [to Baldrick] This way, my Lord.
[Leaves with cloak raised, Dracula-esque]
"Black-Adder II: Money (#1.4)" (1986)
Baldrick: [Baldrick knocks on Blackadder's bedroom door to find him sleeping with a prostitute] My Lord? There's someone at the door.
Blackadder: [wakes up groggily] What time is it?
Baldrick: It's, uh, four o'clock.
Blackadder: Baldrick, how many times have I told you, you mustn't let me sleep all day! This woman charges by the hour!
Baldrick: Uh, no, my Lord, it's, uh, four o'clock in the morning.
Blackadder: Someone wants to see me at four o'clock in the morning? What is he, a giant lark?
Baldrick: Uh, no, I think he's a priest.
Blackadder: Well, tell him to take his sacred backside elsewhere! And tell him that furthermore, if he comes nosing around again, I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns children during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards!
Blackadder: Baldrick!
Baldrick: My lord?
Blackadder: Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the house.
Baldrick and Percy: [Shocked] What?
Blackadder: There's nothing else for it. I mean I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.
Baldrick: There's a priest wants t'see you, m'lord.
Blackadder: Well, tell him I'm Jewish.
Baldrick: [Black Adder is in desperate need of money to pay a debt to the Bank of the Black Monks of St Herod] I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks. Doing favours for sailors.
Blackadder: What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?
eldorado99
Lifer
- Feb 16, 2004
- 36,324
- 3,163
- 126
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