-

[kassy]

Originally posted by: ffmcobalt
n/m

staying out of this

I didn't see what you posted...
but I posted this thread. expecting both good and bad comments..

 

[NikPreviousAcct]

Originally posted by: kassy

Originally posted by: ffmcobalt
n/m

staying out of this

I didn't see what you posted...
but I posted this thread. expecting both good and bad comments..

Nope, sorry. Was considering making comments that are uncalled for. You wouldn't like them, trust me.

nik

 

[pyonir]

Originally posted by: ffmcobalt
n/m

staying out of this

i was wondering why you hadn't posted yet.

 

[Noriaki]

My last post was a bit short worded...

When I said I'd send her to go live with my mom, that was suppose to mean something.

Of course you don't know my Mom, so it means nothing to you...let me elaborate.

My mom is an ex-heroin addict, and fully recovered (off methadon even).
She works as a cook at the recovery hospital and is very active with helping other recovering addicts.

What I meant was, is that you should set your husband up with someone who is willing to help him.
Make sure he goes through a rehab program. Don't just ditch him on the side of the road.

If my wife were having drug problems, I'd send her to live with my mom for a while. My mom would help her through it, because having been there she knows what it's like. I wouldn't let my wife back in my house until she was clean again. Thus option A. But you should not just kick said person to the curb.

If you know anyone, or any groups that are willing to help recovering addicts, you should try to find a recovery hospital or something, and send him there.
Don't let him back home until he's cleaned up, or at least made a significant effort to clean up.

Don't just throw him out of your life though, they need friends, love and support still. Without such things there will be small reason to get clean.

But the passive agression option (C) won't solve anything. And B is a non-option.

Best Wishes Kassy, these are hard times, I hope you can your man can pull through it.

 

[MichaelD]

Before you do anything, you have to decide upon, w/o a doubt what YOU feel is an acceptable final consequence.

I.E. this could turn out w/the relationship ending in a fiery cataclysm.

Or, he could get clean, start doing healthy, happy things again and you live happily ever after.

Or, you could just ho-hum along w/things as is.

You've already said that you've dealt with this before with him. I won't insult your intelligence by asking "are you sure he's popping again?" B/C obviously, you are.

Assuming you reread the first sentence of this reply and have made up your mind, I'd do the following (YMMV):

When he's sober (when someone is high, that's the worst time to mess w/them...you'll "blow their head" and it gets ugly) and when the timing is right, just say "Look, Bobby, I know for a fact that you've been popping again...I know it when I see it, so don't BS me, OK? You need to make up your mind. You either stay clean or you move out...or I move out...you decide and you really need to make sure you mean what you say."

I'd give him a day or two to think about it. Set a deadline. Set a day/time when he'll have his answer, then go for a long walk (alone) or stay at a GFs house for the weekend.

Tolerating this will not make it go away (you know that already!!!) and enabling him by making excuses for why he can't stand up or answer the phone or help w/housework doesn't help either.

I'm in a similar situation w/my GF..but there's no drugs or alcohol involved. Although there should be some drugs, like Wellbutrin...but that's another thread. Not gonna hijack this thread.

Good luck Kassy. PM me if you want to talk.

 

[kassy]

Originally posted by: Noriaki
My last post was a bit short worded...

When I said I'd send her to go live with my mom, that was suppose to mean something.

Of course you don't know my Mom, so it means nothing to you...let me elaborate.

My mom is an ex-heroin addict, and fully recovered (off methadon even).
She works as a cook at the recovery hospital and is very active with helping other recovering addicts.

What I meant was, is that you should set your husband up with someone who is willing to help him.
Make sure he goes through a rehab program. Don't just ditch him on the side of the road.

If my wife were having drug problems, I'd send her to live with my mom for a while. My mom would help her through it, because having been there she knows what it's like. I wouldn't let my wife back in my house until she was clean again. Thus option A. But you should not just kick said person to the curb.

If you know anyone, or any groups that are willing to help recovering addicts, you should try to find a recovery hospital or something, and send him there.
Don't let him back home until he's cleaned up, or at least made a significant effort to clean up.

Don't just throw him out of your life though, they need friends, love and support still.

But the passive agression option (C) won't solve anything. And B is a non-option.

Best Wishes Kassy, these are hard times, I hope you can your man can pull through it.

I would never abandon him.. I spent the morning making calls, trying to figure out what options are available.
Unfortunately most of them revolve around him admitting that he has a problem.

Noriaki - You must be very proud of your Mum, she sounds like a strong lady.

and thank you... I hope he can pull through also, he is normally a very intelligent and vibrant man.

 

[kassy]

Originally posted by: MichaelD
Before you do anything, you have to decide upon, w/o a doubt what YOU feel is an acceptable final consequence.

I.E. this could turn out w/the relationship ending in a fiery cataclysm.

Or, he could get clean, start doing healthy, happy things again and you live happily ever after.

Or, you could just ho-hum along w/things as is.

You've already said that you've dealt with this before with him. I won't insult your intelligence by asking "are you sure he's popping again?" B/C obviously, you are.

Assuming you reread the first sentence of this reply and have made up your mind, I'd do the following (YMMV):

When he's sober (when someone is high, that's the worst time to mess w/them...you'll "blow their head" and it gets ugly) and when the timing is right, just say "Look, Bobby, I know for a fact that you've been popping again...I know it when I see it, so don't BS me, OK? You need to make up your mind. You either stay clean or you move out...or I move out...you decide and you really need to make sure you mean what you say."

I'd give him a day or two to think about it. Set a deadline. Set a day/time when he'll have his answer, then go for a long walk (alone) or stay at a GFs house for the weekend.

Tolerating this will not make it go away (you know that already!!!) and enabling him by making excuses for why he can't stand up or answer the phone or help w/housework doesn't help either.

I'm in a similar situation w/my GF..but there's no drugs or alcohol involved. Although there should be some drugs, like Wellbutrin...but that's another thread. Not gonna hijack this thread.

Good luck Kassy. PM me if you want to talk.

Mr D : Already tried confronting him when he is straight, his reply is generally "Its in your head" or "too much tylenol".
I told him that if he came home loaded this evening then changes would be afoot. I think I should have been more definite about what those 'changes' would be.
His reply "I am hurt that you don't trust me"

and thanks for the kind thoughts and offer of an ear.

 

[Noriaki]

We are all very proud of mom.
She's working a minimum wage full time job, helping other people recover, and she supports my little brother too. She can't get much better wage wise because she's been a heroin/methadon addict for a total of nearly 20 years. She's 45, and has far less education than I do at 21. She works her ass off though, to make up that lost time.
But that's a different topic entirely.

I just wanted to clarify, I didn't think you'd abandon him, and my first post sounded a little cold hearted. I just wanted to clear up where I stand.
I have to go pack, I'm leaving for a while. Best of luck.

I wouldn't normally do this to someone I barely know, but I think you need it *BIG HUG* for Kassy.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: kassy

Originally posted by: MichaelD
Before you do anything, you have to decide upon, w/o a doubt what YOU feel is an acceptable final consequence.

I.E. this could turn out w/the relationship ending in a fiery cataclysm.

Or, he could get clean, start doing healthy, happy things again and you live happily ever after.

Or, you could just ho-hum along w/things as is.

You've already said that you've dealt with this before with him. I won't insult your intelligence by asking "are you sure he's popping again?" B/C obviously, you are.

Assuming you reread the first sentence of this reply and have made up your mind, I'd do the following (YMMV):

When he's sober (when someone is high, that's the worst time to mess w/them...you'll "blow their head" and it gets ugly) and when the timing is right, just say "Look, Bobby, I know for a fact that you've been popping again...I know it when I see it, so don't BS me, OK? You need to make up your mind. You either stay clean or you move out...or I move out...you decide and you really need to make sure you mean what you say."

I'd give him a day or two to think about it. Set a deadline. Set a day/time when he'll have his answer, then go for a long walk (alone) or stay at a GFs house for the weekend.

Tolerating this will not make it go away (you know that already!!!) and enabling him by making excuses for why he can't stand up or answer the phone or help w/housework doesn't help either.

I'm in a similar situation w/my GF..but there's no drugs or alcohol involved. Although there should be some drugs, like Wellbutrin...but that's another thread. Not gonna hijack this thread.

Good luck Kassy. PM me if you want to talk.

Mr D : Already tried confronting him when he is straight, his reply is generally "Its in your head" or "too much tylenol".
I told him that if he came home loaded this evening then changes would be afoot. I think I should have been more definite about what those 'changes' would be.
His reply "I am hurt that you don't trust me"

and thanks for the kind thoughts and offer of an ear.

"You don't trust me..." Harrumph! Give him a sobriety test. Seriously. Make him do the walk the straight line thing...touch the nose w/eyes closed and all that. If he is adamant that he's not high, ask him how come his speech is slurred and he's dragging his feet when he walks...and all that. It's up to you, Kassy. Tell him "you're not only full of sh1t, but you're out of here!" Eventually, his addiction will result in:

a. a car accident (you could be IN the car at the time)
b. him getting arrested for DUI (possibly a good thing, but expensive for you as a married couple)
c. him getting the crap kicked out of him for mouthing off to the wrong guy while stoned

You get the idea. Best of luck.

 

[kassy]

Originally posted by: Noriaki
We are all very proud of mom.
She's working a minimum wage full time job, helping other people recover, and she supports my little brother too. She can't get much better wage wise because she's been a heroin/methadon addict for a total of nearly 20 years. She's 45, and has far less education than I do at 21. She works her ass off though.
But that's a different topic entirely.

I just wanted to clarify, I didn't think you'd abandon him, and my first post sounded a little cold hearted. I just wanted to clear up where I stand.
I have to go pack, I'm leaving for a while. Best of luck.

I wouldn't normally do this to someone I barely know, but I think you need it *BIG HUG* for Kassy.

She sounds like quite a lady
Have a nice break Noriaki, thanks, and yep you are right, a hug is something that I could do with at the moment.

 

[OS]

Originally posted by: kassy

Mr D : Already tried confronting him when he is straight, his reply is generally "Its in your head" or "too much tylenol".
I told him that if he came home loaded this evening then changes would be afoot. I think I should have been more definite about what those 'changes' would be.
His reply "I am hurt that you don't trust me"

and thanks for the kind thoughts and offer of an ear.

Sorry to hear Kassy. First of all, I think you have to get him to see that he has a problem before anything can really happen, you can't really help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Getting someone to admit they have a problem is never an easy thing. There are lots of treatments and counseling out there, but he has to want to use them first.

Hope you can save him Kassy.

 

[kassy]

Originally posted by: OuterSquare

Originally posted by: kassy

Mr D : Already tried confronting him when he is straight, his reply is generally "Its in your head" or "too much tylenol".
I told him that if he came home loaded this evening then changes would be afoot. I think I should have been more definite about what those 'changes' would be.
His reply "I am hurt that you don't trust me"

and thanks for the kind thoughts and offer of an ear.

Sorry to hear Kassy. First of all, I think you have to get him to see that he has a problem before anything can really happen, you can't really help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Getting someone to admit they have a problem is never an easy thing. There are lots of treatments and counseling out there, but he has to want to use them first.

Hope you can save him Kassy.

Thanks OuterSquare...

I know you are right, he has to admit he has a problem before anything can be done.

I am not sure if I can save him, but I hope to be able to help him save himself...

 

[yakko]

A is the only realistic choice.

 

[gopunk]

a is the only one that really works consistently, from what i've heard. so i guess, a.

 

[kassy]

Thanks to all who gave feedback.
A special thank you to:
Noriaki - your Mom's story gives me hope.
Kranky - I have followed up on NarAnon and there is a group with weekly meetings close by.
My first meeting will be tonight. After reading some of the lit. on the site, it appears that I have been 'enabling' him - I cover for him when he does crazy stuff instead of letting him face the consquences of his actions.
EA and Mr D - thank you for listening.

 

[RSMemphis]

C is very good, and should not be eliminated all together.
But A certainly needs to be there.

Offer C for a few weeks/months if she accepts help and gets treatment, and tell her that she will get A if she screws up.

The only way to go in my opinion.

 

[apoppin]

My commitment is not waivering.. I love my husband very much but I do not wish to enable him to continue on his path of self destruction. I would rather lose him to save him, if that makes sense.
I have tried confrontation, but the response is usually that its all in my head and that "IF" there are any signs of a relapse its because he has been taking too many tylenol.

WHY is he on pain medication? Is he in pain?

It's been 1-1/2 years since my latest auto accident and I still take vicodin occasionally. Sometimes the ibuprofin just isn't sufficient - it's about 1 tablet every other week or so for the serious recurring occasional pain. Acupuncture and TCM helps me MOST of the time - but there are just "those" (severe pain) days.

For you, I'd suggest AA or the variants that support the SO/famlies of addicts for REAL counseling. I'm suprised it hasn't been suggested before. You can go alone at first to get a greater understanding of the problem and maybe later he will accompany you.

Take it easy and slow - it's your marriage at stake. And good luck!

A lot of the "advice" here is from people who do not understand your situation and have no real experience with drug addiction. My suggestion is "option D" - Get PROFESSIONAL (Free) help for yourself first.

 

[rahvin]

If the Naranon is the same one I'm thinking of, based out of oklahoma or nebraska (I know it as NarcAnon) be very careful. The one I know of is run by the scientoligists. It's a bloody brainwashing clinic. But on the other hand this could be a legitimate one, just make sure and do web research on whatever you decide to do.

Kassy,

You don't trust him. Admit that on a night you think he comes home high, admit it to him and ask him to prove your wrong. Give him the piss cup (get one in advance) and have it drug screened. If he refuses the test then he's relapsed. If he pisses dirty he's relapsed and if he is clean you should appoligize. You just need to be loving about it even if it does hurt him. Don't allow him to use that hurt to shield a lie from you. Be absolutely persistant that he get tested for you. Tell him you wanna trust him but you just have to many suspicions.

Admit you don't trust him and deal with the hurt of that after you verify if he's relapsed or not.

 

[kassy]

apoppin - thanks, option D is underway now. I replied to your other question in a PM.

rahvin - where would I get the sample tested? (I searched for info on that yesterday but couldn't find anything helpful and I know it sounds like a stupid question but the US health system is different to what I am used to.)

 

[Mill]

Originally posted by: kassy
apoppin - thanks, option D is underway now. I replied to your other question in a PM.

rahvin - where would I get the sample tested? (I searched for info on that yesterday but couldn't find anything helpful and I know it sounds like a stupid question but the US health system is different to what I am used to.)

You can get a drug test for opiates(pain pills) at most drug stores. I would go to a regular doctor. Almost all if not all have the capability to test for drugs.

Coming from someone like me who used to have a drug problem I say A. You have to realize he has to want help to get sober again. The tough love may help them realize they have a problem. One thing that occurs to me is that you need to make sure that he gets sober again for him and not for any other reason. What are you thinking he is relapsing on?

 

[kassy]

Originally posted by: Millenium

Originally posted by: kassy
apoppin - thanks, option D is underway now. I replied to your other question in a PM.

rahvin - where would I get the sample tested? (I searched for info on that yesterday but couldn't find anything helpful and I know it sounds like a stupid question but the US health system is different to what I am used to.)

You can get a drug test for opiates(pain pills) at most drug stores. I would go to a regular doctor. Almost all if not all have the capability to test for drugs.

Coming from someone like me who used to have a drug problem I say A. You have to realize he has to want help to get sober again. The tough love may help them realize they have a problem. One thing that occurs to me is that you need to make sure that he gets sober again for him and not for any other reason. What are you thinking he is relapsing on?

Millenium -

Thanks for the info.


He is taking Soma as well as another medication which I would prefer not to name.
If you have know what Soma is you will know that it tends to make a person appear drunk, agitated, irrational and clumsy.
The amount that he takes causes him to turn into a blithering idiot...

 

[apoppin]

Originally posted by: kassy
He is taking Soma as well as another medication which I would prefer not to name.
If you have know what Soma is you will know that it tends to make a person appear drunk, agitated, irrational and clumsy.
The amount that he takes causes him to turn into a blithering idiot...

Ah then, he is abusing prescription meds to combat pain and perhaps pain-related depression. It sounds like he is "smoking" his other (non-prescription) drug which - from his point of view - is a good way to intensify the Soma effects. At any rate, the meds are likely contrubuting to his depression.

What good would a "drug test" do? He IS getting the meds from a MD (right?).

The ultimate need is to (get him to) work on the underlying reasons for the abuse (better pain/depression management, higher self-esteem, etc).

But first, you need to get counseling to see all of your options clearly - this is a very common problem and you will find plenty of support for "familys of drug abusers", prescription or otherwise.

 

[kassy]

Originally posted by: apoppin

Originally posted by: kassy
He is taking Soma as well as another medication which I would prefer not to name.
If you have know what Soma is you will know that it tends to make a person appear drunk, agitated, irrational and clumsy.
The amount that he takes causes him to turn into a blithering idiot...

Ah then, he is abusing prescription meds to combat pain and perhaps pain-related depression. It sounds like he is "smoking" his other (non-prescription) drug which - from his point of view - is a good way to intensify the Soma effects. At any rate, the meds are likely contrubuting to his depression.

What good would a "drug test" do? He IS getting the meds from a MD (right?).

The ultimate need is to (get him to) work on the underlying reasons for the abuse (better pain/depression management, higher self-esteem, etc).

But first, you need to get counseling to see all of your options clearly - this is a very common problem and you will find plenty of support for "familys of drug abusers", prescription or otherwise.

He is getting his meds from several doctors... the usual deal when it comes to a prescription drug addict.
I considered a drug test because it would put a stop to the lies.
IIRC one of the side effects of Soma is infact depression....

Thanks again apoppin - finding a support network is my top priority at this point.