Asian people - I need advice

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: TuffGirl

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
So how do I make them get with the times? I will definately marry this girl but I feel terrible every time they suggest taking me out for an event (b-day, etc.) and give me the "what's she doing here?" glance when I bring her along.. Grr.. they should just grow up..

Like you said, it's not part of their culture so why should they have to accept something that's so ingrained in them for years and years? It doesn't make sense; it's not a matter of their "growing up." Sheesh. I sympathize with you and agree that it sucks that you and your parents have such a cultural gap, but expecting them to become something opposite of their culture and saying they need to grow up is just as reproachable as their close-mindedness about your girlfriend.:|

Because you can't (and shouldn't IMO) change your parents' views, maybe you shouldn't bring your girlfriend to your family events. Your efforts to make your family accept her are all well and good but the fact remains your family is conservative, nothing is going to change that, and they will alienate her because she is not Indian. I think you should accept your parents' conservative views and your situation as a fact of life and enjoy your time with your g/f away from your family, since all they'll do is make her uncomfortable. Marry her when you feel the time is right and then who knows, perhaps your family will accept her in the long run after you've shown to them you are really committed to this girl for life, despite your defiance against them.

I whole heartidly disagree with you.. Part of being a mature adult is adapting with the culture and values of the land you live in..... I understand that they have their own unique culture and that's fine.. But calling someone a whore and mistreating them based on links to a land that they frankly abandoned is not mature..

I also must add that I'm not milatant about making them americans.. i don't expect them to go to a baseball game with me and go out for a drink and hotdogs afterwards.. I just want them to accept their son and the girl that he loves.. What's wrong with that?

 

[GroundZero]

Originally posted by: coldcut
Love is love....

pics or ban.....

why do you need pics? but love is love and you are still a jackass for doing the pics sh1t

YOU GET THE JACKASS OF THE DAY AWARD!

 

[TommyVercetti]

Why do Indian people hate Jewish people, like you stated in your first post? I would suspect an Indian Muslim to harbor hatred for a Jewish person, but a Tamil Christian?

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: TommyVercetti
Why do Indian people hate Jewish people, like you stated in your first post? I would suspect an Indian Muslim to harbor hatred for a Jewish person, but a Tamil Christian?

I don't want to speak for a nation or lead to generalizations.. But my family (and extended family and their friends) greatly dislike jewish people and a few other races...In fact, my sister (born in the USA) constantly make jives against my jewish gf ("happy Hanukkah! Oh, it's not Hanukkah, I'm sure there's some jewish holiday right around now".. grr..).. It's hard to explain why but I think it has a lot to do with the false impression that jewish people are all very rich and very successful... It's partly jealousy and partly that they feel that the government, society pulls strings for jewish people.. They also hate black people based on the fallacy that black people are lazy but live off of government cheese... It's ludicrous but they continue to harbor these feelings even though they've lived in the U.S. longer than they've lived in indian (they're in their 50s but lived in the U.S. for 30+ years).. My gf and her family are working class, hard working and generous people but my parents still feel that they're cheap yet loaded... It defied reason, I know..

 

[Savij]

I'm indian and was in the exact same situation. I'm 22, she's 20 and white. My parents don't even bring up the fact that she's white anymore since we moved in together. She's living with me for the summer and everyone (the indian community) knows it. Her race is no longer an issue and my parents bring up the issue of us living together up everyonce in a while but aren't too bad about it since it's only for the summer. They've only met her a couple of times since we live 1200 miles away so that might be helping too.

-ss

 

[TommyVercetti]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212


I whole heartidly disagree with you.. Part of being a mature adult is adapting with the culture and values of the land you live in..... I understand that they have their own unique culture and that's fine.. But calling someone a whore and mistreating them based on links to a land that they frankly abandoned is not mature..
?

That behaviour doesn't look mature to you, because you grew up in this country. In most countries, asserting your culture and not accepting anyone else's is the norm. Looking down upon people for their religion and values is considered perfectly normal. That is what your parents saw growing up, and is ingrained in their head, and at this age, it is very hard to change.

 

[TuffGirl]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: TuffGirl

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
So how do I make them get with the times? I will definately marry this girl but I feel terrible every time they suggest taking me out for an event (b-day, etc.) and give me the "what's she doing here?" glance when I bring her along.. Grr.. they should just grow up..

Like you said, it's not part of their culture so why should they have to accept something that's so ingrained in them for years and years? It doesn't make sense; it's not a matter of their "growing up." Sheesh. I sympathize with you and agree that it sucks that you and your parents have such a cultural gap, but expecting them to become something opposite of their culture and saying they need to grow up is just as reproachable as their close-mindedness about your girlfriend.:|

Because you can't (and shouldn't IMO) change your parents' views, maybe you shouldn't bring your girlfriend to your family events. Your efforts to make your family accept her are all well and good but the fact remains your family is conservative, nothing is going to change that, and they will alienate her because she is not Indian. I think you should accept your parents' conservative views and your situation as a fact of life and enjoy your time with your g/f away from your family, since all they'll do is make her uncomfortable. Marry her when you feel the time is right and then who knows, perhaps your family will accept her in the long run after you've shown to them you are really committed to this girl for life, despite your defiance against them.

I whole heartidly disagree with you.. Part of being a mature adult is adapting with the culture and values of the land you live in..... I understand that they have their own unique culture and that's fine.. But calling someone a whore and mistreating them based on links to a land that they frankly abandoned is not mature..

I also must add that I'm not milatant about making them americans.. i don't expect them to go to a baseball game with me and go out for a drink and hotdogs afterwards.. I just want them to accept their son and the girl that he loves.. What's wrong with that?

Fair enough. I wouldn't call it immature though, but that's just semantics.

I agree with your statement because I can personally relate to being called a whore and much worse abusive things by my mother countless times. It's not fair; it sucks; and I often don't know how to deal with it, but I do know I can't change her despite the many ways and times I've tried over the years.

You should accept that and not expect to change your parents because well they're your parents. I've told my mom sooo many times "The ends don't justify the means" but it goes in one ear and out the other. So what do I do? Just deal and struggle with it and try to come up with ways to productively communicate with her because it's all I can do. Telling your parents to grow up is not productive, I can tell you that much.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: TuffGirl
You should accept that and not expect to change your parents because well they're your parents. I've told my mom sooo many times "The ends don't justify the means" but it goes in one ear and out the other. So what do I do? Just deal and struggle with it and try to come up with ways to productively communicate with her because it's all I can do. Telling your parents to grow up is not productive, I can tell you that much.

I've never told my parents to grow up.. I feel that, but I've never said it..

 

[TuffGirl]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: TuffGirl
You should accept that and not expect to change your parents because well they're your parents. I've told my mom sooo many times "The ends don't justify the means" but it goes in one ear and out the other. So what do I do? Just deal and struggle with it and try to come up with ways to productively communicate with her because it's all I can do. Telling your parents to grow up is not productive, I can tell you that much.

I've never told my parents to grow up.. I feel that, but I've never said it..

Fair enough, but look at it this way, how can you expect your parents to accept you for your Western views about dating when you don't accept theirs? Mind you, I'm not condoning or saying you should condone their behavior as far as mistreating and disrespecting you. I'm just referring to their conservative views. Food for thought.

 

[kranky]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
I should talk to them...

There's your answer...

to this problem, and to 99.9% of all YAxT threads.

 

[Savij]

Originally posted by: kranky

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
I should talk to them...

There's your answer...

to this problem, and to 99.9% of all YAxT threads.

I'm talking to my car but it's still not starting

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: kranky

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
I should talk to them...

There's your answer...

to this problem, and to 99.9% of all YAxT threads.

This is not about a car or a girl! It's about respect not about trying to pick up a girl or pick up affordable yet high quality speakers..

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: TuffGirl
I've never told my parents to grow up.. I feel that, but I've never said it..

Fair enough, but look at it this way, how can you expect your parents to accept you for your Western views about dating when you don't accept theirs? Mind you, I'm not condoning or saying you should condone their behavior as far as mistreating and disrespecting you. I'm just referring to their conservative views. Food for thought.[/quote]

Hey, empathy is my strongest quality in my opinion.. I have never spoken poorly about their culture.. My mom wears a sari and I think it's actually kinda cool.. I'm not asking them to accept my western view on dating.. They can still prefer their indian arranged marriage system.. Hell, they can prefer to eat plastic spoons.. I just think that me and my gf (and to a lesser degree, her culture) should be respected regardless of her race or the concept of dating itself.. I feel that it's a parents obligation to accept their child...Imagine if I turned out gay! They're attitude would probably lead me down some dark alley..

 

[OulOat]

Originally posted by: Savij

Originally posted by: kranky

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
I should talk to them...

There's your answer...

to this problem, and to 99.9% of all YAxT threads.

I'm talking to my car but it's still not starting

Talk = beat it with a stick for cars

 

[tnitsuj]

It seems like you have tried very hard for six years to make them accept you and your girlfriend, and it hasn't worked. I don't think it ever will, and that isn't your fault. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

Do you still live at home?

 

[atom]

Do your parents want you to get into an arranged marriage? That would suck. If my parents wanted me in an arranged marriage, I'd drop the f-bomb on them and move away.

I guess I am lucky because most Asian families see the parent-offspring relationship as authoritarian while I have a more open relationship with my parents.

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: tnitsuj
It seems like you have tried very hard for six years to make them accept you and your girlfriend, and it hasn't worked. I don't think it ever will, and that isn't your fault. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

Do you still live at home?

Yeah, I'm still in college (took a year off for work) so I'm stuck in their home for a while.. It just makes the whole situation that much worse..

 

[slackerinabox]

Originally posted by: atom
Do your parents want you to get into an arranged marriage? That would suck. If my parents wanted me in an arranged marriage, I'd drop the f-bomb on them and move away.

I guess I am lucky because most Asian families see the parent-offspring relationship as authoritarian while I have a more open relationship with my parents.

This sound bizzare and sick but they wanted me to marry my 2nd cousin ever since I was like 4... They don't expect me to get an arranged marriage now but they still comment about it all the time..

 

[TommyVercetti]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: atom
Do your parents want you to get into an arranged marriage? That would suck. If my parents wanted me in an arranged marriage, I'd drop the f-bomb on them and move away.

I guess I am lucky because most Asian families see the parent-offspring relationship as authoritarian while I have a more open relationship with my parents.

This sound bizzare and sick but they wanted me to marry my 2nd cousin ever since I was like 4... They don't expect me to get an arranged marriage now but they still comment about it all the time..

Is arranged marriage amongst Indian people who grew up and live in the US, still a norm. Someone told me that only 1% of these people actually have an arranged marriage.

 

[Wheatmaster]

damn i know how you feel. How does your dad feel about this? i know your mom is pissed but in most of these cases, the dad is pretty cool with this and over time everything is normal.

 

[bubbasmith99]

cut off their legs.

 

[tnitsuj]

Originally posted by: bubbasmith99
cut off their legs.

I say save up, get a job and move out as SOON AS POSSIBLE.

 

[busmaster11]

I'm in a very similiar situation. I'm 26, my gf and I have been going out for 5 years, and we're both Chinese. I'm from the mainland, and she's fron Hong Kong. My parents don't like her either, saying she's not traditional enough and stuff like that. Very petty crap.

I say, you're growing up in a much more PC and liberal society, and in many cases including this one, it's a more fair one. If you believe in god, pray about it. If not, there;s not much you can do. Sooner or later they will have to realize that she is the one you love, and they will have to either embrace that fact, or alienate themselves from your life.

If their myopic beliefs are so deeply ingrained that they can't understand your reasoning, you should not be obligated to suffer because of it. Respect them for who they are and for the sacrifices they made for you. But don't allow their views to ruin what you have.

 

[venk]

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: TommyVercetti
Why do Indian people hate Jewish people, like you stated in your first post? I would suspect an Indian Muslim to harbor hatred for a Jewish person, but a Tamil Christian?

I don't want to speak for a nation or lead to generalizations.. But my family (and extended family and their friends) greatly dislike jewish people and a few other races...In fact, my sister (born in the USA) constantly make jives against my jewish gf ("happy Hanukkah! Oh, it's not Hanukkah, I'm sure there's some jewish holiday right around now".. grr..).. It's hard to explain why but I think it has a lot to do with the false impression that jewish people are all very rich and very successful... It's partly jealousy and partly that they feel that the government, society pulls strings for jewish people.. They also hate black people based on the fallacy that black people are lazy but live off of government cheese... It's ludicrous but they continue to harbor these feelings even though they've lived in the U.S. longer than they've lived in indian (they're in their 50s but lived in the U.S. for 30+ years).. My gf and her family are working class, hard working and generous people but my parents still feel that they're cheap yet loaded... It defied reason, I know..

I get it now. It's not that INdians are racist, it's that your family is fvked up.

 

[tnitsuj]

Originally posted by: venk

Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212

Originally posted by: TommyVercetti
Why do Indian people hate Jewish people, like you stated in your first post? I would suspect an Indian Muslim to harbor hatred for a Jewish person, but a Tamil Christian?

I don't want to speak for a nation or lead to generalizations.. But my family (and extended family and their friends) greatly dislike jewish people and a few other races...In fact, my sister (born in the USA) constantly make jives against my jewish gf ("happy Hanukkah! Oh, it's not Hanukkah, I'm sure there's some jewish holiday right around now".. grr..).. It's hard to explain why but I think it has a lot to do with the false impression that jewish people are all very rich and very successful... It's partly jealousy and partly that they feel that the government, society pulls strings for jewish people.. They also hate black people based on the fallacy that black people are lazy but live off of government cheese... It's ludicrous but they continue to harbor these feelings even though they've lived in the U.S. longer than they've lived in indian (they're in their 50s but lived in the U.S. for 30+ years).. My gf and her family are working class, hard working and generous people but my parents still feel that they're cheap yet loaded... It defied reason, I know..

I get it now. It's not that INdians are racist, it's that your family is fvked up.

I lived in a neighborhood with a lot of Indians and Asians. A lot of them are like this. (FROM MY EXPERIENCE)