Anyone want to help me proofread/check my Personal Essay for college?


Diamond Member
Nov 3, 1999
Here's the prompt:

Reflecting on your family's experiences and personal circumstances, what would you like to tell us that is not already revealed or explained suficiently in your application?

Please help me out, i need input. CONSTRUCTIVE criticism please :p


Life was relatively easy and relaxed. Problems rarely ever arose. Happiness, as it seemed, was freely available to everyone--myself included. I indulged in it. But, what I had yet to discover was that the world in which I lived did not revolve so tightly around happiness. Even though the quality does make up a large portion of everyday life, our lives would be as a void; empty, lifeless, and insipid, without it. What I did not know was that happiness was not available to everyone, it was not free. One has to strive for it, weep for it, bleed for it, and ultimately, die for it.

But what is this happiness that we strive towards? Is it money? Is it love? I was once unable to answer these questions. Blame it on immaturity or stupidity-it does not matter. Whatever this shroud may be called, it was once cast over my eyes, disallowing me to view the world in its true light. But this shroud, with the years of my life spent learning and experiencing, has finally begun to be lifted. I have learned that happiness isn?t the interest-racking cash sitting in a bank account, nor the accumulation of lovers in one?s lifetime?no, it is none of these. Happiness stems from the very roots of our very existence?in family.

Let us change the time frame. Let?s move the time frame six years ahead, from the tender age of six when everything was easy and relaxed. Now, things are no longer easy or relaxed. The characteristics of happiness; laughter, unity, and joy were no longer existent--not in my family. The remnants of this once-happy past haunted us in our sleep, tore at us from the inside with every tear borne, and threatened our household with each meager paycheck. Life was not easy. Relaxed was a laughable aspect of our life. Remember happiness? Remember how it was found in family? My family did not remember. We could not see past our misfortunes.

Life was torn. Life without my father was painful. Life without the entire family I had grown to love was agonizing. Why is it that what I had established as happiness was taken from my family with the last breath of my father? My family was in pieces, devastated over the loss of our father, the loss of one who brought unity. Coupled with the fact that my life had to begin at that moment, the moment in which the educational foundation for which the rest of my life would be laid upon, the moment that I was forced to grow up, mature. As I learned once again, life was not easy.

As the years passed, I slowly let go of the many things I had learned in my family?s happier moments. But, what I did not notice was that time was passing, and with the passing of time, things begin to change. Life was not nearly as melancholy or troublesome as it once had been. I have now learned that this positive change in the lives of my family and myself did not come about on its own. One might conclude that our slowly rebuilding fortunes were due to serendipity. I do not believe this. As I had discovered in my past years, one must strive for happiness. Without my family knowing it, we had all striven for happiness.

Throughout all of these years without my father, my family has learned to adjust and cope. As for myself, coping was a difficult task. Junior high had just begun, and as I was told, my life began at that moment. The irony in this situation was that I had entered into a school with children literally blooming into their teens, but I was not ready to bloom into a teenager. No, I was not ready, as my father?s death catapulted me into heightened state of mental maturity. A curse or a blessing, I did not know. In one aspect, higher-thinking was accessible, but at a great, great price. This newly found ability tore at the wounds that my father?s death had helped to create. Questions arose, such as, ?Why did it have to happen to my dad?? These questions were left unanswered. And for such a young mind, frustration begins to claw at one?s mental happiness.

It has definitely been a struggle. Pushing all of the problems aside, coping?although difficult, was still possible. School, often and most usually difficult at times, kept its pressure against me. School, along with the reminder of my father, had me in the clutches of depression?s hold. But, I knew that I must succeed, that I had to succeed. I had to do this for my family, for myself. If it was true all along that happiness was found in family, then I will take it into my own hands to make sure that what I have discovered remains true. At that moment, I continued to work hard, pushing through all the obstacles that were placed in my path. The path has not been easy, and I have been jarred along the way, but I have been working hard, despite all the shortcomings and let-downs. Whatever has happened in the past does not matter to me anymore. The only thing that matters to me now is that I have a family, and that that family has always striven for happiness. It is now my turn to strive for this happiness that they have once achieved, and to bring it back unto them. It is what they deserve. It is what I hope to achieve.