Women problems

[Grminalac]

Well, this is the first time I have ever spoke to any fellow anandtechers on any sort of a personal level. Perhaps i am doing this because I am a complete idiot. Perhaps I am writing because there is really noone i can trust to talk with about this stuff that I know. One way or another things I discuss with people I "trust" get spread around it makes the issue a bit messy. (why do people have to open their big mouths?)

Anyway, I'm in my early twenties, I was engaged to a beautiful girl 2 years younger than me. I bought her a huge expensive ring and all that jazz, we planned on moving in together, but all of a sudden things turned sour. The fact is we really don't get along, we don't we fight over STUPID crap, not even worth getting into. So basically my life sucked and i could not face living in a marriage that I had no chance of being happy in. We both agreed to this. And broke off the engagement. We both loved each other, but it made no sense to go through life being uncompatible. I was quite heartbroken to say the least, although i wanted out, i knew in my heart I wanted out. I was devastated. I was depressed. I even went so far as to move back in with my parents as I didn't want to be alone... Pathetic yes i know... I should have gone out and partied it up with my friends but hanging out in the same dismal bar every weekend did not appeal to me. So i did what everyone should do in a situation like mine, i went out and bought a BMW. Overnight things changed, she wanted to be back with me.... It wasn't because of the car per se. As I spent money like it was going out of style before, it was basically because she realized that i was getting on with my life, and she couldn't, she was too unhappy. (Note: she isn't a money grubber, in fact she would have been perfectly content with a wedding ring from walmart or such as that, I'm the one that spends the money. shes happy with a gift of a beanie baby or something small, I'm the one that goes overboard and buys jewelry and tickets to cancun and plans trips and stuff.) Anyway the single life wasn't as great as people think it will be when they are together. I believe she was afraid I would soon find someone else, (due to my pimpin ride) and my laissez fair lifestyle. I wasn't really looking for someone else.... So we kind of got back together, which is strange because were doomed to fail miserably again, and breaking off an engagement is rough especially when you are still in love.... But in reality we don't even do anything anymore, we don't have any plans for the future and she does not really want to do anything besides work, and go home. The magic we had as a couple seems to be gone, we can't even have a good time together. I believe shes holding onto me now because she does not want anyone else to have me...
Anyway I went out with a few co workers to a bar and I get loaded up. (I don't go out very often, cause she does not like me going out to bars which I don't blame her.) So I'm there at the bar and a co worker of mine who is a very very smart, extremely hot, ex-gymnast starts hitting on me pretty hard, she buys me drinks. We both were drinking and she tells me that I should stay at her house instead of driving home. I do not believe her intention was sexual, but it was overtly friendly if you catch my drift. I had really liked this girl since day one, but honestly I did nothing to show her i had any interest. So anyway I decline. I go home. I'm not really sure what to do now. I do love my ex-fiance, but I feel that we will be caught in the same rut, uncompatible, me a wannabe traveler and money spender, and her a down to earth country girl that is afraid to move out cause she will leave her mom alone at home. I think I want to end it and go out with this gymnast, but I feel so wrong in doing so... I am pretty pathetic when it comes to those sorts of things, I guess, well even if I get no replies I feel better to have gotten my thoughts down in writing.
Note, I will not just go out with the gymnast and leave my ex in dumpsville, I love her too much to do that and I would hate to have the same done to me... I just hold the belief that life is too short to be in a bad marriage, which is where the both of us will end up if it continues. Bringing kids into a situation like that isn't good either.. well enough ranting

 

[punkrawket]

i don't know what to tell you man.... do what you think is best...

but OT here..... your link in your sig doesn't work... you have http:// and < B R > those shouldn't be there

 

[tweakmm]

well... I haven't lived as much as you have, but from my perspective:
go with the gymnist
life is too short to be unhapy
(god, sometimes i wish i would take my own advice)

 

[notfred]

Note, I will not just go out with the gymnast and leave my ex in dumpsville.

Um, then what are you posting here for, if you don't want advice?

It's obvious that you and your fiance (if she's your ex, then she's already in dupsville) are NOT working out. You have to move on. Don't spend the rest of your life with someone you don't get along with just because you dont want to hurt her feelings.

I don't care either way whether or not you go out with the gymnast.

 

[Drew1082]

Until you are able to sacrifice you're "relationship" for your happiness, you are going no where. It's like trying to walk up the down escilators. Yer gonna have to hurt someone..... but is it gonna be you that gets hurt?

 

[Grminalac]

I guess your right drew. To be honest I'm somewhat embarassed by the fact that i had to wait until someone else came along before i decided to grow enough balls to do what I have to do. I suppose thats why women call men pigs, although i'm sure that they do the same thing often. Its probably not that I'm being a jerk as I never really showed feelings toward the other girl at all.
When i said I'm not just gonna dump her and run off I meant that i still have enough respect to sit down with her and talk it out instead of just sleeping with the other girl one lonely night.
Makes things more difficult because of issues in her house, house close to foreclosure, father very ill. Look I know that makes me look bad, but we were bad together before that happened...

lose/lose situation.

 

[jjones]

i've been in exactly the same situation as you. i was 23 and engaged to be married but i knew the marriage wouldn't last so i called it off a few weeks before the wedding. we were living together at the time and went our separate ways a couple of months later.

we stayed friends although not really in touch but we were both is the same general community so we knew what each of us was up to much of the time. well, one day the inevitable phone call came and we started talking again and pretty soon we were seeing each other again. we started going out for a period of time, however, the basic incompatibility was still there and i knew it wasn't going to happen long term.

i felt the same way as you. i knew she wanted to hang on to our relationship even though it was very poor and i felt that it would be difficult to break up because she would take it very hard and she also had periods of depression that used to worry me quite a bit. i continued on with the relationship for some time feeling guilty about continuing yet feeling guilty if i were to break it off.

well, i can tell you from experience that the best thing to do is break it off as quickly as possible. the right time to break it off will never come and it will never be a better day to break up with her. you acknowledge that it is not going to happen long term and you're just trying to avoid hurting her like i did to my girlfriend. that hurt is going to happen some time and it is a waste of your time and hers, not to mention unfair to both of you, to put it off. you both need to get on with your lives.

 

[gotsmack]

dude you HAVE to go out with the gymnist. She can do wierd "stuff" to you if you get my drift. ::nudge:: ::nudge:: say no more.


but seriously you have to kick her to the curb now. And I'll tell you why. It is because if you don't you'll be committing the greatest moral sin ever: Not being honest to yourself.

You know its not going to work out. It looks like youe ex is only holding you back because of her own selfish reasons, is that the kind of person you want to be with?

 

[Looney]

Well, sounds like you know exactly what is wrong with your relationship and what you need to do... but you need us to validate your decision to make you feel less guilty. I'll say you're right, that isn't the relationship for you... you seem rational enough to realize that. She wants you out of depression and fear, not because of love.

 

[777php]

It sounds like you've already made up your mind and you just need to find a way to break it off without hurting her.

 

[Grminalac]

Yes, i suppose you are all right... I just needed someone else to have the same thoughts as me. If i even had a glimmer of hope that myself and my ex could make it i would stay faithfully by her side... I haven't even really seen her more than 3 times in the past month and then only briefly, and we live 12 miles away. If anything i think she needs to grow up and experience life herself, she skipped out of going to college and i believe i am partly responsible for that.

Yes I have given considerable thought as to what a gymnast would be able to do. Dear lord....

 

[Grunt03]

Sounds pretty simple to me.Put it all on the line with your ex.Just tell her how you feel, that you are attracted to her but that is about it.
Instead being in a situation that eighter of you can enjoy end it on good terms. You do not have to be mean to her, you can still be the
gentleman and hold the door open on her way out.
You are in your earlie twenties, which is way to young to start the commitment thing. Marrage is a big step and is susposed to be for life.
Enjoy yourself while you have your youth, look to get serious when you approach 30.Travel, see the world and enjoy life.Take th ecountry
chick.

 

[Mister T]

what BMW you have?

<---- trying to lighten up the mood

 

[m5wu]

i hear you bro, i have a similar problem with my girlfriend. i'm going to talk to her about our problem when school is out, I recommend you talk to your girlfriend too-the sooner the better, because the gymnast is waiting

 

[Presence]

<< So i did what everyone should do in a situation like mine, i went out and bought a BMW >>




Lol I love how you say that line after you moved in with your parents....

Anyways....

Most couples when they first start living with each othger go through a hell period where you have to learn how to adjust with each other. I know me and my wife went through that ...after the first 3 months or so we remembered why we fell in love with each other in the first place. And the things that use to bother you or annoy you fade away....oh BTW not everyone can just go out and buy a BMW when they are going through a difficult time...

 

[ImTyping]

sigh.
another 12 year old mentality messing with women.
wait until your balls drop before you try to get laid again. maybe then your head will be on straight.

oh, and where are the fscking pictures???

 

[Muadib]

LOL @ ImTyping, but I gotta agree with him. I mean come on Grminalac. It sounds like you're comming up with every excuse to avoid doing
what clearly must be done. The longer you put it off, the worst it's going to be. It's time to grow up son.

 

[cressida]

hmm.... puzzled

 

[HOWITIS]

seems like a guy as loaded as you could easily find some one that makes you happy.

isn't being happy what really matters? you gotta do whats best for you, and you already know what that is.

 

[skace]

So lemme get this straight. You've got a beautiful, caring, intelligent girl who has tons of compassion (cares for her mom), loves you a lot, and wishes to settle down. Then you've got some ex gymnist who just wants to get you drunk and get in your pants? But you are all "I wanna travel the world" and "I don't want to fix my relationship" so you just want to dump her ass, screw the gymnist and then continue traveling the world? Okkaay.

Little tip, relationships require work, you guys won't always click constantly. People who fall in love often don't have many things in common. People who are able to give and take and make a relationship work are the ones who find true happiness. You just want things perfect without any work.

Heres what you wanna hear: Dump the perfect girl and screw the ex-gymnist. Gluck in all your worldly travels!