I still don't believe this is entirely about your brother.
It just feels too much like your father is bouncing around looking for the best place for him with no regard for the burden he's putting on people.
I appreciate your thoughts and have given some of them significant consideration, but with respect you are wrong about a couple basic things in this situation.
1. My father doesn't want to burden anyone and has expressed as much multiple times. He was very upset that I yelled at my brother because he feels that he is the root of it. His whole life has been spent avoiding conflict, mainly by giving up everything he has or wants to make sure that others are happy.
2. You seem to think that I am expecting my brother to quit his job and become a full time caregiver. I don't. I do expect my brother to integrate my father into his family (as I did), and to give him some attention every now and then. My father does not need nor does he ask for my brother or I to spend the entire weekend with him. But it would not kill my brother to check in with him once a day by phone (if he can;t be there in person) and to spend an hour or two with him on the weekends. As it stands my brother is never home, his husband ignores my father, and my father is left alone for weeks on end.
It sounds like your father wants everyone else to make sacrifices, but he's not willing to do any work. The only semi legitimate thing he's brought up is the food situation, and even that doesn't sound that bad. He's still going to the grocery store once a week. Seems like he just doesn't care for what they have in their kitchen.
Again, my father doesn't want to burden anyone. HE wasn't the one who initiated the move back to the states. My brother did that, after talking with me.
As for the food - my father is diabetic and has crohn's disease (managed). He has certain dietary restrictions as a result. He also has a very limited income. My brother and his husband eat out 99% of the time and literally have almost no food in the house. What they do have my father cannot or should not eat. Spicy processed mexican rice and dairy are not options for someone with Crohn's. My father literally ate nothing but potatoes for 5 days because that was all that was in the house and my brother was leaving at 8AM and coming home at 11PM every night.
I've been through this. My situation was oddly similar, with 'family stealing his money' and 'family taking advantage of him', so I moved him across the country into my home. After a year or so he 'wanted freedom' (if he lived in my place he had to help out with the yard etc, be a family member not a freeloader) so I found and paid for a place for him. My wife and I were seeing him at least once a week, all holidays, I was giving him quite a bit of money, reliable car, living situations, food, household goods, clothes, etc. He's former military and had a full VA pension on top of that.
In his situation the biggest complaint was that we didn't have time for him. Meanwhile wife and I were both working 40+ hour a week jobs, so spending an entire sat/sun plus all holidays was quite a bit for us.
I appreciate that you have been through this situation. I too have some experience with elderly relatives. My grandmother lived with my family when I was growing up, and I watched my aunt and mother take car of her (and later, my grandfather). So I have some idea of what to expect. Once my dad gets to a point where he can't take care of his basic needs, we will be looking for a medicaid supported retirement community. But until that point, the ENTIRE point of having my dad come over to stay with us was so that we could have a relationship with him again.
For the record, I will again say that what my father is reporting is entirely consistent with how I understand my brother and his husband live. I firmly believe that this is not a scenario where my father is spinning a tale to up the "whoa is me" factor.
You said you have a wife. Do you have kids? These things can be extremely stressful on a family, particularly when the person you're trying to help support doesn't seem like much will make them happy.
Yes. 2 kids. I have had the talk with my wife. We had it a year and a half ago before my father moved back. Right before he came to live with us. And again a few days ago. She is on board with anything I decide in this regard.
I feel like you need to first have an open upfront conversation with your wife about what she's comfortable with and what's best for your family.
Already done. And FWIW - my family is inclusive of my father. I am not going to abandon him when I am partly the cause of him being in the USA to begin with.
Then call your brother, as a friendly call. Apologize for your outburst, and see if you can get his side of the story.
I have a call scheduled with my brother this weekend. Everyone involved is to be present (brother, his husband, my wife, etc.). I will be civil. But I will not apologize unless it becomes absolutely clear that my father is making stuff up (which I am sure he is not for the reasons discussed above).
After that, take a couple days to think about what you want to do. Like I said before, this is a HUGE decision. Time and life-wise this is no different than raising a child through 18 years old.
Well understood. I took that time a year ago and still decided to invite my dad to move in with us. Looking back that might have been a mistake (at least in a sense). But on the other hand I do not regret it at all and would probably make the same decision again. As much as my father frustrates me sometimes, all it takes to make it worth it is for me to see him with my kids.
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