- Jun 4, 2001
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Some Americans may be confused (especially during an election year) about what exactly the two main parties stand for. Nothing, really, but that's another matter. In their effort to "move to the center" to capture the moderate vote, Democrats and Republicans have started to look and sound a lot alike. How does the concerned voter tell them apart, especially when both claim to be middle of the road? Here's a handy checklist:
Republicans always wear expensive suits. They help hide the flab.
Democrats always wear expensive underwear. It's all about priorities.
Republicans never loosen their ties. They believe this might let a dangerous amount of blood get to their brains.
Democrats hate ties. They're uncomfortably similar to nooses.
Republicans get caught with their hands in other people's pants pockets.
Democrats get caught with their hands in other people's pants.
Republicans loathe the news media and vice versa. It has to do with constant comparisons to Nixon.
Democrats love the news media and vice versa. It has to do with constant comparisons to Gandhi.
Republicans say they'll spend your tax dollars wisely. They're lying.
Democrats say they'll spend your tax dollars better than you can. They're not lying, but to them "better" means "faster".
Republicans say they care about America, meaning the NRA, defense contractors, and oil companies.
Democrats say they care about America, meaning feminists, mob-controlled unions, and tort lawyers.
Republicans deplore corporate scandals because they lost a pile in the stock market.
Democrats deplore corporate scandals because they didn't make a dime during the tech stock bubble.
Republicans are famous for taking credit for nothing worthwhile.
Democrats are famous for taking credit for everything.
Republicans are the party noted for screwing up good ideas.
Democrats are the party noted for screwing interns.
Republicans' favorite tactic for covering up mistakes is to make incredibly boring speeches justifying their actions.
Democrats' favorite tactic for covering up mistakes is to dump the evidence in a remote corner of a city park.
Republicans think marijuana is evil.
Democrats think it's evil if you don't share your marijuana.
Republicans think Yanni, Kenny G., and Lawrence Welk rock.
Democrats think that Bob Dylan, Maya Angelou, and Barbra Streisand rock.
Republicans secretly think that Margaret Thatcher is a hottie.
Democrats secretly think that Janet Reno is a hottie.
Republicans received low Cs in Economics.
Democrats think Economics is an evil cult.
Republicans think Fidel Castro is on a par with Hitler.
Democrats think Fidel Castro isn't so bad, except he smokes.
Republicans can't afford to like you unless you're a WASP, went to the right school, and have lots of money.
Democrats can't afford to like you unless you're a poor, opressed, differently-abled, athiest, transgendered person of color and victim of this unjust, uncaring, fascist, white male dominated society.
Republicans believe they deserve a cut of your paycheck.
Democrats believe they deserve all of your paycheck.
Republicans usually don't have much hair.
Democrats get plugs.
Republicans' favorite hobby is golf.
Democrats' favorite hobby is saving the world through sweeping legislation.
Republicans aren't sure what the answers are, or even the questions.
Democrats are positive the answer to every problem is to throw money at it--specifically, YOUR money.
Republicans fire the wrong people.
Democrats won't fire anyone--they need their votes.
Republicans don't like to hire people--they want to keep overhead costs low.
Democrats don't like to hire people at all--they need the votes of the unemployed, too.
Republicans believe Dr. Laura, Mr. Spock, and the FDA are credible scientists.
Democrats believe Dr. Seuss, Deepak Chopra, and Paul Erlich are credible scientists.
Republicans have only one goal--to make a quick buck.
Democrats have only one goal--to stay elected forever.
Republicans say they believe in personal liberty, then oppose abortion rights, free speech, and third political parties.
Democrats say they believe in personal liberty, THEIR personal liberty. Your liberties frequently get in the way of "progress".
Republicans fervently want to be called "statesmen." They rarely are.
Democrats fervently want to be called "competent." They rarely are.
Republicans make the same mistakes their predecessors made.
Democrats never make mistakes. It's all a vast right-wing conspiracy.
Republicans wish that history would just go away instead of repeating itself.
Democrats keep trying to rewrite history.
Republicans are often the lesser of two evils.
Democrats deny that evil exists. Besides, good and bad are 100% subjective, right?
Republicans say that every vote counts--unless it has dimpled chads.
Democrats say that every vote counts--twice if you voted Democrat!
Republicans always wear expensive suits. They help hide the flab.
Democrats always wear expensive underwear. It's all about priorities.
Republicans never loosen their ties. They believe this might let a dangerous amount of blood get to their brains.
Democrats hate ties. They're uncomfortably similar to nooses.
Republicans get caught with their hands in other people's pants pockets.
Democrats get caught with their hands in other people's pants.
Republicans loathe the news media and vice versa. It has to do with constant comparisons to Nixon.
Democrats love the news media and vice versa. It has to do with constant comparisons to Gandhi.
Republicans say they'll spend your tax dollars wisely. They're lying.
Democrats say they'll spend your tax dollars better than you can. They're not lying, but to them "better" means "faster".
Republicans say they care about America, meaning the NRA, defense contractors, and oil companies.
Democrats say they care about America, meaning feminists, mob-controlled unions, and tort lawyers.
Republicans deplore corporate scandals because they lost a pile in the stock market.
Democrats deplore corporate scandals because they didn't make a dime during the tech stock bubble.
Republicans are famous for taking credit for nothing worthwhile.
Democrats are famous for taking credit for everything.
Republicans are the party noted for screwing up good ideas.
Democrats are the party noted for screwing interns.
Republicans' favorite tactic for covering up mistakes is to make incredibly boring speeches justifying their actions.
Democrats' favorite tactic for covering up mistakes is to dump the evidence in a remote corner of a city park.
Republicans think marijuana is evil.
Democrats think it's evil if you don't share your marijuana.
Republicans think Yanni, Kenny G., and Lawrence Welk rock.
Democrats think that Bob Dylan, Maya Angelou, and Barbra Streisand rock.
Republicans secretly think that Margaret Thatcher is a hottie.
Democrats secretly think that Janet Reno is a hottie.
Republicans received low Cs in Economics.
Democrats think Economics is an evil cult.
Republicans think Fidel Castro is on a par with Hitler.
Democrats think Fidel Castro isn't so bad, except he smokes.
Republicans can't afford to like you unless you're a WASP, went to the right school, and have lots of money.
Democrats can't afford to like you unless you're a poor, opressed, differently-abled, athiest, transgendered person of color and victim of this unjust, uncaring, fascist, white male dominated society.
Republicans believe they deserve a cut of your paycheck.
Democrats believe they deserve all of your paycheck.
Republicans usually don't have much hair.
Democrats get plugs.
Republicans' favorite hobby is golf.
Democrats' favorite hobby is saving the world through sweeping legislation.
Republicans aren't sure what the answers are, or even the questions.
Democrats are positive the answer to every problem is to throw money at it--specifically, YOUR money.
Republicans fire the wrong people.
Democrats won't fire anyone--they need their votes.
Republicans don't like to hire people--they want to keep overhead costs low.
Democrats don't like to hire people at all--they need the votes of the unemployed, too.
Republicans believe Dr. Laura, Mr. Spock, and the FDA are credible scientists.
Democrats believe Dr. Seuss, Deepak Chopra, and Paul Erlich are credible scientists.
Republicans have only one goal--to make a quick buck.
Democrats have only one goal--to stay elected forever.
Republicans say they believe in personal liberty, then oppose abortion rights, free speech, and third political parties.
Democrats say they believe in personal liberty, THEIR personal liberty. Your liberties frequently get in the way of "progress".
Republicans fervently want to be called "statesmen." They rarely are.
Democrats fervently want to be called "competent." They rarely are.
Republicans make the same mistakes their predecessors made.
Democrats never make mistakes. It's all a vast right-wing conspiracy.
Republicans wish that history would just go away instead of repeating itself.
Democrats keep trying to rewrite history.
Republicans are often the lesser of two evils.
Democrats deny that evil exists. Besides, good and bad are 100% subjective, right?
Republicans say that every vote counts--unless it has dimpled chads.
Democrats say that every vote counts--twice if you voted Democrat!
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