your opinion, please.

NuclearNed

Raconteur
May 18, 2001
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Summer was slowly burning itself out on its relentless march towards autumn. Grasshoppers and an occasional cicada could be heard sawing out their monotonous tunes. Off in the distance a mockingbird insanely chattered a new song every few seconds, but little if any wildlife could be found otherwise. Everything was wrapped in the muggy embrace of sticky hot humidity, and nothing stirred if it wasn?t forced. The early afternoon sun scorched the yellowing trees on the slopes of the low rolling mountains. The lower vegetation had already given up its annual struggle to conquer the heat, and the forest floor was brown and crunchy with brown plants and a few leaves that had already fallen from the trees. A small number of high wispy clouds graced the sky, offering no moisture and little relief.

The older man gave his teenaged granddaughter a gentle jab in the ribs accompanied by a hushed grunt to encourage her to walk a little faster, but she steadfastly refused to laugh or even crack a smile. In spite of that, her pace increased ever so slightly, and without a single word spoken in return.

She didn?t want to be here, and took advantage of every opportunity to express her displeasure. The granddaughter was just past the age where many young girls blossom into sweet, lovely women, or become self-obsessed with their own beauty, desires, and lusts. Through all the decisions leading from birth up to this day, she had made her choice; she was trendy, shallow, and physically beautiful, paired with large portions of vindictiveness and cruelty. She wasn?t necessarily a bad person; instead it would be more accurate to say that she was a product of all the fears that she had never confronted or conquered in her life. She was completely defined by events and anxieties seemingly outside of her control, feeling safe only when she was among her tiny circle of pseudo-friends. They all despised her, as she despised them and they each other.

They were making good time, and the worn path through the woods was in fairly good repair. The girl mostly looked at the ground, hardly ever lifting her head to notice the natural grandeur about her. She was terrified. She had never spent any time outside her comfortable suburban life. The woods concealed an unknown number of unseen terrors for her. A solitary tear rolled down her cheek, which she quickly brushed away before the old man could notice. Many more would follow, if she weren?t very careful in keeping them in check. It would be a serious wound to her pride if the grandfather knew how miserable she was, barely coping with this little hike. She hoped beyond all hope that they would reach their destination safely and soon.
 

pontifex

Lifer
Dec 5, 2000
43,804
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Originally posted by: NuclearNed
Originally posted by: pontifex
Originally posted by: NuclearNed

i think it needs a little more work...

Yeah - my posting skills have been a little sub-par today.

hehe

looks good to me. not sure its something that i would normally read but you have the descriptions and stuff down pretty good. i've tried writing short stories too. i have the idea for the story and the actions going on in my head, i just can't get the descriptions down like you did. i posted it on another site and they gave me some good suggestions and said they wanted to keep reading, thought it was interesting.

that was a few weeks ago and i haven't worked on it since. actually getting myself to sit down and work on it is a mjaor problem i have.
 

NuclearNed

Raconteur
May 18, 2001
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Originally posted by: pontifex
Originally posted by: NuclearNed
Originally posted by: pontifex
Originally posted by: NuclearNed

i think it needs a little more work...

Yeah - my posting skills have been a little sub-par today.

hehe

looks good to me. not sure its something that i would normally read but you have the descriptions and stuff down pretty good. i've tried writing short stories too. i have the idea for the story and the actions going on in my head, i just can't get the descriptions down like you did. i posted it on another site and they gave me some good suggestions and said they wanted to keep reading, thought it was interesting.

that was a few weeks ago and i haven't worked on it since. actually getting myself to sit down and work on it is a mjaor problem i have.

This isn't a "touchy-feely" story like you might think from the intro. I don't want to give away much about the plot because I may post the whole thing on ATOT (maybe in installments). But I think most people who post here would find it very interesting.
 
D

Deleted member 4644

hmm.. are you trying to get published?

Your writing seems like you are trying to hard... its a bit.. stiff?

Not terrible for a first effort/draft though..
 
L

Lola

I love descriptive stories like the first paragraph you have, however, the writing style for me changes in the second and third paragraphs. I don't know why i feel that way, but it is as though the writer changed between the first and second ones.
The begining of some of the sentences i feel should be changed so they are not all starting with "she" or "the". Not saying they are all like that, but many are.

The one concern I always have with stories is that they get too cheesy. if it doesnt happen, its looking to shape up as an interesting read.
 

jhayx7

Platinum Member
Oct 1, 2005
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It is good but a little rough around the edges, possibly too many forced adjectives.

But then again, what do I know :p
 

SonnyDaze

Diamond Member
Jul 31, 2004
6,867
3
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Originally posted by: NuclearNed
Everything was wrapped in the muggy embrace of sticky hot humidity,

sticky hot humidity doesn't embrace....it suffocates! ;) I like the sounds of it so far. :thumbsup:

 

NuclearNed

Raconteur
May 18, 2001
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Originally posted by: LordSegan
hmm.. are you trying to get published?

Your writing seems like you are trying to hard... its a bit.. stiff?

Not terrible for a first effort/draft though..

No, I'm not trying to get published. I wrote this in about an hour, and it is literally the first draft.
 

49erinnc

Platinum Member
Feb 10, 2004
2,095
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Sounds good so far but I think the first paragraph is a little too descriptive and poetic. And then you go completely away from that style with the next two paragraphs. I've read some of your posts here so I know you have a talent for writing. But I think you're trying too hard in the first paragraph instead of just writing from the hip (so to speak).
 

daveshel

Diamond Member
Oct 10, 1999
5,453
2
81
It doesn't suck.

But, the first parahraph of a novel has a special calling: to compel the reader to continue reading. To do this a writer will often employ an interesting turn of phrase, or introduce an incongruity that makes the reader want resolution. So, while the descriptive qualities do a good job of setting the scene and introducing the characters, the opening paragraph is better as the opening paragraph of a subsequect chapter.

The third sentence of the third paragraph pivots on the word 'paired,' which doesn't quite work for the array, and the clauses on either side of the pivot lack structural cohesion (adjectives in the first clause, nouns in the second).
 

Mo0o

Lifer
Jul 31, 2001
24,227
3
76
I felt bogged down by all the unnecessary adjectives in the first paragraph. It's impressive use of language but for a leisurely novel it's unnecessary. And I got the feeling each sentence didn't flow into the next.
 

NuclearNed

Raconteur
May 18, 2001
7,881
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Thanks for the suggestions, folks. They are all good, and at some level or other I agree with all of them.

Having been critiqued before, I find that my first instinct is to become real defensive about the stuff I wrote. Once I get past that, I almost always agree with the criticisms. I guess its just human nature.
 

Xstatic1

Diamond Member
Sep 20, 2006
8,982
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okay, you've definitely piqued my interest. continue writing and don't worry too much about editing...that comes much later! i'm ready for the next installment.
 

NuclearNed

Raconteur
May 18, 2001
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Originally posted by: Xstatic1
okay, you've definitely piqued my interest. continue writing and don't worry too much about editing...that comes much later! i'm ready for the next installment.

You got it... I'll put it together as I find the time. I'll probably rework this installment and add some to it, then release it again.
 

KingGheedora

Diamond Member
Jun 24, 2006
3,248
1
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I only read the first paragraph. I found the writing style very cliche. Too wordy and comes off as you're trying too hard. The paragraph appears to be trying to set up a scene, and gets specific about arbitrary things, but not about anything relevant. I don't know where this is taking place and what hot muggy summerness has to do with the old man and the girl. Also, stories writen in the third person tend to be boring.
 

flot

Diamond Member
Feb 24, 2000
3,197
0
0
Originally posted by: KingGheedora
I only read the first paragraph. I found the writing style very cliche. Too wordy and comes off as you're trying too hard. The paragraph appears to be trying to set up a scene, and gets specific about arbitrary things, but not about anything relevant.

Agreed. Dumb it down a few grade levels / lose some of the drama and I think you have a winner.