jooksing - been there, tried that once, she just gets pissed off... a couple of guys that hang around her that like her that she can't stand are frequent users of the "treat like dirt" theory. So until it starts working for them... I'm not going to bother with it. I get to hear about the assholes that treat her like dirt... remember... she tells me stuff like that.... so listening kind of points me the way I need to go. Some of the best asshole stories she has told me have been of assholes that where assholes on dates.
Hmm.. well either way I see you in denial if that's true... your not willing to admit the power she has over you.. and you are leading down a dangerous path by not accepting that she's not interested and leaving it at that and if your truly interested in keeping her as a friend regardless of her response to you you should be willing to do that.. you need to tell her how you feel and I'm not talking casually I'm talking you tell her now in a cold, serious tone perhaps without the ultimatum.. if you value the friendship you shouldn't base it on something your holding back...
How 'bout some different advice since you don't like the cold-turkey method and are set with keeping her around.. If you don't want to confront her and just ignore the issue than do what I ended up doing in your situation.. distance yourself from her, not completely but tone it down and concentrate on finding other women like she is doing with these men.. get out there and date other people.. when she wants to talk and you'd rather not say you're busy.. get out there.. be busy.. stop obsessing about your best friend and find someone who wants to jump your bones or if you prefer (as I do) someone who would want to have a relationship beyond being "just friends" with you..
ThePresence
Elite Member
- Nov 19, 2001
- 27,727
- 16
- 81
well, i dont mean treat her literally like dirt....always act with class, but return fewer of her phone calls, show her you have a life and a lot is going for you. I will not hear of another AT brother playing the nice guy role!
All I can say, is keep up hope. Maybe she's doing some serious thinking and will end up surprising you with a lot more than a kiss on your birthday
BTW you've set this up really smoothly. I've got to hand it to you. And you're awesome for doing it too -- you never know until you ask. Asking takes guts, and you did it.
BTW you've set this up really smoothly. I've got to hand it to you. And you're awesome for doing it too -- you never know until you ask. Asking takes guts, and you did it.
If you're both younger than 25, stick with it and wait for her to come around. If you're over 25, get a new best friend.
yllus
Elite Member & Lifer
- Aug 20, 2000
- 20,577
- 432
- 126
Just wait until she finds someone truly worthwhile. Then she starts spending a lot more time with him than you. And you start to feel the burn. Your hopes for reunification mostly rest on her not finding any other guy she meets particularly interesting.
You have my sympathies, but listen to what we're all saying. Your situation cannot stay the way it is indefinitely. Your policy on break-up should be "I don't do friends. See ya."
Good luck.
You have my sympathies, but listen to what we're all saying. Your situation cannot stay the way it is indefinitely. Your policy on break-up should be "I don't do friends. See ya."
Good luck.
Kadarin
Lifer
- Nov 23, 2001
- 44,296
- 16
- 81
Sounds like you're a great guy, but missing in some unknown quality that she's wanting in a b/f. As others have said, stop obsessing over her, and consider going out with someone else. Maybe she'll be willing to help hook you up? (If she's truly a friend and not just using you, she'd probably be happy to do it..)
i feel for you, same thing is happening to me right now, but luckly i'm getting some time to get over her before she starts dating, because that would really suck. Go find yourself another girlfriend... give it one last shot with her if you want, see if she'll accept, if she doesn't, then MOVE ON. if you don't being around her and her boyfriend is going to make your life misearble. good luck
My two best friends are women, and I dated both of them in the past. Both, at some point, had (one has) strong feelings for me, so I can comment on this situation.
Only you can discern your true state as a "friend". Once you have truly become a "friend" in her eyes, there is very, very little chance of transcending that once again. If she feels comfortable discussing dating other guys around you, it seems to me that you've definitely hit that "friend only" state. Once you're there, any sort of sexual conduct seems almost taboo.
One of my friends, whom I dated a while back, had strong feelings for me for quite some time, so we didn't hang out much with each other because it just made things too difficult. It seemed overnight that I acquired the "friend only" status, and I know there's no way I could ever become otherwise. She talks to me about her dates, asks for opinions on what to wear for dates, etc.. We go out, have fun, and that's it. Even thinking of asking her for a kiss seems awkward, and I believe your requesting a kiss from your friend probably made her feel awkward as well.
Having women as friends is a great thing, so don't ruin it.
Only you can discern your true state as a "friend". Once you have truly become a "friend" in her eyes, there is very, very little chance of transcending that once again. If she feels comfortable discussing dating other guys around you, it seems to me that you've definitely hit that "friend only" state. Once you're there, any sort of sexual conduct seems almost taboo.
One of my friends, whom I dated a while back, had strong feelings for me for quite some time, so we didn't hang out much with each other because it just made things too difficult. It seemed overnight that I acquired the "friend only" status, and I know there's no way I could ever become otherwise. She talks to me about her dates, asks for opinions on what to wear for dates, etc.. We go out, have fun, and that's it. Even thinking of asking her for a kiss seems awkward, and I believe your requesting a kiss from your friend probably made her feel awkward as well.
Having women as friends is a great thing, so don't ruin it.
<<you are setting yourself up to be hurt bad. get out while you still can. >>
You are her emotional tampon. That's all. You are comfortable to her. That's why she keeps you around, and you are letting her do it.
Leave, quickly.
You are her emotional tampon. That's all. You are comfortable to her. That's why she keeps you around, and you are letting her do it.
Leave, quickly.
You're only torturing youself, I hope you realize that. Also, yllus is dead on when he says that the minute she gets a real BF you'll be completely out of the picture. Don't wait for that to happen, it will be worse. Instead, slowly start spending less and less time with her. Try to find someone else. You'll be better off for it.
Azraele
Elite Member
- Nov 5, 2000
- 16,524
- 29
- 91
I disagree, I don't think she's using him, I think she really enjoys his friendship, company, and opinions. Just because she's not romantically interested doesn not mean that the two of them can't have a meaningful friendship.
hpkeeper: I do think you're getting your hopes up. If I were you, I'd try to keep it in the friendship realm and do as she does, look for a significant other elsewhere. You will find one, and when you do, you can go to her for opinions and share your happiness with her as she does with you.
<<Just wait until she finds someone truly worthwhile. Then she starts spending a lot more time with him than you. And you start to feel the burn.>>
Exactly. The only reason you two are still best friends is she doesn't have a serious boyfriend yet.
Do you think the next guy she gets serious with will want her hanging out as "best friends" with her ex?
Exactly. The only reason you two are still best friends is she doesn't have a serious boyfriend yet.
Do you think the next guy she gets serious with will want her hanging out as "best friends" with her ex?
Summon the courage to make it a passionate kiss and take control of where it goes. If she resists, then spill your heart, tell her the friend thing isn't as acceptable in your heart as it is in theory, and that you figured you'd give the two of you one last chance. Being around an ex who "just wants to be friends" is horrible until you actually move on and find someone new, then that ex is just keeping up a constant cry for attention (sorry, that last bit is a bit of personal experience)
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