Are you a good parent?

[Croton]

If you are a parent:

Do you consider yourselves a good parent?

The reason i am asking this is because my dad is leaving to go to Washington to work for Microsoft, and he's leaving my mom, me, and my brother behind. I'm 22 years old, and in my last year of college. My brother just started college this year. I have to live at home because my dad is leaving, and I have to take care of the house and my mom & brother. So I am taking a part time job at Raytheon, commuting from home to school (75 miles roundtrip), and taking care of the family while completing my EE degree.

My dad isn't leaving because of a divorce or seperation. He's leaving because he can make more money at Microsoft than here in Southern California.

I'm just incredibly sad because my dad and I never go to do the 'father & son' stuff -- like play sports, go to sports games, sit and talk. He's not into that stuff. He says that as long as he provides the money for the family then he's doing his job.

Our family sat down for a while and talked about him leaving. I was the only who didn't support him leaving. I guess I am still waiting for him to take me and my brother out to do some father/son stuff.

Anyways, I don't know why I'm posting this. I've tried to talk to my friends about this, but it doesn't seem to come out as easy as I can type it............

 

[Chef0083]

Sounds like a tough time for you. I am not a parent but I can understand what your going through. My dad was away from us several times for extended periods of time and it was not easy. It's a shame that you all can't go with him, or atleast your mother. I know that will be rough.

 

[BiB]

long as he provides the money for the family then he's doing his job.



I hope you don't buy into that

I haven't done as much stuff with my father as I will do with my kids either...I guess thats life, not much you can do about it because your dad isn't going to change. What you can learn from this though is that when you have kids you can make none of the mistakes your father did. I am always now relieved that at 22 I can finally make my own decisions and do what I want. I don't live at home under the yoke of my parents - and that is a feeling I don't want my kids to have; that they are leaving under the power of un-fair parents.

BiB

 

[Isla]

I should be working, but your post caught my attention. It's heavy and deserves a serious and thoughtful approach.

First, kudos to you for being responsible and caring. I am sure that your mother and brother will both remember the sacrifices that you are making. It will be worth it in the end.

Second, your father is probably just echoing the actions of his parents before him. You will have to try to forgive him eventually or you will be in danger of repeating the same mistakes. The more aware and awake you can be, the better. In the future, you may be able to talk to him more about this. Methinks there is more to his decision than meets the eye. What, I do not know, but there is always more than we can see.

Finally, do I consider myself a good parent? I know that I try to be a good parent. To me, making sacrifices for my children is a big part of being a good parent. My dilemma is in just how much sacrifice is good for me to make for my kids. I am on the high road to martyrdom, and I come from a long line of martyred mothers. I find this more than a little alarming. I do not want to lay any subconscious guilt trips on my amazing technicolor babies. I love them (and all children) and count them as my greatest achievement and highest priority. Itry to find balance by making time to be selfish each day, even if it is just going for a jog by myself. Having a rockin' cyberlife helps, too.

I am a counselor by profession and education, so if you ever want to talk more, let me know. I'll listen without judgement.

Peace!

 

[Wingznut]

Of course my knowledge of the situation is very limited, but that's never stopped me of stating my opinion before.

I'm a father of two boys, 6 and 2.

Imho, if your father is putting a burden on his family by leaving, then he's not doing you guys any favors.
However, you guys ARE all adults and should be able to take care of yourselves. Why do you have to get a job now, where before you didn't? Is your dad not planning on taking care of you guys financially? And can't your mother and brother take care of themselves?

Definitely don't buy into the "as long as he provides the money" crap. A father's job is to ensure that he and the mother raise responsible adults. Sure, part of that equation is financial... But (imho) that's the easy part.

I hate my job (I fix Jeeps at the local dealership), and I could make more money with a normal schedule, and I'd certainly be happier in a different career. But as a trade off, I get to stay home with my kids four days a week, we have no need for day care, and I make enough money to support this little family.

So yeah, I do consider myself a good dad.

 

[Stallion]

Croton, I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your Father. It sounds a lot like mine. My Family is not real close and is one of the few that I know of that does not hug or tell each other that they love one another. My Dad did some of the normal Family things with me but we never really had any 1 on 1 time that I can remember and now that he is 74 years old I wish we had done more things together. I live in the Seattlearea and I was planning on taking him to a baseball game before the season is over, just us two..

I now have a son, although he is only 17 months old, but I know that I want to be there for him and do the Father Son stuff with him when he grows up that me and my Dad didn't get a chance to do.

me and my Wife both work for Boeing and she has had numerous chances to work for MS but has declined. We also have numerous friends who work there and love it. Your Dad might not show it on the outside but inside he might be very scared to leave you all there. Take the initiative and ask him to a ballgame or out to dinner or to a movie.

 

[desy]

I believe the song is called "Cats in the cradle"
Nothing new, my dad was an alcoholic for basically my childhood not abusive just absent. Nowadays he is much more interested in my life so I guess with that in mind this might be a short term thing for you and
perspective wise your an adult and so's you brother, dad won't always be around and some are nothing more than the supplier of sperm as far as life goes sometimes.

 

[Wingznut]

Same with our family, Stallion.

We've never told each other that we love each other. And I can count the number of times that I've seen any of us (four) kids hug our parents, on one hand. My life's goal is to not repeat that scenario with my kids. So far, so good.

Cats in the Cradle is an awesome song.

 

[SirFshAlot]

I can only hope that I turn out to be as good a parent as mine were to me.

There is so much more to parenting than giving children what they want.
It's the parents' responsibility to teach their children, and prepare them for life.
Time is our greatest gift that we can give to them. Children need our time and attention more than any of our money or toys.

 

[IBhacknU]

First of all,

I feel bad for you that your father chooses to put his work before his family. JUST PLAIN WRONG, in my opinion.

Secondly, no good paying jobs in So. Cal. Come on! I don't beleive that for a second. If he's qualified and skilled (and one would think so, if he's been recruited by MS), then he should have no prob finding something closer to home.

Print out all these replys and mail them to your dad. It sounds like he's already made up his mind!

 

[Yeeny]

I kind of understand what you are saying, just from a different angle. My husband is a good man, and a good provider. But when it comes to spending time with his sons, that just does not happen. No fishing, playing catch or tossing the football around. He does not do any of the things that are important to a son with his dad. He does not make a lot of time for them, and always tells them that he is busy. I try to play sports with them, but I don't know all the rules, and I feel like my sons are being cheated out of something important. But he does take good care of us, and I try to keep that in mind. I grew up in a home with a very attentive family, and it just bugs me that my husband is not the same way as my father. Maybe I was just spoiled and expect to much. But it kills me to see my sons eyes light up at the thought of doing something with dad, only to have them let down yet again.

I consider myself a very good mother. I am understanding, and always have time for them when they need me. I volunteer at their schools and their after school projects. But I know there is always room for improvement, so it's a daily learning experience.

 

[Tripleshot]

It sounds to me as if Dad is off preparing a new career in an atmosphere that is healthier than So. Cal. is and if you have not discussed your feelings with your father,now is the time to do so.
Absent any unmentioned higher issues,your Dad's actions mirror mine after 30 years of marriage and raising 7 children.I have at times needed to make a geographical change for the sake of financial advancement or better living conditions for my family.Those options were not up for a vote by my children.It was discussed and reasoned by my wife and myself.
If you say this is not a divorce or seperation issue,than give it time.I would think the action has met the approval of your Mother.Perhaps your Dad is thinking of retirement and would like to establish roots in the Pacific Northwest.
It is a good thing you do, coming back to the home front to help out during this transition.I commend you for doing so.I would expect the same from my children if I where in the same postion and I know I could count on them.


In answer to your question---Hmmmmm

I don't think I am a "good" parent by some standards,but I am the best parent I can be with the tools I have available.
I discovered years ago,life is an ongoing learning experience,and I am just a freshman student.It's a wonderful journey.

 

[Croton]

i don't have time to reply to all your replies right now (i'm at work and i have meeting in 5 min)...

but i wanted to thank you all for your replies and advice and experiences. it really means a lot to me.

i'll be back in a few hours...

 

[Croton]

BiB
I don't buy into that. Yeah, i know it's part of his job to make the money to support the family, but it's just a part of his job as a dad.

Isla
My dad's father didn't give a sh!t about him or his siblings. They just gambled away their incomes on mahjongg every night. My dad came to America w/me & my mom, 5 pieces of luggage, and $10,000. He graduated from the best university in Taiwan. Then he went to Univ. of Alburqurque for his masters in mechanical engineering, while raising my mom, brother, and me (and working a job). Then he went to Berkeley for his PhD, still raising the family and holding 2 jobs. And he graduated magna cum laude from Cal as well. I talked to my dad about this before, and he said that he wanted to make money for us because he didn't want to be like his father. He is a hard worker, but he just focues too much on his work.

Wingznut PEZ
My dad's not really putting on a burden on our family. He makes a lot of money right now, and our family is very well off financially. I've had a job for the past 2 years here at Raytheon, so that's not really an issue (I work because it's an internship). My mom works as a nurse and is very good at it. My bro is starting his first year at UCI. I've argued w/him about leaving, and how it's always money money money to him. I told him it was unfair for him to leave my mom, but she wants to stay to make sure my brother can survive college.

Stallion
My family is very close, and this hurts me a lot because I am hoping that this won't cause our family to drift apart. My parents always tell us kids that they love us as well. But I just wish we could do more things together as well. I know that he's scared of leaving us three, because he can't be here to watch us. Well, I can't ask him to go anywhere because all he does is just yell at me all the time. Plus he's leaving this Sunday as well.

IBhacknU
Well, his work comes first a lot of times. When me and my brother were little kids, we would ask him to play basketball w/us, or go swimming, and he said he couldn't because he had big projects to work on. After a while, we just stopped asking him...and when he did have time for us, we didn't want to hang out with him anymore because that's what he did to us. As for his job, he gets paid a lot. But he wants to go to MS because he gets a lot more pay, and he gets a sh!tload of stock options. Plus he views this as his last chance to get a big break in work...... I can't email him these replies because he would kill me -- as an Chinese family, he keeps our family problems internally, and if people outside of our family knew about our problems, he would be really ashamed.

GirlFriday
I feel like you and our husband are like my mom and dad. I remember when my dad told me and my brother that he would take us out somewhere. And on the day of, something would come up, or he would be too busy with work. My mom saw how upset we were, and she would do something w/us instead.

Tripleshot
I have tried to discuss my feelings with my dad, but we end up arguing all the time. As for our living conditions and financial stability, we are set. We have a great house and a lot of money saved up. Well, my mom gives her blessing to my dad, but I know that deep down she does not want him to leave. I can't stand to see my mom sad, so I came back home so she would at least have me around to take care of her.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, thank you all for listening....I am just drained from this situation. I've never revealed so much of myself online before, and I feel so vulnerable...............

 

[Isla]

Croton,

You may feel vulnerable, but what you are is smartandbrave.

So many people just hold this stuff in and pretend it doesn't exist, but the end up being miserable and taking everybody down with them.

You hang in there and keeping moving forward. You are on the right path.

 

[chess9]

Croton:

For twenty years I worked 60-80 hours per week to provide a high standard of living for my family. I probably averaged 5 hours a month with my two boys. At 45 my wife got pregnant somehow, gave birth to our daughter, and I vowed to do it right when my daughter got a little older. At age 50 I retired. Flat quit. I stay home with my daughter and do all the things mothers usually do. I am very happy with this arrangement and feel I'm doing the right thing. My wife is quite happy as well. Frankly, I agree with you. Your father is making a big mistake. The best thing a parent can do is spend time with his/her kids. I can think of no substitute. I went out and played golf with my youngest son these last two weeks because that's what HE likes. (I don't hate golf, but close.) Anyway, we both had a great time just before he went back to college.

Unfortunately, many men don't ever get it. Maybe it's because I come from a mixed (Jewish/Catholic) family, but I'd like to think it's because I realized how selfish I had been all those years. You can never replace your kids with money, power, or prestige.

When you get married and have kids I think this lesson you've learned will be very helpful, though it is now painful. You will do the right thing by your kids, I know.

 

[jonnyjack]

Croton: i am from a chinese family as well...affection is not really a thing my family does either, but i know my parents do love me, they do other things to show their love to me...both my parents have sacraficed a lot so me and my bro can have an easier life...father-son times are few, but i know my dad tries...i'm the only one into sports in my family and whenever i watch a game on TV, my dad tries to talk about it with stuff he gets from reading the newspaper...he doesn't know much about sports but he attempts to and that means a lot to me...we also go on family vacations and both my parents stress family...all of my relatives live in the bay area like us and family gatherings are frequent...i know many of my peers at school that barely see their relatives...once a year is a lot to them...i always see at least one relative every week...all i can say is family should be more important than money...i hope all goes well in your family...