YAGT: Somone slap some sense into me

Metalloid

Diamond Member
Jan 18, 2002
3,064
0
0
I know I'm being stupid about this, so please be my logical side and slap some sense into me.

Summary of relationship:

She's a 2nd year pre-architecture/graphic design/no idea what she is doing. She wanted to do architecture but couldn't cut it mathmatically (struggled in both calc 1 and non-calc based physics), so she really isn't sure what she is doing now.

I'm a 3rd year computer engineer, looking to go into patent law. We've been dating 7 months, and have had mild problems since about a month into it. Even before we started dating I had questions about whether or not we would work well, because she seemed a bit too shy and dependent, and I like my girlfriends to have a life of their own. I liked her for a few months before we started dating, but she was in a BAD relationship and took a while getting out of it. We started dating pretty much as soon as they broke up.

We lived 3 hours away over the summer and saw each other once every 2-3 weeks. It was annoying, but tolerable. I took it easier than she did because I was working 55 hours a week as opposed to the 20 she was putting in. I also have 3-4 very close friends in my home town, whereas she only has 1, so I was constantly busy and she sat around thinking about me all day. Things were great once we got back to school. We spent a lot of time together, but I eventually began to realize she had literally 0 friends outside of me. Anyone she hung out with was either a friend of mine, or at best a mutual friend (and it was genereally the former).

The initial fire died down (for me at least), and I began to realize that all of the deep connections I thought we had were gone. We used to have great conversations (before we started dating), but I'm now certain those were entirely fueled by me. All of our common hobbies were things she had learned from me, except for our mutual love for tennis. I taught her golf, and she claims to like it, though I doubt if she would continue to play if we broke up. She started coming to church with me, and she likes that, but I'm not sure if she would keep coming if we broke up. She claims she would, and I really hope that is true, but it's very difficult to tell sometimes. Basically, our entire social life was fueled by things I like to do. Her other proclaimed hobbies include photography and art, but even when she was alone over the summer she hardly spent any time in them. It was as if her entire life was devoted to me and what I wanted to do, and I cannot stand that. She is far more attached to me than I am to her, and that always spells trouble.

I broke up with her a month or so ago, and was confident in my decision for a while, though I still had feelings for her. She was crushed, and did the usual girl thing of refusing to eat for a few days. Rather than trying to move on she just obsessed over me and started spending time hanging out with my more personal friends who I introduced her to. I was happy that they got along, and she made the claim that she can be friends with whomever she wants, but a week after we broke up I didn't really want her barging back into my social life so quickly. If she had so many other friends as she claimed, she should have hung out with them, rather than attaching herself to my best friend's gf and my roomate's gf. I felt very down for a bit, and thought of her constantly. I decided I needed to give it another shot or I wouldn't be able to live without knowing what could have been. We were fine for a week and a half or so, and made plans to spend Christmas with both of our families, but a few days before exams were over I started to get sick of her again. I just don't feel the desire to spend time with her. I'm not as attracted to her as I once was, and can't help but feel that there are so many other girls out there who I would like to meet. Now we are here early Christmas morning, she is asleep in the other room of my parents' house and I am stuck trying to not give it away that I'm basically planning to break up with her as soon as the holidays are over. I didn't want to do anything too quickly and cancel our Christmas plans, but I really wish I had now. I just don't see myself lasting until the end of the next semester, let alone spending my entire life with her.

Pro's of our relationship:
She is very respectful, sweet, and caring
Similar morals, religious beliefs
My family likes her
My friends think she is nice (though far too shy)
Similar interests (mostly things I have taught her)
Similar tastes (she basically adapted to my style of music, movies, and clothing)

Con's:
Severe intellectual differences (maybe.... 20 IQ points?... just a guess). It's enough to effect the way we communicate, and also leads to the next problem:

I don't respect her opinion much, which isn't fair to her. I've become very dominant in our relationship, which isn't what I want. I know I am a slightly dominant person by nature, and I love being in control of my OWN life, but I feel that I need someone who can fight back and stand up to me if I am wrong. I don't want to control her life, yet she is passive and seems to prefer that I handle everything.

Dwindling physical attraction

Her family.... sucks. She doesn't like them. I don't like them. They are jealous of how strong her feelings for me are. It's basically a disaster, and I am dreading seeing them tomorrow. Her passiveness also makes itself known here, as she finds it incredibly difficult to stand up to them when they are being beyond ridiculous.... and Lord knows I am not going to fight her battles for her. I made that mistake with a previous gf and it was ugly.

Social differences may be the biggest problem. I'm very outgoing and friendly, and love to meet new people. She is very reserved and shy, and I almost feel guilty when I introduce her to people. I can just tell she is scared. She is even quiet around my closest friends whom she has met 20+ times
..... and I just don't enjoy spending time with her anymore



I can tell just by writing this that I'm staying with her out of guilt..... and possibly fear of being single again. It's so free and wonderful, but it can also be a bit scary. I'm so picky about who I date, I'm afraid one day I'll just have to settle for someone who isn't ideal. Maybe that's what love is all about???? I can't stand the thought of hurting her, but I don't feel like I can force myself to love her (nor would I really want to if I could)

Someone give it to me straight.....
 

imported_vr6

Platinum Member
Jul 6, 2001
2,740
0
0
i had ex's that were exactly the same.

i was their one and only social outlet and it sucked.

i don't know what to tell you, it would be rough for her if you boot her on xmas day, but its not fair thats shes practically dating a "shell".

either way good luck.
 

Chaotic42

Lifer
Jun 15, 2001
33,932
1,113
126
Dump her. If you dislike being with her as much as your post makes it seem that you do, you owe it to her and to yourself to dump her. This has to be it, though. You cannot string her along, you can't talk to her, you have to be completely done. I've had friends string girls along before, and it's always a bad thing.
 

I Saw OJ

Diamond Member
Dec 13, 2004
4,923
2
76
Just end it with her already, its pretty clear that you no longer want to be involved with her anymore so its not fair to yourself or to her to continue.
 

animalia

Banned
Dec 15, 2006
792
0
0
Originally posted by: Metalloid
I'm afraid one day I'll just have to settle for someone who isn't ideal. Maybe that's what love is all about???? I
Someone give it to me straight.....

Just pray and listen to God and your heart. Eventually you will be able to answer that question. I think love is about giving yourself to another person and becoming one with that person. If you don't see that happenening with a certain girl than it's probably not going to work. That's just my opinion. I am wrong most of the time. That's my straight up answer.
 

gotsmack

Diamond Member
Mar 4, 2001
5,768
0
71
It won't work if you don't respect her.

and don't marry an idiot, even is shes super hot, because then you'll have idiot children.
 

animalia

Banned
Dec 15, 2006
792
0
0
Originally posted by: gotsmack
It won't work if you don't respect her.

and don't marry an idiot, even is shes super hot, because then you'll have idiot children.

plenty of geniuses have idiot offspring and vice versa.
 

kmrivers

Golden Member
Oct 22, 2004
1,541
0
0
Yeah its time to end it man. No sense in sticking with her. I understand its hard. Being single again and what not. But you know whats best. And you sound like a great dude, so you wont have a problem getting back in.
 

dbk

Lifer
Apr 23, 2004
17,685
10
81
Maybe she's actually really good friends with those girls from your social group, which you understandably doubt. However, you can't really tell her to stay away from them. It sounds like you will just have to learn to deal with it. Unless, those girls are tired of her as well--in which case, you guys can decide as a group to shun her, so to speak.
 

Azraele

Elite Member
Nov 5, 2000
16,524
29
91
I think you summed things up pretty well yourself. Although she sounds like a wonderful person, she's not the right one for you. Break it off as gently as possible, and don't worry about being single. Things will happen in their own time.
 

xXped0thugXx

Golden Member
Feb 18, 2004
1,885
1
0
Dont force anything, like you said you cant force yourself to love or even like this girl. And it seems you consider her feelings and emotions by saying its not fair to her, this and that. So do the right thing and send her on her way, just wait till after the holidays if you respect her at all.


Or you could break up with her, after all its your holiday too and why should it be ruined.
 

SmoochyTX

Lifer
Apr 19, 2003
13,615
0
0
Originally posted by: Metalloid
Originally posted by: SmoochyTX
Give me a call. :)

Texas is a loooong way from me....

But if you care to PM me and exchange pics I'm game

Never hurts to look ;)
Um, I was joking and executed it badly. :eek:

But yeah, it sounds like you're not happy with her. You should move on for both of your sakes.
 

BillyBatson

Diamond Member
May 13, 2001
5,715
1
0
Dwindling physical attraction
?????

it sounds like you shouldn't be with her man. the cons seem to WAY outway the pro's. the pro's just sound like average thigns you find in even the most basic of friends and can easily be replaced with a friend or another girl.
the con's seem much harsher and harder to overcome. I am not sure if it is guilt that has caused you to stay with her but the problems aren't going to go away. a lot of the things you complained about aren't things that will go away unless she makes a drastic personality chance which is 1) nearly impossible and very improbable and 2) would you even want her to chance? it wouldn't be fair for her if you expected her to change and waiting around hopeing she might chance is not right for either of you.

not telling you to leave her just trying to point out the things you yourself mentioned. it sounds like you already know what you want to do but you just aren't doing it for some reason. find out your reason for not doing what your heart and mind are already telling you, it seems like there is more there than you are revealing to yourself
 

Metalloid

Diamond Member
Jan 18, 2002
3,064
0
0
Originally posted by: SmoochyTX
Originally posted by: Metalloid
Originally posted by: SmoochyTX
Give me a call. :)

Texas is a loooong way from me....

But if you care to PM me and exchange pics I'm game

Never hurts to look ;)
Um, I was joking and executed it badly. :eek:

But yeah, it sounds like you're not happy with her. You should move on for both of your sakes.

You big tease....
 
Jun 19, 2004
10,860
1
81
Originally posted by: Metalloid
Originally posted by: SmoochyTX
Originally posted by: Metalloid
Originally posted by: SmoochyTX
Give me a call. :)

Texas is a loooong way from me....

But if you care to PM me and exchange pics I'm game

Never hurts to look ;)
Um, I was joking and executed it badly. :eek:

But yeah, it sounds like you're not happy with her. You should move on for both of your sakes.

You big tease....



Crash and burn....
 

Kadarin

Lifer
Nov 23, 2001
44,296
15
81
Originally posted by: animalia
Originally posted by: gotsmack
It won't work if you don't respect her.

and don't marry an idiot, even is shes super hot, because then you'll have idiot children.

plenty of geniuses have idiot offspring and vice versa.

That's no reason to deliberately stack the deck against you.

IMO: The OP no longer clicks with his g/f, and it sounds to me like it just won't work out. Perhaps it is time to let the relationship go and allow both people to move on to better pastures.