Fuzzy,
I totally empathize with your situation. Having asian parents as well, I can totally understand both the pressures they exert on you as well as the pressure you feel to please and honor them. Even though I have a good, stable job as a graphic designer, my mom is terrified that I'll lose my job and become destitute (she's worked for the government for the past 30+ years).
So every couple of months, I'd get phone calls (bordering on harassment) begging me to take a state exam or maybe consider going back to school to get a business degree or become a lawyer or something "safe." It got to the point where she was suggesting I go to another school over a hundred miles away and commute home to see my wife on the weekends!
By this point I'd had enough and had her sit down and laid it down as loving lovingly as I could explained:
That I appreciated how much she cared about my wife and me
That lately all we have talked about is my career, which made me feel like I was a kid again
I'm not a kid and that I love my job
I enjoyed talking to her and thanked her for sharing job opportunities, but repeating herself meant that that I'd have to end the conversation.
I think I was able to make my point strongly without hurting her. Maybe something along those lines will work with you?
I totally empathize with your situation. Having asian parents as well, I can totally understand both the pressures they exert on you as well as the pressure you feel to please and honor them. Even though I have a good, stable job as a graphic designer, my mom is terrified that I'll lose my job and become destitute (she's worked for the government for the past 30+ years).
So every couple of months, I'd get phone calls (bordering on harassment) begging me to take a state exam or maybe consider going back to school to get a business degree or become a lawyer or something "safe." It got to the point where she was suggesting I go to another school over a hundred miles away and commute home to see my wife on the weekends!
By this point I'd had enough and had her sit down and laid it down as loving lovingly as I could explained:
That I appreciated how much she cared about my wife and me
That lately all we have talked about is my career, which made me feel like I was a kid again
I'm not a kid and that I love my job
I enjoyed talking to her and thanked her for sharing job opportunities, but repeating herself meant that that I'd have to end the conversation.
I think I was able to make my point strongly without hurting her. Maybe something along those lines will work with you?
Hey at least you have your dad's backing. Now you just need to learn to ignore your mom. Get yourself some other role models.
For years I had a different but yet somewhat similar situation with my dad. After learning to ignore a lot of what he says to me, I get along with him much better.
For years I had a different but yet somewhat similar situation with my dad. After learning to ignore a lot of what he says to me, I get along with him much better.
zinfamous
No Lifer
- Jul 12, 2006
- 111,978
- 31,534
- 146
wow. sounds like stereotypical over-bearing Asian parent. don't know what to say about that other than ignore it as best as you can. As an only child, are you the vehicle for her to overcompensate for something she was never able to achieve?
your photography is top notch, and just about anyone can see that. Even though it's not the most certain of fields to enter into, as long as you have the desire and patience, that kind of talent can get you far.
have you ever sent out samples to various magazines to see if you can gauge any interest? A pal of mine back in college is an amateur photographer, and he was able to convince a couple of local bars/restaurants/galleries to give him some wall space from time to time. ignore her BS, and get yourself exposed (if you haven't already) if but for no other reason to throw it back in her face....
your photography is top notch, and just about anyone can see that. Even though it's not the most certain of fields to enter into, as long as you have the desire and patience, that kind of talent can get you far.
have you ever sent out samples to various magazines to see if you can gauge any interest? A pal of mine back in college is an amateur photographer, and he was able to convince a couple of local bars/restaurants/galleries to give him some wall space from time to time. ignore her BS, and get yourself exposed (if you haven't already) if but for no other reason to throw it back in her face....
MrPickins
Diamond Member
- May 24, 2003
- 9,125
- 792
- 126
Unfortunately, this is most likely true.
Sometimes the only way to let your parents know that they are driving you away is to show them in the most obvious way possible.
Edit: Just don't forget to reestablish contact at some point. Over time, it becomes really easy to maintain distance...
dainthomas
Lifer
- Dec 7, 2004
- 14,957
- 3,948
- 136
Toastedlightly
Diamond Member
- Aug 7, 2004
- 7,215
- 6
- 81
Learning to turn off when you know your parents are about to bitch at you again is a essential skill for retaining sanity.
My mom passed away on the 11th of this November. She was 51. No previous medical history, and no warning. It was from a blood clot.
Of all her kids, she bitched at me the most. She knew it, I knew it, and the whole family knew it. The last few years of her life we became closer though, and for that I am at peace. I know without a doubt she loved me more than anyone probably ever will. If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't say things to you. However, you need to tell them how it feels, otherwise you are going to end up like my mom's sister and nephew. They had a truly unimportant squabble with my mom that lasted for 2 yrs. Over something stupid. She passed away so fast, and with so little warning that they never had a chance to mend it.
Good luck to you. Life is too short to let little things get the best of you.
Of all her kids, she bitched at me the most. She knew it, I knew it, and the whole family knew it. The last few years of her life we became closer though, and for that I am at peace. I know without a doubt she loved me more than anyone probably ever will. If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't say things to you. However, you need to tell them how it feels, otherwise you are going to end up like my mom's sister and nephew. They had a truly unimportant squabble with my mom that lasted for 2 yrs. Over something stupid. She passed away so fast, and with so little warning that they never had a chance to mend it.
Good luck to you. Life is too short to let little things get the best of you.
Well I dont know what you are going to school for but maybe you shouldnt live too close to your parents when you get your first job. Some people dont get along very well. Maybe during your spring break you should go some place else.
- Jan 2, 2006
- 10,455
- 35
- 91
Thanks for the comments guys, and I'm sorry to hear about all you other people who had worse Thanksgivings than mine 
My major is Supply Chain Management (business field). I do NOT want photography to be a job because it's my hobby and I don't want to ruin it. However, being something like a travel photographer would be close to being a dream job, but highly unlikely. IMO the best thing for me to do is to make a lot of money while I'm young and be able to retire early, while I'm young enough to still be able to do things like travel, backpack, whatever. I also don't want to have kids for this very reason (which is a HUGE issue for my parents, who can't seem to even fathom a son not having children).
I ignore my mom all the time, and she knows this. This makes her even more angry. We talk probably once every few months, and this crap is always what happens. She absolutely unloads all of her unrealistic, overbearing worries on me and I don't want to hear it. She basically treats me like I'm in middle school, with no personal drive or no inkling of a direction in life or what to do. It's absolutely ridiculous. What am I to do when she doesn't respond to me saying "I know, I know, I know" or "what you're saying is obvious" or "I know all this already" or "just let me live my own life, ok?"
I know this is only going to continue despite long lengths of time of no communication and after I get a job. The longer we go without communication, the more she goes off when we actually DO meet. Avoiding talking with her only makes her more angry and she builds up all this crap. After I find a job she'll probably start asking me why I'm not getting a promotion yet, why I'm not a CEO yet, why I'm not the owner of my own business yet, why I don't have a spouse yet, why I don't have children yet, etc.
And she constantly uses the "I paid for your upbringing and pay for your college" argument against me. Ok, a valid argument, but the rest of my family including myself feel that this is a really, really shitty thing to do to your own child. It's an absolute below the belt blow. The fact that you paid for your own child's upbringing doesn't give you the right to treat him/her like shit and to constantly hang this over his/her head for the rest of their life (unless the child goes absolutely bonkers like starts dealing coke or beating his own parents). And after I get out of college, the argument will simply evolve into "I PAID (instead of PAY) for your college and upbringing."
I've tried sitting down with her to talk over these things but frankly it is absolutely horrifying when I realize just how fundamentally detached from reality she is. Just last night I tried and I said that I didn't appreciate her telling me how much better all my cousins are than me. Since she sometimes doesn't understand English well, she got confused.
Mom: What? Do you want me to tell you how much better all your cousins are than you or do you want me to NOT tell you how much better all your cousins are than you?
FFB: What do you think?
Mom: I don't know. You tell me.
FFB: Are you serious? Mom, this is a very simple, basic question. What do you think I want? This is obvious!
Mom: *puts arms up in frustrated confusion* I don't know!
FBB, stares in complete disbelief at her utterly basic inability to process data like a normal person:
What am I supposed to do when even simple human empathy is impossible for her? I can calmly sit down and lay this out for her step by step (which I've done numerous times), but eventually it's like talking to a mentally handicapped person who doesn't even grasp the most basic functions of cause and effect.
I am glad that the rest of her family support me though. Last night her side of the family had an emergency phone conference with me, and I was absolutely blown away by the support they gave me. "I respect your hobby." "I respect all the choices you've made so far." "We don't care how you choose to live your life as long as you're a good person."
My major is Supply Chain Management (business field). I do NOT want photography to be a job because it's my hobby and I don't want to ruin it. However, being something like a travel photographer would be close to being a dream job, but highly unlikely. IMO the best thing for me to do is to make a lot of money while I'm young and be able to retire early, while I'm young enough to still be able to do things like travel, backpack, whatever. I also don't want to have kids for this very reason (which is a HUGE issue for my parents, who can't seem to even fathom a son not having children).
I ignore my mom all the time, and she knows this. This makes her even more angry. We talk probably once every few months, and this crap is always what happens. She absolutely unloads all of her unrealistic, overbearing worries on me and I don't want to hear it. She basically treats me like I'm in middle school, with no personal drive or no inkling of a direction in life or what to do. It's absolutely ridiculous. What am I to do when she doesn't respond to me saying "I know, I know, I know" or "what you're saying is obvious" or "I know all this already" or "just let me live my own life, ok?"
I know this is only going to continue despite long lengths of time of no communication and after I get a job. The longer we go without communication, the more she goes off when we actually DO meet. Avoiding talking with her only makes her more angry and she builds up all this crap. After I find a job she'll probably start asking me why I'm not getting a promotion yet, why I'm not a CEO yet, why I'm not the owner of my own business yet, why I don't have a spouse yet, why I don't have children yet, etc.
And she constantly uses the "I paid for your upbringing and pay for your college" argument against me. Ok, a valid argument, but the rest of my family including myself feel that this is a really, really shitty thing to do to your own child. It's an absolute below the belt blow. The fact that you paid for your own child's upbringing doesn't give you the right to treat him/her like shit and to constantly hang this over his/her head for the rest of their life (unless the child goes absolutely bonkers like starts dealing coke or beating his own parents). And after I get out of college, the argument will simply evolve into "I PAID (instead of PAY) for your college and upbringing."
I've tried sitting down with her to talk over these things but frankly it is absolutely horrifying when I realize just how fundamentally detached from reality she is. Just last night I tried and I said that I didn't appreciate her telling me how much better all my cousins are than me. Since she sometimes doesn't understand English well, she got confused.
Mom: What? Do you want me to tell you how much better all your cousins are than you or do you want me to NOT tell you how much better all your cousins are than you?
FFB: What do you think?
Mom: I don't know. You tell me.
FFB: Are you serious? Mom, this is a very simple, basic question. What do you think I want? This is obvious!
Mom: *puts arms up in frustrated confusion* I don't know!
FBB, stares in complete disbelief at her utterly basic inability to process data like a normal person:
What am I supposed to do when even simple human empathy is impossible for her? I can calmly sit down and lay this out for her step by step (which I've done numerous times), but eventually it's like talking to a mentally handicapped person who doesn't even grasp the most basic functions of cause and effect.
I am glad that the rest of her family support me though. Last night her side of the family had an emergency phone conference with me, and I was absolutely blown away by the support they gave me. "I respect your hobby." "I respect all the choices you've made so far." "We don't care how you choose to live your life as long as you're a good person."
- Jan 2, 2006
- 10,455
- 35
- 91
This is a problem though. I want to keep in contact with my dad, but not my mom. Since they are not divorced and still live together... I don't want to hurt any innocents. My uncle was actually talking to me about this last night: "If your parents are going to divorce, make sure it's because they can't stand each other and not because it's over YOU." They should divorce for their own reasons. If they were to divorce over me it'd be my dad divorcing my mom in order to protect me, to the detriment of himself.
irishScott
Lifer
- Oct 10, 2006
- 21,562
- 3
- 0
Yeah, my mom's the same way, only about different things. I got severely depressed over family issues last semester, and now I'm stuck home on medical leave. So 24/7 she does nothing but complain about how all of her friends have more than her in terms of housing (our house isn't bad, just inferior), furniture, space, yada yada. Granted, it's her right to vent, but she only seems to do it when I can hear it. WTF does she expect me to do about it? I can't remodel the house, and I can only be a shoulder for her to cry on for so long. It's fine for a few days but the net effect is like listening to a baby cry. When I confront her with this, she starts railing on my inadequacies (ie: WTF can't you act NORMAL?!!!) Ummm... because I'm still recovering from depression? Depressed people don't tend to act normal. That and I've made considerable progress in the "getting out and doing stuff" category, and I'm becoming less and less of a house hermit. WTF.
That, and I don't ask for anything from her. I don't expect her to do my laundry, provide food, anything (The only reason I'm even home is because I have nowhere else to go). I don't pay rent, but I certainly don't ask for anything extra. She does it anyway, and then blames me for not doing it. If she wants me to do it, then WTF is she still doing it? The only thing I ask for is free reign over my own fucking room, and I have to fight for that. She still moves my shit around when I'm out of the house. Argh.
My mom also has cancer, is on heavy narcotics for pain, has extreme diarrhea and continually pulls the "I'm 54 and I don't have to explain myself to any 20 year old" argument when I even remotely question her methods on anything. (From ironing to diet to exercising, to infinity). If I so much as make a friendly suggestion, she immediately takes offense. WTF.
Add the fact that my dad has added low-level physical abuse to his already blatant verbal abuse (this has been going on for years). Half the time my mom provoked him (that's still no excuse for his behavior), but the other half has been blatantly uncalled for. Once, he wanted her to wake up and fix his lunch for work or some shit. So what does he do? He shakes her foot to wake her up. Now, he damn well knows that she has a multitude of painful stress-fractures in that foot from a fall she took 3 days ago. So she wakes up in extreme pain and he knows it. He never apologized to my knowledge. Fortunately I slept through it, but if I'd been awake he'd have gotten an ear-full of words and an eye-full of something else. He's also pushed, grabbed, and otherwise been mildly violent. And this is on the increase.
My sister (22) notices the same things I do.
Once I shake this psychological shit and get back to school (this spring most likely), I'm not coming back for anything but breaks and holidays. And by breaks, I mean the shorter breaks. I'll do Winter Sessions and Summer school to cover the long periods.
Cliffs: My family's fucked up too. I feel for ya man. Just be glad you only see her a few times a year. Get back to school and relax a bit. And don't get depressed over it like I did. According to my psychologist, my primary problem is "enmeshment issues". I was too involved in their shit, and they were too involved in mine. Stay out of it, live your life. The other option's a hell of a lot worse.
That, and I don't ask for anything from her. I don't expect her to do my laundry, provide food, anything (The only reason I'm even home is because I have nowhere else to go). I don't pay rent, but I certainly don't ask for anything extra. She does it anyway, and then blames me for not doing it. If she wants me to do it, then WTF is she still doing it? The only thing I ask for is free reign over my own fucking room, and I have to fight for that. She still moves my shit around when I'm out of the house. Argh.
My mom also has cancer, is on heavy narcotics for pain, has extreme diarrhea and continually pulls the "I'm 54 and I don't have to explain myself to any 20 year old" argument when I even remotely question her methods on anything. (From ironing to diet to exercising, to infinity). If I so much as make a friendly suggestion, she immediately takes offense. WTF.
Add the fact that my dad has added low-level physical abuse to his already blatant verbal abuse (this has been going on for years). Half the time my mom provoked him (that's still no excuse for his behavior), but the other half has been blatantly uncalled for. Once, he wanted her to wake up and fix his lunch for work or some shit. So what does he do? He shakes her foot to wake her up. Now, he damn well knows that she has a multitude of painful stress-fractures in that foot from a fall she took 3 days ago. So she wakes up in extreme pain and he knows it. He never apologized to my knowledge. Fortunately I slept through it, but if I'd been awake he'd have gotten an ear-full of words and an eye-full of something else. He's also pushed, grabbed, and otherwise been mildly violent. And this is on the increase.
My sister (22) notices the same things I do.
Once I shake this psychological shit and get back to school (this spring most likely), I'm not coming back for anything but breaks and holidays. And by breaks, I mean the shorter breaks. I'll do Winter Sessions and Summer school to cover the long periods.
Cliffs: My family's fucked up too. I feel for ya man. Just be glad you only see her a few times a year. Get back to school and relax a bit. And don't get depressed over it like I did. According to my psychologist, my primary problem is "enmeshment issues". I was too involved in their shit, and they were too involved in mine. Stay out of it, live your life. The other option's a hell of a lot worse.
My mother's side of the family consists of her father, her brother, and herself, and their respective families - pretty small, and we all get along pretty well. Went to my cousin's house for Thanksgiving, and had a pretty good time.
The other side of my family....isn't in such good shape Stupid family feud that's been going on for years now. My brother and I get along OK with everybody, but my dad refuses to talk to any of his siblings, except his one brother. Drives my mom nuts, but both sides refuse to give an inch. I just hope *something* happens before Grandma (father's mom) passes away.
Nathan
The other side of my family....isn't in such good shape
Stupid family feud that's been going on for years now. My brother and I get along OK with everybody, but my dad refuses to talk to any of his siblings, except his one brother. Drives my mom nuts, but both sides refuse to give an inch. I just hope *something* happens before Grandma (father's mom) passes away.Nathan
BurnItDwn
Lifer
- Oct 10, 1999
- 26,366
- 1,879
- 126
fuzzybabybunny, The closest I can relate to that would be with my Grandmother. I am not asian, nor am I an only child, but I'm the oldest of all the grandchildren, and I'm also a college drop out and an atheist .... Every time I see her I usually get lectures and nags for at least 1 or 2 hours, she has mellowed out quite a bit over the last 5 years or so, but still she will compare me to all of my relatives who have completed bachelors and masters degrees. She used to critisize me for waking up late, this was back when I worked overnights at an IT help desk. She always wants me to shave my beard and get a hair cut. I have a good job, I am not looking for a new one, I have never broken the dress code. It seems like no matter what, she's always got a long list of stuff to nag about. But like I said ... she's gotten better about it. I think she figured out that I don't need more lectures because I always did the opposite of what she nagged about and made out OK.
vi_edit, So you need a water softener .... Do you want a 20ish year old one for free? I have it sitting in the basement in my new house (Wauconda, IL, about 40 miles NW of chicago) The house used to be on a well some time ago, but it's on Chicago water now .... Probably not worth your drive I'd imagine ..... That said ... I haven't exactly moved in yet ... but I'll be starting with that this friday ... woooo ... I can't fvcking wait to be out of my shithole townhouse!
vi_edit, So you need a water softener .... Do you want a 20ish year old one for free? I have it sitting in the basement in my new house (Wauconda, IL, about 40 miles NW of chicago) The house used to be on a well some time ago, but it's on Chicago water now .... Probably not worth your drive I'd imagine ..... That said ... I haven't exactly moved in yet ... but I'll be starting with that this friday ... woooo ... I can't fvcking wait to be out of my shithole townhouse!
School was always my vacation to.... Anything to get away from the constant fighting and bickering. Heres to family you just cannot seem to get away from.
- J
- J
Ok, this is bad on you. She asked you straight up and you didn't tell her.
You may think this is obvious but if she does it all the time then it isn't obvious to her.
AgaBoogaBoo
Lifer
- Feb 16, 2003
- 26,108
- 5
- 81
OP: I've thought about your post and my only response is that you have to believe in yourself and find a way to make things work. Most don't figure out what they're good at till they've spent 20-30 years in business.
You need to sit down with your parents and in simple terms, tell them to cut the crap they give you and let you find your own damn path. You need to be somewhat firm, but not an asshole, they are your parents after all, but need to portray that you will find your own path and things will work out. They should be supporting you in whatever you do as long as it isn't illegal/wrong/etc.
You need to tell them that while they are saying these things for your own good, the fact is that it hurts you more than it makes you want to be better. If they think they're helping you, you need to let them know that it's quite the opposite. If they really want to see you prosper, they should support you and give you tips on what to do. If they hear about a convention and tell you that it's going on, thank them, and go to it. Tell them that you want their help with things like that, not constant criticism comparing you to others.
It's a shit feeling to be compared to others. I have no other way to say it other than that if you compare yourself to others, there is no end. It's a good thing to do to learn from others, but if you try to place everyone in ranks and compete for that top position, there will be no light at the end of the tunnel.
You need to sit down with your parents and in simple terms, tell them to cut the crap they give you and let you find your own damn path. You need to be somewhat firm, but not an asshole, they are your parents after all, but need to portray that you will find your own path and things will work out. They should be supporting you in whatever you do as long as it isn't illegal/wrong/etc.
You need to tell them that while they are saying these things for your own good, the fact is that it hurts you more than it makes you want to be better. If they think they're helping you, you need to let them know that it's quite the opposite. If they really want to see you prosper, they should support you and give you tips on what to do. If they hear about a convention and tell you that it's going on, thank them, and go to it. Tell them that you want their help with things like that, not constant criticism comparing you to others.
It's a shit feeling to be compared to others. I have no other way to say it other than that if you compare yourself to others, there is no end. It's a good thing to do to learn from others, but if you try to place everyone in ranks and compete for that top position, there will be no light at the end of the tunnel.
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