YAGT: Do things just not work out sometimes?

[spidey07]

Seek professional counseling.

And yes, after a few years the "sizzle, head in the clouds, I'm so in love" does fade and you develop into partners, a team and best friends who can do anything together and enjoy it. And yes, there will be very rough and hard times.

But if she has cold feet then be carefull and supportive. Also I believe your young age is kind of working against you as both of you really haven't discovered who you really are yet.

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: Redhotjrm
No Tek, I really really appreciate your comments. I love my fiancee to death, and one part of her personalty that has always been bitter-sweet is her quest for perfection / non-complacency. It's good to have someone that strives for the best in life, but it sucks when I can't make her happy and nothing makes her happy. She has told me numerous times that she will never be complacent with life, that she will always want something better. And I'm wondering if is started to seriously affect our relationship.... like let's say I buy her a teddy bear for her birthday. She wants a bigger one the next year, if that makes any since. She always says she does nice things for people (which she does) but always expects it in return. She despises her mother because she gave her mother two giant surprise parties 2 years in a row and then her mother didn't return the favor. And now it sucks because she had a huge surprise for me on my 21st two weeks ago and has already hinted that she expects a lot for her birthday because she did the same for me.

I don't mind returning favors for people, matter of fact I enjoy it, but it kind of ruins it when the person EXPECTS the favor to be returned.

If thats the way she is, Id expect your marriage to implode after a few years anyway. That type of girl is not marryable. She'll never be satisified in your marriage, and your life will become a living hell. Im not even close to being married, but I can tell you that already. 🙁

 

[Jzero]

I don't mind returning favors for people, matter of fact I enjoy it, but it kind of ruins it when the person EXPECTS the favor to be returned.

This was a pitfall in my last relationship. I'm the type of person whom, if I think you are expecting me to do something, I will consciously not do it. My ex would get so mad because she was expecting roses on valentines day and didn't get them. That kind of stuff.

It was not good for a slacker like me.

Perfectionism is a good thing in limited doses, but it has to be tempered by an understanding that perfection cannot be achieved.

My fiancee is a little bit whacky sometimes, but I love her, bizarre quirks and everything.

I've said to her more than once - "I know you're not perfect, but you're perfect for me." I think that's important to realize...

And yes, the romantic spark dies down, but there is a different kind of spark there, now....

 

[TekChik]

Originally posted by: Redhotjrm
No Tek, I really really appreciate your comments. I love my fiancee to death, and one part of her personalty that has always been bitter-sweet is her quest for perfection / non-complacency. It's good to have someone that strives for the best in life, but it sucks when I can't make her happy and nothing makes her happy. She has told me numerous times that she will never be complacent with life, that she will always want something better. And I'm wondering if is started to seriously affect our relationship.... like let's say I buy her a teddy bear for her birthday. She wants a bigger one the next year, if that makes any since. She always says she does nice things for people (which she does) but always expects it in return. She despises her mother because she gave her mother two giant surprise parties 2 years in a row and then her mother didn't return the favor. And now it sucks because she had a huge surprise for me on my 21st two weeks ago and has already hinted that she expects a lot for her birthday because she did the same for me.

I don't mind returning favors for people, matter of fact I enjoy it, but it kind of ruins it when the person EXPECTS the favor to be returned.

ouch! yeah...she might have some years of disappoint ahead of her, then. i'll admit to being a Type A perfectionist myself, but it's been tempered by life's experiences and SO many times of things not going the way I planned them (which i cant STAND!!!!). 🙂

there's really nothing that can substitute for life experience and time, unfortunately. it's tough when you're going thru it, but makes you a much better person if you can take what happens and try to gain some knowledge from it.

 

[Red]

Originally posted by: TekChik

Originally posted by: Redhotjrm
No Tek, I really really appreciate your comments. I love my fiancee to death, and one part of her personalty that has always been bitter-sweet is her quest for perfection / non-complacency. It's good to have someone that strives for the best in life, but it sucks when I can't make her happy and nothing makes her happy. She has told me numerous times that she will never be complacent with life, that she will always want something better. And I'm wondering if is started to seriously affect our relationship.... like let's say I buy her a teddy bear for her birthday. She wants a bigger one the next year, if that makes any since. She always says she does nice things for people (which she does) but always expects it in return. She despises her mother because she gave her mother two giant surprise parties 2 years in a row and then her mother didn't return the favor. And now it sucks because she had a huge surprise for me on my 21st two weeks ago and has already hinted that she expects a lot for her birthday because she did the same for me.

I don't mind returning favors for people, matter of fact I enjoy it, but it kind of ruins it when the person EXPECTS the favor to be returned.

ouch! yeah...she might have some years of disappoint ahead of her, then. i'll admit to being a Type A perfectionist myself, but it's been tempered by life's experiences and SO many times of things not going the way I planned them (which i cant STAND!!!!). 🙂

there's really nothing that can substitute for life experience and time, unfortunately. it's tough when you're going thru it, but makes you a much better person if you can take what happens and try to gain some knowledge from it.

So Tek, my question for you.... is she going to realize what she needs to realize about relationships with me staying with her? I will gladly be the man of her life if it is just going to take some time for her to realize that things fall into a stable patten / strong bond of two people / etc. Or is our relationship and her future failed relationships going to be what is required for her to "come back down to earth" with relationships?

 

[TekChik]

Originally posted by: Redhotjrm

Originally posted by: TekChik

Originally posted by: Redhotjrm
No Tek, I really really appreciate your comments. I love my fiancee to death, and one part of her personalty that has always been bitter-sweet is her quest for perfection / non-complacency. It's good to have someone that strives for the best in life, but it sucks when I can't make her happy and nothing makes her happy. She has told me numerous times that she will never be complacent with life, that she will always want something better. And I'm wondering if is started to seriously affect our relationship.... like let's say I buy her a teddy bear for her birthday. She wants a bigger one the next year, if that makes any since. She always says she does nice things for people (which she does) but always expects it in return. She despises her mother because she gave her mother two giant surprise parties 2 years in a row and then her mother didn't return the favor. And now it sucks because she had a huge surprise for me on my 21st two weeks ago and has already hinted that she expects a lot for her birthday because she did the same for me.

I don't mind returning favors for people, matter of fact I enjoy it, but it kind of ruins it when the person EXPECTS the favor to be returned.

ouch! yeah...she might have some years of disappoint ahead of her, then. i'll admit to being a Type A perfectionist myself, but it's been tempered by life's experiences and SO many times of things not going the way I planned them (which i cant STAND!!!!). 🙂

there's really nothing that can substitute for life experience and time, unfortunately. it's tough when you're going thru it, but makes you a much better person if you can take what happens and try to gain some knowledge from it.

So Tek, my question for you.... is she going to realize what she needs to realize about relationships with me staying with her? I will gladly be the man of her life if it is just going to take some time for her to realize that things fall into a stable patten / strong bond of two people / etc. Or is our relationship and her future failed relationships going to be what is required for her to "come back down to earth" with relationships?

Red - i truly wish i could answer that definitively...but i don't think i can. it just depends on the person. like i said, people can tell other people a million times what they've experienced and learned in life and some people will accept it and learn from just the friends telling them. other people (like myself) will listen to other people, but unless they experience it for themselves, they'll still think they know best until enough things happen to convince them otherwise.

do you think that if you approached her and asked her to go to a counsellor (under the guise of making sure both of you were ready for marriage, perhaps) that she would not only go, but be open to what the counsellor would advise/teach? this scenario might bring out things that are perhaps behind how she approaches life and your relationship and maybe help bring her down to earth.

that probably wasn't too helpful, but i'm encouraged by this thread as a whole because it's actually been constructive and without thread-crapping and the likes.

 

[TheShiz]

this one is easy. she isn't interested in you anymore, but she is making up reasons why she does not want to get married to try and not hurt your feelings when the plain and obvious is that she has lost interest, she may have someone else in mind. Sadly the only thing you can do is let go, i really doubt you will change her from the description you gave.

 

[blakeatwork]

I think you guys will be fine.

My wife and I were engaged for about 3 years before we married (in Sept, BTW), and through that period while we decided when to set the date, we had lulls, we had high points, but at no time was there the consideration to break off and go out separate ways.. Some girls are struck by an desire for absolute proof of commitement, and need that total reassurance that you won't walk away. I think that's where she's at, especially if you've been engaged for a long period.

At one point however, my wife did epxress concern that it seem like I was going through the motions of the relationship, and not really putting anything into it. In my defense, I admit that I wasn't putting her number one, as I was working at a job didn't enjoy, and it put a lot of stress on me, and indirectly, her. We weathered it, and I found that I loved her even more, as it was easier to speak about what was bothering me.

Again, I think it's just a small thing, and one easily oversome... Just be yourself..

 

[rgwalt]

Originally posted by: Redhotjrm

Originally posted by: isaacmacdonald
Agree with above posts.

The simple truth is that it doesn't matter who you're with, the flirting and intial excitement of your first year or two will inevitably mature into a more "friendly" relationship. This is something you both should expect. Perhaps you're not ready to completely abandon the "thrill of the chase" and all the feelings that go along with early stage mating rituals, but understand that unless you are choosing to live as a bachelor forever, at some point things are going to cool down a bit.

Cheers,

Isaac

Thanks for posts guys + gals. See, as you can see just in the replies from this thread, people are very split. I would have to join the side that truly believes that a relationship matures into a stage where things become friendly/growing/maturing together, but still loving / romantic / etc. She feels that her soulmate is going to be someone that sweeps her off her feet everyday. And I might not be that person for her. I am mature enough to move on, and she is as well apparently.

BTW, I'm 21 and she will be 21 this month. We've had issues / struggles along the way like any relationship, but I've felt that has always made us a bit stronger. We've never had to deal with stupid / immature issues like cheating or blowing money or drug addictions or anything like that, but have gone through family crisis (plurar) together and have gone though different stages of stuff.

I went through some similar stuff to my ex-gf. We were about your age, too. It has been my observation that finding a girl that young with her head screwed on straight is a rare occasion. It sounds like your girl needs some time to grow up. I know you want to get married soon and start your life together, I did too. However, she needs some time to grow up. You may not realize it, but you do, too.

Now, you two are engaged, and I never advocate breaking up engagements, but you guys should have a serious talk about it. Ask her if it is what she wants to do, and if it is, ask her for the ring back. Spend some time apart. Spend time with your other friends. Maybe go on a couple of dates. Don't tell her what you are doing, and don't ask what she is doing. Stay out of each other's business for awhile. If you still feel the same way after a couple/few months, start back slowly. Take her out for coffee. Take her on dates. Stuff like that.

This is not guaranteed to do any good. Some time girls/women need years to sort this stuff out. However, for the sake of YOUR happiness, and hers, you should consider what I've said. She will only make you miserable if you try to drag it out.

Ryan

 

[Red]

Aye, aye. Tough situation! Worst case scenario: She wants to split because I can't meet her needs. Best case scenario: She realizes that people are not the same in a relationship in the first 6 months that they are 2 years later.

 

[Budmantom]

Originally posted by: Redhotjrm
Aye, aye. Tough situation! Worst case scenario: She wants to split because I can't meet her needs. Best case scenario: She realizes that people are not the same in a relationship in the first 6 months that they are 2 years later.

I think your in for some heartache.

Hope for the best prepare for the worst.

 

[ProUser]

At this point; and after all these years if she leaves you - that sucks. If she doesn't - won't you feel, or always wonder if she 'settled' for you? Do you really want to have to convince your fiance that she can't do better then you or that your relationship is supposed to fade? I mean she straight up said she feels nothing when she kisses you. As painful as that has to be to hear - I think that says it all.

Sorry man, I truly feel for you and wish you the best.

 

[bleeb]

I don't think this girl is mature enough to get married. I believe people who get married KNOW they want to get married and KNOW, without a doubt, that the person they are marrying is "the one". She is simply too worried about the initial part of love and doesn't realize what true love is. Anyways, you can tell when people have passion about things and about someone so maybe you don't have the "passion". Ask yourself and answer it truthfully...

Do you have passion??

 

[y2kc]

Unfortunately, it seems like the vast majority of women nowadays are unable to believe or accept this. Id like to blame tv/movies for most of it. The storybook romance has been rammed into their skulls from day one, to the point where they come to dream and expect it, because it doesnt seem impossible on the outside. Men seem to intuitively know that they will never be an action hero because its so far fetched, but it seems like many women just cant come to grips that storybook romance is only for storybooks.

..... on the money BD2003, pure gold.

And it can get worse once the kids come and the day in day out blandness of life sets in, hence many extramarital affairs. I've spent many hours trying to explain this to my wife and there were times when the relationship was skating on very thin ice because of it. People that have a deeper understanding of love tend to be able to get through these times, and they also keep things from getting too bland because they realize that relationships require a lot of work at times. Their expectations are grounded in reality and they truly love their partners despite the fact that the love has lost it's shine.

I don't mind returning favors for people, matter of fact I enjoy it, but it kind of ruins it when the person EXPECTS the favor to be returned.

This can be huge. In essence when she gives to someone she is really giving to herself, expecting something in return for what is supposed to be a gift negates the spirit of giving all together. Honestly, your girlfriend sounds a bit self centered. Does this mean your relationship is doomed? statistically speaking, over 50 percent of marriages fail so you're taking a chance with her or any other woman for that matter.

 

[MartyMcFly3]

HOLY SH!T!!!!!!!!! People are taking a YAGT SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! It's ARMAGEDDON!!!!!

<--- ::goes in fetal position and cries::

As a side note, there have been lots of great advice on here RedHotjrm... I think you should use some of it and have a talk with her to figure out where this relationship is going

 

[alkemyst]

sad to say...you probably bored her and she's looking for excitement.

Now I am not saying you did any of this, but what follows is common:

Getting engaged and married doesn't =

becoming their father

sheltering them from everything

telling them what to do

stopping being kinky (if ever)

playing

etc.

people do change and people are just the way they are. I recommend moving on in a situation like this.

The wanting a husband and not a best-friend is sort of a misnomer....they want both really, but a woman usually don't want to say things about sexual excitement/want. A husband = a best friend you can't wait to get in bed.

 

[Warthog912]

Originally posted by: Roger
Well said Skoorb 🙂

But yes... we meet all the criteria and have the recipe for a great marriage (same religious faith, same family goals, we love spending time together, taking care of each other, good in the sack, etc) but I think maybe the initial infatuation spark isn't there and maybe she can't realize / cope with that like I already have? I truly love her and she loves me but it sucks to go through a weird period like this.

Just one comment. Religion does not have to play as big a part as you make it out to be. My GF and I have been in a mature relationship for about 5 years now, been together for 6, and we've just learned to stay away from subjects such as religion.

Now- if you can find you a girlfriend that will love you without cause, and you so willingly love her back, that is one of life's biggest goals IMO. It is extremely difficult to do these days. Take your time, enjoy life, and a wife should above all be a good friend before anything else.

Just my .02

Later

 

[BD2003]

Originally posted by: y2kc

Unfortunately, it seems like the vast majority of women nowadays are unable to believe or accept this. Id like to blame tv/movies for most of it. The storybook romance has been rammed into their skulls from day one, to the point where they come to dream and expect it, because it doesnt seem impossible on the outside. Men seem to intuitively know that they will never be an action hero because its so far fetched, but it seems like many women just cant come to grips that storybook romance is only for storybooks.

..... on the money BD2003, pure gold.

And it can get worse once the kids come and the day in day out blandness of life sets in, hence many extramarital affairs. I've spent many hours trying to explain this to my wife and there were times when the relationship was skating on very thin ice because of it. People that have a deeper understanding of love tend to be able to get through these times, and they also keep things from getting too bland because they realize that relationships require a lot of work at times. Their expectations are grounded in reality and they truly love their partners despite the fact that the love has lost it's shine.

I don't mind returning favors for people, matter of fact I enjoy it, but it kind of ruins it when the person EXPECTS the favor to be returned.

This can be huge. In essence when she gives to someone she is really giving to herself, expecting something in return for what is supposed to be a gift negates the spirit of giving all together. Honestly, your girlfriend sounds a bit self centered. Does this mean your relationship is doomed? statistically speaking, over 50 percent of marriages fail so you're taking a chance with her or any other woman for that matter.

I think the reason people are taking this YAGT seriously is because the author isnt insane or crazy, and has a situation all of us can relate to. (If you cant yet, you will eventually)

I wish I could tell you not to take it personally, but its not that you are unable to met her needs because you are doing something wrong. Her needs are unmeetable, and no one will EVER be able to live up to her expectations. Shes going to find this out the hard way one way or another. Either she eventually accepts it and learns to cherish the long term relationship for what it is, or she forever searches for something that cant be found, and ends up bitter and unmarriageable at 40.

Shes totally encompassing and embodying the general mentality of people nowadays. Its extremely prevalent here. Its a combination of the search and need for perfection, and the need to upgrade when you get the chance. Our computers are never fast enough, our TVs never big enough etc. When we finally get that new top of the line TV, we feel as if its perfect, we'll never need another TV again. Two years down the line, you arent enjoying your perfect TV in the same way anymore because not only does a newer, better model exist, someone else has it, and that someone else isnt you. If they can get it, then why shouldnt you be able to as well?

Thats all good and fine, but when you start to do that with people and relationships, it gets real ugly. You said it yourself, shes a perfectionist, and needs an upgrade every year. And furthermore, she is a bit self centered. Everything is in terms of what it can do for her. She doubtfully would have thrown the surprise party if she didnt want one herself.

So basically, as far as I can tell, your time has run out. She's somehow convinced that the "perfect" boyfriend is out there. That you might not be "the one". Theres 6 billion people in this world, and if there was a certain special soulmate out there for you as some people believe, the chances youd meet him or her is practically nil. Its a cute fantasy, but nothing more. Sure, your relationship can possibly be saved, but I doubt it. Im normally an optimisitic guy, so take solace in the fact that youve figured out early what she possibly may never figure out. You have a chance to salvage yourself because you seem to have a realistic outlook on relationships. But still ask yourself, how do you know SHE is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?