Originally posted by: WombatWoman
THE FOLLOWING IS A TRANSCRIPTION OF THE SYNAPTIC RECORDS OF LIEUTENANT COMMANDER DATA, OF THE STARSHIP 'ANANDPRISE'.
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Lt. Commander Data (linuxboy): Captain, we are receiving a strange interstellar communication. What shall I do in response to this message? Neither the Universal Translator nor Moonbeam can make head nor tails of it, and Zuni is tut-tutting that it doesn't belong in "Forum Issues."
Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Russ): Put it onscreen.
Lt. Commander Data (linuxboy): I am unable to comply, Sir. It has no visual component. Cheers!
Commander Riker (Viper GTS): Perhaps we can listen to the audio portion of the message, while the viewscreen displays an image of two lesbians running their tongues down each other's throats.
Lt. Commander LaForge (NFS4): Or we can play the audio while watching video of a BMW Mini-Cooper retrofitted with warp drive, doing zero to 60. We'll have to watch really, really fast, though.
Lieutenant Worf (Red Dawn): Let's hear the audio while viewing footage of newbies being torn limb-from-limb and ground into newbieburgers.
Dr Crusher (WombatWoman): I would like to listen to the transmission with a video accompaniment of colon polyps confessing distress. Or possibly Colin Powell addressing the press. Then again, Conan O'Brien pressing a dress might be fine, too. Anything with the potential for some wordplay groaners is OK by me.
Keiko O'Brien (Azraele): Captain, I suggest that, in order to keep the peace, we play the audio while leaving the viewscreen blank, to save bandwidth and prevent arguments about lesbians and Mini-Coopers. And polyps.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Russ): Make it so. Audio only.
Lt. Commander Data (linuxboy): Affirmative, Captain. Aye aye. Right on. That's a big 10-4, good buddy. Cheers!
Enigmatic Voice: Jerboy, when the scroll was opened. Netopia and Harvey, their cudgels raised. Killbat, when smileys abounded. Perknose, his honor assailed. Adul, with spellchecker disabled.
Counselor Troi (Isla): Captain, I am sensing a strange, metaphoric language in these transmissions. Either that, or I am getting dizzy from looking down my own cleavage for too long.
Enigmatic Voice: PCResources, when the sh!t hit the fan. Red Dawn, his flames hurled. Paulson and Hubbs, their chat endless. Thunderbooty and Polgara, unmasked. Skoorb, his mouth flapping.
Guinan (baffled2): Captain, I have a feeling...
Lieutenant Worf (Red Dawn): (to Guinan): I'll give you a feeling. Damn, you look sexy with that red hair.
Guinan (baffled2): Can it, big boy, or you'll be in sickbay pulling trout residue out of your nether regions for the next two weeks.
Counselor Troi (Isla): People, please, let's not stir up bad vibes. They jiggle my karma-sensors and cause airsickness on the astral plane.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Russ): I believe I will head to 'Ten Fwds' for a little snack of tea (Earl Grey, hot) with chocolate pudding on the side. I am running out of patience with this interstellar transmission. It seems to have no meaning whatsoever.
Enigmatic Voice: Russ, his Marlboros overpriced.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Russ): NOW we're talking!
Lt. Commander Data (linuxboy): Affirmative, Captain. "Talking" is a characteristic underlying subtext of the existential semanticist paradigm of consensus. However, the dialectic, and some would say the absurdity, of the individual psychosocietal universe leads us to question our biophilosophical parameters. In a sense, the subject is interpolated into a postcultural deconstructionist materialism that includes absolutism as a totality. Cheers!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Russ) (to Riker): Quick, Number One, distract me with that pic of the lesbians with the headphones, or a PhotoChop of Osama boinking a camel, or something. Otherwise I am going to toss Commander Data out the airlock.
Enigmatic Voice: Rio Rebel and the little wankers, when the MP3's came. Ulfwald, his wife preggers. Kami and Glen at the Two Towers.
Lieutenant Worf (Red Dawn): I have an idea. Computer?
Computer (voice of hzl_eyed_grl): *Recording* Welcome to the Funny Farm. I'll be your hostess.
Lieutenant Worf (Red Dawn): Computer, I wish to make a response to the metaphorical transmissions. Please broadcast this on all frequencies, and stickify it to the top of the ship.
Computer (voice of hzl_eyed_grl): *Giggle*
Lieutenant Worf (Red Dawn): I'll take that as a "yes." Here is my message to our mysterious friend who communicates in riddles: YOU, YOUR ASS KICKED.
Lt. Commander Data (linuxboy): Damn straight. Cheers.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Russ): What did you say, Data?
Lt. Commander Data (linuxboy): Sorry, Sir, I misspoke. I meant to say "The predominant proto-concept which confounds us all is an inextricable component of the hierarchical distinction between chaos and creation. If the quasi-nihilistic pattern of existential consensus holds, we are forced to choose between postcultural absurdity and implicit hyperreality." Cheers!
HERE THE TRANSCRIPT ENDS, SINCE COMMANDER DATA'S SYNAPTIC PATTERNS LOST SYNC AS HE EXITED THE AIRLOCK...
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