YAGT: My fault that she didn't arrange a ride home

[DaShen]

Originally posted by: apac

Originally posted by: Tizyler
Well, I'm back... I can't believe I missed so much

I realize that most YAGT's are very biased, but I honestly have tried *very* hard to make this thread as informational (from both POVs) as possible.

During lunch we talked.

The main reason she was upset was because she felt that I didn't care about what happened to her. I told her that I did care, and that she never gave me a chance to help her out by ignoring all of the calls, etc.

I'm preparing to be flamed/shens'd for whats coming next, but I swear in all honesty that this is the truth:
About 5 minutes after our initial conversation, we both called each other about 8 times. None of our calls successfully went through. We both hit each others voice mail, assuming that the other was canceling the calls, but in reality, they were colliding (I assume). At that point, she thought that I was ignoring her calls completely, thus forming the assumption that I didn't care what happened to her, and would rather continue to drink. She became angry, and decided not to answer any calls for the rest of the night. I had trouble believing that she had tried to call me at all, and she insisted on showing me her phone log which did indeed show several unanswered outgoing calls, just after our conversation.

Because she was still upset today, she placed blame on me for things that I could not control, which she was very apologetic for during lunch. I told her that I couldn't be with someone who would scapegoat blame the way she had--she knew that she was in the wrong, and understood that her actions were irrational.

"So what have we learned?"

As many people have reiterated before this, it's always always better to cool off and talk about things reasonably. Usually, that means don't listen to the "drop her like a bad habit" posters. Or, better yet, don't post a YAGT in the first place because those comments will bias your opinion of her even more.

"Ooo Ooo, I know, I know." *waves hand furiously in the air*
"Ahhh, man, and I knew the answer."

 

[James Bond]

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: apac

Originally posted by: Tizyler
Well, I'm back... I can't believe I missed so much

I realize that most YAGT's are very biased, but I honestly have tried *very* hard to make this thread as informational (from both POVs) as possible.

During lunch we talked.

The main reason she was upset was because she felt that I didn't care about what happened to her. I told her that I did care, and that she never gave me a chance to help her out by ignoring all of the calls, etc.

I'm preparing to be flamed/shens'd for whats coming next, but I swear in all honesty that this is the truth:
About 5 minutes after our initial conversation, we both called each other about 8 times. None of our calls successfully went through. We both hit each others voice mail, assuming that the other was canceling the calls, but in reality, they were colliding (I assume). At that point, she thought that I was ignoring her calls completely, thus forming the assumption that I didn't care what happened to her, and would rather continue to drink. She became angry, and decided not to answer any calls for the rest of the night. I had trouble believing that she had tried to call me at all, and she insisted on showing me her phone log which did indeed show several unanswered outgoing calls, just after our conversation.

Because she was still upset today, she placed blame on me for things that I could not control, which she was very apologetic for during lunch. I told her that I couldn't be with someone who would scapegoat blame the way she had--she knew that she was in the wrong, and understood that her actions were irrational.

"So what have we learned?"

As many people have reiterated before this, it's always always better to cool off and talk about things reasonably. Usually, that means don't listen to the "drop her like a bad habit" posters. Or, better yet, don't post a YAGT in the first place because those comments will bias your opinion of her even more.

:thumbsup: to both posts

gl, OP.

Such a silly situation, but based on what you've said, I find it hard to deny. Strange....

Yeah. It really didn't turn out how I expected.

I re-emphasized several times to her during lunch that "This is why arguments need to be handled, not pushed aside by ignoring phone calls".

It seems that when an SO uses the ignore tactic, things always go horribly wrong for one reason or another.

 

[Mr Incognito]

She's got some sense after all. Good thing you listened to GeekBabe and RedDawn, haha, mods, that is shenanigans.

 

[mrrman]

women....they are all the same ...its all about me wah wah

 

[MrDudeMan]

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: MrDudeMan

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: Tizyler
Why do some people have so much trouble understanding this concept:

Dinner with wine at 8PM.
Plans for me to come over at 10PM.

I drank at 8, but not so much that I would need to stay home all night. At the same time, I wasn't going to drive right after drinking.

This seems very clear cut to me.

My thinking is this: It sounds like the GF overreacted a bit. But, you seemed firm in setting times and sticking to some pre-determined schedule, so much so that helping her out a bit would be too much to inconvenience you. You make sacrifices in relationships. If both of you are willing to break up over this piddly little incident, then wtf is the point of dating each other?

If she went psycho, fine. But if she was showing that she was upset because you couldn't adjust your 2-hour plan to help her out, then I don't see how she's in the wrong.

If he was playing xbox, then you have a point, but he did something that impaired his ability to drive safely. He had no plans to meet up with her beforehand so he should be able to drink if he wants to. Expecting someone to drop what they are doing when they had no idea it was coming is pretty selfish, especially since he couldn't do anything due to the alcohol, which he had every right to drink.

A dinner he made with his roommate is no different than playing X-Box. if the relationship was worth anything, he could delay/postpone the chow (Hint: he can always cook again, eat later--the notion that 'I must have this warm food now' being stronger than the need to help out an SO is blatantly immature. His roommate shouldn't care if he needs to help his lady out) The alcohol thing is a different issue. I don't feel the effects after 2 glasses of wine. It's no problem for me. Half a bottle...maybe. Personally, I have no experience thinking that amount of alcohol would affect my ability to drive. So, I'm interpreting his initial response as a convenient excuse--based on my experience

However, He did try to call her back and check up on her, several times. She reacted like a child. I did not see this bit of info earlier, so now I think the OP needs to walk away from this one.

Woah there buddy. I never said anything about dinner without alcohol. I said dinner WITH alcohol. You totally missed my point. And are you seriously comparing your ability to down alcohol without the effects with someone else? I am a big guy and I am pretty loose after less alcohol than my friend, who is half my size, can handle just fine and still drive. That comparison is completely invalid.

 

[James Bond]

Oh, and just for the record, it wasn't my plan to "drink the wine then go use her for sex". I spend the night over there almost every night of the week, I didn't have some master plan formulating.

 

[zinfamous]

Originally posted by: Tizyler

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: MrDudeMan

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: Tizyler
Why do some people have so much trouble understanding this concept:

Dinner with wine at 8PM.
Plans for me to come over at 10PM.

I drank at 8, but not so much that I would need to stay home all night. At the same time, I wasn't going to drive right after drinking.

This seems very clear cut to me.

My thinking is this: It sounds like the GF overreacted a bit. But, you seemed firm in setting times and sticking to some pre-determined schedule, so much so that helping her out a bit would be too much to inconvenience you. You make sacrifices in relationships. If both of you are willing to break up over this piddly little incident, then wtf is the point of dating each other?

If she went psycho, fine. But if she was showing that she was upset because you couldn't adjust your 2-hour plan to help her out, then I don't see how she's in the wrong.

If he was playing xbox, then you have a point, but he did something that impaired his ability to drive safely. He had no plans to meet up with her beforehand so he should be able to drink if he wants to. Expecting someone to drop what they are doing when they had no idea it was coming is pretty selfish, especially since he couldn't do anything due to the alcohol, which he had every right to drink.

A dinner he made with his roommate is no different than playing X-Box. if the relationship was worth anything, he could delay/postpone the chow (Hint: he can always cook again, eat later--the notion that 'I must have this warm food now' being stronger than the need to help out an SO is blatantly immature. His roommate shouldn't care if he needs to help his lady out) The alcohol thing is a different issue. I don't feel the effects after 2 glasses of wine. It's no problem for me. Half a bottle...maybe. Personally, I have no experience thinking that amount of alcohol would affect my ability to drive. So, I'm interpreting his initial response as a convenient excuse--based on my experience

However, He did try to call her back and check up on her, several times. She reacted like a child. I did not see this bit of info earlier, so now I think the OP needs to walk away from this one.

I had had more than 2 glasses, I'm not sure who started that number. I had drank ~half bottle when I talked to her.

I started that number. I was going back through the thread to confirm, when I stumbled upon the post about your failed attempts to call her afterwards. So, I pretty much changed my thoughts on the situation and ignored the alcohol detail.

 

[zinfamous]

Originally posted by: MrDudeMan

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: MrDudeMan

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: Tizyler
Why do some people have so much trouble understanding this concept:

Dinner with wine at 8PM.
Plans for me to come over at 10PM.

I drank at 8, but not so much that I would need to stay home all night. At the same time, I wasn't going to drive right after drinking.

This seems very clear cut to me.

My thinking is this: It sounds like the GF overreacted a bit. But, you seemed firm in setting times and sticking to some pre-determined schedule, so much so that helping her out a bit would be too much to inconvenience you. You make sacrifices in relationships. If both of you are willing to break up over this piddly little incident, then wtf is the point of dating each other?

If she went psycho, fine. But if she was showing that she was upset because you couldn't adjust your 2-hour plan to help her out, then I don't see how she's in the wrong.

If he was playing xbox, then you have a point, but he did something that impaired his ability to drive safely. He had no plans to meet up with her beforehand so he should be able to drink if he wants to. Expecting someone to drop what they are doing when they had no idea it was coming is pretty selfish, especially since he couldn't do anything due to the alcohol, which he had every right to drink.

A dinner he made with his roommate is no different than playing X-Box. if the relationship was worth anything, he could delay/postpone the chow (Hint: he can always cook again, eat later--the notion that 'I must have this warm food now' being stronger than the need to help out an SO is blatantly immature. His roommate shouldn't care if he needs to help his lady out) The alcohol thing is a different issue. I don't feel the effects after 2 glasses of wine. It's no problem for me. Half a bottle...maybe. Personally, I have no experience thinking that amount of alcohol would affect my ability to drive. So, I'm interpreting his initial response as a convenient excuse--based on my experience

However, He did try to call her back and check up on her, several times. She reacted like a child. I did not see this bit of info earlier, so now I think the OP needs to walk away from this one.

Woah there buddy. I never said anything about dinner without alcohol. I said dinner WITH alcohol. You totally missed my point. And are you seriously comparing your ability to down alcohol without the effects with someone else? I am a big guy and I am pretty loose after less alcohol than my friend, who is half my size, can handle just fine and still drive. That comparison is completely invalid.

ya, that's why I mentioned that it was my interpretation, and suggested that it was no more or less valid than any other advice you could accept from a YAGT (perhaps not very clearly, though). People post these to get others' interpretations of a personal situation. They can take the info as it's useful to them, but no reason to assume that someone else's interpretation is going to necessarily apply to them.

 

[MrPickins]

I usually stay away from YAGT's, but I'm glad I read this one.

I got to see a few "respected" members get made fools of, and the op's story has a happy ending where rational heads prevail.

All in all, a satisfying thread. :thumbsup:

 

[zinfamous]

Originally posted by: Tizyler
Oh, and just for the record, it wasn't my plan to "drink the wine then go use her for sex". I spend the night over there almost every night of the week, I didn't have some master plan formulating.

I don't think that was the criticism. That situation was mentioned in light of imagining how the GF might interpret your initial response to her, whether or not it was accurate, and place some reasoning for her irrationality.

I.E, "he won't pick me up now, b/c he's drinking, but he'll be perfectly capable of driving over to my place later at night. OH, I see what's going on!" etc...an attempt to imagine female logic, anyway

 

[SagaLore]

Does your gf read these forums ever, or see your emails? Or even just know your user handle she could possible google for?

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: apac

Originally posted by: MrDudeMan
...denser than tungsten...
...the cognitive skills of a network cable...

:laugh: cause I had to look up the density of tungsten.

those 2 parts were priceless. nerdy, but priceless

 

[James Bond]

Originally posted by: SagaLore
Does your gf read these forums ever, or see your emails? Or even just know your user handle she could possible google for?

No. I have linked her a couple threads that I thought she might find interesting, but she isn't savvy enough to ever find her way back to the website

Why? Were you thinking she may have gotten some sense from reading replies?

 

[James Bond]

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: Tizyler
Oh, and just for the record, it wasn't my plan to "drink the wine then go use her for sex". I spend the night over there almost every night of the week, I didn't have some master plan formulating.

I don't think that was the criticism. That situation was mentioned in light of imagining how the GF might interpret your initial response to her, whether or not it was accurate, and place some reasoning for her irrationality.

I.E, "he won't pick me up now, b/c he's drinking, but he'll be perfectly capable of driving over to my place later at night. OH, I see what's going on!" etc...an attempt to imagine female logic, anyway

Understandable

 

[rasczak]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: FilmCamera
Stop uncovering the hidden flawed logic traps of women! They hate it when you do that.

Not all of us.

I think the GF was totally unreasonable in calling him at the last minute, and expecting him to drop everything to give her a ride. If he can't count on her to let him know what her expectations are, then she shouldn't expect him to satisfy them.

I don't see what the problem is with him having a few drinks with his friends, before seeing her. If she wasn't going to be home earlier anyway, then of course he's going to wait until later to visit. If he wants to get drunk and then sober in the meantime, so what?

That email ultimatum is total BS. The OP should have the balls to have that conversation face to face, after cooler heads prevail.

QFT

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: Tizyler
Oh, and just for the record, it wasn't my plan to "drink the wine then go use her for sex". I spend the night over there almost every night of the week, I didn't have some master plan formulating.

I don't think that was the criticism. That situation was mentioned in light of imagining how the GF might interpret your initial response to her, whether or not it was accurate, and place some reasoning for her irrationality.

I.E, "he won't pick me up now, b/c he's drinking, but he'll be perfectly capable of driving over to my place later at night. OH, I see what's going on!" etc...an attempt to imagine female logic, anyway

I read it the same way Tizyler did. /shrug

Unfortunately, your version of what passes for female logic is all too accurate. But sometimes we grow out of it.

 

[zinfamous]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: zinfamous

Originally posted by: Tizyler
Oh, and just for the record, it wasn't my plan to "drink the wine then go use her for sex". I spend the night over there almost every night of the week, I didn't have some master plan formulating.

I don't think that was the criticism. That situation was mentioned in light of imagining how the GF might interpret your initial response to her, whether or not it was accurate, and place some reasoning for her irrationality.

I.E, "he won't pick me up now, b/c he's drinking, but he'll be perfectly capable of driving over to my place later at night. OH, I see what's going on!" etc...an attempt to imagine female logic, anyway

I read it the same way Tizyler did. /shrug

Unfortunately, your version of what passes for female logic is all too accurate. But sometimes we grow out of it.

I'm not necessarily criticizing that interpretation...I can see where it would come from, actually...but yeah, there are other diversions in logic that the female of the species has been known to take. (Not to exclude the males...)

 

[KarenMarie]

If she did not forewarn you that she needed a ride, then you did nothing wrong. She should not expect you to sit around and wait your entire life, just in case she might need you.

She changed the plans, she got herself stuck. If you could have helped her out, i am sure you would have. But the fact that you could not was no one's fault but her own.

I would have expected my guy to tell me to take a taxi and he would have footed the bill. But I would never put him on the spot like that... and I certainly would not have had a hissy fit if he could not have dug me out of the hole i put myself into.

 

[sjwaste]

Originally posted by: Tizyler
I'm sorry, this sounds like a high school YAGT thread.

She went to the gym with a friend last night. The friend left when they finished working out, but my gf went swimming and stuff after. She never bothered to arrange a ride home, and her car is in the shop.

I get a call from her at about 8:30. I had been home with my roomate--we had made spaghetti and we were both drinking wine. I wasn't drunk, but I had had too much to drive.

I told her that I was sorry, but I couldn't pick her up. I told her that if she had called earlier, it would have been no problem.

We are in the midst of a huge fight right now, because "she can't count on me; she can count on her friends and family, but not me".

Basically, she blames the entire thing on me, because I "shouldn't have been drinking".

I drink a few nights a week, but hardly ever get drunk.

Edit:
We are both 22.
Today is my birthday.

Update:
I realize that most YAGT's are very biased, but I honestly have tried *very* hard to make this thread as informational (from both POVs) as possible.

During lunch we talked.

The main reason she was upset was because she felt that I didn't care about what happened to her. I told her that I did care, and that she never gave me a chance to help her out by ignoring all of the calls, etc.

I'm preparing to be flamed/shens'd for whats coming next, but I swear in all honesty that this is the truth:
About 5 minutes after our initial conversation, we both called each other about 8 times. None of our calls successfully went through. We both hit each others voice mail, assuming that the other was canceling the calls, but in reality, they were colliding (I assume). At that point, she thought that I was ignoring her calls completely, thus forming the assumption that I didn't care what happened to her, and would rather continue to drink. She became angry, and decided not to answer any calls for the rest of the night. I had trouble believing that she had tried to call me at all, and she insisted on showing me her phone log which did indeed show several unanswered outgoing calls, just after our conversation.

Because she was still upset today, she placed blame on me for things that I could not control, which she was very apologetic for during lunch. I told her that I couldn't be with someone who would scapegoat blame the way she had--she knew that she was in the wrong, and understood that her actions were irrational.

This is crap, and its like a college relationship I had, and saw in others' as well. She's thinking of herself first (which isnt always a bad thing), but is also doing so without considering ANYTHING else.

If she's ready to put herself first without any other consideration, she has to realize that getting out of the jam is on her solely as well. It's not your responsibility to bail her out because she operated on the assumption that you would drop everything.

Watch out for this behavior, it's really indicative of how she might act in the future. You're 22, put having a good time first.

 

[BobWilson]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn
Spending Friday nights alone.

Exactly.

 

[Howard]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: Tizyler

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: yllus

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: yllus
It is. While it's a squeamish subject, the fact of the matter is that if she can continuously nudge you in the direction of becoming her indentured servant, she will. (Ditto for guys doing it to their girlfriends, it's not a gender thing.)

Realistically, you have to establish limits as to what you're willing to do for each other - it's great to cultivate the idea that you'll do anything for each other, but not becoming a doormat means that can't be completely true.

Yeah but while you are busy not becoming a doormat don't become an idiot also and that's what he was doing thinking that he could use the excuse he had to much to drink not to pick her up but it would be ok to come over later for some nookie. I don't think there is a woman out there with any self esteem that would go for that.

I'd definitely say that you have a very good point in that. However, from her reactions after the fact, I think that was too subtle a point for her (or him) to get - her outrage seems to be over the fact that he should be willing to drop everything and hook himself up to an IV in order to get over there and pick her up. That's just ridiculous, and it's unwise in the extreme to start to honour unrealistic expectations like that.

Well at least he manned up and broke up with her in person..oh wait, he didn't..DOH!

Your points really make no sense.

Are you going for cheap shots because you're in the wrong

I'm in the wrong? Look you little bitch I'm not the one running to ATOT looking for confirmation for my actions.

Why are you a ****** dick?

 

[BobWilson]

Originally posted by: yllusI'd definitely say that you have a very good point in that. However, from her reactions after the fact, I think that was too subtle a point for her (or him) to get - her outrage seems to be centred around the idea that he should be willing to drop everything and hook himself up to an IV in order to get over there and pick her up. That's just ridiculous, and it's unwise in the extreme to start to honour unrealistic expectations like that.

She should learn to be more independent and he should realize that he potentially just missed an opportunity for a blowjob. It's all about priorities!

 

[Howard]

Originally posted by: BobWilson

Originally posted by: yllusI'd definitely say that you have a very good point in that. However, from her reactions after the fact, I think that was too subtle a point for her (or him) to get - her outrage seems to be centred around the idea that he should be willing to drop everything and hook himself up to an IV in order to get over there and pick her up. That's just ridiculous, and it's unwise in the extreme to start to honour unrealistic expectations like that.

She should learn to be more independent and he should realize that he potentially just missed an opportunity for a blowjob. It's all about priorities!

Holy ****** you have an account!

 

[KK]

Originally posted by: Howard

Originally posted by: BobWilson

Originally posted by: yllusI'd definitely say that you have a very good point in that. However, from her reactions after the fact, I think that was too subtle a point for her (or him) to get - her outrage seems to be centred around the idea that he should be willing to drop everything and hook himself up to an IV in order to get over there and pick her up. That's just ridiculous, and it's unwise in the extreme to start to honour unrealistic expectations like that.

She should learn to be more independent and he should realize that he potentially just missed an opportunity for a blowjob. It's all about priorities!

Holy ****** you have an account!

Who's Bob Wilson?

 

[FrustratedUser]

The GF?

LOL, that would be priceless.