YAGT: Is this controlling?

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: Garet JaxUnless they share something that can't be unshared (like a child or maybe a pet), she really should have very little reason to continue contact.

You never had a friend, tried dating for a while, and found it didn't work out and you remained friends?

 

[CollectiveUnconscious]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
There is no evidence for such a claim. I know very well what an emotional affair is, and I don't know where you drew that conclusion from.

Edit: You are starting to sound quite misogynistic.

Ever been a counselor?

The exchange of grief or hardship with one of the opposite sex, specifically one that has had previous intimate relations is by very defintion an emotional affair.

By every definition this is what is happening.

I draw that conclusion from statements made by the OP. "doesn't want to hurt him", "he's been hurt in the past", "lied about speaking with him"

That is about as clear cut and dry as you can get. That emotional connection needs to be broken ASAP. Unfortunately for the OP it is already too late and she is seeking emotional comfort elsewhere. Either he puts his foot down or dumps her.

Am I misogynistic? No. I just have respect for myself and much of these YAGT threads could be better served it the posters learned to love themselves before they latch onto another to feed their already broken/shattered ego.

I was under the impression that emotional affair was when two people shared feelings typically reserved for one's SO. Now, by your definition, I am having an emotional afair with one of my best friends, my HOD, a coworker, et cetra. Hardship and grief are things in life that you share with people close to you. It does not make it an emotional affair.

And I received my PhD in real psychology, not that make-you-feel-good pseudoscience crap.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: CollectiveUnconscious
I was under the impression that emotional affair was when two people shared feelings typically reserved for one's SO. Now, by your definition, I am having an emotional afair with one of my best friends, my HOD, a coworker, et cetra. Hardship and grief are things in life that you share with people close to you. It does not make it an emotional affair.

And I received my PhD in real psychology, not that make-you-feel-good pseudoscience crap.

Well then you understand what I'm talking about then.

I for one would not allow a significant other to maintain a "close" relationship with an ex (or a coworker of the opposite sex for that matter) unless kids were involved. It's disrespectful to me and to the relationship and nothing good can come from it. I command respect from a partner and I give it as well.

 

[mattlear]

This exact same thing happened to me this summer.

Normally, I'm a one chance type of person - you burn me once, you don't get another chance to burn me.

I was dating a girl this summer, she really had alot going for her. She had just gotten out of a lengthy relationship... we starting seeing eachother, and I thought I finally found someone that was generous and caring like me.

Well, the ex-boyfriend kept pestering her - saying he would change his ways.

She never told him about me, and guess what? She never told me that she was still seeing him on the side as well.

This goes on all summer, and then she tells me she needs "space". I point blank ask if it is the other guy, and she says "I still have feelings for him, but it's not a relationship that I want to continue, and I know it's one that isn't good for me."

A week later, she's engaged to this guy. Ouch.

Moral of this story: It's great to be a nice guy, and to give people the benefit of the doubt... but don't be blind. She may genuinely like you, but she is also stringing you along until she is convinced that the ex really has changed his ways. Then you are going to get dropped like a hot potato. The irony is, a tiger never changes it's stripes- this guy is going to hurt her again. And there is nothing you can do about it.

My advice: Tell her that she has to choose, and not to contact you until she does. If you are serious about this girl being a good catch, tell her that. Then tell her that you can't continue this relationship until she is 100% committed to you, and only you. If she can't do this, the the reality is, she's not the one for you.

Good luck - keep us updated on how this turns out.

 

[preslove]

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Update: she said she will no longer talk to him at all - however I wanted her to text him and say - do not talk with me anymore, she refused to do that - and she also said that she cant stop him from calling her - I said dont answer his calls, so he'll get the hint - and she said she would do that.

Is this acceptable?

You're a douche for that demand.

Originally posted by: Chryso
She is wrong for lying. You are wrong for telling her who she can talk to.

This is reasonable. She should never have been put in the position to lie.

Originally posted by: multiband8303
Update: She just wants to drop the conversation obviously......I guess I feel like I'm being too nosy, too controlling - I mean the way I found out - was by snooping on her phone - I feel like a dolt. But.....this isn't the first time she has lied about this guy.......and I'm not going to lie either - when we first wen tout - I did the typical guy thing, and lied about things to impress her (which I came clean on) but I can honestly say, I have never cheated on her. Ever.

Did you tell her you did this? Not telling her is just as bad or worse than anything she's done in this whole mess you started. Chill out, dude, it sounds like this guy's wife left him and he's just reaching out for a little emotional support. It's good that you've criticized yourself, though, because you've been acting like a child.