AMD's 10 year deal with Intel
Secret licence conditions revealed
By Phil Trent, 6 May 2001 10.13 BST
EXCLUSIVE Instead of royalties, AMD has agreed to give Intel the following concessions:
1) Jerry promises to suffer relapse in his foot-in-mouth disease to scare off investors.
2) AMD will co-opt Intel's P4 strategy by allowing Hammer to be rushed, crippled, and then claim that it is way too advanced for today's "outdated software". It is rumored to have Starburst (fruitchew) architecture.
3) AMD promises to make some changes in management. Namely, their head engineers' hands will be tied while they are at work and they will be gagged during management meetings. Intel claims that this method has been the reason for their resounding progress during Craig Barrett's stint in the last few years.
4) Either AMD needs to tell Nvidia they are not interested in Crush, or they need to rename it MUSH and bundle it with a packet of instant oatmeal.
5) AMD must supervise the construction of a benchmark that specifically favors the Athlon CPU. Intel claims that Sysmark 2001 was developed in one of its own buildings and it convinced most of the hardware review sites to somehow use it.
6) Instead of trying to use Isonics heat spreading Si-28 technology, they must begin experimenting with peanut butter, which Intel claims is the secret ingredient in the re-called 1.13 Gig Pentium 3. The recall resulted from a squirrel infestation in a clean room. Factoid: Squirrels get drunk faster on peanut butter than by drinking Guinness.
7) They must pay for Craig Barrett to be treated gently in his twilight years, saving Intel's board the embarrassment of having him "pursue other interests." Intel claims that they will begin to become competitive with little AMD when he is gone.
8) AMD must give back the market share they stole from Intel in the last few months. Intel claims it had it first and it is not very nice to take something that isn't yours.
9) AMD must invest billions in money-losing dot coms and divert their efforts to all kinds of money losing efforts. They must claim they are doing this to "diversify" business.
10) AMD must abandon DDR and adopt RDRam exclusively. Also, it needs to issue an apology to Rambus and offer to pay a royalty if the parties can drum up some imaginary infraction. µ
* You will have noticed that Zach Gusky was bylined for this one. He tells me that he can't claim the credit for this one which is why I've just changed the byline to Phil Trent. Are Phil and Zach the same person, we wonder? MM.
The Inquirer
© 2001 Mike Magee
All rights reserved.
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Secret licence conditions revealed
By Phil Trent, 6 May 2001 10.13 BST
EXCLUSIVE Instead of royalties, AMD has agreed to give Intel the following concessions:
1) Jerry promises to suffer relapse in his foot-in-mouth disease to scare off investors.
2) AMD will co-opt Intel's P4 strategy by allowing Hammer to be rushed, crippled, and then claim that it is way too advanced for today's "outdated software". It is rumored to have Starburst (fruitchew) architecture.
3) AMD promises to make some changes in management. Namely, their head engineers' hands will be tied while they are at work and they will be gagged during management meetings. Intel claims that this method has been the reason for their resounding progress during Craig Barrett's stint in the last few years.
4) Either AMD needs to tell Nvidia they are not interested in Crush, or they need to rename it MUSH and bundle it with a packet of instant oatmeal.
5) AMD must supervise the construction of a benchmark that specifically favors the Athlon CPU. Intel claims that Sysmark 2001 was developed in one of its own buildings and it convinced most of the hardware review sites to somehow use it.
6) Instead of trying to use Isonics heat spreading Si-28 technology, they must begin experimenting with peanut butter, which Intel claims is the secret ingredient in the re-called 1.13 Gig Pentium 3. The recall resulted from a squirrel infestation in a clean room. Factoid: Squirrels get drunk faster on peanut butter than by drinking Guinness.
7) They must pay for Craig Barrett to be treated gently in his twilight years, saving Intel's board the embarrassment of having him "pursue other interests." Intel claims that they will begin to become competitive with little AMD when he is gone.
8) AMD must give back the market share they stole from Intel in the last few months. Intel claims it had it first and it is not very nice to take something that isn't yours.
9) AMD must invest billions in money-losing dot coms and divert their efforts to all kinds of money losing efforts. They must claim they are doing this to "diversify" business.
10) AMD must abandon DDR and adopt RDRam exclusively. Also, it needs to issue an apology to Rambus and offer to pay a royalty if the parties can drum up some imaginary infraction. µ
* You will have noticed that Zach Gusky was bylined for this one. He tells me that he can't claim the credit for this one which is why I've just changed the byline to Phil Trent. Are Phil and Zach the same person, we wonder? MM.
The Inquirer
© 2001 Mike Magee
All rights reserved.
Discuss this story on our Message Forum
Back to Front
