1. Never, Ever, EVER Investigate Media PED Allegations. When the media breaks a story about possible PED abuse, do not make matters worse by launching your own investigation, for heaven's sake. Definitely do not try to clean up the mess by punishing some of the biggest names in your sport. Instead, just sweep the dirt under the rug! If a newspaper reports that players on a Super Bowl team took steroids or that NBA players were involved in Biogenesis, just say, "These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along. And hey, when is baseball ever going to clean up its sport?" It also helps to hold up shiny objects.
2. Don't Strain A Muscle Trying To Catch Cheaters. Don't give yourself bigger and blacker eyes by catching everyone you possibly can. Just repeatedly stress that you are aggressively testing, even if you are not. For instance, make a dramatic public announcement that you're going to test for HGH
but then never get around to actually doing it. Or warn the players ahead of time that they'll be tested for PEDs. This way, you'll keep positive tests to a minimum and keep everyone focused solely on what happens on the field. (Just so long as the attention is not on all those darn concussions, which, of course, are completely harmless.)
3. Keep The Punishment Light. Now, if by some remote chance you do catch someone, don't go overboard with the sentencing. Forget about lifetime or multiyear bans. Just suspend first-time offenders for four games and everyone will have forgotten about it when they come back in a month.
4. Don't Let Any Of Your Big Names Be Suspects. So what if a player looks like Hugh Jackman's stunt double in "The Wolverine" and bounces back from an injury many, many months ahead of the norm and then has a superlative season. Make sure the media hypes it as awesome and inspiring, not suspicious.
5. Do Not Revere Statistics and Records. The only time fans really care about players getting suspiciously bigger, faster and stronger is when someone challenges or breaks a hallowed record. So avoid this problem by never hallowing any records! Make historical statistics irrelevant, as they are in football and basketball. (Quick, what's the record for most yards passing in a season? Or the most points scored in a season?) Ignore career or season statistics. Make certain the only statistics anyone cares about are the points in their weekly fantasy leagues. Once those games are over and the scores are totaled, make everyone's sole focus the next game. Remember, this is the age of Twitter. If it happened five seconds ago, it's ancient history. Move on. As Satchel Paige said, Don't look back. Something may be gaining on you. And that something probably is carrying a camera and has some uncomfortable questions to ask.
Of course, none of these rules will actually help clean up your sport in any way. But they will either make people think the sport is clean or keep them from caring that it isn't.
Which, as other sports have shown, is really what matters, isn't it?