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YAR(elationship)T: Do you think it's important to have separate friends?

D

Descartes

Lifer
By that I simply mean that your significant other has friends that aren't necessarily your friends. I think it's perfectly normal to "adopt" (didn't know another word) friends of your SO, but that's not always the case. I don't think one should have to be friends with the SO's friends, and in fact I would often prefer that not to be the case.

Just wanted to hear some thoughts around this topic.
 
Originally posted by: MercenaryForHire
I'd think it best to have both mutual and individual friends.

- M4H
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Agreed. Otherwise, if (when) you break up after being together for years, you will find yourself quite alone for a while until you can make new friends.
 
In a relationship, I tend to think there should be 3 groups of friends: Your friends, her friends, and the mixed friends.

It's not that you have to keep "your friends" completely firewalled from your significant other, but, frankly, it's good to have a set of people to bitch to about the S.O. should the need arise. And those people should have little opportunity to interact with your S.O. to minimize the chance of word slipping out about your bitching.

Then of course there's the fact that some of your friends will undoubtably be annoying to you, and vice versa.
 
If you don't become friends with her friends, it eventually turns into you vs. them as far as her priorities go. Also people rely on the advice of their friends and if you're the jackass boyfriend to her friends, then they will give her advice without thinking about you at all or maybe even thinking on how to get rid of you. Sounds paranoid but I just got out of a relationship where my ex started hanging out with some people while I was working full time, I never got involved and before I knew it she was a totally different person.

edit: not that you need to be best friends, you just need to know them and not have it so she is always hanging out with them without you. Be around sometimes when she is with her friends, every once and awhile is alright.
 
Originally posted by: yllus
In a relationship, I tend to think there should be 3 groups of friends: Your friends, her friends, and the mixed friends.

It's not that you have to keep "your friends" completely firewalled from your significant other, but, frankly, it's good to have a set of people to bitch to about the S.O. should the need arise. And those people should have little opportunity to interact with your S.O. to minimize the chance of word slipping out about your bitching.

Then of course there's the fact that some of your friends will undoubtably be annoying to you, and vice versa.
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:thumbsup:
 
Originally posted by: yllus
In a relationship, I tend to think there should be 3 groups of friends: Your friends, her friends, and the mixed friends.

It's not that you have to keep "your friends" completely firewalled from your significant other, but, frankly, it's good to have a set of people to bitch to about the S.O. should the need arise. And those people should have little opportunity to interact with your S.O. to minimize the chance of word slipping out about your bitching.

Then of course there's the fact that some of your friends will undoubtably be annoying to you, and vice versa.
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I don't think its right to bitch about your SO to anyone but your SO, especially if the people you're bitching to never have any contact with her. That paints a distorted picture of her and eventually puts you into a group of friends who agree with your bitching because after all the bad things she has apparently done, she must be a real bitch. But really they only hear the worst of it and don't know her very well themselves.

This is what happened to me. I found out my ex was saying stuff to her friends (some of which were mutual) how much of a jerk I was for different reasons. She never told me any of these things, which were mostly little things, so how were we supposed to resolve anything? I had a joke Myspace account I'd bug her with and I go there and see her saying that I'm being a jerk that day or something, when I had no idea she was mad at me. It finally fell apart when she got a very separate group of friends who I imagine had nothing but a negative view of me.

That's just my 2 cents.. I never seriously complain about my SO to anyone but her. It isn't fair to someone to talk behind their back without a chance to fix the problem or even realize it exists. After that experience if I ever hear about a girlfriend talking behind my back she gets dumped on the spot. It is impossible to deal with someone who does that.
 
I think that the couples with the longest lasting marriages are those that basically lead largely separate lives.
 
Originally posted by: yllus
In a relationship, I tend to think there should be 3 groups of friends: Your friends, her friends, and the mixed friends.

It's not that you have to keep "your friends" completely firewalled from your significant other, but, frankly, it's good to have a set of people to bitch to about the S.O. should the need arise. And those people should have little opportunity to interact with your S.O. to minimize the chance of word slipping out about your bitching.

Then of course there's the fact that some of your friends will undoubtably be annoying to you, and vice versa.
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She's friendly with my friends, but not exactly friends. All of her friends are from the same country and speak her language (I don't), so she has an automatic rapport with her friends. I'm always the odd man out, but I think that's perfectly ok; I also think it's perfectly ok for me to not try (or want) and inject myself into their group, because I see no reason for them to accommodate me. There's little worse than being in a group of people where everyone else has a history, and you're the one sitting there with a fake grin on your face.

IMO
 
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
I think that the couples with the longest lasting marriages are those that basically lead largely separate lives.
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Not true in my experience. In looking at the group of people I know with 20-40 year marriages, they share life, friends, hobbies and experiences. However, they also don't tend to get whiney if one has interests the other doesn't want to participate in.

I think having shared friends is important. Some may be more his or more hers, but the friends should never be totally isolated from the S.O.
 
Originally posted by: HotChic
Originally posted by: Geekbabe
I think that the couples with the longest lasting marriages are those that basically lead largely separate lives.
Click to expand...

Not true in my experience. In looking at the group of people I know with 20-40 year marriages, they share life, friends, hobbies and experiences. However, they also don't tend to get whiney if one has interests the other doesn't want to participate in.

I think having shared friends is important. Some may be more his or more hers, but the friends should never be totally isolated from the S.O.
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It works either way. Whether your friends are mutual or separate is rarely the determining factor in a successful marriage. Your partner should not hate your friends or vice versa, but as long as they get along when they have to interact it's personal preference.
 
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