Your favorite Monty Python quotes (yes, again)

[Sluggo]

Sorry, but I never get tired of them. Just changed my Sig today.

 

[NaughtyusMaximus]

"So you say your father was a Roman eh? What was his name?"
'NaughtyusMaximus sir, from the Jerusalem Garrison'
*Laughter*
"Centurion, do we have anybody by that name in the garrison?"
-Well uh, no sir.
"Well you seem quite sure, have you checked?"
-Uhh, no sir
"Well why not?"
-Well you see sir, its a joke name.
"A joke name?"
-Uh, yes sir. Like Silly-a-Saurus, or Biggus Dickus
"Biggus Dickus? I happen to have a very great friend in Rome who goes by the name Biggus Dickus"
...
"Do you want to know what his wife is called? Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttox"

 

[urbantechie]

<< Run away!! Run away!! >>

 

[DefRef]

Announcer: That was episode two of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots', adapted for the radio by Bernard Holliwood and Brian London. And now, Radio Four will explode.

(Music and then the radio explodes.)

(Two pepperpots are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it explodes. One looks at the other.)

First Pepperpot (Graham Chapman): We'll have to watch the Telly then!

Second Pepperpot (John Cleese): Yes. (sound of agreement)

(They turn the couch so it's facing the television. One turns the television on, and they sit down There is a small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)

First Pepperpot: Well, what's on the telly-vision then?

(pause)

Second Pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.

(pause)

First Pepperpot: No no no no! I didn't mean what's on the telly-vision set. I meant what program?

Second Pepperpot: Oh

Both Pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair.

Second Pepperpot: Funny that penguin being there, isn't it?

First Pepperpot: What's it doin' there?

Second Pepperpot: Standin'!

First Pepperpot: I can see that!

(pause)

First Pepperpot: If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the telly-vision set.

Second Pepperpot: We'll have to watch that.

First Pepperpot: Mmmmmm

Second Pepperpot: Unless it's a male.

First Pepperpot: Ooh, I never thought of that.

Second Pepperpot: Yes. It looks fairly butch.

(pause)

First Pepperpot: Per'aps it comes from next door.

Second Pepperpot: (yelling) Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!

First Pepperpot: (yet louder) BURMA!!!

(They both stop short, looking around)

Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say Burma?

First Pepperpot: I panicked.

Second Pepperpot: Oh.

(Pause)

Second Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.

First Pepperpot: Which zoo?

Second Pepperpot: (angrily) How should I know which zoo?!? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!!

First Pepperpot: How does Doctor bloody Bernofsky know which zoo it came from?

Second Pepperpot: He knows everything.

First Pepperpot: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life.

(pause)

First Pepperpot: Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it'd have 'property of the zoo' stamped on it.

Second Pepperpot: No it wouldn't! They don't stamp animals 'property of the zoo'!! You couldn't stamp a huge lion!!

First Pepperpot: (confidently) They stamp them when they're small.

Second Pepperpot: (snapping back) What happens when they moult?

First Pepperpot: Lions don't moult.

Second Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.

First Pepperpot: (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!

(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)

Man: (Terry Jones) Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.

(The penguin explodes)

First Pepperpot: How did 'e know that was going to happen?!

Man: It was an inspired guess.

 

[bolomite]

Bring... the comfy chair!

 

[iamwiz82]

&quot;this parrot is dead!&quot;

&quot;No its not, its sleeping.&quot;

hehe, i loved that skit.

 

[Aquaman]

The Lumber Jack song in German LOL

Also........&quot;We are the Knights of Nie&quot;

Classics

Cheers,
Aquaman

 

[NastyNate]

<< Also........&quot;We are the Knights of Nie&quot; >>



lol!

The knights that say NIE! really are cool.

Also in the same scene : &quot;you will bring me...A shrubbery!!&quot; (spelled correctly?)

hahah..MP rulez.

 

[Harrald]

BEDEVERE: Why do you think she is a witch?

SECOND VILLAGER: She turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE: A newt?

SECOND VILLAGER: (After looking at himself for some time) I got better.




I love that

 

[Batti]

&quot;I'm feeling better!!&quot;
&quot;You're not fooling anyone!&quot;
&quot;I think I'll go for a walk&quot;

***
&quot;Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Here we see the violence inherent in the system!&quot;

 

[The LIdless Eye]

&quot;She looks like an eater&quot;


&quot;On second thought, lets not go to Camelot. It is a silly place&quot;


&quot;Your arms off&quot;
&quot;No it isn't. Just a flesh wound&quot;

 

[RaDragon]

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of wild elderberries!

Now go away before I taunt you a second time!

 

[ArkAoss]

I like the skit about the far away planet, where a pair of split crotch panties costs 90 billion pounds, or something like that.

 

[RC5Bri]

How about the song Every Sperm is Sacred?

And


<< Bring out your dead!!! >>

 

[luv2chill]

Fun! Here's mine, although Flying Circus has a zillion more...

Scene 3
[thud]
[King Arthur music]
[thud thud thud]
[King Arthur music stops]
Arthur
Old Woman!
Dennis
Man!
Arthur
Man. Sorry. What Knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis
I'm thirty-seven.
Arthur
I-- what?
Dennis
I'm thirty-seven. I'm not Old.
Arthur
Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
Dennis
Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
Arthur
Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
Dennis
Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Arthur
I did say 'sorry' about the 'Old Woman', but from the behind you looked--
Dennis
What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Arthur
Well, I am King!
Dennis
Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
Woman
Dennis, there's some Lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
Arthur
How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?
Woman
King of the who?
Arthur
The Britons.
Woman
Who are the Britons?
Arthur
Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.
Woman
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis
You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
Woman
Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis
That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
Arthur
Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman
No one lives there.
Arthur
Then who is your lord?
Woman
We don't have a lord.
Arthur
What?
Dennis
I tOld you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive Officer for the week,...
Arthur
Yes.
Dennis
...but all the decision of that Officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
Arthur
Yes, I see.
Dennis
...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
Arthur
Be quiet!
Dennis
...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
Arthur
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman
Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
Arthur
I am your king!
Woman
Well, I didn't vote for you.
Arthur
You don't vote for kings.
Woman
Well, how did you become King, then?
Arthur
The Lady of the Lake,...
[angels sing]
...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
Dennis
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a Mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur
Be quiet!
Dennis
Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur
Shut up!
Dennis
I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur
Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Dennis
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Arthur
Shut up!
Dennis
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Arthur
Bloody peasant!
Dennis
Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?


l2c

 

[MrAnderson]

THERE'S your book now buy it!

 

[iamwiz82]

I fart in your general direction!!

 

[thebestMAX]

I f*rt in your general direction.

How can you tell which one is the King?

&quot;He's the one what aint got sh*t all over him&quot;

Ministry for silly walks.

 

[cipher00]

Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

 

[kranky]

Architect sketch.

Scene: A large posh office. Two clients, well-dressed city gents, sit facing a large table at which stands Mr. Tid, the account manager of an architectural firm.

Mr. Tid: Well, gentlemen, we have two architectural designs for this new residential block of yours and I thought it best if the architects themselves explained the particular advantages of their designs.

(There is a knock at the door)

Mr. Tid (Chapman): Ah! That's probably the first architect now. Come in.

(Mr. Wiggin enters)

Mr. Wiggin (Cleese): Good morning, gentlemen.

Clients: Good morning.

Mr. Wiggin: This is a 12-story block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive here and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these...

Client 1 (Palin): Excuse me.

Mr. Wiggin: Yes?

Client 1: Did you say 'knives'?

Mr. Wiggin: Rotating knives, yes.

Client 2 (Jones): Do I take it that you are proposing to slaughter our tenants?

Mr. Wiggin: ...Does that not fit in with your plans?

Client 1: Not really. We asked for a simple block of flats.

Mr. Wiggin: Oh. I hadn't fully divined your attitude towards the tenants. You see I mainly design slaughter houses.

Clients: Ah.

Mr. Wiggin: Pity.

Clients: Yes.

Mr. Wiggin: (indicating points of the model) Mind you, this is a real beaut. None of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows incommoding the passers-by with this one. (confidentially) My life has been leading up to this.

Client 2: Yes, and well done, but we wanted an apartment block.

Mr. Wiggin: May I ask you to reconsider.

Clients: Well...

Mr. Wiggin: You wouldn't regret this. Think of the tourist trade.

Client 1: I'm sorry. We want a block of flats, not an abattoir.

Mr. Wiggin: ...I see. Well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement, you whining hypocritical toadies with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes. You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards. Well I wouldn't become a Freemason now if you went down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me.

Client 2: We're sorry you feel that way, but we did want a block of flats, nice though the abattoir is.

Mr. Wiggin: Oh sod the abattoir, that's not important.

(He dashes forward and kneels in front of them)

But if any of you could put in a word for me I'd love to be a mason. Masonry opens doors. I'd be very quiet, I was a bit on edge just now but if I were a mason I'd sit at the back and not get in anyone's way.

Client 1: (politely) Thank you.

Mr. Wiggin: ...I've got a second-hand apron.

Client 2: Thank you.

(Mr. Wiggin hurries to the door but stops...)

Mr. Wiggin: I nearly got in at Hendon.

Client 1: Thank you.

(Mr. Wiggin exits. Mr Tid rises.)

Mr. Tid: I'm sorry about that. Now the second architect is Mr. Wymer of Wymer and Dibble.

(Mr. Wymer enters, carrying his model with great care. He places it on the table)

Mr. Wymer (Idle): Good morning gentlemen. This is a scale model of the block, 28 stories high, with 280 apartments. It has three main lifts and two service lifts. Access would be from Dibbingley Road. (The model falls over. Mr Wymer quickly places it upright again) The structure is built on a central pillar system with... (The model falls over again. Mr Wymer tries to make it stand up, but it won't, so he has to hold it upright) ...with cantilevered floors in pre-stressed steel and concrete. The dividing walls on each floor section are fixed by recessed magnalium-flanged grooves.

(The bottom ten floors of the model give way and it partly collapses)

By avoiding wood and timber derivatives and all other inflammables we have almost totally removed the risk of.... (The model is smoking. The odd flame can be seen. Wymer looks at the city gents) Frankly, I think the central pillar may need strengthening.

Client 2: Is that going to put the cost up?

Mr. Wymer: I'm afraid so.

Client 2: I don't know we need to worry too much about strengthening that. After all, these are not meant to be luxury flats.

Client 1: Absolutely. If we make sure the tenants are of light build and relatively sedentary and if the weather's on our side, I think we have a winner here.

Mr. Wymer: Thank you.

(The model explodes)

Client 2: I quite agree.

Mr. Wymer: Well, thank you both very much.

(They all shake hands, giving the secret Mason's handshake)

(Cut to Mr. Wiggin watching at the window)

Mr. Wiggin: (turning to camera) It opens doors, I'm telling you.

 

[billandopus]

&quot;Fishies! Fishies! Fishies!

&quot;It's wafer-thin!&quot; (Cleese in bad French accent)

&quot;Fsck Off! I'm full!&quot;

 

[Pers]

wtf is monty python...and if u will respond to my question please pm me cause i will probably never check this thread...

THanks

 

[Mday]

Pers was like me when i was a senior in HS... =(

never saw MP before, but knew they were &quot;comedians&quot;

..

now fast forward some 30 months more or less, i have seen several movies =) but not the series...

..

Pers, go look up MP in google.com

 

[Whitedog]

Holy Grail... The whole movie... LMAO L2C.

 

[DarkRipper]

Centurion: But &quot;Romans go home!&quot; is an order, soooo?

Bryan: Declarative?

{sound of sword coming out of sheath}

Bryan: [with sword to throat] Imperative Imperative!!!

Centurion: Romani.... {daubing paint on wall}

Centurion: Now write it 500 times by sunrise or I'll cut your balls off.



Gotta be the best scene!

DR