Asian people - I need advice

[conbon]

Yeah, I'm still in college (took a year off for work) so I'm stuck in their home for a while.. It just makes the whole situation that much worse..

i think this is one of the main reasons you're still getting slack from them. just get through college and worry about this later.

when you graduate and move out, you'll no longer be under their roof (and thus under their rules); as soon as you start to establish yourself as a person both career and family-wise they will develop a different and hopefully better understanding of you. i'm sure in some sense they still think of you as the cute lil kid they raised who needs someone to give them direction.

are you the only son btw? or the oldest? this makes a lot of difference...

gl.

 

[albertosantiago]

Indian with dilemma,

Im not bothering to read all of these posts and i don't know what you've tried so far. But in case you still feel that there is hope, i suggest the following. i might be oversimplifying the situation, but sometimes the "less is more" approach carries more weight.

Operation Acceptance:

Sit your mother down for some quality time. Dont approach her while she is cooking dinner, yelling at you, watching tv, cleaning, at work, or doing something that is keeping her busy. Ask her if you can take her out to lunch. Your treat. In your quality time bring up your girlfriend. You can start by saying something like, "Mom, I have to tell you something." At this point, you will have her full attention. Begin to carefully explain to her how much your girl means to you and that it's very important to you that she and your girl have a good relationship. Tell her you understand she's not indian and how it would be ideal to have an indian tamil christian girl. However, then explain how the feelings you have for her are something you didn't chose to do, but instead they were a result of something that just happened. Tell her she makes you "happy."

I don't know your mother, but i think its safe to say she will not be upset over this, disown you at this point, or try to kill you. She will most likely begin to come around. You took her out and wanted to do something nice for her. Immediately she'll know this is important to you because you went out of your way to get the message across.

At the end of the day, your mother will understand this makes you happy and soon enough she will begin to accept your girl. And screw the community and what they think. Don't even bother with that.

-Alberto

 

[venk]

Originally posted by: tnitsuj

Originally posted by: venk

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: TommyVercetti
Why do Indian people hate Jewish people, like you stated in your first post? I would suspect an Indian Muslim to harbor hatred for a Jewish person, but a Tamil Christian?

I don't want to speak for a nation or lead to generalizations.. But my family (and extended family and their friends) greatly dislike jewish people and a few other races...In fact, my sister (born in the USA) constantly make jives against my jewish gf ("happy Hanukkah! Oh, it's not Hanukkah, I'm sure there's some jewish holiday right around now".. grr..).. It's hard to explain why but I think it has a lot to do with the false impression that jewish people are all very rich and very successful... It's partly jealousy and partly that they feel that the government, society pulls strings for jewish people.. They also hate black people based on the fallacy that black people are lazy but live off of government cheese... It's ludicrous but they continue to harbor these feelings even though they've lived in the U.S. longer than they've lived in indian (they're in their 50s but lived in the U.S. for 30+ years).. My gf and her family are working class, hard working and generous people but my parents still feel that they're cheap yet loaded... It defied reason, I know..

I get it now. It's not that INdians are racist, it's that your family is fvked up.

I lived in a neighborhood with a lot of Indians and Asians. A lot of them are like this. (FROM MY EXPERIENCE)

Really? Specifically against Jews? In my twenty one years of being an Indian and dealing with them more than any single man should endure, I have never picked up any hint of anti-Semitism. In fact, many of the Indians I know are big Israeli supporters since they believe that the Palestine situation mirrors India's dealing with Pakistan.

Since all I?ve done in this post is thread crap, I thought I?d offer some advice, one Indian to another. Assuming all of these suggestion fails (and they probably will, not because they don't have any validity, but because I know the type of mother you have described), You have to make a choice between doing what is in the best interest of your families happiness or doing what is in the best interest of your happiness. Is that fair? Of course not, but that is what the situation is. Decide if this girl is worth more to you than the combined total of any happiness that you could gleam from another girl and the value you place on your family?s happiness. If she is, marry her and cut most of the ties with your family. If you?re lucky, they may come around and eventually accept her (better to accept a "bad" daughter than to lose a son). If they don't, your new wife and you can continue to live your lives without their interference. If your families happiness is more important and you think you can be happy with another girl, than you know what to do.

I know this sounds all a little cold and mechanical, but it is time for you to make a stand one way or another. Be a man. Make a decision and stop stringing this poor girl along if you don't plan to do anything about the relationship because you are under the delusion that you can change the will of an overbearing mother.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: TommyVercetti

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: atom
Do your parents want you to get into an arranged marriage? That would suck. If my parents wanted me in an arranged marriage, I'd drop the f-bomb on them and move away.

I guess I am lucky because most Asian families see the parent-offspring relationship as authoritarian while I have a more open relationship with my parents.

This sound bizzare and sick but they wanted me to marry my 2nd cousin ever since I was like 4... They don't expect me to get an arranged marriage now but they still comment about it all the time..

Is arranged marriage amongst Indian people who grew up and live in the US, still a norm. Someone told me that only 1% of these people actually have an arranged marriage.

I doubt it's common - in the U.S. or India.. It's was common when my parents lived in india so it's what they consider normal (india has changed a lot in 30 years as well).

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: Mak0602
damn i know how you feel. How does your dad feel about this? i know your mom is pissed but in most of these cases, the dad is pretty cool with this and over time everything is normal.

My dad is the one who does the name calling... My mom is the one that says that she's disppointed and guilt trips me all the time..

 

[albertosantiago]

Apparently you guys are getting off topic. There is no way this discussion is going to dispel centuries of historical, religious, political, social, economical, racial, and psychological ideology that is usually involved in considering why one group "dislikes" another.

Let's not forget our Indian friend.

- Alberto

 

[venk]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: Mak0602
damn i know how you feel. How does your dad feel about this? i know your mom is pissed but in most of these cases, the dad is pretty cool with this and over time everything is normal.

My dad is the one who does the name calling... My mom is the one that says that she's disppointed and guilt trips me all the time..

I'm sorry to say this, but your family sounds like a bunch of jerks. I don't care if I came home with a Transvestite Muslim Papuer, may dad and family would still treat her with more respect than that. Name calling? Did your dad ever graduate the 4th grade?

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: venk

Originally posted by: tnitsuj

Originally posted by: venk

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: TommyVercetti
Why do Indian people hate Jewish people, like you stated in your first post? I would suspect an Indian Muslim to harbor hatred for a Jewish person, but a Tamil Christian?

I don't want to speak for a nation or lead to generalizations.. But my family (and extended family and their friends) greatly dislike jewish people and a few other races...In fact, my sister (born in the USA) constantly make jives against my jewish gf ("happy Hanukkah! Oh, it's not Hanukkah, I'm sure there's some jewish holiday right around now".. grr..).. It's hard to explain why but I think it has a lot to do with the false impression that jewish people are all very rich and very successful... It's partly jealousy and partly that they feel that the government, society pulls strings for jewish people.. They also hate black people based on the fallacy that black people are lazy but live off of government cheese... It's ludicrous but they continue to harbor these feelings even though they've lived in the U.S. longer than they've lived in indian (they're in their 50s but lived in the U.S. for 30+ years).. My gf and her family are working class, hard working and generous people but my parents still feel that they're cheap yet loaded... It defied reason, I know..

I get it now. It's not that INdians are racist, it's that your family is fvked up.

I lived in a neighborhood with a lot of Indians and Asians. A lot of them are like this. (FROM MY EXPERIENCE)

Really? Specifically against Jews? In my twenty one years of being an Indian and dealing with them more than any single man should endure, I have never picked up any hint of anti-Semitism. In fact, many of the Indians I know are big Israeli supporters since they believe that the Palestine situation mirrors India's dealing with Pakistan.

Since all I?ve done in this post is thread crap, I thought I?d offer some advice, one Indian to another. Assuming all of these suggestion fails (and they probably will, not because they don't have any validity, but because I know the type of mother you have described), You have to make a choice between doing what is in the best interest of your families happiness or doing what is in the best interest of your happiness. Is that fair? Of course not, but that is what the situation is. Decide if this girl is worth more to you than the combined total of any happiness that you could gleam from another goal and the value you place on your family?s happiness. If she is, marry her and cut most of the ties with your family. If you?re lucky, they may come around and eventually accept her (better to accept a "bad" daughter than to lose a son). If they don't, your new wife and you can continue to live your lives without their interference. If your families happiness is more important and you think you can be happy with another girl, than you know what to do.

I know this sounds all a little cold and mechanical, but it is time for you to make a stand one way or another. Be a man. Make a decision and stop stringing this poor girl along if you don't plan to do anything about the relationship because of you are under the delusion that you can change the will of an overbearing mother.

Hey,
I think it has to do with a lot of factors.. My parents are both very educated (both went to grad school when it wasn't the norm) but they're not very cultured.. Since they're not very integrated they still live with the misconceptions that they had when they came here.. Also, you're right, north indians (near the indo-pak border) generally can relate to Israel and the jewish cause because of their very similar hindu (indian)-muslim conflict.. My brother-in-laws family is a prime example of this (his family lost people during partitioning [the violent movement that seperated the hindu and muslim areas of india, not splitting up of your hard drives into smaller drive].)

 

[Rufio]

Originally posted by: albertosantiago
Indian with dilemma,

Im not bothering to read all of these posts and i don't know what you've tried so far. But in case you still feel that there is hope, i suggest the following. i might be oversimplifying the situation, but sometimes the "less is more" approach carries more weight.

Operation Acceptance:

Sit your mother down for some quality time. Dont approach her while she is cooking dinner, yelling at you, watching tv, cleaning, at work, or doing something that is keeping her busy. Ask her if you can take her out to lunch. Your treat. In your quality time bring up your girlfriend. You can start by saying something like, "Mom, I have to tell you something." At this point, you will have her full attention. Begin to carefully explain to her how much your girl means to you and that it's very important to you that she and your girl have a good relationship. Tell her you understand she's not indian and how it would be ideal to have an indian tamil christian girl. However, then explain how the feelings you have for her are something you didn't chose to do, but instead they were a result of something that just happened. Tell her she makes you "happy."

I don't know your mother, but i think its safe to say she will not be upset over this, disown you at this point, or try to kill you. She will most likely begin to come around. You took her out and wanted to do something nice for her. Immediately she'll know this is important to you because you went out of your way to get the message across.

At the end of the day, your mother will understand this makes you happy and soon enough she will begin to accept your girl. And screw the community and what they think. Don't even bother with that.

-Alberto

no offense, but i dont think that will work...

my g/f tried that and it blew up.

 

[Zee]

Originally posted by: Rufio

Originally posted by: albertosantiago
Indian with dilemma,

Im not bothering to read all of these posts and i don't know what you've tried so far. But in case you still feel that there is hope, i suggest the following. i might be oversimplifying the situation, but sometimes the "less is more" approach carries more weight.

Operation Acceptance:

Sit your mother down for some quality time. Dont approach her while she is cooking dinner, yelling at you, watching tv, cleaning, at work, or doing something that is keeping her busy. Ask her if you can take her out to lunch. Your treat. In your quality time bring up your girlfriend. You can start by saying something like, "Mom, I have to tell you something." At this point, you will have her full attention. Begin to carefully explain to her how much your girl means to you and that it's very important to you that she and your girl have a good relationship. Tell her you understand she's not indian and how it would be ideal to have an indian tamil christian girl. However, then explain how the feelings you have for her are something you didn't chose to do, but instead they were a result of something that just happened. Tell her she makes you "happy."

I don't know your mother, but i think its safe to say she will not be upset over this, disown you at this point, or try to kill you. She will most likely begin to come around. You took her out and wanted to do something nice for her. Immediately she'll know this is important to you because you went out of your way to get the message across.

At the end of the day, your mother will understand this makes you happy and soon enough she will begin to accept your girl. And screw the community and what they think. Don't even bother with that.

-Alberto

no offense, but i dont think that will work...

my g/f tried that and it blew up.

Indeed, i doubt this would work.

And you are missing YAGT on the thread title

 

[DigDug]

Indians don't hate jewish people. That's pure and utter BS. There have been counteless conference between leaders of the Jewish and Indian communities in NY. Indians recognize the success that has made Jews who they are and look up to their social strength.
Don't generalize.

 

[psianime]

I'm Viet and my mom HATES koreans. I brought home a korean girl once and my mom was really mad at me. I have no idea why because the girl I brought over wasn't all about k-pride.

It's really hard to change your parent's ethnic and racial beliefs. I don't think you can do much here. Who do you love more? Your parents or your 6-year gf?

 

[wfbberzerker]

if your parents refuse to accept her, then you have to make a choice. your girlfriend, or your parents.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: BlipBlop
Indians don't hate jewish people. That's pure and utter BS. There have been counteless conference between leaders of the Jewish and Indian communities in NY. Indians recognize the success that has made Jews who they are and look up to their social strength.
Don't generalize.

I said that I didn't want to generalize and said that my family and especially extended family has problems with jews..

 

[SammyBoy]

If they moved to america and now cant accept an american woman, tell them to screw off and go back to southern india. There are plenty of hard working people who would die to be in America and totally embrace the land and the culture.

If my parents ever gave me crap for something like the nationality of someone I loved I'd beat them to near death with a wiffle bat, just like Eric Cartman, my role model.

 

[her209]

It aint gonna work.

 

[Rufio]

Originally posted by: wfbberzerker
if your parents refuse to accept her, then you have to make a choice. your girlfriend, or your parents.

 

[Rufio]

Originally posted by: wfbberzerker
if your parents refuse to accept her, then you have to make a choice. your girlfriend, or your parents.

 

[Miramonti]

Your parents have to learn to accept her...

or you have to learn to accept they won't accept her...

or you have to move far away so they appreciate more you simply being in their lives and not taking you for granted, and hopefully grow to accept/respect you and your decisions.

 

[isaacmacdonald]

I'm not asian, but I play one on tv.

in all seriousness, this is a very familiar situation. Sadly, parents that don't adapt simply can't be finessed into understanding your position. There really is no compromise that can be made. You simply have to choose your path and try to remain open to your parents. Initially they may despise you, but with time they'll hopefully come around.

 

[bolido2000]

Originally posted by: wfbberzerker
if your parents refuse to accept her, then you have to make a choice. your girlfriend, or your parents.

Parents are forever. You might break up with your gf in 10 years.
Just stand your ground. I don't think they will disown you once if you ever get married and see that she is a good girl

 

[imported_vr6]

are u the one gettin married or are your parents gettin married?

sometimes, u have to be a little selfish to be happy. Your parents are being selfish for making u do what makes them happy, so whos happiness do u care more about? You and your girlfriend or your parents?

 

[kokemon23]

Originally posted by: venk
You need new parents. Seriously though, I don't where you come up with this most Indians are racist crap (my family, our friends, and our acquaintances are the furthest thing from), maybe it's just the Christian variety of Indian.

BTW. this is the first time I?ve ever heard of Indians hating Jews. Muslims yes, but Jews? I?ve never heard an Indian say a disparaging word about them. Where did that come from?

This remark is very typical of most Indians and Pakistanis. Just to let people know, being Indian and Muslim are not mutually exclusive. I am a Muslim who's parents are both from South India (I was born and raised here).

 

[Nitemare]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Would they rather me screw around and then just marry someone that I don't love?

Yes they probably would.

Arranged marriages suck. Best bet would be to get married, I take it you are planning on that. They will either accept her then or accept it later.

 

[mAdD INDIAN]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: xEDIT409
Man, I'm indian, and I know how you feel.

My mom is a psycho when it comes to these things. Like, I honestly believe she will disown me if SHE doesn't get to pick my wife... yeah right, no way in hell that's gonna happen.
My dad on the otherhand, it a lot more leniant.

I still have like 5-7 yrs to figure this problem out, cuz i'm only 17 right now.

Try sitting down with them, and DO NOT get up until they have accepted her.

Or show them Bend it Like Beckham.

If you don't mind me asking, what part of india are you from?

Hey,
Yeah, they've seen bend it like beckam .. Didn't help My mother actually said that she would disown me if I didn't marry a "tamil, christian girl" (i'm tamil - from south india) when I was growing up.. Luckily, I'm a rebellious fellow and would rather get disowned then even consider giving up my girl.. That's not the issue (nor should it be for you!).. I have a girl that I love and since I love her I want them to accept her.. Know what I mean? They don't have to love her, just don't disrespect her.. I should talk to them... I just get a bit angry and emotional about it because the situation sounds absurd.. Would they rather me screw around and then just marry someone that I don't love?

Vannakam. Your tamil? Your scrwed. In my experienc,e I've noticed that tamil parents are 100x stricter than normal indian parents. I have cousins where they were married to white ppl..and the family supported them. Hell, the extended family supported them as well. Everyone came down from India to participate in the beautiful ceremony (it really was awesome..perfect setting and all).