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YAGT POLL: Which is preferable - to love or to be loved

T

torpid

Lifer
Over the years I've dated people that I liked who didn't like me as much, and people who liked me more than I liked them. I say like instead of "attracted to" because it is not necessarily always a physical thing (in the cases mentioned below it wasn't).

I've always assumed it's better to like the other person more, because at least you are striving towards a goal you actually want to attain.

But this past year, I've been in both situations and am now reflecting back on which was more rewarding. Even though I never saw a real future and wanted to end it as it stretched on, I still got more enjoyment out of being the one who is liked more as a final result. Early on, the experience was about equal. As time wore on and things slowly turned sour, I found myself less stressed and more free in the relationship where I was more adored.

It sounds misogynistic(sp?) but I liked the feeling of power and control, where I could mess up and not have to worry about it, be a bit crabby one day, and just be myself in general (save for the unspoken negative comments). In the other relationship, I was always trying to have everything work out perfectly. Perfect shirt, perfect restaurant, just so she would get maximum enjoyment. Always trying to get her to respond positively. It was too much anxiety and phoney behavior, even though I enjoyed her presence more.

Which situation do you prefer? Am I jaded for preferring to be adored?
 
Originally posted by: gigapet
think yin and yang.......balance is required for any relationship sexual or otherwise.
Click to expand...

No kidding. I'm not talking about a "good" relationship here. Just found it interesting that in the end I preferred to be in one where there was little hope for a future and where I only moderately enjoyed myself.
 
It is easier to be liked more, but that is selfish and ultimately not as rewarding as mutual respect and attraction, which I think is a more mature relationship.
 
Originally posted by: torpid
Originally posted by: gigapet
think yin and yang.......balance is required for any relationship sexual or otherwise.
Click to expand...

No kidding. I'm not talking about a "good" relationship here. Just found it interesting that in the end I preferred to be in one where there was little hope for a future and where I only moderately enjoyed myself.
Click to expand...

well obviously the person who is into the the other person more is open to be hurt....so clearly you want to avoid being that person.
 
It's so hard to see someone you really care about feeling unsatisfied. To have someone love you whom you don't love is a horrible thing. You want to help, you want to make them feel better, but you just don't feel the same way. It sucks.

I'd much rather love someone who doesn't care or know, than it be the other way around.
 
I do not know, I think when I really like a girl, and she kind of likes me or is indifferent, it makes me want to try harder, and it make the relationship more fun. Of course, what I am trying harder at is an equal sharing intimate relationship, like gigapet said ying and yang.

But, when a girl likes me more than I like her (especially if she is hot) it may seem pretty cool at first, but then for some reason it sort of becomes a turn off, maybe because society does not allow for females to actively seek their mates.

All I know is the best relationships I have had have come from me seeing a girl I like, becoming firends with her, she does not really like me, I make some romantic moves, try like crazy, she begins to like me, and from there a happy relationship. Maybe its the type of girls who do what? Maybe I just like hard to get women?
 
I'm currently in a relationship where I definitely like and need my s.o. more. While I'm the type of person who likes to do things for people and make them smile. At the end of the day...it's really unsatisfying knowing that the other person just doesn't like you enough to really appreciate all that you've done.

So although the ideal relationship is mutal respect and attraction..it's definitely easier to be the "liked" instead of the "likee". You don't have to be disappointed when they don't notice/care when you do nice things...and you don't have to worry and constantly think of new or better ways to please them while knowing that no matter what you do maybe it's just not enough.
 
It's hard to deal with either extreme, but if a power imbalance exists I'd very much like it to be in my favor. I can live with guilt at leading the other person on. Unrequited love, on the other hand, can be positively nerve-wracking.
 
All of my relationships so far have been lopsided (I loved more than I ever got back). Long term, I've got to think that is the most frustrating and difficult possible combination.

Me : Her
[*]No love : No love. This one is easy. Get out and find another woman.

[*]Love : Love. This one is easy. Enjoy it while it lasts.

[*]Love : No love. Aaarrrrgggg. So miserable to be in this situation. I tollerated it for ~3 years with my ex-wife. It eventually made me insane. There is nothing more frustrating than loving someone and doing everything you can to make the relationship better and getting a cold shoulder in return. The constant wanting something that is just out of your reach while others taunt you with it is too much to handle. That is why she is the EX-wife. Now, I'm 8 months into a great relationship with my GF and I see it developing again. 🙁 I'll give it just a little more time then I may have to bail.

[*]No love : Love. While I haven't been there, I can see it as being ok short term. You are with someone you enjoy and she is doing everything she can to please you. Short term that must be wonderful. Long term, without love, I'd move on eventually without being too hurt.
 
Originally posted by: gigapet
think yin and yang.......balance is required for any relationship sexual or otherwise.
Click to expand...

my opposing argument is that there is no such thing as "balance" or "equality" because there is no objective truth, besides emperical data, and thus nothing can be adequately qualified as balanced. the quest in life is to attain a balance in life.
 
Originally posted by: gigapet
Originally posted by: torpid
Originally posted by: gigapet
think yin and yang.......balance is required for any relationship sexual or otherwise.
Click to expand...

No kidding. I'm not talking about a "good" relationship here. Just found it interesting that in the end I preferred to be in one where there was little hope for a future and where I only moderately enjoyed myself.
Click to expand...

well obviously the person who is into the the other person more is open to be hurt....so clearly you want to avoid being that person.
Click to expand...

Not to mention the blowjobs.
 
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