Writing a love bit, fictional, am going to update along the way but want input.

[narzy]

Please PLEASE disregard any spelling, grammer or any other construct abnormalities, its a very rought draft. also do your best to work past the fact its one lump paragraph.

yesterday morning I had a meeting, I agreed to meet my GF for lunch since we were both downtown and it seemed like a good idea, which it was, we went to our favorite restraunt downtown called J.James its an expensive, fine dining joint, and was apropriate as I was in a suit and she was in formal attire for what she was doing that morning (I forget). well my meeting gets done early so I head over to the jewlrey shop (bad move) I had been considering proposal, but not real seriously, I was happy they way things were. anyway I come across this 3 caret grade A set dimon in a white gold setting, on a platnum ring, on sale, I've been friends with the jewler for years and he see's me looking at it, (its a set of engagement, wedding, and male wedding band) and offers a great deal to me. so I take him up on his offer as I have the money. buy it and have it in my pocket wile I go over to J.James, he made a crack to me when I was leaving about propsing and we laughed pretty hard. so I get there, and she's radiating like the sun as she always does. and go inside and order. round one comes out of the kitchen (the apatizer) and I drop my fork by accident, I reach down to get it, and I'm struck with this feeling, it was the oddest damn thing. at that point the rings box was slipping out of my pocket, and I looked up at her with a very worried face. I reach for the box, intending to put it back in, instead somthing came over me and compelled me to take it out, open the lid, and say "will you marry me." I was in complete shock, I had no clue what I was doing, I was nuts by all accounts. and then she said the words I dredded most..."YES! OMG YES!" she then pulled me off my feet, I had a look of horror on my face, and gave me the biggest tounge kiss ever.

 

[djheater]

I don't get it.

 

[MaxDepth]

and this one time, in band camp...

 

[brigden]

Have you been smoking pot?

 

[AreaCode707]

Multiple sentences are a good thing, mmmkay?

Referring to a french kiss as a tongue kiss, in a fictional story, makes it sound like you're writing it for the internet. I found the actual ring-falling-out-of-pocket proposal bit to be a little confusing, had to read it twice, so you may want to rewrite that bit and clarify what's going on.

 

[waylman]

Don't quit your day job!

 

[Encryptic]

Needs a lot of work, but it's a reasonably good start, concept-wise.

 

[narzy]

thanks hot chick and encryptic, for the positive and constructive feedback. and thanks Djhater for the attempt.

keep in mind that it is a rough draft, and this is how I start writing I just shoot out of all orifices then clean up the mess later.
hotChic, I wouldn't give the french the pleasure of naming such a great thing using the name of their country. as for the ring bit, I too after a re-read came across it as difficult to fallow and I will focus some mop up efforts there.


As for you waylman, I don't see you posting anything like this, I would also like to add, I make more in a year, then you'll make in 10...I wrote this as some entertainment for myself when I was bored and to show off a hobby I'm interested in. Authors don't make a lot of money traditionally, and quite frankly its not a profession I want to get involved with. I do it for fun, on my own free time to let some creativity loose.

My writing is very practical and down to earth, at least thats what I like to think, and is usually a factitous story that could happen in everyday life. This story just happens to be about an 18 yr olds proposal to his girlfriend and the aftermath of the event. (sorry havent written the beginning yet...) this one happens to include some subject matter that is related to my life, including the males age, and the length of the relationship he's had with the girl as I have had with my GF. This story is written as a first hand account, most likely the day after the even ocoured.

I have not proposed to my GF, nor do I intend too any time soon tho I never rule anything out.

 

[Encryptic]

Originally posted by: narzy
thanks hot chick and encryptic, for the positive and constructive feedback. and thanks Djhater for the attempt.

keep in mind that it is a rough draft, and this is how I start writing I just shoot out of all orifices then clean up the mess later.
hotChic, I wouldn't give the french the pleasure of naming such a great thing using the name of their country. as for the ring bit, I too after a re-read came across it as difficult to fallow and I will focus some mop up efforts there.


As for you waylman, I don't see you posting anything like this, I would also like to add, I make more in a year, then you'll make in 10...I wrote this as some entertainment for myself when I was bored and to show off a hobby I'm interested in. Authors don't make a lot of money traditionally, and quite frankly its not a profession I want to get involved with. I do it for fun, on my own free time to let some creativity loose.

My writing is very practical and down to earth, at least thats what I like to think, and is usually a factitous story that could happen in everyday life. This story just happens to be about an 18 yr olds proposal to his girlfriend and the aftermath of the event. (sorry havent written the beginning yet...) this one happens to include some subject matter that is related to my life, including the males age, and the length of the relationship he's had with the girl as I have had with my GF. This story is written as a first hand account, most likely the day after the even ocoured.

I have not proposed to my GF, nor do I intend too any time soon tho I never rule anything out.

Sounds good. Keep working on it and come back with a cleaner draft of this.

 

[Stratum9]

keep in mind that it is a rough draft, and this is how I start writing I just shoot out of all orifices then clean up the mess later.

As Hemingway once remarked, "the first draft of anything is sh!t!"

With that in mind, you'll probably get better, more constructive feedback once you've re-written it a few times. It's difficult to say much of anything about someone's stream-of-consciousness narration that lacks even the most basic rules of the English language.

 

[narzy]

the primitive rules of english are applied but not basic . but I wanted input like hotchick gave to make sure I wasn't drifting too far off where when I re-read it I can't make heads or tails of WTF I was thinking.

 

[Encryptic]

Originally posted by: Stratum9

keep in mind that it is a rough draft, and this is how I start writing I just shoot out of all orifices then clean up the mess later.

As Hemingway once remarked, "the first draft of anything is sh!t!"

Hemingway is a wise man, judging from looking at some of the dreck I've written in the past (I've got a couple of unfinished novels sitting on my hard drive).