I already started another yagt about this girl but I never really explained the situation. I had that thread locked because of the conversation we had that day, which is also explained in this post. I posted this on another forum too but here goes.
first off, there's no need to respond just to tell me this is too long to read. I warned you. I know it's long and I know all of it isn't necessary. in fact, none of it is necessary because I'm pretty sure I'm screwed. but just in case anyone is terribly bored and wants to hear my story and point out all of the ways that I screwed up, here you go:
I met a girl through an online forum a bit over four months ago. we talked for quite a while the first night I messaged her and off and on over the next couple weeks. pretty soon we were talking for two or three hours almost every night. we talked about everything. our conversations were the highlight of my day. once I got her e-mail address, I wrote her almost every night on top of our conversations. I wouldn't get a reply every time but I kept writing. she seemed to enjoy my e-mails. we got close really fast. she told me in one of her e-mails that I'm a wonderful person and really special to her. she said that she respected me because I liked her for her and expected nothing in return but honest friendship.
one night I suggested going on a road trip and stopping by to see her (well, seeing her became the focus of the road trip). I wasn?t really serious about it when I first brought it up but the idea began to grew on me. I ended up asking my parents and getting my brother to come with me. I talked to her first of course. she seemed excited about it. it was sort of a last minute decision because I wanted to make it down there for her ballet recital which was a couple days away. I suppose I haven't mentioned that she lives 1500 miles away yet. I hadn't seen a picture of her at the time either. she had seen a couple of me.
well, I did end up going down there for her recital. I met her before and we talked for a little while. she came out to talk to me at various times throughout the recital and we went out to get some food with some of her friends after and then to her house. that was all that I got to see her because of her parents so we headed home the next day. the visit went okay, though I would've liked to have spent more time with her. I have a bit of a problem with social anxiety but it wasn't as bad as it could've been. I felt comfortable around her since we already knew each other so well but I still had trouble keeping a conversation going at times. I don?t tend to talk a lot in real life, especially not in groups of people and I never got a chance to talk to her one-on-one.
anyway, when I got home from the trip, I wrote her an e-mail and told her how I felt about her. we talked about it later. she told me that I was a "good friend." I was sort of crushed but we still talked a lot online after that. we rarely talk on the phone.
just a couple days ago, I wrote seventeen pages that told the story of how we had met up to the present day. I mentioned it in a conversation. she said that she thinks I like her too much. she told me that I'm a bit obsessive and that it isn't healthy. she told me that I don't really know her and that she doesn't want me to because that sort of connection has always ended with her getting hurt. I sent the seventeen pages I had written to her that night. she said it almost made her cry. I sent another e-mail along with it. I admitted that maybe I am a bit obsessive but that I think I know her well enough to justify the way that I feel. we talked the next day and she said that she has believed that I really loved her for a while now. she told me that she thinks I have such a good grasp of what love is it scares her sometimes. she told me that if there's anything that I could do to ease the pain on her, I've done it. then she told me that there are two types of guys: the kind that make great friends and the kind that she can see herself spending time with romantically. she said she was a bit iffy with me at first but she always knows when an ultimatum has been reached. she told me it's been reached. that it was reached before we met in real life even. I know this isn't far from what she said before but I finally realized that she meant it this time.
I cried a lot that day. I cried a lot that night. I cried the next morning when I woke up. I still feel sick when I think about it. depression doesn?t help. I made an ass of myself in an e-mail I wrote to her that night. she responded to it. I wrote another e-mail the next day in which I told her that I was going to try to be mature about this and to enjoy her friendship rather than dwell on the fact that it will never be more. I called to apologize. I felt stupid on the phone. I always know exactly what I want to say but once she picks up the phone I just can't say it (part of this social anxiety stuff I suppose .. for some reason, it?s even worse than in real life). we talked again. things are fine now but it's not the same. life seems so bleak and even our conversations have lost something. maybe it'll pass. I've been hating myself recently. I don't blame her for not wanting us to be more than friends. I'm trying to hide all of this from her because I know telling her about how much it hurts isn't going to help either of us and is just going to make me look more pathetic.
so, for those of you who made it this far, here are the questions I have:
1. is there any point in pursuing a relationship further? I know I should just let it go but I'm 17 and this is the first time I've ever cared about someone this much (I know you?ll still say I?m too young but whatever).
2. regardless of your answer to question 1, what suggestions do you have for me if I were to pursue a relationship further? I know I've made myself look desperate and lacking in confidence. I want to change this. I know that actively pursuing a relationship will push her away but it seems like there has to at least be something I can try.
3. regardless of your answer to question 1, what suggestions do you have for me if I were to try to forget about her and move on? I don?t want to lose her as a friend. and masturbating or getting laid isn?t going to solve my problem.
4. what can I do about this deadness that I feel? the empty conversations that we've been having aren't helping.
5. what can I do about feeling uncomfortable on the phone / in real life?
6. flame on.
if anything needs clarification, let me know. both of us will be leaving for college after this year of school so I can eliminate the distance problem. I have good grades and test scores and all of that.
replies telling me how stupid it is to meet people online will be appreciated just as much as replies telling me this post is too long. and if you doubt that the way I feel about her is justified, I can write you something just as long as this telling you why I like her.
thank you to anyone who cares.
first off, there's no need to respond just to tell me this is too long to read. I warned you. I know it's long and I know all of it isn't necessary. in fact, none of it is necessary because I'm pretty sure I'm screwed. but just in case anyone is terribly bored and wants to hear my story and point out all of the ways that I screwed up, here you go:
I met a girl through an online forum a bit over four months ago. we talked for quite a while the first night I messaged her and off and on over the next couple weeks. pretty soon we were talking for two or three hours almost every night. we talked about everything. our conversations were the highlight of my day. once I got her e-mail address, I wrote her almost every night on top of our conversations. I wouldn't get a reply every time but I kept writing. she seemed to enjoy my e-mails. we got close really fast. she told me in one of her e-mails that I'm a wonderful person and really special to her. she said that she respected me because I liked her for her and expected nothing in return but honest friendship.
one night I suggested going on a road trip and stopping by to see her (well, seeing her became the focus of the road trip). I wasn?t really serious about it when I first brought it up but the idea began to grew on me. I ended up asking my parents and getting my brother to come with me. I talked to her first of course. she seemed excited about it. it was sort of a last minute decision because I wanted to make it down there for her ballet recital which was a couple days away. I suppose I haven't mentioned that she lives 1500 miles away yet. I hadn't seen a picture of her at the time either. she had seen a couple of me.
well, I did end up going down there for her recital. I met her before and we talked for a little while. she came out to talk to me at various times throughout the recital and we went out to get some food with some of her friends after and then to her house. that was all that I got to see her because of her parents so we headed home the next day. the visit went okay, though I would've liked to have spent more time with her. I have a bit of a problem with social anxiety but it wasn't as bad as it could've been. I felt comfortable around her since we already knew each other so well but I still had trouble keeping a conversation going at times. I don?t tend to talk a lot in real life, especially not in groups of people and I never got a chance to talk to her one-on-one.
anyway, when I got home from the trip, I wrote her an e-mail and told her how I felt about her. we talked about it later. she told me that I was a "good friend." I was sort of crushed but we still talked a lot online after that. we rarely talk on the phone.
just a couple days ago, I wrote seventeen pages that told the story of how we had met up to the present day. I mentioned it in a conversation. she said that she thinks I like her too much. she told me that I'm a bit obsessive and that it isn't healthy. she told me that I don't really know her and that she doesn't want me to because that sort of connection has always ended with her getting hurt. I sent the seventeen pages I had written to her that night. she said it almost made her cry. I sent another e-mail along with it. I admitted that maybe I am a bit obsessive but that I think I know her well enough to justify the way that I feel. we talked the next day and she said that she has believed that I really loved her for a while now. she told me that she thinks I have such a good grasp of what love is it scares her sometimes. she told me that if there's anything that I could do to ease the pain on her, I've done it. then she told me that there are two types of guys: the kind that make great friends and the kind that she can see herself spending time with romantically. she said she was a bit iffy with me at first but she always knows when an ultimatum has been reached. she told me it's been reached. that it was reached before we met in real life even. I know this isn't far from what she said before but I finally realized that she meant it this time.
I cried a lot that day. I cried a lot that night. I cried the next morning when I woke up. I still feel sick when I think about it. depression doesn?t help. I made an ass of myself in an e-mail I wrote to her that night. she responded to it. I wrote another e-mail the next day in which I told her that I was going to try to be mature about this and to enjoy her friendship rather than dwell on the fact that it will never be more. I called to apologize. I felt stupid on the phone. I always know exactly what I want to say but once she picks up the phone I just can't say it (part of this social anxiety stuff I suppose .. for some reason, it?s even worse than in real life). we talked again. things are fine now but it's not the same. life seems so bleak and even our conversations have lost something. maybe it'll pass. I've been hating myself recently. I don't blame her for not wanting us to be more than friends. I'm trying to hide all of this from her because I know telling her about how much it hurts isn't going to help either of us and is just going to make me look more pathetic.
so, for those of you who made it this far, here are the questions I have:
1. is there any point in pursuing a relationship further? I know I should just let it go but I'm 17 and this is the first time I've ever cared about someone this much (I know you?ll still say I?m too young but whatever).
2. regardless of your answer to question 1, what suggestions do you have for me if I were to pursue a relationship further? I know I've made myself look desperate and lacking in confidence. I want to change this. I know that actively pursuing a relationship will push her away but it seems like there has to at least be something I can try.
3. regardless of your answer to question 1, what suggestions do you have for me if I were to try to forget about her and move on? I don?t want to lose her as a friend. and masturbating or getting laid isn?t going to solve my problem.
4. what can I do about this deadness that I feel? the empty conversations that we've been having aren't helping.
5. what can I do about feeling uncomfortable on the phone / in real life?
6. flame on.
if anything needs clarification, let me know. both of us will be leaving for college after this year of school so I can eliminate the distance problem. I have good grades and test scores and all of that.
replies telling me how stupid it is to meet people online will be appreciated just as much as replies telling me this post is too long. and if you doubt that the way I feel about her is justified, I can write you something just as long as this telling you why I like her.
thank you to anyone who cares.
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