YAGT (Sorta): How do you get shot down gracefully?

Cerpin Taxt

Lifer
Feb 23, 2005
11,943
541
126
It would seem to me that the average guy would be less intimidated by the prospect of approaching a woman and communicating his romantic interests if he were less fearful of the most probable outcome: rejection.

It's true that when we're rejected it causes an emotional pang, and in a casual scenario that can leave a person feeling humiliation and embarrassment. I think it would hurt less so, however, if we men were a bit better prepared for the acceptance of the rejection along the lines of knowing what to say and how to act in order to preserve a modicum of dignity.

So, what strategies can you suggest for fielding rejections? Do you simply say "thanks," and slink away? Or do you say "that's okay," and add some type of humorous remark or something? Are there different ways to frame your initial proposition to the female that can set you up for a softer rejection? Or would doing that just make your undesirable fate more certain?

Discuss.
 

Aikouka

Lifer
Nov 27, 2001
30,383
912
126
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and it won't be so dangerous when it crumbles.
 

apac

Diamond Member
Apr 12, 2003
6,212
0
71
Originally posted by: Aikouka
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and it won't be so dangerous when it crumbles.

Yup. If you don't raise your expectations too high to begin with, you won't be very let down if it doesn't go well.
 

paulxcook

Diamond Member
May 1, 2005
4,277
1
0
I didn't get shot down all that much prior to getting married, so maybe I'm not the best guy to answer, but I would say that the best way to not feel too embarrassed or stupid is to not invest too much in the request. That means probably asking more women out, and getting shot down more, I guess. If you get all sweaty-palmed and think "please say yes please say yes OMG" the whole time, she will notice your weird lack of confidence which makes it MORE likely she'll say no thanks, or just no. If you just smile and stay casual about it, inside and outside, you'll present yourself better AND you'll feel better if she still says no.
 

Cerpin Taxt

Lifer
Feb 23, 2005
11,943
541
126
Originally posted by: Aikouka
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and it won't be so dangerous when it crumbles.

That makes sense, but I guess what I'm asking is for responses in terms of specific behavior when you're right there in the moment of rejection. If you've managed not to build up the prospect to highly in your mind, how does that make you respond/behave when she says "no"?

I suppose a lot of it would have to do with the MANNER in which you are rejected.

(those are all general "you's" BTW, I don't necessarily mean you personally)
 

IceBergSLiM

Lifer
Jul 11, 2000
29,933
3
81
fear of rejections is due to your precious ego. OMG not every girl wants me :shock; The answer to this dilemma must come from inside you, you need to figure out why its important for you to be accepted by a total stranger and to actually feel hurt when u are not accepted .

To me.....the idea of a girl rejecting me is so friggin ridiculous that when it happens I typically get a good laugh out of it, I am almost thankful she showed her colors up front. I mean how f-ing crazy would she have to be to reject me before knowing me....wow what a loss for her.....next!!!!
 

IceBergSLiM

Lifer
Jul 11, 2000
29,933
3
81
Originally posted by: Garth
Originally posted by: Aikouka
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and it won't be so dangerous when it crumbles.

That makes sense, but I guess what I'm asking is for responses in terms of specific behavior when you're right there in the moment of rejection. If you've managed not to build up the prospect to highly in your mind, how does that make you respond/behave when she says "no"?

I suppose a lot of it would have to do with the MANNER in which you are rejected.

(those are all general "you's" BTW, I don't necessarily mean you personally)

Give me a specific scenario and I'll tell you an acceptable way to respond while saving face.
 

DaShen

Lifer
Dec 1, 2000
10,710
1
0
Bow out gracefully -- Make sure they know no hard feelings, and give it time. If they want to talk, talk to them, even be friends if the situation allows, if they don't want to talk, then back away and move on with your life. There is a chance afterwards, that they will realize they made a mistake, there is a chance nothing will come of it. No big deal either way because if you are the type of guy who worries about this stuff (about not being an ass after being rejected), then chances are any girl that you get with will be lucky. :) Good luck to you.
 

Cerpin Taxt

Lifer
Feb 23, 2005
11,943
541
126
Here's a scenario:

There's a cute girl at the coffee shop you frequent. You two have chatted a few times, but she doesn't even know your name unless she's gone so far as to look for it on the CC receipt or something.

One day you ask her if she'd like to do something on the weekend. She responds by telling you that she has a boyfriend.

You say... what?

"Ah, that's too bad. He's a lucky guy" I like that one.

What else might one say?
 

Riverhound777

Diamond Member
Aug 13, 2003
3,363
61
91
Sorry but that isn't how it works. If you go up to a women acting like a wuss so she wont be hard on you, sure she wont be hard on you, but she sure as hell you be attracted to you either. None of this: "So uhh if your not doing anything later, do you uhh, want to have dinner maybe? If not thats cool too, no biggie" Sure she isn't going to break your heart when she turns you down, but she WILL TURN YOU DOWN.

Take charge, be a man. You might get shot down hard sometimes, but when you do, at least you have your dignity. The guy above me says "your loss, bitch". Well really, that is how you need to think. Don't actually say that, but think it in your mind. It really is her loss, so move on to someone more deserving.
 

DaShen

Lifer
Dec 1, 2000
10,710
1
0
Originally posted by: Aikouka
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and it won't be so dangerous when it crumbles.

That is good advice. Guys need to watch out for tunnel vision. Once that happens, rejection and the incoming emotional rollercoaster afterwards is bad.
 

Geocentricity

Senior member
Sep 13, 2006
791
0
0
I got you beat, I was shot down this summer reason being she " was interested in another 'guy' back where she lived". A day later i found out that other 'guy' was actually in the same summer internship program we were all in. A month later, I realize she and another girl were hold hands, crying... visiting the bathroom with hands together.

Rejected by a straight girl is one thing, but what about when you get shot down by a girl that won't come clean and say she's a donut bumper? :confused:
 

IceBergSLiM

Lifer
Jul 11, 2000
29,933
3
81
Originally posted by: Garth
Here's a scenario:

There's a cute girl at the coffee shop you frequent. You two have chatted a few times, but she doesn't even know your name unless she's gone so far as to look for it on the CC receipt or something.

One day you ask her if she'd like to do something on the weekend. She responds by telling you that she has a boyfriend.

You say... what?

"Ah, that's too bad. He's a lucky guy" I like that one.

What else might one say?

whoa whoa whoa.....slow down, I just met you!

or

thats ok because I have a girlfriend also but you seem like you would make a cool friend

Something along those lines. Take what she says and flip it around so its a po sitive thing or make it seem like she is coming onto you.

EDIT: chances are that girl doesn't really have a boyfriend but didn't feel comfortable enough or attracted enough. Maybe exchanging phone numbers would have been a safer move.
 

paulxcook

Diamond Member
May 1, 2005
4,277
1
0
Originally posted by: Garth
Originally posted by: Aikouka
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and it won't be so dangerous when it crumbles.

That makes sense, but I guess what I'm asking is for responses in terms of specific behavior when you're right there in the moment of rejection. If you've managed not to build up the prospect to highly in your mind, how does that make you respond/behave when she says "no"?

I suppose a lot of it would have to do with the MANNER in which you are rejected.

(those are all general "you's" BTW, I don't necessarily mean you personally)

The fact that you're thinking this hard about it means you don't have the right mindset to get shot down the way you want to get shot down. Don't think of the exact way to act if she says no. Just expect she'll say yes.
 

anxi80

Lifer
Jul 7, 2002
12,295
2
0
guy: hey, would you like to dance?
girl: no thank you.
guy: oh im sorry, i think you misunderstood me. i said you look fat in those pants!
 

DaShen

Lifer
Dec 1, 2000
10,710
1
0
Originally posted by: paulxcook
Originally posted by: Garth
Originally posted by: Aikouka
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and it won't be so dangerous when it crumbles.

That makes sense, but I guess what I'm asking is for responses in terms of specific behavior when you're right there in the moment of rejection. If you've managed not to build up the prospect to highly in your mind, how does that make you respond/behave when she says "no"?

I suppose a lot of it would have to do with the MANNER in which you are rejected.

(those are all general "you's" BTW, I don't necessarily mean you personally)

The fact that you're thinking this hard about it means you don't have the right mindset to get shot down the way you want to get shot down. Don't think of the exact way to act if she says no. Just expect she'll say yes.

IMO, Bad advice dude. The real advice is don't expect anything. If she says yes, great. If she says no, no problem. Expectations will only lead to trouble. Don't worry about it either way. I mean, you can be the guy who bows out gracefully, without being the insecure guy who worries a lot about it. (it has happened to me) :(
 

Cerpin Taxt

Lifer
Feb 23, 2005
11,943
541
126
Originally posted by: paulxcook
Originally posted by: Garth
Originally posted by: Aikouka
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and it won't be so dangerous when it crumbles.

That makes sense, but I guess what I'm asking is for responses in terms of specific behavior when you're right there in the moment of rejection. If you've managed not to build up the prospect to highly in your mind, how does that make you respond/behave when she says "no"?

I suppose a lot of it would have to do with the MANNER in which you are rejected.

(those are all general "you's" BTW, I don't necessarily mean you personally)

The fact that you're thinking this hard about it means you don't have the right mindset to get shot down the way you want to get shot down. Don't think of the exact way to act if she says no. Just expect she'll say yes.

Despite what you may think, I didn't really create this thread for self-help, per se. I've never really had girl troubles, and I currently have a wonderful girlfriend. It was just an interesting thought that I had and wanted to flesh out in a thread on the forums.

Still, your general point is good. Thinking about things too hard is a good way to trip yourself up. It may foul up your delivery and make you sound unnatural or rehearsed. I suppose once a guy has the confidence to actually approach a woman without fear, he won't have to ask questions like the one in my OP.
 

wheresmybacon

Diamond Member
Sep 10, 2004
3,899
0
76
Originally posted by: Garth
It would seem to me that the average guy would be less intimidated by the prospect of approaching a woman and communicating his romantic interests if he were less fearful of the most probable outcome: rejection.

It's true that when we're rejected it causes an emotional pang, and in a casual scenario that can leave a person feeling humiliation and embarrassment. I think it would hurt less so, however, if we men were a bit better prepared for the acceptance of the rejection along the lines of knowing what to say and how to act in order to preserve a modicum of dignity.

So, what strategies can you suggest for fielding rejections? Do you simply say "thanks," and slink away? Or do you say "that's okay," and add some type of humorous remark or something? Are there different ways to frame your initial proposition to the female that can set you up for a softer rejection? Or would doing that just make your undesirable fate more certain?

Discuss.
How you take a rejection and the relative hurt of said rejection depends entirely upon the context of your relationship, or lack thereof, with the female in question. Getting turned down by a cute stranger for her number is nothing compared to getting dissed by a longtime crush you know personally.

My only strategy for fielding rejection is to take it easy on yourself; it's not that big of deal. You'll have some hits and you'll have some missus (pun intended). After you get some years under your belt and more life experience, you begin to see how inconsequential not getting a date with some chick is.

Keep improving yourself everyday, in some way, and you'll eventually have the confidence to shrug off just about anything.
 

paulxcook

Diamond Member
May 1, 2005
4,277
1
0
Originally posted by: DaShen
Originally posted by: paulxcook
Originally posted by: Garth
Originally posted by: Aikouka
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill and it won't be so dangerous when it crumbles.

That makes sense, but I guess what I'm asking is for responses in terms of specific behavior when you're right there in the moment of rejection. If you've managed not to build up the prospect to highly in your mind, how does that make you respond/behave when she says "no"?

I suppose a lot of it would have to do with the MANNER in which you are rejected.

(those are all general "you's" BTW, I don't necessarily mean you personally)

The fact that you're thinking this hard about it means you don't have the right mindset to get shot down the way you want to get shot down. Don't think of the exact way to act if she says no. Just expect she'll say yes.

IMO, Bad advice dude. The real advice is don't expect anything. If she says yes, great. If she says no, no problem. Expectations will only lead to trouble. Don't worry about it either way. I mean, you can be the guy who bows out gracefully, without being the insecure guy who worries a lot about it. (it has happened to me) :(

Ok, fair I guess. The main point is to not get too worked up over any of it. If you walk up thinking about how you'll handle failure, you're setting yourself up for... failure.
 

SViper

Senior member
Feb 17, 2005
828
0
76
Originally posted by: Garth
Here's a scenario:

There's a cute girl at the coffee shop you frequent. You two have chatted a few times, but she doesn't even know your name unless she's gone so far as to look for it on the CC receipt or something.

One day you ask her if she'd like to do something on the weekend. She responds by telling you that she has a boyfriend.

You say... what?

"Ah, that's too bad. He's a lucky guy" I like that one.

What else might one say?

I was in a very similar scenario with a girl once before. When she pulled the boyfriend card out, I responded, "That's cool. You have someone to go home to when we aren't out having fun." She gave me her number after that. Nothing came of that relationship, but we became friends after that.

You have to go into it without any expectations. If you get shot down, just remember that there are 3 billion other women in the world. Not everyone of them is going to like you.
 

PricklyPete

Lifer
Sep 17, 2002
14,714
164
106
If you ask with confidence...and then when you get turned down...act like you really don't care (don't be smug...just act like its not big deal), they are 100% more likely to be interested in you.

Example:

I was in college and asked a girl I had just met a few days earlier out for some coffee. She mentioned that she had a boyfriend and couldn't. I said that it was cool, if she was ever up for hanging out as friends just let me know. Less than a month later she had broken up with her boyfriend and we went out for that cup of coffee and started dating not long after (for the summer...I never dated during the school year...that wouldn't be any fun...too many girls around to just settle on one).