original topic: "lol... started writing a yagt, but.... 2 pages in, realized nobody would read that much text."
god, i wish it were just as straightforward as cheating, none of this complex bullshit that i have to explain.
EDIT: -------Posted it anyway: read if you like, cliffs if you don't----------------
girl: Spoiled (my fault), self-absorbed to the point of narcissism, selfish as hell, overall- a little princess b!tch that feels like anything I've ever done for her is her due, not a result of the fact that I loved her. And I'm not being bitter, I just can't describe her any other way.
I use "her" and "she" a lot; obviously it references my girlfriend. I'm not in the mood to care if I go 20 pronouns without referring specifically to her.
Girlfriend and I have been together almost 2 years now. We're both 21 in July. Started off incredible, like they all do. I've always been pretty popular, but I changed a lot when I met her. You've probably all seen it before, I ended up ignoring most my friends, family, didn't even look back, I thought being with this girl 24/7 was worth it. I'm sure she changed quite a bit as well. I used to be the type to cheat without a second thought, spend money like water, drugs like breathing, yet still be cocky as hell cause i managed a 3.7/4.0 in a top 30 school, full scholarship. I lost a lot of that confidence, you might call it getting whipped, but yeah, i was pretty much a tool. Didn't matter to me though, I was with a girl I loved.
A year in, we had some issues. I got into games, probably spent 6 hours a day playing; note to guys: generally, that's bad on a relationship. 6 months later, i finally opened my eyes, quit gaming completely, focused on school, introspection, all that jazz. Boosted GPA to 3.9 in a semester, and I got a great job opportunity at New England Medical, I hadn't even graduated but I was being offered a position to work directly under a physician there. My co-workers were all 3rd year meds, it was a great opportunity for me, so I took it. Of course, there were the initial issues with me and her regarding long-distance, but we overcame them with time, and I think we were much better for it.
During this time, I guess I started focusing more on work and school (was taking classes at MIT), instead of concentrating on entertaining her 24/7, and she probably felt it. Whereas previously, I had been pretty much whipped; the one that always called back, sent emails whenever I had the chance, flowers, gifts, bought $350 plane tickets 3 times a month, she was the one taking over those "responsibilities", now that I had found something I really cared about. It felt good, being "pursued", in a sense, because a year of it had made me really, really tired.
Some of you probably know how this feels: you want to let go because it's literally, painful and tiring to continue to be with and care so much about someone who basically can say "i love you" to you and not mean it, make you the one who says "sorry" for something they did, and suck you dry of every ounce of energy you can muster. I can't remember how many times I've left work early because she altered my mood so severely with a couple of words, or how I've bought tickets to see her 1 day before the weekend because she wasn't feeling good. Yeah, from an objective standpoint, even I can say I'm weak and pathetic, but that's what love does to you. Even puppy love.
But back on topic, I started to really grow, mature, and be happy during this time we were apart. I missed her of course, but no longer in the desperate sense. She was someone I could talk to, that I felt depended on me and needed me, and that I could really take care of and provide for. I started seeing her as really immature, dependent, and I disliked what I saw. I so badly wanted her to change, to grow up and find herself. She's always been of the belief that if you have a boyfriend, there's no one else you need in the world. I think I felt like that at one point, but I grew out of it, saw there's a real world out there, real people, and the gift of society, companionship and communication is the greatest thing one can experience.
I guess she became lonely, or got bored, or whatever during this time, and she developed an online gambling habit. Yep, sounds lame, but you don't know how bad it can get. She used to cry to me every night after losing a good sum of money, and tell me how bad she wanted to quit, but she couldn't, because she was so lonely and bored. She's not the type to avidly seek out friends either, and I think most girls are naturally intimidated by her, so she doesn't have many people she is close to. Most of her acquaintances are my friends. She'd gamble every day, and ended up spending $4500 in 5 months, which was the amount her parents had given for last semester and this upcoming semester as spending money. Doesn't sound like a lot, but when you don't have bills, $500 a month isn't that bad. Especially when you have a boyfriend on the side who pays for everything else; phone, birth control pills, food. I visited her often, and I'd always find myself taking care of these little fees she racked up. I made decent money for my age, close to 65k before benefits, so spending extra $1500 or so every month to keep her happy didn't seem to bad.
2 weeks ago, she went home. Since then, I've started hanging out, with other girls, maybe because I like the feeling of being cared about, thought about; not just someone who's called up when there's nothing better to do, or when she needs something. Clubs, lounges, even just hanging out with friends helped me ease my mind. When I'm not occupied, and she's doing that princess thing, my mind just aches. Literally.
--------------
At times, I wanted to let go of her so badly, but I didn't have the strength to do it. I had been with her so long (subjective), that I felt it would just been a huge waste of time, money, and effort if I just gave it up with a few words now. Also, I was terrified of what would happen if she ended up happier without me than with me. Those are immature, selfish thoughts, but I couldn't let go of them. I hated feeling like I needed her more than she needed me. Wisest words ever (abridged): "you'd be surprised at what people would let go of if they weren't afraid someone else would pick it up" -wilde, i believe. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I saw her happier with someone else. Thus, I hacked it out, continued to keep my emotions to myself for the most part, spoiled her to her heart's content, and was pretty much miserable.
FINALLY, after 2 weeks of being half the circumference of the planet away, she called me and said she was in debt. Only $500 this time, but the way she brought it up to me was what killed any affection I had for her in my mind.
Call #1 (at work):
"Hey I'm in trouble"
"What's the matter"
"I was gambling, now I'm $-500 with my bank. They just called me, I have to pay it off ASAP"
"Didn't i tell you this was going to happen, when you dropped from a $1000 balance to $200 in like 3 weeks?"
"So are you going to pay it?"
"Ask your parents"
"No, I'm not going to"
"so once again, you're not going to worry about consequences, just use me to cover up for your mistakes so you can continue life as usual."
*click*
Call #2 (i called back)
"tell your mom"
"no i said i'm not, so I'm not"
"she can help you, and she deserves to know since you're the one ruining her credit anyway"
"this is your fault anyway"
"what?"
"you don't pay enough attention to me, so I'm bored and I have nothing to do so i gamble"
NOTE: the above has been repeated many times in conversation. she refuses suggestions to go out and meet friends, to pick up a hobby, to go to the gym
*a few more minutes of stupid, repetitive, bullsh!t*
Me: "I'll give you two options. Tell your mom OR I'll give you the money, and I don't want to talk to you again."
"send me the money"
"this isn't going to be like usual. It's done this time, i've been tired for awhile, but i thought you'd change. i really don't care whether you feel happy or sad about it afterwards, but if you don't change, you got a lot of hard times ahead of you"
"money"
*click*
Now, every part of me is saying "fvck you, we're done, and you're not getting sh!t from me". But, the part of me that cares about her, that wants to make her happy, refuses to just let it go. She's so stubborn that I know no matter how bad it gets, she won't ask her parents. And, I don't know what kind of stupid sh!t she will do to get the money. So i sent to her. Checked her account later, she had transferred it immediately on receipt, probably didn't even think twice.
I guess we're done. 2 years, just like that. I'm not sure how I feel. Relieved, maybe? Sad, a little? Pathetic, very. I don't know who "won", but I sure as hell don't feel like a winner. I guess I got off easy though. $500 for my freedom, at least it didn't cost me another 10 years, an engagement/wedding ring, and a few cars.
If any of you read this far, I appreciate it. I posted it more for myself than for any criticism, advice, or comments so I guess a .txt saved to my desktop would have done just as well. I'll hand out some advice of my own though, for anyone who feels like they're in the same situation as me.
I'm not so bitter, petty, and immature to go out and get wasted, and screw her friends, but I can say that a part of me is totally excited about what the future has to offer me. Don't ever think it's too late to just give up and start anew. Even if it takes every ounce of mental strength you can muster, and even some borrowed strength, let them go. No such thing as wasted time, but there such thing as wasting more time.
-----------------------------------------------
cliffs:
i bought my freedom for $500
god, i wish it were just as straightforward as cheating, none of this complex bullshit that i have to explain.
EDIT: -------Posted it anyway: read if you like, cliffs if you don't----------------
girl: Spoiled (my fault), self-absorbed to the point of narcissism, selfish as hell, overall- a little princess b!tch that feels like anything I've ever done for her is her due, not a result of the fact that I loved her. And I'm not being bitter, I just can't describe her any other way.
I use "her" and "she" a lot; obviously it references my girlfriend. I'm not in the mood to care if I go 20 pronouns without referring specifically to her.
Girlfriend and I have been together almost 2 years now. We're both 21 in July. Started off incredible, like they all do. I've always been pretty popular, but I changed a lot when I met her. You've probably all seen it before, I ended up ignoring most my friends, family, didn't even look back, I thought being with this girl 24/7 was worth it. I'm sure she changed quite a bit as well. I used to be the type to cheat without a second thought, spend money like water, drugs like breathing, yet still be cocky as hell cause i managed a 3.7/4.0 in a top 30 school, full scholarship. I lost a lot of that confidence, you might call it getting whipped, but yeah, i was pretty much a tool. Didn't matter to me though, I was with a girl I loved.
A year in, we had some issues. I got into games, probably spent 6 hours a day playing; note to guys: generally, that's bad on a relationship. 6 months later, i finally opened my eyes, quit gaming completely, focused on school, introspection, all that jazz. Boosted GPA to 3.9 in a semester, and I got a great job opportunity at New England Medical, I hadn't even graduated but I was being offered a position to work directly under a physician there. My co-workers were all 3rd year meds, it was a great opportunity for me, so I took it. Of course, there were the initial issues with me and her regarding long-distance, but we overcame them with time, and I think we were much better for it.
During this time, I guess I started focusing more on work and school (was taking classes at MIT), instead of concentrating on entertaining her 24/7, and she probably felt it. Whereas previously, I had been pretty much whipped; the one that always called back, sent emails whenever I had the chance, flowers, gifts, bought $350 plane tickets 3 times a month, she was the one taking over those "responsibilities", now that I had found something I really cared about. It felt good, being "pursued", in a sense, because a year of it had made me really, really tired.
Some of you probably know how this feels: you want to let go because it's literally, painful and tiring to continue to be with and care so much about someone who basically can say "i love you" to you and not mean it, make you the one who says "sorry" for something they did, and suck you dry of every ounce of energy you can muster. I can't remember how many times I've left work early because she altered my mood so severely with a couple of words, or how I've bought tickets to see her 1 day before the weekend because she wasn't feeling good. Yeah, from an objective standpoint, even I can say I'm weak and pathetic, but that's what love does to you. Even puppy love.
But back on topic, I started to really grow, mature, and be happy during this time we were apart. I missed her of course, but no longer in the desperate sense. She was someone I could talk to, that I felt depended on me and needed me, and that I could really take care of and provide for. I started seeing her as really immature, dependent, and I disliked what I saw. I so badly wanted her to change, to grow up and find herself. She's always been of the belief that if you have a boyfriend, there's no one else you need in the world. I think I felt like that at one point, but I grew out of it, saw there's a real world out there, real people, and the gift of society, companionship and communication is the greatest thing one can experience.
I guess she became lonely, or got bored, or whatever during this time, and she developed an online gambling habit. Yep, sounds lame, but you don't know how bad it can get. She used to cry to me every night after losing a good sum of money, and tell me how bad she wanted to quit, but she couldn't, because she was so lonely and bored. She's not the type to avidly seek out friends either, and I think most girls are naturally intimidated by her, so she doesn't have many people she is close to. Most of her acquaintances are my friends. She'd gamble every day, and ended up spending $4500 in 5 months, which was the amount her parents had given for last semester and this upcoming semester as spending money. Doesn't sound like a lot, but when you don't have bills, $500 a month isn't that bad. Especially when you have a boyfriend on the side who pays for everything else; phone, birth control pills, food. I visited her often, and I'd always find myself taking care of these little fees she racked up. I made decent money for my age, close to 65k before benefits, so spending extra $1500 or so every month to keep her happy didn't seem to bad.
2 weeks ago, she went home. Since then, I've started hanging out, with other girls, maybe because I like the feeling of being cared about, thought about; not just someone who's called up when there's nothing better to do, or when she needs something. Clubs, lounges, even just hanging out with friends helped me ease my mind. When I'm not occupied, and she's doing that princess thing, my mind just aches. Literally.
--------------
At times, I wanted to let go of her so badly, but I didn't have the strength to do it. I had been with her so long (subjective), that I felt it would just been a huge waste of time, money, and effort if I just gave it up with a few words now. Also, I was terrified of what would happen if she ended up happier without me than with me. Those are immature, selfish thoughts, but I couldn't let go of them. I hated feeling like I needed her more than she needed me. Wisest words ever (abridged): "you'd be surprised at what people would let go of if they weren't afraid someone else would pick it up" -wilde, i believe. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I saw her happier with someone else. Thus, I hacked it out, continued to keep my emotions to myself for the most part, spoiled her to her heart's content, and was pretty much miserable.
FINALLY, after 2 weeks of being half the circumference of the planet away, she called me and said she was in debt. Only $500 this time, but the way she brought it up to me was what killed any affection I had for her in my mind.
Call #1 (at work):
"Hey I'm in trouble"
"What's the matter"
"I was gambling, now I'm $-500 with my bank. They just called me, I have to pay it off ASAP"
"Didn't i tell you this was going to happen, when you dropped from a $1000 balance to $200 in like 3 weeks?"
"So are you going to pay it?"
"Ask your parents"
"No, I'm not going to"
"so once again, you're not going to worry about consequences, just use me to cover up for your mistakes so you can continue life as usual."
*click*
Call #2 (i called back)
"tell your mom"
"no i said i'm not, so I'm not"
"she can help you, and she deserves to know since you're the one ruining her credit anyway"
"this is your fault anyway"
"what?"
"you don't pay enough attention to me, so I'm bored and I have nothing to do so i gamble"
NOTE: the above has been repeated many times in conversation. she refuses suggestions to go out and meet friends, to pick up a hobby, to go to the gym
*a few more minutes of stupid, repetitive, bullsh!t*
Me: "I'll give you two options. Tell your mom OR I'll give you the money, and I don't want to talk to you again."
"send me the money"
"this isn't going to be like usual. It's done this time, i've been tired for awhile, but i thought you'd change. i really don't care whether you feel happy or sad about it afterwards, but if you don't change, you got a lot of hard times ahead of you"
"money"
*click*
Now, every part of me is saying "fvck you, we're done, and you're not getting sh!t from me". But, the part of me that cares about her, that wants to make her happy, refuses to just let it go. She's so stubborn that I know no matter how bad it gets, she won't ask her parents. And, I don't know what kind of stupid sh!t she will do to get the money. So i sent to her. Checked her account later, she had transferred it immediately on receipt, probably didn't even think twice.
I guess we're done. 2 years, just like that. I'm not sure how I feel. Relieved, maybe? Sad, a little? Pathetic, very. I don't know who "won", but I sure as hell don't feel like a winner. I guess I got off easy though. $500 for my freedom, at least it didn't cost me another 10 years, an engagement/wedding ring, and a few cars.
If any of you read this far, I appreciate it. I posted it more for myself than for any criticism, advice, or comments so I guess a .txt saved to my desktop would have done just as well. I'll hand out some advice of my own though, for anyone who feels like they're in the same situation as me.
I'm not so bitter, petty, and immature to go out and get wasted, and screw her friends, but I can say that a part of me is totally excited about what the future has to offer me. Don't ever think it's too late to just give up and start anew. Even if it takes every ounce of mental strength you can muster, and even some borrowed strength, let them go. No such thing as wasted time, but there such thing as wasting more time.
-----------------------------------------------
cliffs:
i bought my freedom for $500
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