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are my parents being overly sensitive?

N

nageov3t

Lifer
2 years ago, my cousin left for Finland for an apprenticeship. while gone, he sublet his apartment in NYC.

he got back from Finland in June, but the sublet in his apartment won't be out until September... in the meantime, he's been crashing in my parents guest room while trying to find a job in the city.

my parents don't mind, but they're super butthurt that my uncle hasn't thanked them for putting up his son for 3 months.

personally, I think they're being overly sensitive... why should my uncle thank them? 😕 they're not doing a favor for him, they're doing a favor for my cousin (because my uncle lives 2 hours outside of NYC... my parents are only 15 minutes out, which makes the job hunt a lot easier)
 
Unless your cousin is less than 15 or so, its the cousin's business to thank your parents. It would be nice if his parents mentioned something about it while talking to your parents, but it certainly isn't their responsibility to be thanking your parents.
 
Option C

Your cousin and his father should both thank your parents for putting him ups, especially if he wasn't paying room and/or board.
 
Sounds like he's well over 18, so yes, your parents are off. He's on his own now so everything received is a favor -- his parents don't have some additional responsibility for him.
A general acknowledgement by your uncle that your parents are doing something of value to him in doing something nice for his son would not be out of place, but something like that can be lost in parental distancing, general male awkwardness at talking about mushy things, or vagaries in assumptions. (A thank-you can sometimes even be perceived as an insult if the reason for the thanks is out of alignment with the reason the person did the act) Also, to thank them during the occupancy implies that the thanks is because they're relieving a burden from your uncle -- i.e., that he still has parental responsibility. He doesn't, so thanks would be more appropriate at the ending -- once everything is settled and his son is back in his apartment. That finishes the concept of, "Letting him room until he's back in his apartment." Thanking them once things have resolved also cuts off any awkwardness that early thank-yous can result in if the ending turns out to be something very different than planned. (If the apartment were to fall through and your cousin were to become a long-term burden to your entire extended family... see, awkward.)

Sometimes you just have to assume that the sentiment in which you do something is silently perceived by all around you and pat yourself on the back in their stead. This is an instance where your parents should be giving themselves a pat from your uncle and let it stand at that.
 
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Doesn't really matter how old the cousin is, both him and his parents should at least thank your parents once for letting him crash there. It's just good manners.
 
Did his parents have anything to do with getting him setup there? If so yes. If he asked if he could hang till his sublet finishes and your parents say yes than I don't think your uncle should be responsible for saying thank you.
 
Option D

Mom (and possibly Dad) of your cousin are hurt that their son just came back after 2 years and is not staying with them. Happened with my mother.

They'll should still "thank" them even if they are hurt though.
 
my cousin is 4 days younger than me, so 30... he's been a pretty good house guest (other than the smoking, though he only does that outside). he's been helping my parents a ton with some home improvement projects they have going on this summer.

my uncle is one of those super highly rational, maybe borderline aspergers, people... my POV is that he likely sees no reason to thank my parents because it was my cousin's choice to stay there (not because my uncle was unwilling/unable; when he moved out to the country awhile back, he made sure that his house had 2 extra bedrooms for his kids even though they were grown/out of the house at that point)

no aunt in the picture, she died ~20 years ago (and said uncle is an uncle by marriage... the aunt was my mom's twin sister)
 
The cousin is an adult. Why are his parents required to thank your parents for something their independent son is doing? Does not compute.
 
He's 30 years old for crap sakes. Why would his daddy need to say thank-you? I think your parents are irrational.
 
waffleironhead said:
The cousin is an adult. Why are his parents required to thank your parents for something their independent son is doing? Does not compute.
Click to expand...

They're not required to, but thanking the OP's parents is just basic good manners, what is known as courtesy.

Most, if not all of those things which fall under being courteous are not required by anyone, anywhere. They are simply part and parcel of being a courteous and well-mannered adult.

That said, the OP's parents are wrong to fixate on this yet to be delivered courtesy.
 
Family = Family.

Occasionally, a line is crossed when bullshit gets too deep. In those occasions, it's ok for them to gripe. (for example, if privilages are abused and someone is really put out) Otherwise, tell them to quit bitching and suck it up. If the tables were turned, they shouldn't have to grovel for you to live with said uncle. It should be understood.

>Scarpozzi History. > While in high school, my cousin from 125 miles away was attending a University 25 minutes away. During his last year, to help save money, he stayed in my sister's room while she was in college. It just makes sense.
 
When you help out a 30 year old man with anything, do you expect his parents thanking you and not him?
what the hell?

Do your parents send their lawyer to thank other people for services or help given to them?
 
Well, in this case, I'd say the family dynamic and personalities involved have more influence than the peculiarities of East coast "white" folk.
 
Does the uncle keep in contact with your family regularly? If he was like say on the phone with your mother anyway than a thank you would be in order but if not I still wouldn't expect him to call up with the purpose of saying thank you for housing my 30 year old son who has been out of the house forever. Thats just asinine.
 
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