- Nov 7, 2000
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Will someone post some jokes to cheer me up?
- Thread starter HardcoreRobot
- Start date
- Nov 7, 2000
- 16,403
- 3
- 81
Legendary
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- Jan 22, 2002
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Stolen from collegehumor.com:
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant." The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Don't ever underestimate old geezers
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant." The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Don't ever underestimate old geezers
cKGunslinger
Lifer
- Nov 29, 1999
- 16,408
- 57
- 91
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and raciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him. "We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.
Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again. Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him. "We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.
Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again. Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
Did you hear about Helen Kellers new book?
Around the block in 80 days
Jack and Jill went up the hill a buck and a quarter apiece. Jill came down with 2.50 that f*cking whore
Little Boy Blue........ He needed the money
Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey, along came a spider and sat down beside her, and said, "YO, WHAT'S IN THE BOWL BITCH!!"
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor old dog a bone, she bent over and Rover took over ohhh she got a bone of her own
Ok, this joke is ripped off from Boondock Saints (probably before that, but that's where I got it from), and it's kinda racist (if it's a problem let me know and I'll get rid of it) but here you go:
A white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican guy are walking along and they run into a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you each one wish."
The black guy says, "That's easy, I want all of my people back home in Africa and happy." Poof, all the black people are back in Africa.
The Mexican guy says, "Yeah, I want all my people back in Mexico and happy." Poof, all the Mexicans are back in Mexico.
The genie then turns to the white guy and says, "And what do you want?"
The white guy says, "You're telling me all the black people and mexican people are out of America?"
"Yup," says the genie.
"Then I'll have a coke."
A white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican guy are walking along and they run into a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you each one wish."
The black guy says, "That's easy, I want all of my people back home in Africa and happy." Poof, all the black people are back in Africa.
The Mexican guy says, "Yeah, I want all my people back in Mexico and happy." Poof, all the Mexicans are back in Mexico.
The genie then turns to the white guy and says, "And what do you want?"
The white guy says, "You're telling me all the black people and mexican people are out of America?"
"Yup," says the genie.
"Then I'll have a coke."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he?s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, ?It looks like you blew a seal.?
?No, no,? the penguin replies, ?it?s just ice cream.?
A man hears a knock on his door. He opens it but doesn't see anyone there. However, in his searches, he finds a snail on his doormat. Still infuriated, he picks it up and throws it as far as he can.
Five years later, there is a knock on the door again, but when the man opens it, once again there is nobody there. He looks around and sees a snail again.
The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stands up to leave a bar and falls flat on his face.
?Maybe all I need is some fresh air,? he thinks as he crawls outside. Once outside, he tries to stand up again, but falls face first in the mud.
?Screw it,? he thinks. ?I?ll just crawl home, then.?
The next morning, his wife finds him in the hallway, asleep. ?You went out drinking last night, didn?t you?? she asks.
?How?d you know?? he replies, angered by the implications.
?You left your wheelchair at the bar again.?
As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breath. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
?Well,? he whispered, ?I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ?Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!??
?He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ?George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!??
?We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.?
A father is passing by his son?s college late one night on a business trip and decides to stop in for a visit. Arriving at what he thinks is the fraternity house, he knocks on the front door.
?Whaddaya want?? a voice calls down from the second floor.
?Does Jimmy Duncan live here?? the father calls up.
?Yup,? replies the voice. ?Just leave him on the porch like usual.?
An old man walks into a doctor?s office and says, ?There?s something wrong with my penis.?
The embarrassed receptionist leans over her desk and whispers, ?Sir, you shouldn?t say something like that in a crowded office.?
?What am I supposed to do?? he asks.
?You could?ve said you have a problem with your ear and then discussed it with the doctor privately.?
?OK, I?ll try again.?
So the old man walks out of the office, returns a moment later, and says, ?There?s something wrong with my ear.?
?OK,? the receptionist says approvingly. ?What?s wrong with your ear??
?I can?t piss out of it.?
An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out before retiring."
So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself.
"How did you loose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter.
"Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the pirate.
"OK", said the clerk, "How did you loose your hand?"
"Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand."
The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked,"Is that how you lost your eye?
"Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it shiat in me eye."
"You don?t loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk.
"But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried.
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r- ride!!!!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
A Bear and a Rabbit are pooping in the woods. The Bear looks at the rabbit and quizzicly asks, "Do you have problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies, "No", so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you poop on its head.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that?Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.Lady 1: Where did you get it?Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
A husband and wife were getting ready for bed when the woman looks in the mirror. "My breasts are too small," she complains. "What can I do?"
"Well," said her husband, "you could try taking a piece of toilet paper and rubbing it between your breasts every day. After a while they will grow much larger."
The wife is curious. "Why do you think that will make my breasts get bigger?" she asks.
"Well," her husband replied, "It worked for your ass, didn't it?"
One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a check.
There was a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady. The kid could not help but notice her size. "Dad look at her! She is so huge!"
The father replied, "Be quiet! You must be polite and don't hurt her feelings."
The kid persisted, "But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!"
The father, rather embarrassed, said, "Stop it or I'll take you outside!"
Just about then the ladies pager goes off ... "beep... beep... beep..."
The kid screams "Dad look out! She's backing up!"
Two sausages are cooking in a frying pan. One sausage says, "Hey, is it just me, or is it warm in here?" To which the other sausage replies,"AAAAAHHH!!! A Talking Sausage!!!"
What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
NACHO Cheese!
How do you make a clown stop laughing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
Howdo you make a cat go woof?
Douse him in kerosene and toss him in the fire place.
Apirate walks into a bar, and strolls up to the bar for a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says 'Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate looks at him and says "Arrrrrrrr, it's drivin me nuts!"
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he?s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, ?It looks like you blew a seal.?
?No, no,? the penguin replies, ?it?s just ice cream.?
A man hears a knock on his door. He opens it but doesn't see anyone there. However, in his searches, he finds a snail on his doormat. Still infuriated, he picks it up and throws it as far as he can.
Five years later, there is a knock on the door again, but when the man opens it, once again there is nobody there. He looks around and sees a snail again.
The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that for?"
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stands up to leave a bar and falls flat on his face.
?Maybe all I need is some fresh air,? he thinks as he crawls outside. Once outside, he tries to stand up again, but falls face first in the mud.
?Screw it,? he thinks. ?I?ll just crawl home, then.?
The next morning, his wife finds him in the hallway, asleep. ?You went out drinking last night, didn?t you?? she asks.
?How?d you know?? he replies, angered by the implications.
?You left your wheelchair at the bar again.?
As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breath. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
?Well,? he whispered, ?I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ?Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!??
?He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ?George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!??
?We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.?
A father is passing by his son?s college late one night on a business trip and decides to stop in for a visit. Arriving at what he thinks is the fraternity house, he knocks on the front door.
?Whaddaya want?? a voice calls down from the second floor.
?Does Jimmy Duncan live here?? the father calls up.
?Yup,? replies the voice. ?Just leave him on the porch like usual.?
An old man walks into a doctor?s office and says, ?There?s something wrong with my penis.?
The embarrassed receptionist leans over her desk and whispers, ?Sir, you shouldn?t say something like that in a crowded office.?
?What am I supposed to do?? he asks.
?You could?ve said you have a problem with your ear and then discussed it with the doctor privately.?
?OK, I?ll try again.?
So the old man walks out of the office, returns a moment later, and says, ?There?s something wrong with my ear.?
?OK,? the receptionist says approvingly. ?What?s wrong with your ear??
?I can?t piss out of it.?
An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out before retiring."
So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself.
"How did you loose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter.
"Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the pirate.
"OK", said the clerk, "How did you loose your hand?"
"Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand."
The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked,"Is that how you lost your eye?
"Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it shiat in me eye."
"You don?t loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk.
"But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried.
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r- ride!!!!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
A Bear and a Rabbit are pooping in the woods. The Bear looks at the rabbit and quizzicly asks, "Do you have problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replies, "No", so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you poop on its head.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that?Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.Lady 1: Where did you get it?Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
A husband and wife were getting ready for bed when the woman looks in the mirror. "My breasts are too small," she complains. "What can I do?"
"Well," said her husband, "you could try taking a piece of toilet paper and rubbing it between your breasts every day. After a while they will grow much larger."
The wife is curious. "Why do you think that will make my breasts get bigger?" she asks.
"Well," her husband replied, "It worked for your ass, didn't it?"
One day a father and his five year old son went to the bank to cash a check.
There was a few people in front of them waiting for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather large well dressed business lady. The kid could not help but notice her size. "Dad look at her! She is so huge!"
The father replied, "Be quiet! You must be polite and don't hurt her feelings."
The kid persisted, "But dad she must weigh as much as a truck!"
The father, rather embarrassed, said, "Stop it or I'll take you outside!"
Just about then the ladies pager goes off ... "beep... beep... beep..."
The kid screams "Dad look out! She's backing up!"
Two sausages are cooking in a frying pan. One sausage says, "Hey, is it just me, or is it warm in here?" To which the other sausage replies,"AAAAAHHH!!! A Talking Sausage!!!"
What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
NACHO Cheese!
How do you make a clown stop laughing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
Howdo you make a cat go woof?
Douse him in kerosene and toss him in the fire place.
Apirate walks into a bar, and strolls up to the bar for a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says 'Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate looks at him and says "Arrrrrrrr, it's drivin me nuts!"
cKGunslinger
Lifer
- Nov 29, 1999
- 16,408
- 57
- 91
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it
was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked
her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked
her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the
child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
- Nov 7, 2000
- 16,403
- 3
- 81
A man walks into a bar with a small amphibian in his arm. The bartender asks him what the name of his pet is. The man replies "His name's Tiny." The bartender asks "Why's his name Tiny?" The man says "Because he's my newt."
ok the black mexicn white joke made me laugh after a really bed meeting...thanks! 
disclamer: I do not advocate racism in case anyone was offended....
disclamer: I do not advocate racism in case anyone was offended....
this is a pretty bad one, by my friend told me it, and i find it kinda funny.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
NOTHING. You've already told her twice.
lol. sorry, it's the best I've got.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
NOTHING. You've already told her twice.
lol. sorry, it's the best I've got.
cKGunslinger
Lifer
- Nov 29, 1999
- 16,408
- 57
- 91
thats just cruel and unusal punishment man[/quote]
Yeah, but getting at least 3 people to fall for it was definiely worth it.
cKGunslinger
Lifer
- Nov 29, 1999
- 16,408
- 57
- 91
here are some quick one-liners from Steve Wright:
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
- I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
room-temperature.
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- You can't have everything...where would you put it?
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
- I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always
room-temperature.
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- You can't have everything...where would you put it?
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
- Nov 7, 2000
- 16,403
- 3
- 81
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