YAGT: Need some womanly advice. Break it off now or later?

[ZaneNBK]

Well, I've been seeing someone for about five months now. She says she loves me (she's even said she'd marry me if I asked), and I thought I loved her at one time, but for the last month or so it's become obvious that I don't. I've been putting off the break up due to her going through a very stressfull time with school. She's finishing the last class of her post-grad degree and her final is coming up next week. She's pretty emotional so I decided to wait until after the final so as not to stress her out since she's been on the edge of failing that class the entire time.

The week after the final is her graduation, to which I'm invited of course. Afterwards there's a lunch, some parties, etc... My question is, do I tell her after the final and before the graduation and possibly ruin her graduation weekend or do I continue to basically lie to her until after the graduation? What would you prefer if you were in her position?

I dislike either choice, but unfortunately I can't force myself to feel more for her. I would if I could, I love being in a relationship and I am physically attracted to her. *sigh*

Yes, I know this isn't exactly the place to ask but I don't have any close female friends that I could ask about this.

Thanks.

 

[Zombie]

If the choice is between telling before final exam and telling before graduation then you should say it after the exam and before graduation. Who knows she will be so happy at the graduation that she wouldn't really be so emotional about the break-up.

 

[Aquaman]

Do it after all the festivities.

Let her have some fun.

Cheers,
Aquaman

 

[Lonyo]

Tell her after finals, so she manages to get through them OK, but before graduation.

2 reasons for telling her before graduation:
1) The happiness at graduating (as someone said)
2) Parties = chance to get in on with someone new (even if it's while drunk)

 

[rgwalt]

stick it out through graduation and through the parties. She deserves to have a good time. Afterwards, break it off. Don't tell her you've been planning it though...

Ryan

 

[TallBill]

yeah, do it after everything is over and done with.

 

[AstIsis]

I think you should have told her much sooner, but since you waited this long...tell her after finals and before graduation.

BTW..if you ever said that you loved her and now for some reason have decided that you do not...well :| How rude!

 

[ZaneNBK]

Originally posted by: AstIsis
I think you should have told her much sooner, but since you waited this long...tell her after finals and before graduation.

BTW..if you ever said that you loved her and now for some reason have decided that you do not...well :| How rude!

Ah. Forgive me for having made a mistake. I haven't had a girlfriend for years and I think it was hard for me to distinguish between the physical attraction and loving being in a relationship from actually being in love with her. It didn't help that she said it first. No, I didn't respond at that time, I spent a lot of time thinking about it over the following week or so. Evidentally I thought too much or not enough or something. *shrug*

 

[Zombie]

BTW..if you ever said that you loved her and now for some reason have decided that you do not...well :| How rude!

eh? Saying that you love her and breaking up are mutually exclusive. Nothing rude about it.

 

[AmerDoux]

You sound like a nice person and seem very concerned for her. Hopefully, the two of you can stay friends afterwards (it has been known to happen)

If you are thinking of waiting until after her finals, you may as well wait until after her graduation ceremony too.

Best of luck.

Edit: Nothing wrong with changing your mind about being in love with her. If it was otherwise, we'd all be married to our HS sweethearts!

 

[SuepaFly]

I suggest waiting until after both finals and graduation. The whole party scene leaves the potential for her making major mistakes which she may end up blaming you for. But one key thing, don't tell her that you have been wanting to break up for a while, I don't know if you can avoid it because she'll probably ask, but its kind of insulting to some people.

 

[AstIsis]

Originally posted by: Zombie

BTW..if you ever said that you loved her and now for some reason have decided that you do not...well :| How rude!

eh? Saying that you love her and breaking up are mutually exclusive. Nothing rude about it.

I was thinking much worse, but I am to nice to say it. I get tired of people throwing around the "I love you" phrase when they do not mean it or even know what it is all about.

As for them being mutually exclusive, you generally do not break up with someone you love. The idea is to love each other, stay together, and build a life.

He has now stated that he may not have been able to distinguish between love and lust. I can give him credit for realizing it before this goes any further.

 

[Lonyo]

At 16, it's always true love.

 

[Alienwho]

I was in the same situation last christmas. I was with her for about two months and one morning I woke up and just didn't feel a connection or attraction for her anymore. It was in December and I had the choice to stay with her over christmas vacation or break it off beforehand and save myself the stress of faking it infront of her family over the holidays and buying her a meaningless gift etc... I decided to break it off. The girl is a psychology major and thought she could read my mind and had all these little theories about why i broke up with her and what not. I'll tell you this though I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me the second I told her and got out of there.

 

[ZaneNBK]

Originally posted by: AstIsis
He has now stated that he may not have been able to distinguish between love and lust. I can give him credit for realizing it before this goes any further.

No, I said it may have been a combination of lust and loving being in a relationship. If it had just been lust I would've been able to figure that out easily enough.

Anyway, I find it interesting that you feel the need to be so judgemental, regardless of the situation. People make mistakes, always have always will. Luckily my mistake didn't make it to a wedding chapel in Vegas like most of them seem to.

 

[moonshinemadness]

Stick it out, let her at least have her graduation fun even if it is cut short.

 

[Lucky]

Tough call, but you need to make sure you do break it off. During my first year of college, I hooked up with a girl and it sorta transformed into a relationship that I didn't expect at the time. I grew to love her intensely but as college went by I found myself gradually feeling different about her. She had a lot of emotional problems and even threatened to kill herself or drop out of school if she ever lost me....so I kept putting off breaking up as to not hurt her. Eventually, we had this nasty codependence on each other even though we clearly had differences, and I started to cheat on her.

Dont go down this path. Its thoughtful that you would wait to put it off until after graduation but I've learned from personal experience that that waiting period can often stretch to far longer than originally intended.

As for them being mutually exclusive, you generally do not break up with someone you love. The idea is to love each other, stay together, and build a life.

I'm sorry but I dont agree with that. I loved my ex very dearly when I broke up with her-still do in some fashion and talk to her daily. But I realized that after four years....it was either sh*t or get off the pot to be fair to her, and I was neither ready to marry nor did I think she was the one I wanted to be with forever.

 

[ZaneNBK]

Thanks for the feedback guys. Most of you have re-inforced my original preference and I'm going to go with that. I'm going to wait until after the graduation weekend to break things off.