Why the immense pressure to have children?

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dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
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There is "immense pressure" because your wife makes a mountain out of a molehill. I mean really, you've been living there for quite a while and just now one person asks you a question. Good God! Call the police, this is an emergency! Somone asked a question! They are forcing me and my wife to have a child at gunpoint! Aaaaaa...

In reality, it was just an ice breaker. A simple yes/no answer works just as well. "We aren't going to have kids". Plain and simple. No need to feel uncomfortable. No need to worry. And a simple question certainly isn't "immense pressure".

My ex-wife was the same way. Any mention of kids by anyone (even when not talking about us) would make her furious. She didn't want kids because we didn't have sex, we didn't have sex because she didn't love me and was secretly dating other men behind my back. Of course, she couldn't tell anyone her real secret. So she overreacted and complained about such "immense pressure". I'm not saying that your wife is cheating on you, but I am saying she is WAY overreacting.

I have seen pressure from relatives, but a neighbor asking an innocent question is not pressure.

Relatives give pressure because of the work/benefit ratio. They put a massive amount of work into raising you so that they can have the benefit of grandchildren (all the fun and no work). They have been wanting that since the day you were born (maybe even earlier). And you are depriving them of their goals. Of course, you have that right. But you should look at it from their side and see the disappointment. 34 years of dreaming dashed. They should suck it up and stop saying anything about it. But, I suspect you haven't ever outright told them that there will NEVER be any kids either.

Tell them that you will never have kids, and after an initial heated discussion, the "immense pressure" will probably end.
 

vi edit

Elite Member
Super Moderator
Oct 28, 1999
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Originally posted by: dainthomas
Originally posted by: MrWizzard
It's easy for someone who has children to think they are better than someone who doesn't.

One reason I can think of is once you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.

Not saying you are just what most people say who wait to have kids till they are older.

This never made sense to me. If anything people who have kids tend to be more selfish since they are contributing to overpopulation for the sole (or at least majority) reason of passing on their genetic material. If it was just to have a family with your SO, then there are plenty of children available for adoption.

Look at the population growth for the US. We are actually at a negative(not counting immigration). If a family has two kids then it's a zero sum game. You and your spouse die, your kids replace you. Net growth of zero.

Adoption is a horribly long, expensive, and emotionally draining experience. It is a wonderful avenue for couples that are physically incable of conceiving, but for everyone else it just makes more since to have your own.
 

Nightfall

Golden Member
Nov 16, 1999
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Originally posted by: DangerAardvark
I want enough kids to start a band. Plus a couple more to fill out the percussion section.

It's ironic that having a child can either be one of the most selfless things you do or one of the most selfish.

QFT

Perception is important to a lot of people. Its too bad that opinions of others about yourself are more important that how you feel about yourself inside. Not everyone feels like that, but a lot of people do.
 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
24,998
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Originally posted by: dainthomas
This never made sense to me. If anything people who have kids tend to be more selfish since they are contributing to overpopulation for the sole (or at least majority) reason of passing on their genetic material. If it was just to have a family with your SO, then there are plenty of children available for adoption.
I don't buy that argument. Passing on genetic material gives NO benefit to you at all. But, you are correct that it does harm the world with more overpopulation.

People usually don't have kids for selfish reasons. Kids eat into your free time. Kids take up your money. Kids take away your sleep and your freedom to do what you want. Kids create pain and hassles. They want to keep their time, money, sleep, freedom, etc. Those are selfish ideas.

Helping to stop the overpopulation problem is a good goal. But I've never heard anyone use that as a reason to not have kids. They don't have kids because they can't or because the kids would interfere with their lives.

 

Nightfall

Golden Member
Nov 16, 1999
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Originally posted by: dullard
There is "immense pressure" because your wife makes a mountain out of a molehill. I mean really, you've been living there for quite a while and just now one person asks you a question. Good God! Call the police, this is an emergency! Somone asked a question! They are forcing me and my wife to have a child at gunpoint! Aaaaaa...

To a certain point, it is my wife making a mountain out of a molehill. The other side of things is my wife works in a customer service role (of sorts) and knows everyone that comes into the store in which she works. I think the issue here is that she gets asked by someone at that store at least 1-2 times a day. We live in a very conservative area and that factors into things as well. She needs to develop thicker skin, but also, I know that she gets hit with that question a lot and she is getting fed up with it.

Those questions will never end. Even if we have one, people will ask if we are going to have another. At #2 or #3, people will ask why we had so many. Its a never ending circle. The key is to live your life to its fullest. If that means no children, so be it.
 

sygyzy

Lifer
Oct 21, 2000
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Why is your wife against having kids? The way you make it sound, not only is she not interested, she's really adamantly against it. I don't really know anyone that feels that strongly about it.
 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
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Originally posted by: Nightfall
Those questions will never end. Even if we have one, people will ask if we are going to have another. At #2 or #3, people will ask why we had so many. Its a never ending circle. The key is to live your life to its fullest. If that means no children, so be it.
Exactly. No matter how many children you have, she'll still get the same questions. So, she needs to be stronger about answering them. If she is confident with her reasons, it shouldn't be a problem. I suspect that she isn't yet confident of her reasons, and thus discussing the issue bothers her. Or maybe she thinks you aren't confident of the reasons and doesn't want to hurt you.
 

Demon-Xanth

Lifer
Feb 15, 2000
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Originally posted by: dullard
People usually don't have kids for selfish reasons. Kids eat into your free time. Kids take up your money. Kids take away your sleep and your freedom to do what you want. Kids create pain and hassles. They want to keep their time, money, sleep, freedom, etc. Those are selfish ideas.

Selfish implies that they're doing it for thier good rather than someone else's.

...so who does HAVING kids benefit?



It's like saying "I don't own a hot rod because I don't want to spend the time to work on it and maintain it.". You don't see people going around thinking that they MUST own a hotrod otherwise they're selfish. They just make a decision based on what they want. They choose time and money over a kid.
 

imported_Imp

Diamond Member
Dec 20, 2005
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I respect anyone's decision not to have kids, and honestly think that some people should be sterilized to preserve society. However, at the same time, I see people whom I respect and are turning 50 with no children (or plans), which is kind of sad. They'd probably be great parents, but instead, will die alone along with their 'bloodline'.
 

Special K

Diamond Member
Jun 18, 2000
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Originally posted by: dullard

People usually don't have kids for selfish reasons. Kids eat into your free time. Kids take up your money. Kids take away your sleep and your freedom to do what you want. Kids create pain and hassles. They want to keep their time, money, sleep, freedom, etc. Those are selfish ideas.

I don't see how it can be truly selfish since the child doesn't even exist yet. Now if you have a kid and then continue to spend just as much time and money on your own personal interests as you did before the child was born, then I think that would be selfish.

I don't see what's so bad about valuing your own freedom and money over having children. It's a personal decision that a couple should make, and no one should have to feel bad about it.
 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
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Originally posted by: Demon-Xanth
...so who does HAVING kids benefit?
Having kids benefits everyone indirectly. If no one had kids, say goodbye to retirement since we'd all have to work to survive. As we are, we work hard when young adults and live off of other young adult's labors when we retire. No kids = no retirement. A world without any kids at all may be ok for a while, but it sure would eventually suck.
I don't see what's so bad about valuing your own freedom and money over having children. It's a personal decision that a couple should make, and no one should have to feel bad about it.
Selfish doesn't mean anything negative. It means you are looking out for your own interests (which is a good thing as long as it is in the proper moderation). There is nothing bad about valuing your freedom and money and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
 

xtknight

Elite Member
Oct 15, 2004
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Originally posted by: Nightfall
Why the immense pressure from people to have children? I just don't understand why people just can't mind their own business to be honest.

Because people are inconsiderate assholes. Just watch some of George Carlin's videos about the public. Not only are they funny but they're true too.

Having children only benefits the public if they are raised properly by the right parents. For most people, it's not a problem, but if you don't want to have kids then chances are you shouldn't.

Oh, don't take this post as disrespecting those who do want kids. I probably want kids myself. But when you start to push your opinion on others, don't expect a nice response.

The problem isn't really about asking, but about respecting those who wish not to have kids (I'm sure aldamon's case below isn't uncommon).
 

aldamon

Diamond Member
Aug 2, 2000
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Originally posted by: Special K
I don't see what's so bad about valuing your own freedom and money over having children. It's a personal decision that a couple should make, and no one should have to feel bad about it.

My wife works with women (teachers) who have multiple kids and not much spare cash. She is definitely looked down upon for not having children and they don't like to hear about the things we do with our cash and spare time. So she has to listen to them ramble on about the kids/debt and can't share anything we do.

We are also pressured by our parents, but they all live 675 miles away from us, so the pressure is usually just nagging or embarrassing comments in public when they're visiting. What makes it sad is the uncomfortable moments sour the precious time we have together. We're not going to have kids so they can have pictures on their desk/mantle and see them once a year!
 
May 16, 2000
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I don't mean to dismiss it out of hand, but if you don't have kids you simply can't understand. It's really that simple...we'd have no common frame of reference for the discussion. That being said I know some people just have no interest in kids, and that's fine. I can accept that fine, but you have to likewise accept that 90% of the planet won't understand you at all.
 

dainthomas

Lifer
Dec 7, 2004
14,572
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Originally posted by: vi_edit
Pregnancy/childbirth is a horribly long, expensive, and emotionally draining experience.

Fixed! :p

You actually get most adoption related expenses back through various tax credits, particularly if you adopt domestically. Usually people hear about the exorbitant cost of foreign adoption and assume that's how it must work for all of them.

If someone's priority is to have a healthy newborn that hasn't been through a state foster program, then there are many private agencies that work directly with mothers choosing to give their babies another family.


 
Jan 18, 2001
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Just tell your family in no uncertain terms that:
1) neither of you want children
2) you're highly irritated by the relentless battering
3) if you ever do have children, you've decided to lock them in the attic and feed them biscuits and mustard
 

Sentrosi2121

Platinum Member
Aug 8, 2004
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Originally posted by: aldamon
Originally posted by: Special K
I don't see what's so bad about valuing your own freedom and money over having children. It's a personal decision that a couple should make, and no one should have to feel bad about it.

My wife works with women (teachers) who have multiple kids and not much spare cash. She is definitely looked down upon for not having children and they don't like to hear about the things we do with our cash and spare time. So she has to listen to them ramble on about the kids/debt and can't share anything we do.

No, she's not looked down upon. The other teachers are just jealous. She should never feel like she's inferior because of a personal decision.

We are also pressured by our parents, but they all live 675 miles away from us, so the pressure is usually just nagging or embarrassing comments in public when they're visiting. What makes it sad is the uncomfortable moments sour the precious time we have together. We're not going to have kids so they can have pictures on their desk/mantle and see them once a year!

My wife and I have a 2.5 year old. She's such a darling. But now we found out that my sister-in-law is expecting their second child. Immediately the questions started to be asked to us by her side of the family. My side lives in Wisconsin. Financially we're ok, but we both know that if we have a second one right now, that we'd be treading on thin ice between daycare and such. But you try to tell others that, and they simply push it all aside saying, "It'll work out in the end."

What end are they talking about? The end where our kids get scholarships to Harvard? Can they guarantee that? Or can I rely upon her relatives to fork over the cash if we need it? And not be bitches about the fact that we had to borrow money from them and haven't paid them back after a week? They're Italian, so they know just the right way to put a guilt trip on you.


 

Chaotic42

Lifer
Jun 15, 2001
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Originally posted by: MrWizzard
One reason I can think of is once you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.
Yes, people stop thinking the world revolves around them and start thinking that it revolves around their child.

 

Imdmn04

Platinum Member
Jan 28, 2002
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Because your purpose on earth is to reproduce, speaking from the nature's perspective.
 

TheNewbie

Senior member
Jul 17, 2007
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Kids are just another step/level of an adult to get 'settled'. There is really no argument whether you should or should not have kids.
If you want kids AND you are ready to have them, then you should, if you feel anything else, then you shouldn't.
The problem with you, is that you are obviously not a 100% certain that you don't want to have any kids ever. You are looking for reinforcements, which is fine, but when you'll know for sure you don't want any kids then you wouldn't need any more reinforcements
 

Jeff7

Lifer
Jan 4, 2001
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I read the title, and that Newsweek article was the first thing I thought of. I was quite surprised when I read it.

I also don't understand it. Don't want kids? So what. I guess Americans need something else to add to their already over-inflated egos.


"I wield a kid who is +8 more perfect than your kid is!
I am awarded Ego +20!"


Everything has become a damn competition.:Disgust;




I'm under slight pressure from my parents to have kids - they want grandchildren.
But of course they know that it's my decision, and they only occasionally say it jokingly.


Originally posted by: lozina
It really will be like that movie Idiocracy... the intelligent folk are too busy or too analytical/cautious to have kids while the stupid folk are breeding like bunnies.
Um, I think that's happening already.
 

mooglemania85

Diamond Member
May 3, 2007
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I plan on having a boatload of kids......and at the age of 7, all of my male progeny will enter the agoge.
 

Nightfall

Golden Member
Nov 16, 1999
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Originally posted by: Chaotic42
Originally posted by: MrWizzard
One reason I can think of is once you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.
Yes, people stop thinking the world revolves around them and start thinking that it revolves around their child.
Thats very true.....for better or for worse. You decide.
 

maddogchen

Diamond Member
Feb 17, 2004
8,905
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kids are fun! And life changing.They've experienced something great and want you to experience it too. Its not like they're wishing you harm or something.

Personally I'm not mature enough to have a child. Plus children = less sex. Its true! :p
 

eleison

Golden Member
Mar 29, 2006
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IMHO, having kids when you are younger is the best route. That way if one kid turns out bad e.g., crackwhore, potheadd or sluttt, you still get another chance to make another one.

However, if you ultimately decided that you wanted kids after waiting for a while, there is a higher risk of not being able to conceive because of age. Also, if you are able to conceive, you might be only able to conceive just once.. which would kinda suck if the kid turns out to be the for mentioned crackwore, potheadd or sluttt..etc...