Antisocial guilt

[Fritzo]

Every year the subdivision I live in holds a neighborhood party. They get inflatables, have cornhole tournaments, rent porta-potties, have a potluck, music, games for the kids...they go all out. In theory it should be a good time.

We have grown kids, and we live in the first street in the subdivision. There was some delay in the development due to the recession in 2008, so most of the houses on the other streets were built a decade after ours, and everyone moved in at the same time. What happened as a result is people on the 1st street have turned into sort of "outcasts"....we have larger yards than everyone else, so we're more separated, and we don't really have any contact with people on the other streets.

So, they hold this big party every year and ask everyone to donate. We've gone to this party a couple of times in the past, and...everyone tended to ignore us. I brought food (like...GOOD food. BBQ brisket, cowboy beans, mac and cheese..etc), people in the food line would ask "Who brought this?" I would say "That would me me..." expecting that to turn into a conversation, but they would just tend to go "Oh..." and walk away.

I'm not sure if my wife and I are unlikeable for some reason, if there's just a tight clique on the other streets, if they think we're party crashers, or what's going on, but we decided not to go to these parties anymore as it feels humiliating. Now they're on the Facebook groups pointing out that some people didn't donate yet and making me feel guilty.

Subdivision life sucks. Avoid at all costs.

 

[highland145]

Found your problem...fakebook.

 

[purbeast0]

Just go and bring some of your own friends and have a good time with them.

 

[Captante]

THIS year bring a keg!

If that doesn't make you popular nothing will!

 

[Fritzo]

Just go and bring some of your own friends and have a good time with them.

I'm not sure I actually have any friends 🤣.

Honestly, other than work friends, I don't really don't have people that I could call and say "come on over..."

 

[purbeast0]

I'm not sure I actually have any friends 🤣.

Honestly, other than work friends, I don't really don't have people that I could call and say "come on over..."

Then yeah, maybe you are onto something with you and your wife not being likable lol.

 

[nakedfrog]

Bring a guitar and a PA next time

 

[Scarpozzi]

They aren't the problem in this case, you're expectations are..........no offense....

Go into those situations with a self-serving attitude to start with. Don't expect any gratitude or anything in return. Taking legit food to people when you're not charging them money is just like giving an expensive gift to a 3 year old. They're going to like it because it's free, the fact that it's edible may keep them from complaining. They probably won't acknowledge the cost/time/work involved adequately. My best friends have the same attitude towards things as you do. I totally get what you're saying, but you have to let it go.

What I mean by having a self-serving attitude is, you should go there to talk and meet people if that's what you want. If people ignore you and walk away, move on, grab some alcohol and do your own thing with the understanding that you're there for the food and to "people watch". Sometimes, the best thing to do is setup camp somewhere and others that may be looking for someone to talk to will approach you or sit nearby to open the door to conversation. There's an art to sitting on the edge and working your way into the crowd.

If you're not happy at the events, skip them and do something different.

 

[Torn Mind]

Sounds like old guy Fritzo gets mistaken for being a boomer amongst younger millennials that moved in later

 

[Scarpozzi]

Sounds like old guy Fritzo gets mistaken for being a boomer amongst younger millennials that moved in later

Being the old guy doesn't matter in social situations if you carry yourself right. You just have to set an example.

If that doesn't work, you make an example of someone and attack the largest male in the pack to show your dominance.

 

[[DHT]Osiris]

Who the fuck talks to their neighbors? Some kind of emotional terrorists?

 

[Fritzo]

Who the fuck talks to their neighbors? Some kind of emotional terrorists?

I made the mistake of doing a salute to my neighbor while taking out the garbage once. So...I'm a salute guy now. It's exhausting.

 

[highland145]

I made the mistake of doing a salute to my neighbor while taking out the garbage once. So...I'm a salute guy now. It's exhausting.

Messed up using more than 1 finger?

 

[Fritzo]

They aren't the problem in this case, you're expectations are..........no offense....

Go into those situations with a self-serving attitude to start with. Don't expect any gratitude or anything in return. Taking legit food to people when you're not charging them money is just like giving an expensive gift to a 3 year old. They're going to like it because it's free, the fact that it's edible may keep them from complaining. They probably won't acknowledge the cost/time/work involved adequately. My best friends have the same attitude towards things as you do. I totally get what you're saying, but you have to let it go.

What I mean by having a self-serving attitude is, you should go there to talk and meet people if that's what you want. If people ignore you and walk away, move on, grab some alcohol and do your own thing with the understanding that you're there for the food and to "people watch". Sometimes, the best thing to do is setup camp somewhere and others that may be looking for someone to talk to will approach you or sit nearby to open the door to conversation. There's an art to sitting on the edge and working your way into the crowd.

If you're not happy at the events, skip them and do something different.

It wasn't that at all. I this was the second attempt at the party to try to get someone to talk to or get to know people. The crowd was genuinely not interested in speaking to anyone they didn't know. The neighbors on my street were the same way...I think our next door neighbors ended up leaving 15 minutes before we did.

 

[Scarpozzi]

Maybe, like you said....your distance from the heart of the neighborhood is the problem. Have you considered duplex living?

 

[highland145]

It wasn't that at all. I this was the second attempt at the party to try to get someone to talk to or get to know people. The crowd was genuinely not interested in speaking to anyone they didn't know. The neighbors on my street were the same way...I think our next door neighbors ended up leaving 15 minutes before we did.

Ask your close friends for your own dinner.

Wait, you said you don't have any. ATOT has your back.

 

[Muse]

Every year the subdivision I live in holds a neighborhood party. They get inflatables, have cornhole tournaments, rent porta-potties, have a potluck, music, games for the kids...they go all out. In theory it should be a good time.

We have grown kids, and we live in the first street in the subdivision. There was some delay in the development due to the recession in 2008, so most of the houses on the other streets were built a decade after ours, and everyone moved in at the same time. What happened as a result is people on the 1st street have turned into sort of "outcasts"....we have larger yards than everyone else, so we're more separated, and we don't really have any contact with people on the other streets.

So, they hold this big party every year and ask everyone to donate. We've gone to this party a couple of times in the past, and...everyone tended to ignore us. I brought food (like...GOOD food. BBQ brisket, cowboy beans, mac and cheese..etc), people in the food line would ask "Who brought this?" I would say "That would me me..." expecting that to turn into a conversation, but they would just tend to go "Oh..." and walk away.

I'm not sure if my wife and I are unlikeable for some reason, if there's just a tight clique on the other streets, if they think we're party crashers, or what's going on, but we decided not to go to these parties anymore as it feels humiliating. Now they're on the Facebook groups pointing out that some people didn't donate yet and making me feel guilty.

Subdivision life sucks. Avoid at all costs.

I grew up from 10-18 in a house that was on the periphery of the neighborhood, we had the older homes, way older, and some on larger pieces of land, much larger, and ours WAS a double lot, so I get that. But we never had block parties much less an extravaganza like you describe. I never fit in with the social set of kids around there, but did have one friend who was in the newer area, and a couple of friends when I was younger who were on the other side of the street, and those were the newer houses.

We bordered on what had been a golf course, IIRC, a country club and our street was named Club Drive, for that reason. But the country club property was developed, that's why we had older homes while the former country club had newer homes. It was an OK neighborhood, strictly residential, but I never felt part of the scene there. One guy at my high school who lived in that developed area with newish homes invited me to his party, and I was grateful. That was it, though.

I say if you don't like those gatherings, don't go and don't feel guilty about it. I don't blame you for a second, sounds like those people are pretty creepy. They aren't nice to you, why should you go?

 

[Scarpozzi]

Maybe you should go around the party and introduce yourself as, "Hello, I'm the antisocial neighbor that lives on the first street and likes to party." That's not nearly as effective as PAB's icebreaker, but it would accomplish a lot to help you determine who either opens up or brushes you off.

Just pay attention to body language and those that brush you off can be written off.....those that introduce themselves back or offer some small talk can be approached later in the part.

 

[Fanatical Meat]

Dude I haven’t read the entire thread, it sounds to me that you need to make friends.
How about you and your wife walk around the neighborhood twice a week an talk to people as you walk. Go for simple quick chats like:
hey that rose bush is looking good, what do you do to it?
Is that a new car
How did the roof replacement go
What a cute dog
I like that beer you have good choice

Just go out and talk to/with people. At first you will mostly do the talking to part, you will need to initiate the talk so it will seem like talking to. After time they’ll start talking.
Pretty simple process you just need to get yourself into a handful of uncomfortable spots.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

Let me pivot the conversation - why would anyone really want to go to any "pitch-in" style event? I avoid those things at all costs and always have - you never know the disgusting conditions some people live in.

Seriously though, I never go to any of the neighborhood events - I really don't know my neighbors and don't see the point of going. I wouldn't let them shame you either - if they point to you specifically, just respond with "we're not attending" and be done with it. You don't owe them even that much of an explanation, but it might shut them up.

 

[Fanatical Meat]

Let me pivot the conversation - why would anyone really want to go to any "pitch-in" style event? I avoid those things at all costs and always have - you never know the disgusting conditions some people live in.

Seriously though, I never go to any of the neighborhood events - I really don't know my neighbors and don't see the point of going. I wouldn't let them shame you either - if they point to you specifically, just respond with "we're not attending" and be done with it. You don't owe them even that much of an explanation, but it might shut them up.

Sounds strange to me but whatever
That’s why we are all different

 

[Fritzo]

Dude I haven’t read the entire thread, it sounds to me that you need to make friends.
How about you and your wife walk around the neighborhood twice a week an talk to people as you walk. Go for simple quick chats like:
hey that rose bush is looking good, what do you do to it?
Is that a new car
How did the roof replacement go
What a cute dog
I like that beer you have good choice

Just go out and talk to/with people. At first you will mostly do the talking to part, you will need to initiate the talk so it will seem like talking to. After time they’ll start talking.
Pretty simple process you just need to get yourself into a handful of uncomfortable spots.

I'm just not good with friends.

Every time I make a friend it ends up being more work for me because they're always needing something. My wife's husbands are pseudo-friends, and every week even they're calling "Can you fix my laptop? Can you fix my car? Can you look at my light switch? Can you fix my hot tub? Can you get my lawnmower going? Can you recommend a TV? Can you get my tablet to stop locking up? Can you install my security cameras?..." I work 9-10 hours a day, come home and have to maintain the yard/house, am working to get my daughter's business off the ground by doing improvements, and try to sneak in hour or two shopping trips with the wife once in a while...I honestly have no idea how people have time for friends. I've had maybe 4 good friends in my entire life- 1 died, 1 moved, and 2 became "I only call when I need something...every other day..." people that I lost contact with.

This might be why I'm asocial---everyone I meet is a leech.

So yeah...if I ask any of those questions above, people will learn I can do things and suddenly I'll be involved. No thanks.

 

[Kaido]

Dang, they rent a Porta-potty? I grew up in the wrong neighborhoods...

 

[Torn Mind]

Dang, they rent a Porta-potty? I grew up in the wrong neighborhoods...

Must be a pretty well-endowed place....

 

[Red Squirrel]

I'm personally not a fan of these types of party events myself. I don't mind hanging out with a few friends for coffee or what not but when there's tons of people, especially when I don't even know most of them, not my thing.

I got invited to this camping event by a random person on FB, it's out of town. I don't know a single person there. No thanks.

Heck even when my church has a pot luck, I don't really like going unless I'm with someone. Even though I know most of the people there I just feel awkward if I'm not with someone else to sit with. There are so many times I've been invited by my mom or sister to go with them only to find out they are working the kitchen that night and I'm alone at my section of the table... I always make sure to ask now because been caught like that too many times.