You are going to HADES if you watch LotR:TTT

MaxDepth

Diamond Member
Jun 12, 2001
8,757
43
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or at least turn gay.

Snippet from the article:

Although sodomy is now suggested in nearly every scene where the two creatures appear together, thankfully, the producers leave the disgusting homosexuality (which was so much a part of the novels) off camera. There are some scenes where the hobbits appear together in one sleeping bag and a lewd discussion about what sinful act led to both their palms and feet becoming so hairy, but that's about it. ?By moving dozens of deviant sex scenes between those hairy little perverts off screen, the producers were able to achieve a PG13 rating," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "And make no mistake, my dear friends; here at Landover Baptist, PG means 'pretty gay.'"
:Q
 

Red Dawn

Elite Member
Jun 4, 2001
57,529
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The new movie, The Two Towers makes up for its lack of on screen sex scenes with some of the most horrifying, blood wrenching violence ever to splatter the silver screen. "That's why, at first glance, the film is very appealing to True Christians®," says Pastor Deacon Palco.
 

Bignate603

Lifer
Sep 5, 2000
13,897
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Hahahaha... I think somebody cares a wee bit too much about the sexual orientation of hobbits...
 

CurtCold

Golden Member
Aug 15, 2002
1,547
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Ummm I refuse to read all of that, after about the first 4-5 paragraphs, I can justifiably say that's utter BS. More Religious views getting pushed over, with "All Baptists" Yeah, he took a survey and 9/10 Baptists agree.....
 

UNCjigga

Lifer
Dec 12, 2000
25,385
9,955
136
Although we don't know too much about the director of The Two Towers movie, we are told that he was plucked from the overweight, unkempt men with glasses who play Dungeons and Dragons and live in their mother's basement crowd.
ROFLMAO because this describes his 'look' EXACTLY!
 

XZeroII

Lifer
Jun 30, 2001
12,572
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Um, do froddo and sam get something going or something? I've heard about how you get hairy palms, but feet...that's pretty disgusting.
 

Kev

Lifer
Dec 17, 2001
16,367
4
81
I remember reading ROTK and they would always be cuddling and Sam would hold Frodo while Frodo sleeps saying, "I love you Mr. Frodo." Kinda ambiguously gay if you ask me.
 

ThePresence

Elite Member
Nov 19, 2001
27,727
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Bah, WombatWoman was on to this months ago. And I quote:

Change of Hobbit: A Modest Proposal

~From the Desk of P.C. Bowdler, President of the Tolkien Revisionist Society~

Dear Peter Jackson:

Regarding the ultimate "Director's Cut" of your Lord of the Rings trilogy, here are a few humble suggestions.
The pipeweed has got to go. Likewise the beer. The sight of little 3-foot-tall fellas toking up and getting sloshed is not exactly the message we want to send to our youngsters, is it? Let's replace the weed and the booze with something wholesome and preservative-free. Maybe the hobbits can chew on sun-dried tofu chips and swig nonalcoholic, decaf Gollum-Ade.

Speaking of protecting the youngsters, there is a horrifying tinge of pedophilia in Gandalf's relationship to these halflings. They may technically be adults, but they look like children, and the old man sure does imply a bit of huggybumpus with them on more than one occasion. And what about that wand? If that isn't the phallic symbol of a sexual predator, I'll eat Gandalf's hat with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Alcohol-free, of course.

We must be careful not to downplay the delightful homoerotic undercurrent of the plot. With the possible exception of Aragorn (who may be using the apparent unattainability of Arwen as a ploy to stay in the closet,) it appears that everyone else is either gay (Frodo + Sam, all the twiddly blond boys from Elfland, the scary uberdyke Galadriel) or asexual (Gimli) or just plain bent (Gollum.) NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. We need to make a healthy statement about the wholesomeness of alternative lifestyles here. (Some people may object to this, but if so, we can brush them aside since their lifestyle is unacceptably narrow-minded, and their mindset should be exterminated.) Middle-Earth abounds in fairy-folk. Goodness knows Tolkien provided enough hints of what was going on. A few quotes from LOTR:

"You should never have gone mixing yourself up with Hobbiton folk, Mr. Frodo. Folk are queer up there."

"It don't seem to matter what I think about them. They are quite different from what I expected-- so old and young, so gay and sad, as it were."

Not to mention this corker, from "The Hobbit"...

"O! What are you seeking?
And where are you making?
The faggots are reeking,
The bannocks are baking!
O! Tril-lil-lil-lolly
The valley is jolly,
Ha! Ha!"

Your sensitivity on the matter of sexual orientations is admirable. A lesser man might have chosen the blatantly heterosexual Richard Harris to portray Gandalf, rather than the increasingly lispy and wispy Sir Ian McKellan, who has been known for years in cinema circles as "The Man Who Would Be Queen."

It is mandatory that you edit out any and all depictions of weapons as an appropriate means of solving problems. Arrows, swords, and axes can be digitally replaced by long-stemmed roses, soup ladles, and tennis racquets. The protagonists should be shown settling their disputes amicably, through sensitivity training that enables them to empathize with the so-called "enemy" and admit that the supposed conflict is merely the result of profound cultural, political, and religious intolerance. It is imperative that respect should be shown for the variant lifestyles, opinions, and values of Mordor.

The depiction of Sauron presents many problems:

The racist slur "Dark Lord" is out. "Melanin-Enhanced Authority Figure" or "Potentate of Color" would be good choices. Likewise, the Nazgl must never be referred to as "Black Riders." "Ebony Equestrians" has a nice 'ring' to it, if you'll excuse the pun.

We should applaud Sauron's ability to overcome his disabilities, all the while struggling with a severe lack of elf-esteem. No undue attention should be paid to Sauron's physical challenges (a single big red eye, chronic insomnia, missing finger.) On the other hand (the one with all its fingers, presumably), Sauron must be portrayed in a slightly critical light, along with Saruman, for displaying a callous disregard toward the delicate ecology of Middle Earth. The Ent-vironmental Activists of Fangorn Forest can provide a moral focus for these issues (we must be careful, however, not to present them as mere stick figures.) The search for the entwives should be given a happy ending, when Treebeard is reunited with his beloved Treehugger, and they pollenate happily ever after, covered in spotted-owl dung.

It should not be implied that the Orcs and Uruk-Hai are an inferior race to the Elves. As enslaved peoples, the Orco-Earthians plainly have a nobility of spirit and a rich cultural heritage which merits considerable reparations from Elvenkind, perhaps a program of subsidized housing with a lifetime supply of Waybread Stamps, or least 40 acres and a Balrog.

These are only a few of the many changes that right-thinking people would like to see made in this fine family film. We eagerly await your compliance.

Very truly yours,
P.C. Bowdler



 

Linflas

Lifer
Jan 30, 2001
15,395
78
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This parody is copyright 1996-2001 Americhrist Ltd. All rights reserved.
I guess you missed that at the bottom of the Landover Baptist Church site.
rolleye.gif
 

Red Dawn

Elite Member
Jun 4, 2001
57,529
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Originally posted by: Linflas
This parody is copyright 1996-2001 Americhrist Ltd. All rights reserved.
I guess you missed that at the bottom of the Landover Baptist Church site.
rolleye.gif
Shhh!!! Don't let them know. It's much funnier if some of these people actually think it's real:)
 

MaxDepth

Diamond Member
Jun 12, 2001
8,757
43
91
Originally posted by: Linflas
This parody is copyright 1996-2001 Americhrist Ltd. All rights reserved.
I guess you missed that at the bottom of the Landover Baptist Church site.
rolleye.gif
You big dummy!

You should have put the big:

************************* WARNING! SPOILER AHEAD! *******************************

on your reply.
;)
 

Ketteringo

Banned
Feb 2, 2002
4,302
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The sad thing is, a bunch of soccer moms are going to email each other this link, not realize its fake, and prevent their kids from seeing this movie. Then in a couple years they can blame violent children and school shottings on this movie and also on video games. Then in another couple years their kids are going to come out as huge flamers and the parents will blame it on this movie, not realizing that their own lack of attention and sheer irresponsibility as adults caused their kids to become fruitier than Elton John.

Nature and nurture are both factors. Spend time with your kids. Play violent video games with them. Watch violent movies with them. TEACH them the difference between reality and entertainment.
 

MrMilney

Senior member
Aug 12, 2000
678
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Originally posted by: axiom
I want to say this story is satire. It has all the appeal of comedy.

I wasn't sure if this was satire or a seriously cooky right-wing wacko organization until I went to thier home page and saw the ad for the "What Would Jesus Do" thong underwear. :)
 

Maetryx

Diamond Member
Jan 18, 2001
4,849
1
81
Originally posted by: ANY5546
The sad thing is, a bunch of soccer moms are going to email each other this link, not realize its fake, and prevent their kids from seeing this movie.

This is so totally true. I saw this exact thing happen with The Onion's treatment of Harry Potter. I received it in my Inbox from a church lady warning us all how that Rowling was a Satan worshipping witch.

 
Jan 31, 2002
40,819
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Originally posted by: Maetryx
Originally posted by: ANY5546
The sad thing is, a bunch of soccer moms are going to email each other this link, not realize its fake, and prevent their kids from seeing this movie.

This is so totally true. I saw this exact thing happen with The Onion's treatment of Harry Potter. I received it in my Inbox from a church lady warning us all how that Rowling was a Satan worshipping witch.

Beaten to the concurrence. ANY5546 and Maetryx are both dead on here. I'm sure you all remember the crap surrounding stuff like BonsaiKitten. That blew out of proportion almost instantly. :|

Originally posted by: MrMilney
I wasn't sure if this was satire or a seriously cooky right-wing wacko organization until I went to thier home page and saw the ad for the "What Would Jesus Do" thong underwear. :)

Shouldn't that be "Who Would Jesus Do?" :D

Either way, this thread's Skoorb Effect potential has been defused by Linflas. :( Sigh.

- M4H
 

rpc64

Platinum Member
Jan 5, 2002
2,135
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LoL it is Soooooo obvious that site is a joke. I mean even before I saw the WWJD thong.