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Annoying family situation

S

swbsam

Platinum Member
I'll try to be brief and will skip to the cliffs:
1. I'm indian (but raised pretty "american"), my wife is white (raised in middle america)
2. I live in NYC and my parents do as well, her parents live in the midwest
3. Her dad, a nice guy, choir group is having a performance in NYC. He invited us and my parents to attend
4. He bought tickets for us, but not my parents
5. He sends my parents a link to buy tickets
6. My parents, being indian (our inlaws are our families, there's no distinction) , thought "I thought he invited us, we assumed he'd buy us tickets"
7. Now there are only tickets that are $200 left, so they're a bit miffed that he didn't reserve them tickets, let alone buy them...

Edit: To clarify, my mom asked us recently if the tickets were taken care of just to confirm plans, which my wife forwarded onto her dad. His response to that was a link to buy tickets.
I'm kinda in the dark on this - they feel "othered" - as if they're not part of the "family." My father in law is well off while my parents are retired, so if he just bought them tickets for $35 it would have been so much easier.. Now they're hurt and annoyed..

I'm wondering if this is just a cultural thing - do "white americans" just comp their immediate family and expect the inlaws to pay their way?

Edit, sorry for the seemingly racist "white americans" statement. i love white people! i'm just earnestly trying to understand cultural differences, because I know I'm going to get a talking to from my dad about this. If I go into it with insight about the culture I can avoid my parents feeling hurt and othered, know what I mean?
 
your in law's invited your parents.. and they should immediately order and pay for tickets for your parents.
 
Originally posted by: swbsam
I'm wondering if this is just a cultural thing - do "white americans" just comp their immediate family and expect the inlaws to pay their way?
Click to expand...

No, this is not an across the board true statement. Depends on the situation/relationships.

My feeling on your situation is that he was not obligated to buy them tickets and they are not obligated to come. Now, if he could have reserved tickets, that would have been a good idea.

What if he didn't want to buy them tickets becuase them your parents would be obligated to come. See what I'm saying?
 
if i invited a group of people to anything, i would either purchase all of the tickets or none of the tickets. i'd never only pay for some of the tickets.
 
I don't know what India's family ties are like, but American's generally don't go that deep, especially in the past several decades. Beyond immediate family, it's a crap shoot on what to expect.
 
Why would your parents think your father-in-law bought them tickets when he sent them a link so they could buy their own?

I don't think this has anything to do with race, I think it has to do with people not talking to each other and making assumptions.
 
Originally posted by: calvinbiss
Originally posted by: swbsam
I'm wondering if this is just a cultural thing - do "white americans" just comp their immediate family and expect the inlaws to pay their way?
Click to expand...

No, this is not an across the board true statement. Depends on the situation/relationships.

My feeling on your situation is that he was not obligated to buy them tickets and they are not obligated to come. Now, if he could have reserved tickets, that would have been a good idea.

What if he didn't want to buy them tickets becuase them your parents would be obligated to come. See what I'm saying?
Click to expand...

I see your point and I won't argue, but I believe my parents said they would, of course, attend and have a dinner planned for the visit. They made it pretty clear that they were accepting the invitation and were quite excited for him.

So I don't think his intention was to obligate them by way of purchasing.
 
Call me a cheapskate, but to me its simply "the thought that counts". Sorry if its going to cause a rift but the inlaws can go jump in the lake if they think Im coughing up 400 smackers when they are perfectly capable of buying their own tickets. Please. Im not Bill Gates, Im just Joe Blow who thought it would be nice to at least let you know. In the future Ill remember not to do that. 🙁
 
I wouldn't say that's even cultural, that's just common courtesy! Or rather, it's a lack thereof.
 
Originally posted by: swbsam
I'll try to be brief and will skip to the cliffs:
1. I'm indian (but raised pretty "american"), my wife is white (raised in middle america)
2. I live in NYC and my parents do as well, her parents live in the midwest
3. Her dad, a nice guy, choir group is having a performance in NYC. He invited us and my parents to attend
4. He bought tickets for us, but not my parents
5. He sends my parents a link to buy tickets
6. My parents, being indian (our inlaws are our families, there's no distinction) , thought "I thought he invited us, we assumed he'd buy us tickets"
7. Now there are only tickets that are $200 left, so they're a bit miffed that he didn't reserve them tickets, let alone buy them...

I'm kinda in the dark on this - they feel "othered" - as if they're not part of the "family." My father in law is well off while my parents are retired, so if he just bought them tickets for $35 it would have been so much easier.. Now they're hurt and annoyed..

I'm wondering if this is just a cultural thing - do "white americans" just comp their immediate family and expect the inlaws to pay their way?
Click to expand...

Yes, all white Americans are this way, there are no exceptions or individual circumstances whatsoever in any case in the history of the USA.
 
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
your in law's invited your parents.. and they should immediately order and pay for tickets for your parents.
Click to expand...

i agree.

and i don't agree with the OP's assertion that this is a ""white americans" way of doing things.
 
Originally posted by: alkemyst
you seem to be having problems left and right about financial issues.
Click to expand...

hah - not at all. We're buying a house so a lot of my posts recently are about that, but it's not a combination of issues.. In fact, our financial situation seems really peachy as of late, and I feel blessed and quite fortunate while other people are having a rough time in this economy. So, no, I'm not having any financial issues.

And I can afford to buy my parents $200 tickets to see his performance, it's not a financial issue. A part of me feels as snubbed as they do, so I may just not attend. My wife is with me on this as well, but I'm trying to be calm and mature about it all...

 
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
your in law's invited your parents.. and they should immediately order and pay for tickets for your parents.
Click to expand...

If you invite people to go to a Lakers game to watch them win the championship, do you purchase the tickets yourself? I think not.

But the fact that he bought your tickets and not your parent's says something. I deduce a douche is in the booth.
 
Originally posted by: FelixDeKat
Call me a cheapskate, but to me its simply "the thought that counts". Sorry if its going to cause a rift but the inlaws can go jump in the lake if they think Im coughing up $400 smakers when they are perfectly capable of buying there own tickets.
Click to expand...

He said the only tickets left currently are the $200 ones. They were $35 when the rest of the group ordered them.
 
Originally posted by: lokiju
Originally posted by: swbsam
I'll try to be brief and will skip to the cliffs:
1. I'm indian (but raised pretty "american"), my wife is white (raised in middle america)
2. I live in NYC and my parents do as well, her parents live in the midwest
3. Her dad, a nice guy, choir group is having a performance in NYC. He invited us and my parents to attend
4. He bought tickets for us, but not my parents
5. He sends my parents a link to buy tickets
6. My parents, being indian (our inlaws are our families, there's no distinction) , thought "I thought he invited us, we assumed he'd buy us tickets"
7. Now there are only tickets that are $200 left, so they're a bit miffed that he didn't reserve them tickets, let alone buy them...

I'm kinda in the dark on this - they feel "othered" - as if they're not part of the "family." My father in law is well off while my parents are retired, so if he just bought them tickets for $35 it would have been so much easier.. Now they're hurt and annoyed..

I'm wondering if this is just a cultural thing - do "white americans" just comp their immediate family and expect the inlaws to pay their way?
Click to expand...

Yes, all white Americans are this way, there are no exceptions or individual circumstances whatsoever in any case in the history of the USA.
Click to expand...

Of course I didn't mean to imply that all white people think and act the same way. But cultures are different - for example, I always remove my shoes when entering my apartment while other people don't. I never force my will onto them and make them walk around in ratty socks, but I like to understand differences instead of ignoring them
 
Originally posted by: lxskllr
I don't know what India's family ties are like, but American's generally don't go that deep, especially in the past several decades. Beyond immediate family, it's a crap shoot on what to expect.
Click to expand...

This...
 
Originally posted by: geno
Originally posted by: FelixDeKat
Call me a cheapskate, but to me its simply "the thought that counts". Sorry if its going to cause a rift but the inlaws can go jump in the lake if they think Im coughing up $400 smakers when they are perfectly capable of buying there own tickets.
Click to expand...

He said the only tickets left currently are the $200 ones. They were $35 when the rest of the group ordered them.
Click to expand...

According to the OP's ordering of events the father sent them a link to buy tickets prior to them claiming they didn't understand he didn't buy them which was also before they learned some time later the only tickets left were $200.00.
 
Originally posted by: iFX
Why would your parents think your father-in-law bought them tickets when he sent them a link so they could buy their own?

I don't think this has anything to do with race, I think it has to do with people not talking to each other and making assumptions.
Click to expand...

The invitation was months ago, when he found out about the big performance in NYC.

Throughout this time my parents assumed that their tickets were taken care of, I even did - heck, I'm putting them up and saving them hundreds on a hotel stay, the least they could do is buy my parents some tickets. It didn't even occur to me that he wouldn't automatically purchase 2 extra tickets.

My mom followed up with my wife last week since the performance is this weekend, just making sure that everything was taken care of. My wife asked her dad and he emailed her now, a week before the performance (hence the expensive tickets).

 
Originally posted by: FelixDeKat
Call me a cheapskate, but to me its simply "the thought that counts". Sorry if its going to cause a rift but the inlaws can go jump in the lake if they think Im coughing up 400 smackers when they are perfectly capable of buying their own tickets. Please. Im not Bill Gates, Im just Joe Blow who thought it would be nice to at least let you know. In the future Ill remember not to do that. 🙁
Click to expand...

Reread the cliffs
 
Originally posted by: Kadarin
Originally posted by: lxskllr
I don't know what India's family ties are like, but American's generally don't go that deep, especially in the past several decades. Beyond immediate family, it's a crap shoot on what to expect.
Click to expand...

This...
Click to expand...

Yes, this. I'm from seriously white middle america myself. I wouldn't expect your wife's inlaws to be part of the immediate family, though they'd certainly be welcome to join in. Has nothing to do with the color/etc of the wife's inlaws.

 
Invitation = the invitee is paying.
And you are Indian? I need new glasses. I always read your name as "surfer bum".
 
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