Am I wrong? (Stange family situation)

[Chaotic42]

First, let me set the cast of characters...

Name: Big John
Age: 74
Legal Relationship: Father
Bio Relationship: Maternal Grandfather

Name: Joyce
Age: Deceased
Legal Relationship: Mother
Bio Relationship: Maternal Grandmother

Name: Diane
Age: 40-ish
Legal Relationship: -
Bio Relationship: Mother

Name: Tracy
Age: 42
Legal Relationship: Sister
Bio Relationship: Maternal Aunt

Name: Robbin
Age: 39
Legal Relationship: Sister in-law
Bio Relationship: -

Name: Johnny
Age: 40-ish
Legal Relationship:-
Bio Relationship: Father


Ok.

My biological mother, Diane, married my biological father, Johnny around 1980. They were both alcoholics and drug abusers. I was born on May 12, 1982. We lived in Baton Rouge, LA. When I was a few days old, my mother and I moved in with her parents, Big John and Joyce.

Her drug abuse increased, to the point where Big John and Joyce were scared that something might happen to me. I stayed with Big John and Joyce fairly often, mostly when my mother was lucid enough to drop me off. My father was out of the picture.

As '83 and '84 rolled around, Diane started demanding money from Joyce. She said that if Joyce didn't pay, she wouldn't be able to see me. Big John didn't know about that until around '85.

In '86 Big John and Joyce moved, and took me with them. Through a looong procedure, they managed to get custody of me. I was officially adopted by them.

In '89 Joyce and I were in an accident, and she died in '99.

Fast forward to now. I just moved back home to Mississippi, where all of my family lives. Tracy, my sister (biologically my aunt) and Robbin, my sister in-law (biologically my uncle's wife) tell me that Diane wants contact with me and that they've been sending her pictures of me and whatnot.

The ball is now in my court.

*I* say to heck with Diane. She means nothing to me, and might as well not exist. I don't think Tracy and Robbin agree. It will be hard to avoid Diane, as I no longer have Big John actively preventing me from seeing her. His son, John, my brother (bilogically my uncle), seems to agree with me.

Diane still abuses alcohol and drugs, to my knowledge.

My question to you, Anandtech, is am I wrong or right? I'd say I'm against ever having anything to do with her (no wedding invitations, I have no plans to attend her funeral, she'd never meet my children, etc) about 97/3. I try and keep an open mind, but I really just want nothing to do with her.

What do you think?

 

[Squisher]

You don't ask any easy questions, do ya?

IT IS ALL UP TO YOU.

Since she has never given you any consideration, your decision should be based solely on your own personal well being and those of your loved ones.

Add up all the pluses and minuses from having her back in your life.

Do you feel you need any closure in this?

 

[waylman]

you lost me somewhere around the 4th line....

 

[hg321]

"Diane still abuses alcohol and drugs, to my knowledge"

If this knowledge is correct then I would have no contact with her.

 

[Chaotic42]

Originally posted by: Squisher
Do you feel you need any closure in this?

I never had any need for closure at all. It seems weird when I look at other situations.

I mean, really, she could die and my life wouldn't be affected. I wouldn't shed a tear.

 

[Crazymofo]

I think it would affect you very negatively to have any contact with her...

 

[dabuddha]

Man that was hard as hell to read/understand! But I think I got it. Most people would tell you to forgive and forget but you already have a mother (Joyce). As Dr. Laura would say (or maybe say) Diane was just an egg donor. I personally wouldn't contact her at all. Good luck!

 

[JoeKing]

What will you tell your children about her? I say see her, since you are already so emotionally detached from her what would be the harm?

 

[Chaotic42]

Originally posted by: waylman
you lost me somewhere around the 4th line....

Hmm, sorry. Feel free to ask any questions.

I've never asked anyone else what they make of the situation, everyone here can give me an unbiased "reality check". I just want to make sure that I'm not doing the wrong thing without noticing it.

 

[Kadarin]

It's your choice, not hers.

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: hg321
"Diane still abuses alcohol and drugs, to my knowledge"

If this knowledge is correct then I would have no contact with her.

I'll second that.

 

[AvesPKS]

I say, never say never. You may feel that way now, but some time in the future you may wish that you had at least attempted to make contact and cultivate some type of relationship with her. Or not. I would say try to talk to her, but it is ultimately up to you.

 

[dmurray14]

Originally posted by: ergeorge

Originally posted by: hg321
"Diane still abuses alcohol and drugs, to my knowledge"

If this knowledge is correct then I would have no contact with her.

I'll second that.

Third

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

Follow your heart. If you don't want contact, then don't let guilt persuade you. I certainly wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to talk to your Mom ever again.

 

[Nitemare]

She probably wants drug money from you. Tell her to go away and go play hide and go fvck herself

My natural father died when I was 5. He was an addict my entire life and died from it.

 

[Azraele]

Diane still abuses alcohol and drugs, to my knowledge.

This would bother me. A lot. However, you might want to ask yourself years from now "who was my mom?" There is a real person under there, one you might be interested in knowing about at some point in your life. Granted her habits do not endear her to me, nor you by the sound of it, but having lost my mom, I realize today there are things I would liked to have asked her that I did not, nor can I ever.

Really it's all up to you. I would think about it, at the very least. You can always choose not to see her again if you find the experience distasteful, but you can never say that I can see her tomorrow if something were to happen to her today. She's obviously got something to say to you if she's asking to see you now.

 

[MikeO]

Originally posted by: ergeorge

Originally posted by: hg321
"Diane still abuses alcohol and drugs, to my knowledge"

If this knowledge is correct then I would have no contact with her.

I'll second that.

I'll third. It would be another situation if she had turned her life around, got rid of drugs and all that. But if she's still the same substance abuser I say don't make contact with her.

 

[waggy]

Originally posted by: dmurray14

Originally posted by: ergeorge

Originally posted by: hg321
"Diane still abuses alcohol and drugs, to my knowledge"

If this knowledge is correct then I would have no contact with her.

I'll second that.

Third

fourth

 

[Aharami]

Originally posted by: Chaotic42

Originally posted by: Squisher
Do you feel you need any closure in this?

I never had any need for closure at all. It seems weird when I look at other situations.

I mean, really, she could die and my life wouldn't be affected. I wouldn't shed a tear.

pretty clear you dont want anything to do with her. if she wasnt responsible enuff to take care of you back when you were growing up, she wont be responsible enuff now to fill any sort of role in your life....especially if she is still taking drugs/alcohol. you are distant from her, keep it that way. if you meet her, she might end up demanding money from you too, or become a burden on you.
drug abusers have one and only one love...the drug. i think you are doing the right thing.

but thats just my opinion

 

[melly]

I'm glad you had the love and help of your grandparents to raise you. It must have been hard moving back to Mississippi and leaving behind your gramps.

IMHO, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. However...she is your mother. She wants to see you, so I say agree to meet her one day and ask her to stop abusing. Tell her that if she doesn't change her ways, then you are not interested in a relationship with her. At least give her the benefit of the doubt that she might agree to your offer.

 

[vi edit]

Personally, I'd avoid her. I wouldn't want a life long drug abusing parent fscking up my life more than they already had.

A friend of the family grew up in virtually an identical situation - both parents long time drug abusers/pushers. Children were wards of the state until grandparents were given custody. Her father to this day still is nothing but grief and anxiety and her mother is pretty much a lost cause.

They've been doing it for 30 years. No reason for them to change.

I'm just not that forgiving I guess.

 

[OrangeJellyDisk]

I agree that if she still uses drugs etc.. dont go near her, if you do decide to see her test the water first and talk on the phone and see if you get along if it some how turns into a fight it wont affect you as much as it would had it been in person / you wont accidentily see her in the streets and have to hide.

 

[Pliablemoose]

Sometimes life forces us to make hard choices, this is one of them.

Don't see her.

 

[dxkj]

Originally posted by: ergeorge

Originally posted by: hg321
"Diane still abuses alcohol and drugs, to my knowledge"

If this knowledge is correct then I would have no contact with her.

I'll second that.

Fourth that. She doesnt deserve to meet you, and since she is still f!!@# up her life like she was before, screw it.

 

[Nitemare]

Originally posted by: Azraele

Diane still abuses alcohol and drugs, to my knowledge.

This would bother me. A lot. However, you might want to ask yourself years from now "who was my mom?" There is a real person under there, one you might be interested in knowing about at some point in your life. Granted her habits do not endear her to me, nor you by the sound of it, but having lost my mom, I realize today there are things I would liked to have asked her that I did not, nor can I ever.

Really it's all up to you. I would think about it, at the very least. You can always choose not to see her again if you find the experience distasteful, but you can never say that I can see her tomorrow if something were to happen to her today. She's obviously got something to say to you if she's asking to see you now.

His mom spread her legs and incubated him, that is all. She did not raise him and probably did drugs while she was pregnant. She did not deserve to be in your life then nor does she now