Adopton ethics question

[bsobel]

Ok I know this is a weird one for this crowd, but I've yet to come up with a good answer for a question I was asked so I'm looking for second opinions.

The scenario is this. Grown woman with kids knows she was adopted as a child. Tracks down biological mother and father (contact info). Finds out she has 1/2 brothers and 1/2 sisters on both sides (she was the only child from couple while they were together).

Sends a letter to the father, never hears back (apparently he never even knew the mother was pregnant, this is according to the mother)

Sends a letter to the mother, and they talk occasionally, send christmas and birthday cards. Haven't met in person.

Now she wants to meet her brothers and sisters. On her fathers side I think it's a no brainer, she hasn't heard from him so she should try to conact them directly.

The mothers side is weirder. She never told her kids about the older sister (her husband knows, apparently they met while she was pregnant). She asked that her kids not be contacted because she 'was afraid they'd stop loving me'. The adopted daughter has respected those wishes to date, but asked me if morally she had an obligation to uphold that promise to the mother. Bear in mind that these brothers and sisters are also uncles and aunts to her kids.

I tend think the biological mother is scared and being selfish. And I tend to think while it will be weird, she should contact the kids and introduce herself. She has enough proof that the brothers/sisters will believe her if they meet. I think the biological mom is being unethical and morally the daughter is in the clear.

Anyone ever face anything like this? Any advice at all?

 

[imported_goku]

w
t
f

 

[d3n]

Well, in my mind it depends on if they think up until that point that the mom was in a single relationship her whole life. Say if the mom was cheating when she had the 'grown woman' why go bust up a family now right before the holidays.

 

[MrPickins]

Originally posted by: goku
w
t
f

Let the adults talk.

OP:
I'd say no, she isn't morally obligated to respect the mother's wishes for secrecy, but at the same time, I would encourage her to talk with her mother, and try to find a way that the mother will be able to deal with it emotionally. I'm sure this secret has been on her mind for a long time.

 

[Lonyo]

Ages might be useful. (Of siblings mainly)

 

[altonb1]

Ages of the half-siblings? If they are not yet grown, it may not be a good idea to contact them against the mother's wishes. However, if all concerned parties are adults, then she can do whatever she wants to do and not worry about the mother's wishes. Thinking your kids will stop loving you? How absurd.

 

[MagnusTheBrewer]

If she made a promise to the mother then, yes, she is morally obligated to keep it. She should have thought about it before she promised.

 

[Childs]

She should let it go. She was given up for adoption a long time ago, and her mother moved on. In a perfect world, the mother would welcome her into her new family with open arms, but she shouldnt expect it. Personally, I wouldnt of contacted the biological parents at all. In the end it doesnt change anything, as you grew up without them in your lives so why should need them now to feel right. And if the biological mother doesnt want her to know her new family, well, its consistent with someone who put their daughter up for adoption.

The closest thing I can relate to is a biological father who comes around every so often. I'm civil, but I dont put up with revisionist history. He can make all the excuses in the world, but the bottom line was he wasn't there, and nothing he says or does now with change that.

 

[Kwaipie]

I think she should work on the mother to introduce the 1/2sibs. Surprising them by contacting them directly is a lose-lose situation.

 

[bsobel]

Originally posted by: Lonyo
Ages might be useful. (Of siblings mainly)

From memory (I know there close but I might be off a year here or there)

Father (59i) has two kids 24 male and 21 female

Mothers (57) has three kids 37 male, 33 female, and 21 female

The lady in question is just about 40 (so the mom was 18/19 at the time, dad was 20/21) So, all adults.

Also, I saw the comments about 'just leave it alone'. I guess I don't have a good counter argument other than to suggest maybe that should be the siblings choice not the mother for all.

As for the breaking up the family question as I know the story this occured with the mother and her boyfriend before she met the man she married and had the other 3 kids with. He (the husband) knows about the pregnancy (he was there at the birth) and was involved in the decision. So no risk of breaking them up over an affair or anything like that.

 

[bsobel]

Originally posted by: Kwaipie
I think she should work on the mother to introduce the 1/2sibs. Surprising them by contacting them directly is a lose-lose situation.

She's tried, the mother wants to wait until her kids have kids of their own (WTF I don't know)

 

[bsobel]

Originally posted by: goku
w
t
f

As useless as always. To think Dugg's gone because of you, what an unfair trade.

 

[Ronstang]

Your parents are the people who raise you and your brothers and sisters are the ones you grow up with. It is ridiculous to go chasing down biological families that obviously didn't want you 20+ years later because you are selfish. She needs to move on.

 

[mugs]

The woman should do what she wants to do. She needs not feel an obligation to respect the wishes of the woman who gave her up for adoption. The kids are old enough that they should take it reasonably well.

 

[KarenMarie]

She needs to think long and hard about messing up other ppls lives due to her overwhelming need to fit in.

It is selfish at the very least.

 

[bsobel]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
She needs to think long and hard about messing up other ppls lives due to her overwhelming need to fit in.
It is selfish at the very least.

I guess it's persepctive. I got the impression she was more curious about her siblings than had an overwhelming need (the original contact to the parents was brought on by a medical issue where they needed family history).

As for selfish, I guess I dunno, I tended to think the mother was being selfish. Seems there are two clear camps (dont' contact, and screw it/go for it). Still not sure what the moral choice is tho.

 

[Ronstang]

Simply put they are not her brothers and sisters. They are people she does not know and she is basically going to force a relationship just because there is a genetic link that is decades old. She is being selfish, plain and simple. What if these people don't want to know her but feel obligated due to the circumstances? Her biological mother DID NOT WANT here.....the people that adopted her DID and those people and all of their relatives are her family.

 

[Madwand1]

IMO, she should respect the wishes of her biological parents most of all -- they're the ones with whom she has the most direct relationship, not the half-siblings. I'd think it best to continue that relationship with the mother, gradually naturally moving on to the half-siblings should it happen. Also don't underestimate the potential negative feedback from the half-siblings due to a perception of intrusion / going against the mother. A case could be made of the mother that it's in her mind and good conscience, and better for her sake to have it out than forever hidden, over time, but I'd leave it as her choice in the end, and this would be something best addressed gradually with becoming better known and trusted. Betraying that trust at the onset would be a particularly bad way to go about it.

 

[ATLien247]

If her mother wanted her children to know about the daughter she put up for adoption, then she would have told them by now. It's obviously a sore spot for the mother. Maybe she's afraid her children will think less of her if they knew the truth, not only for the mother's poor choices that led to the adoption, but also for keeping such a secret in the first place.

If it were me, I wouldn't want to take the chance at causing any undue drama just because I was curious about how my half-siblings turned out.

 

[KarenMarie]

Originally posted by: bsobel

Originally posted by: KarenMarie
She needs to think long and hard about messing up other ppls lives due to her overwhelming need to fit in.
It is selfish at the very least.

I guess it's persepctive. I got the impression she was more curious about her siblings than had an overwhelming need (the original contact to the parents was brought on by a medical issue where they needed family history).

As for selfish, I guess I dunno, I tended to think the mother was being selfish. Seems there are two clear camps (dont' contact, and screw it/go for it). Still not sure what the moral choice is tho.

I understand your point, but think of it this way.

the mother gave her up for adoption for a reason. she failed to make contact thru the years for a reason. She never told her other children about the adopted kid for a reason. The father did not reply for a reason.

Now your friend wants to push the issue and create all sorts of havoc for what reason? Her curiousity? As for the medical info... she got what she needed, no? There is no need to interview the kids about it, is there?

The mother, who could have just as easily had an abortion... probably easier... instead decided to give life. And she made the choice and sacrifice hoping that the adoptee would be rasied in a good home, with ppl who loved her. And in return for that, they are getting upheaval over it now.

Suppose your friend goes to kids against the mother's wishes. And suppose these kids freak out about it and it ruins the relationship they have with their mother? Is it worth it to your friend to do that?

These are strangers to your friend. they are not friends or family or anything. They might as well be ppl in a sports arena.

On a related note... About 10 years ago, I came to find out that when I was a little baby, my parents had separated for a little over a year. My father was with a woman who gave birth to my half sister. My parents got back together and decided not to tell me or any of my siblings. The other woman married and raised this girl. I only found out about it when an older aunt mentioned something without realizing I was in the other room in my mom's house and on direct questioning, my mom told me. My half sister is alive and well and well brought up thinking that the guy her mom married is her father. I talked to my mom and my father about it and they both asked me to leave it alone.

In 10 years, even thru all my curiousity... I have never felt the need to ruin the life of this person i do not know and have never met.

 

[Ronstang]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie

The mother, who could have just as easily had an abortion... probably easier... instead decided to give life. And she made the choice and sacrifice hoping that the adoptee would be rasied in a good home, with ppl who loved her. And in return for that, they are getting upheaval over it now.

Exactly. This is the entire crux of this issue and why I feel the way I do about it.

 

[Tiamat]

She should meet her mother in person to discuss as a first step.

 

[bsobel]

KarenMarie, thanks, interesting perspective that seems kinda spot on for the situation. I was originally thinking she should go ahead, but the feedback here is making me reconsider my position.

Thanks

 

[mugs]

Originally posted by: KarenMarie

On a related note... About 10 years ago, I came to find out that when I was a little baby, my parents had separated for a little over a year. My father was with a woman who gave birth to my half sister. My parents got back together and decided not to tell me or any of my siblings. The other woman married and raised this girl. I only found out about it when an older aunt mentioned something without realizing I was in the other room in my mom's house and on direct questioning, my mom told me. My half sister is alive and well and well brought up thinking that the guy her mom married is her father. I talked to my mom and my father about it and they both asked me to leave it alone.

In 10 years, even thru all my curiousity... I have never felt the need to ruin the life of this person i do not know and have never met.

I think there's a big difference between telling someone their father is not really their father and telling them that they have a brother or sister that they never knew about.

 

[KarenMarie]

Originally posted by: mugs
I think there's a big difference between telling someone their father is not really their father and telling them that they have a brother or sister that they never knew about.

Perhaps... but it could still destroy the relationship between the mother and the rest of her kids. And even if no one cares about the mother and the sacrifices she made, the kids could still be hurt by it.

The father did not reply for a reason. the mother is reluctant for a reason.