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[Maetryx]

My mom didn't care if I went to college at all. My family does not have an academic lineage. My parents never finished high school. My mom's mom could barely read at all. From what I can understand, my ancestors were bootlegger hillbilies or something. There's probably more to them than that, but it's all I recall.

I grew up in a trailer on my uncle's property, raised by a single mom. My dad really wanted me to go to college, but he was mostly out of my life, so it was like intense, sincere advice from someone with only a tenuous authority or connection to my life.

My SAT scores reflected my intellect and my lower class upbringing. As I recall, I scored 710 on the math and only 540 on the language. I was interested in college, but there was no one telling what I should be doing or what deadlines were looming (deadlines?). I barely understood that I needed to apply to a college, that I could be turned down, what it would cost, etc. I didn't have one anecdote telling me about college life. I didn't even have a picture in my mind of what living in a dorm would be like.

I didn't know anything. So it is something of a miracle that I was accepted into the University of Alaska with an academic scholarship (tuition waiver) and that I arrived in one piece. I didn't fly to Alaska. I put almost everything I owned into a 1980 Honda Accord hatchback and drove there (2300 miles) when I was 18 years old. I was so lost when I arrived. I got to the campus and I walked up to the first person that came into my vision and said "I don't know anything." It all worked out.

 

[Kadarin]

<< It's a half electrical engineering half business job, exactly what I'd like to do. >>



In the IT field, job experience in your field is as valuable or perhaps even more valuable than a degree. While I'm not so sure about EE or the business field, I believe that the experience would be equally valuable. Perhaps you could have worked the "internship" angle with your parents?

I dated a Japanese girl once. The experience taught me that asians (Japanese people, anyway) tend to operate with a sort of "family obligation" model, where once you graduate, your parents would have attempted to set you up with a job with your second cousin (who owns some business somewhere).

 

[joohang]

Maetryx: Dang..

Out of curiosity, what do you do now? And what did you major in?

 

[linuxboy]

But I think from now on, I'm just going to screw their opinions. If I get this job, I'll pull in a decent income and I can move far, far away. I'm tired of living my life for other people.

Hi OuterSquare

There are choices to be made at a certain point in life. Those choices come naturally with age, maturity, and the need to disperse. With cultural restrictions like the ones you mention, dispersion is regulated in order to reduce chaos and preserve a system. It may sound reidiculous, but that's just the way it is because of old practices. Often, there is very little you can do. You cannot convince your parents that what they tell you is silly and that this is now a different sysytem and they have to adopt. They are in their society where face means alot. And so you have one foot in one world and the other foot in the other world, torn as to what you should do.

Perhaps the solution is to have the best of both worlds by growing an extra pair of feet. Let me explain. Parents are reasonable. They usually just want to see their children succeed and live a good life. In this case, they think that this good life is possible within the confines of an asian social structure. You need to figure out for yourself a good argument about why exactly this is not the case. You need to come up with reasons why you should go and do this. When you "bounced this idea" off your mom, here is what happened

You: mom I want this and this
Mom: I must look out for my children, this is not within the confines of what I know works, it is therefore new, therefore I must reject it.
Mom: No, finish school
You: WHAT????
Mom: I must be strong and stick by what works, absolutely not\

You: WTF??? ASIAN FAMILIES SUCK !!!!
You: OoOoOoOoOoO, look anandtech.


Me: Hi

and there rest is in this post

let us now look at an alternative scenario

You: Hi mom, I've been thinking about the future (indicates responsibility) and I think it would be best in OUR (focus on family unit and society) interest for me to get job/whatever.
Mom: This is interesting, it seems I have a reason to listen.,
Mom: Go on...
You: Well I've been looking at what alot of other people in our culture do and it seems they don't really get ahead (shows insight and initiative). I also looked at what other people do and they seem to have a work system set up to help them get ahead (observation, still neutral, mom is still not emotionally involved)
You: Yeah, it's about a job.
Mom: *frowns, gets ready for a reaction*
You: Well, before you say anything, let me explain (shows empathy and wiilingness to be open and discuss). Yeah so bla bla bla and feed her all the benefits, anticipate objections and meet them with additional reasons so it looks like you have a solid position.

what should happen:

Mom: Ok, we'll think about it. They should go for it then.

About the only way to break out of past negative coping patterns and cultural customs is to be human about it, to genuinely care, and to provide reasons and aternatives.

Remember, within your culture, there is a high power distance so you must use reason to persuade, and hopefully good reasons that attack from many sides bringing quantity and quality.


I urge you to reconsider abandoning your family or severing ties like that. They are such a large part of your life and they are the only family you have. Look at it from her point of view and try to understand without getting pissed off about what you want all the time. The world is a much friendlier place when you do that.

Cheers !

 

[Imdmn04]

<< Yep I understand this concept. I am not Asian but my wife is. School school school, then job, then find a spouse. Makes lots of money, wear lots of jewelry, and make yourself out to be more important than you are. Be as snobby as possible in the process and look down on people who have less. >>



isnt this captalism? work as hard as you can, make as much money as you can, look down on people who have less because they didnt work as hard

yes, a lot of asian families put education first, is that really necessary a bad thing? yes they go overboard sometimes but that is better than not caring about you at all

here are some examples of going overboard: i'll get you a brand new car if you can get 1600 on the sat, i'll give ya 500 bucks for bringing home a 4.0.

life isnt fair, you are not always gonna get rewarded for the hard work you put in, and these parents arent excatly preparing their kids for that.

 

[BaliBabyDoc]

I got to the campus and I walked up to the first person that came into my vision and said "I don't know anything." It all worked out.

Great story, Maetryx!

 

[tommigsr]

Asian families suxors One day, i went ahead and got myself a job and told them afterwards they respected me afterwards

 

[jhu]

i'll give ya 500 bucks for bringing home a 4.0.

my parents offered to buy me an acura nsx if i got into ucsd. needless to say (but i'll say it anyway) i didn't get in.

 

[worth]

Maetryx, your story is amazing... How did it end? Did you graduate, did you hang in there?

 

[Ameesh]

<<

<< better then white families they dont care if you goto school or not and when you become 18 you get kicked out of the house and when the parents are old and seniel the kids dont feel any resposibility for them. >>




dont know a single family like that....bummer for you, if that is what you had to deal with....i lived at my parents till i felt like moving out...they still paid for school and my car once i did =) >>




i came from an asian-indian family so no i didnt have to deal with that but i know manny people who have and they dont seem to have a problem with it.


thats nice that they bought you things, i think a lot of people are spoiled when they are brought up, some guy was gonna get a nsx if he got into ucsd? wtf? like getting into a good college isnt motivation itself your parents had to bribe you to try harder. kinda sad in my opinion.

 

[worth]

<< my parents offered to buy me an acura nsx if i got into ucsd. >>



ROFLMAO! An NSX for getting into San Diego, did they offer a Ferrari if you got into Berkeley? Talk about outrageous...

 

[KEV1N]

Holy crap. An NSX for getting into UCSD? My mom's offering to SELL me her car when I GRADUATE from UCD. It's a Lexus IS300. She wants 25k for it next year!

 

[quantide]

nm

 

[killface]

<< Ranting is fine, but don't you think your title is stereotypical? >>


LOL. Hey man, it's the great american racial double standard! Asian people can say asian families suck for the same reason I can say polish people are stupid, or white people are lame and dorky.

 

[quantide]

an NSX!? my parents couldnt afford me the confidence to buy me even a POS car. Im a sophmore in college and I have to take the damn bus 2-4 times a day

 

[wyvrn]

Capitalism is working hard to get ahead, but you don't have to be snobby about it. And you don't have to force it down your children's throats. Example: my wife was in school for her professional degree. This is a very hard degree and she spends all hours studying just to get good grades, has almost no time for anything else. She nearly has a nervous breakdown because he mom calls her every other day asking her what her grades are like, is she going to fail, don't drop out because it will look bad on our family. In fact, my wife dislikes what she is doing now and wants to do something else, but is having a hard time facing her parents. I have already told her I support her in whatever choice she makes as long as it makes her happy (read: money does not matter). In my family, if I told my brother and mom that I wanted to do something else, they would be happy for me and support me in any way I could. I thank God that my mother raised me with the freedom to make my own choices and didn't over burden me with what the rest of the world would think if I didn't become a doctor or pharmacist. Its great to teach your kids to work hard and get their education, but not at the expense of their happiness and even sanity.



<<

<< Yep I understand this concept. I am not Asian but my wife is. School school school, then job, then find a spouse. Makes lots of money, wear lots of jewelry, and make yourself out to be more important than you are. Be as snobby as possible in the process and look down on people who have less. >>



isnt this captalism? work as hard as you can, make as much money as you can, look down on people who have less because they didnt work as hard

yes, a lot of asian families put education first, is that really necessary a bad thing? yes they go overboard sometimes but that is better than not caring about you at all

here are some examples of going overboard: i'll get you a brand new car if you can get 1600 on the sat, i'll give ya 500 bucks for bringing home a 4.0.

life isnt fair, you are not always gonna get rewarded for the hard work you put in, and these parents arent excatly preparing their kids for that. >>

 

[HamSupLo]

Asian families do suck. Put that in bold capital letters in the title for me.

An NSX!? I didn't get squat for going to college. Except a lot of nagging and bitchin'. :|

 

[b0mbrman]

<< Asian families suck >>


That's a pretty broad generalization...My Asian family was super cool

 

[Ameesh]

Asian families in the US are far better off then most. your just being a whiny brat who doesnt want to take reposibility for himself, yes we all know that asian mothers can be ridicoulously overbearing and single minded but talk to her and explain that your doing whats gonna benifit you in the long run.

 

[Koing]

<< Yeah all Asian parents are like that.... my parents didnt' want me dating until I graduated university.. oh well. What they don't know won't hurt them >>



my PARENTS ARE EXACTLY like that. They don't want me talking to girls much less dating them!

But now a days its 'easier' though. But no way I'd tell them that I'm 'going out with a girl for the day' or such like. Its always 'I'm out with friends' and that friend happens to be a cute girl

They are very focused on me studying though. I work hard and study.

My parents aren't that strict compared to some but they do have issues with me and girls. They always push me to work harder and harder. Good at times and just too stressful at others but I try to deal with it as best I can.

I'm SO glad that my asian parents aren't as strict as some other parents........

 

[Comp625]

My asian family is a bit of a mix. I feel comfortable for sharing this with everyone because no one will know who I really am (in real life) so tis okay.

I'm 16 years old. I am the smart one in the family (get A's and B's in school) while my sister who is 12, is the....black sheep....of the family. She's the complete opposite of me (pretty unskilled at anything and everything).

My parents have very high expectations of me. Like some of the posters in this thread, I have restrictions on my personal life too. I can't date until I'm in college. I can't have sex, do drugs, all that dangerous stuff until I'm out of college. They believe I should go to a great college (they suggested MIT :confused but my grades, as good as they are (they aren't great fantastic grades)...are not good enough to get me into even a good non Ivy league school. They whine and complain alot about my grades and how I need to improve my SAT scores. My PSAT scores were pretty sh1tty...a combined 1010. Although I feel I am very intelligent, academically and street wise, I am very unconfident when it comes to tests. I bomb about 70% of the tests I take, but I do really good in non-examination work.

After they saw my PSAT score, they started nagging to me for weeks on end about how I need to practice for the SATs. They bought all this practice SAT stuff for me like SAT Practice Software, SAT practice books, enrolled me to an SAT practice class, etc. As annoying as that might sound, they do redeem my achievements with stuff that I want.

For example, they say if I can raise my GPA after this school year and get some better SAT scores, they'll gimme over $800 to upgrade my computer (the stuff that I really want from newegg.com only tallys up to about $750 ). They DID NOT get me ANY Christmas presents because they saw my PSAT scores... so I was really pissed off at them for about a month. But now, they've made me realize that my future is pretty important and that I should practice for this SAT crap. As an incentive, they offered $800 as mentioned above.

They provide me with shelter and pay for the food. I have NEVER worked before though I am 16. They don't think I should go and work at such a young age but they gave me the option to work. Needless to say, I chose to stay home. I have no real need for money. They don't give me an allowance but because my dad does have decent knowledge about computers, he'll replace my computer parts with newer ones if he has proof that the computer part has died. Parents pay for food, shelter, cable tv/internet bill, etc. It's all good. To me, money is only important right now for entertainment purposes. I want to enjoy my childhood and enjoy the freedom in life instead of having to go to work everyday afterschool for 5 days a week and stress myself out.

If anyone has read Catcher in the Rye, I tell ya, I am the complete opposite of Holden Caulfield. If you read it, you'd know what I'm talking about.

Oh ya I forgot to add. They are strict parents. Whenever I do something bad, they really bear down and set down rules and explain to me what I did wrong and how to avoid it in the future. But since I don't get into trouble much, they let me do whatever I want as long as it's close to home and safe. They're pretty cool. They even let me sit on the computer all day if I choose to - and I do sit on it all day alot. (And yes, I do have a social life...just not a really sexually active social life. Can't really say if that's a good or bad thing.)

 

[ChinamanatNCSU]

yeah I'm agreeing with everyone about the stereotypical asian families. Well, actually for me its just my mom. My dad just wants me to be happy, and if whatever it is involves making money, then its an added bonus. I just want to be successful so I can pamper him when he retires, if ever. It makes me feel bad that he's working like a dog to put my through college, so if I slack off all his efforts are going to waste.
My mom, on the other hand, has already picked out the car I'm going to buy her when I get wealthy (a Jag. She likes the hood ornament. wtf). She constantly asks about my grades and "relationships," and is trying to learn how to say "electrical and computer engineering" so she can brag to all her friends that her son is double majoring and blah blah blah bs bs bs. She was uber pissed when I didn't get into MIT b/c the son of someone she knew got in and she's constantly saying how I'm smarter than him and I just don't apply myself. It blows, but I guess after nearly 19 years I'm used to it. I just wish she'd bear down on my sister instead of focusing on me all the time, but I guess since she's an art and design major there's "not that much money" in it.
as for relationships, yeah I'm not supposed to date until I graduate, and she has to be asian and shorter than me (again, wtf). However, what momma don't know won't hurt her . I loooooove living away from home

EDIT: ooh ooh Comp just brought up a couple nice points. SATs. My parents were actually mad that I didn't crack 1500...ok, i'm sorry 1480 isn't good enough...lets see you try and take it...
and yes I am glad though that I didn't have to work on top of everything else. I can't complain that I lived a hard live, since everything was provided for. Still is too, b/c I periodically go home and go shopping in the pantry

 

[gotsmack]

same situation here.

All I learned is that I do whatever I feel is correct and not discuss it with anyone. I'm 21 now and can decide for myself what I want to do today, the day after, the day after that ...

I graduate next year and am going to grad school.

over the summer I'm going to get an internship or work on a project I'm doing for school right now that may cost $6K to start up. I'll let you guys know what it is when I get the business plan done in 6 weeks.

 

[Balthazar]

<< Ranting is fine, but don't you think your title is stereotypical? >>



That does it, were officially screwed as a race....

HES ASIAN you turd!!!!

How dare you OuterSquare! Stereotyping yourself like that....you should be disgusted with....yourself????

Wtf????

 

[imported_vr6]

Totally man, my parents used to be like that, until my sister moved out cause she couldn't stand them, then my bro did the same, now i am the only one left, and i am as free as a bird!

Just do it man, youu won't regret it