Why the immense pressure to have children?

[Nightfall]

My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years and been going out all through college. All total, we have almost 14 years we have been together. She is 33 and I am 34.

Ever since we got married we have been subject to pressure, mostly from our family, to have children. My wife is totally against having children, and I have been supportive of her decision. To me, children are not a make or break factor as I come from a rather large family and could do without them.

The inquiries lately have been coming up more and more. This time by people outside our families. We went to our housing association meeting last week to discuss some proposed changes to our private drive and that is when my wife and I were approached with the question of when we were going to have kids. Noticing that my wife was quite uncomfortable with the situation, I replied that we couldn't have kids because I was sterile. That put the person asking in a very embarrassing situation. It was good to watch her squirm for a bit before the subject was changed.

Anyway, I found a very good article on this very subject and I thought I might share it and get some thoughts in the anandtech community.

Newsweek Article

Why the immense pressure from people to have children? I just don't understand why people just can't mind their own business to be honest. It isn't like my wife and I ask questions like that. We figure we will let people live their lives and make decisions for themselves.

Why to people who have kids show it off like a badge of honor or a special club? Lets face it, kids are not hard to have. You don't need a special degree or certification to have one. All you need to do is have sex. So why do people perceive themselves to be better than others cause they have kids and you don't? Or just because they have kids and they think their kids are better than others. I just don't get it.

 

[thepd7]

I respect people who decide not to have kids more than those who end up having accidents. My roomate from a few years back decided he never wanted kids and siad he was going to get a vasectomy at 18. I don't know if he did or not but it wouldn't suprise me.

People who are smart enough to recognize that they don't want kids and don't have them are great, just like the people who love kids, prepare for having them and then do it.

It's the people who don't have a clue and then end up having kids that are the idiots and should be asked all the time "when are you going to stop having kids?"

Personally I want 4 kids though. Props to you and your wife for being responsible and that is awesome that you told someone you were sterile. LOL.

 

[Juddog]

I have chosen to not have kids either and my wife is fine with it. She doesn't want to have them and neither do I. I havent' been snipped yet, leaving the option open for some date far in the future, but to be honest there doesn't seem to be any point to it right now. We're the travelling type and have travelled to several countries in Europe and don't feel like getting pegged down in one spot and one set of jobs if we have them.

Heck the world is overpopulated enough as it is.

 

[manowar821]

It's built and trained into our minds from childhood that having kids is "what we're made for". It's annoying and stupid, I agree.

 

[Mermaidman]

I replied that we couldn't have kids because I was sterile.

Hehheh! I'll have to start using that line.

Personally, I think people have children ultimately for selfish reasons. I don't hold it against them though because it's just natural.

 

[RadiclDreamer]

I've been with my wife for 10 years come this october and we just had our first. I had a little bit of pressure from my parents as well as hers to have children, and quite a bit from her to be honest. I in no way let that be a deciding factor. I had a kid when I was good and ready

 

[moshquerade]

Before that there is immense pressure from the relatives to get you married off. :roll:

It because it's just the way things are "supposed to go". It's understandable to get sick of hearing it, but the people who say it mean no harm.

 

[lozina]

It really will be like that movie Idiocracy... the intelligent folk are too busy or too analytical/cautious to have kids while the stupid folk are breeding like bunnies.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: thepd7
I respect people who decide not to have kids more than those who end up having accidents. My roomate from a few years back decided he never wanted kids and siad he was going to get a vasectomy at 18. I don't know if he did or not but it wouldn't suprise me.

People who are smart enough to recognize that they don't want kids and don't have them are great, just like the people who love kids, prepare for having them and then do it.

It's the people who don't have a clue and then end up having kids that are the idiots and should be asked all the time "when are you going to stop having kids?"

Personally I want 4 kids though. Props to you and your wife for being responsible and that is awesome that you told someone you were sterile. LOL.

The whole sterile thing was a trip. I really made her feel badly because I told her we were trying and trying and it just wasn't working. Then, I went to the doctor and found out I was 100% sterile due to my testicles not able to maintain a good temperature. She was put on the spot and just couldn't recover. She felt so bad asking and that was my intention.

I have to agree with you there. There are people that plan for the future, and those are the ones that are the most responsible. The ones that don't have any plan that have them are the worst. I know a couple that had a daughter and wanted one. However, they had no plan for what to do afterwards. She is 6 years old now, and they argue over who is going to watch her from one night to the next. By the time she gets to be 12, she is going to have a complex like she is a pain in the ass to watch over. Thats not the way a child should be raised.

 

[EKKC]

Originally posted by: thepd7


It's the people who don't have a clue and then end up having kids that are the idiots and should be asked all the time "when are you going to stop having kids?"

stop with the britney-bashing!!!

 

[moshquerade]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: thepd7
I respect people who decide not to have kids more than those who end up having accidents. My roomate from a few years back decided he never wanted kids and siad he was going to get a vasectomy at 18. I don't know if he did or not but it wouldn't suprise me.

People who are smart enough to recognize that they don't want kids and don't have them are great, just like the people who love kids, prepare for having them and then do it.

It's the people who don't have a clue and then end up having kids that are the idiots and should be asked all the time "when are you going to stop having kids?"

Personally I want 4 kids though. Props to you and your wife for being responsible and that is awesome that you told someone you were sterile. LOL.

The whole sterile thing was a trip. I really made her feel badly because I told her we were trying and trying and it just wasn't working. Then, I went to the doctor and found out I was 100% sterile due to my testicles not able to maintain a good temperature. She was put on the spot and just couldn't recover. She felt so bad asking and that was my intention.

I have to agree with you there. There are people that plan for the future, and those are the ones that are the most responsible. The ones that don't have any plan that have them are the worst. I know a couple that had a daughter and wanted one. However, they had no plan for what to do afterwards. She is 6 years old now, and they argue over who is going to watch her from one night to the next. By the time she gets to be 12, she is going to have a complex like she is a pain in the ass to watch over. Thats not the way a child should be raised.

Aww, that was just mean to go into details that much and make her feel even more like crap for asking. Saying you were sterile was enough detail to shut her up.

Btw, you seem to know a bit about male infertility... makes me wonder....

What worse than being asked why you haven't had kids and having to cover when in fact you'd like to have kids and can't. That must be worse.

 

[40Hands]

Yep, you're supposed to get married and then your are to have kids. STOP QUESTIONING THE SYSTEM!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmN3MsQQohA

 

[child of wonder]

Originally posted by: lozina
It really will be like that movie Idiocracy... the intelligent folk are too busy or too analytical/cautious to have kids while the stupid folk are breeding like bunnies.

QFMFT

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: moshquerade
Before that there is immense pressure from the relatives to get you married off. :roll:

It because it's just the way things are "supposed to go". It's understandable to get sick of hearing it, but the people who say it mean no harm.

I think its the sheer amount of questions my wife has to answer to that drive her nuts. Even I have to field them at times, but not as much as her. Meaning no harm, that I agree with. However there are questions that some people should and should not ask. This is a personal matter and should not be asked IMHO.

I think the main reason why she is being asked is because she is 33. It gets harder and harder to have kids as you get older. I think people are surprised that we don't have any and she is nearing an age when it will be harder to have kids. Who wants to be raising a kid when they are 60?

Personally, I think that age and experience help matters like that to a certain extent but I digress.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: Juddog
I have chosen to not have kids either and my wife is fine with it. She doesn't want to have them and neither do I. I havent' been snipped yet, leaving the option open for some date far in the future, but to be honest there doesn't seem to be any point to it right now. We're the travelling type and have travelled to several countries in Europe and don't feel like getting pegged down in one spot and one set of jobs if we have them.

Heck the world is overpopulated enough as it is.

I have been considering getting snipped as well. However, I haven't and my wife hasn't asked that of me. You never know what will happen, and at 34, we still have time if our minds change or if something happens down the road. I figure if we haven't had any by my mid 40s, I may freeze some of my sperm and then just get snipped, but I don't know.

Just as I said, you never know what the future holds. I really don't know if I want to get put in a situation where there is no turning back.

 

[moshquerade]

Originally posted by: Nightfall

Originally posted by: moshquerade
Before that there is immense pressure from the relatives to get you married off. :roll:

It because it's just the way things are "supposed to go". It's understandable to get sick of hearing it, but the people who say it mean no harm.

I think its the sheer amount of questions my wife has to answer to that drive her nuts. Even I have to field them at times, but not as much as her. Meaning no harm, that I agree with. However there are questions that some people should and should not ask. This is a personal matter and should not be asked IMHO.

I think the main reason why she is being asked is because she is 33. It gets harder and harder to have kids as you get older. I think people are surprised that we don't have any and she is nearing an age when it will be harder to have kids. Who wants to be raising a kid when they are 60?

Personally, I think that age and experience help matters like that to a certain extent but I digress.

Well mostly just nosy people or relatives will ask. Not everyone bothers to question you about your state of affairs in life.

It's like the woman who hasn't lost her pregnancy weight and still has a belly. Who the heck would ask her or any woman, "are you pregnant"? and run the risk of it being something like I just mentioned. Some people just can't help saying the first thing that pops into their heads.

 

[DangerAardvark]

Because once you have a baby you automatically join a cult. Same goes with marriage. They're trying to recruit you into their private slice of hell.

 

[GenHoth]

Biological imperative FTW, have to love thousands of years of evolution at work in modern society

 

[sponge008]

Thus the First World goes extinct.

 

[EKKC]

Originally posted by: DangerAardvark
Because once you have a baby you automatically join a cult. Same goes with marriage. They're trying to recruit you into their private slice of hell.

exactly that's what people tend to do

Law enforcement recruit
The military recruits
Religious people recruit
Married people recruit
Gay people tries to convert others
Al Qaeda recruits
naturally, so do the "couples with babies" club.

 

[Quasmo]

Originally posted by: child of wonder

Originally posted by: lozina
It really will be like that movie Idiocracy... the intelligent folk are too busy or too analytical/cautious to have kids while the stupid folk are breeding like bunnies.

QFMFT

Exactly, have kids you idiot!

 

[MrWizzard]

It's easy for someone who has children to think they are better than someone who doesn't.

One reason I can think of is once you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.

Not saying you are just what most people say who wait to have kids till they are older.

 

[Mxylplyx]

It's your responsibility as a responsible, educated adult to pass your wisdom to a new generation. Otherwise we cede the world to the retards. Now I'm going to have to have one more because your too damn selfish to help out your own team.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: MrWizzard
It's easy for someone who has children to think they are better than someone who doesn't.

One reason I can think of is once you have had a child you realize how incredibly selfish and self centered your life has been up to that point.

Not saying you are just what most people say who wait to have kids till they are older.

That I can agree with to a point. Human beings by nature are selfish and self centered. Everyone wants things and they are only interested in their own well being for the most part. Getting married and having a successful marriage requires you to be something other than selfish and self centered. Having kids adds and extra level to that.

Its funny cause to some people, if you don't have kids, you are selfish and self centered. Even if you can't have them, the same rule applies. The key here is not caring what others think of you and doing what you feel is right for you.

 

[Nightfall]

Originally posted by: Mxylplyx
It's your responsibility as a responsible, educated adult to pass your wisdom to a new generation. Otherwise we cede the world to the retards. Now I'm going to have to have one more because your too damn selfish to help out your own team.

Have 2 for us.