OMG WTF? You dont know how to cook, and you've been with her for 2 years and dont even know her? This either - as many have pointed out - total BS, or you should start take control of your life. How old are you? You cant cook? Then RTFM and cook somehting simple. I swear to god, even if oyu dont cook well at least you show her that you've tried your hardest tot make the best out of the night, that will probably be more appeciated than order out, or taking her to a restaurant. It will show her you CARE.
Some simple rules:
1) RTFM how to cook, at least trying to cook will show her you put some effing effort into it at least, its not that hard to cook a simple meal, get a recipe.
2) Would you at least TRY talking to her? Beeing with someone 2 years and only know her favourite color is _NOT_ knowing someone, much less calling that person your significant other. I've been with my girl for 4 years and we know eachother very well, we know when the other one is lying and sometimes we can almost read eachothers minds.
3) I can understand the thing about not having sex when you've been for her but for the love of god dude, if you havent slept with her in 2 years it wont kill you waiting some more? Have the thought crossed you that ou might be more friends with this girl than having a romantic relationship with her?
Thats all I have to say, if this is a parody, WTG, its a good one. If its seriously not I think I'll be praying for the first time in my life, ever..