<< Last time I drove 45 minutes to the other side of town to pick him up and we had a fight over money and she locked herself and him in the house and refused my visitation, I called the police. They showed up. They told me "this is a civil thing, not a legal thing..get a lawyer." Then they left. >>
My friend, welcome to penishood. You have a penis, therefore you are always the aggressor, never the victim. You don't need anyone's help or compassion, and probably don't deserve it, vis-a-vis your member status in the brotherhood of the penis.
There are innumerable organizations and government agencies entirely funded for the purpose of helping mothers and making 'fathers' pay, though the operative word should be "parent" and never carry a connotation of gender. If the roles were switched, your penis-lacking counterpart would have no trouble finding any number of attorney's or "women advocate" organizations to take up her cause - usually pro bono.
When my friend's ex-wife took the children and moved to Texas, Michigan assisted Texas in ensuring that child-support payments were then transferred to Texas. Except, for some six weeks after she moved, my friend paid into the Michigan friend of the court fund, at the same time he was forced to pay into the Texas friend of the court fund. He was getting socked DOUBLE, and it took another six weeks to get that amount credited back to him, but nobody was concerned that he could barely afford to eat AND pay rent during this time. After all, this is "for the children", right?
When his ex-wife was accused of being an unfit mother by Texas agencies, Texas called my friend and said, "Your children are being temporarily removed from their mother's home. You have 4 days to come pick them up or they're going into foster care." He dropped everything and got them. Remember, the system only cares about "the children", they don't take 'sides', or so the official line goes.
For over two months while the case was in the courts, not only did my friend continue to pay child-support to Texas, but HE HAD CUSTODY OF THE CHILDREN (including the burden of feeding, housing, clothing, buying school supplies, etc.) Texas was willing to stop tapping his paycheck, but he would need to come to Texas in order to make the necessary arrangements (paperwork). He thought that since Michigan was an advocate for the mother in her bid to have child-support transferred to Texas, then certainly Michigan would be an advocate for him to get the payments STOPPED since he now had physical custody of the children. Remember, they don't 'take sides', its "for the children", and he was falling behind in all of his responsibilities including rent.
Michigan refused to do anything, claiming it wasn't their responsibility. It was their responsibility when it was the WOMAN seeking money from another state, but not when the intervention is on the father's behalf. For the children? I've got a bridge to sell ya.
On the verge of being evicted, he finally found an attorney in Texas who would help him for a flat fee of $500. Both Michigan and Texas would provide all necessary legal assistance free of charge to mothers, but fathers don't count, I guess.
Not to sound callous, but your story is a TYPICAL one. You should consider yourself fortunate that she doesn't try to make your life REALLY difficult, because the state would unilaterally support her effort to do so; "for the children", of course.
Michael,
Basically - yes, pro bono means donated time. It is for those people in need of legal representation who are too poor to pay. I'm not sure if you will be able to get it because I do not know your financial situation, but if you speak to the state bar, they will point you in the right direction.
Basically - yes, pro bono means donated time. It is for those people in need of legal representation who are too poor to pay. I'm not sure if you will be able to get it because I do not know your financial situation, but if you speak to the state bar, they will point you in the right direction.
<< I've been dealing with this for almost six years now. I'm apathetic, burnt out and clueless about what to do now. I just dont' think about it. I can guarantee you she messes with me this weekend. Three weeks ago, she tried to hit me up for $60 for soccer. I told her no. She flipped out. Called me every name in the book..in front of him. He told her "don't yell at my Daddy" I almost cried, right there in the middle of the street. If it weren't for the fact that I'd be the first person they'd come find, I'd sell my soul and everything I own and have her whacked. I hate her that much. >>
Actually killing her doesn't do anything for you, you'd most likely end up in prison. The FBI is rather good at that sort of thing.
What it sounds like is that she doesn't fear you, that she can walk over you, and she has all the power. You need to remove some of that power from her. Once way to do that is with a lawyer and legal documents, sometimes that is the best way to do. Sometimes intimidation is the way to do it, there are other ways...
But the first problem you have is YOU. You need to put your wits back together (6 years is a long time to be beaten down), and go after her...
Jason
Unfortunately, there is a slew of male parents who have no conscience and do not look after their children. This has led to the current situation.
One other thing, whatever you do - DO NOT run with your son, you face a high risk of losing any access.
One other thing, whatever you do - DO NOT run with your son, you face a high risk of losing any access.
<< Unfortunately, there is a slew of male parents who have no conscience and do not look after their children. This has led to the current situation.
One other thing, whatever you do - DO NOT run with your son, you face a high risk of losing any access. >>
This is true, and that should be the LAST resort... But that being said, the only thing in life that matters is your son... You may or may not get caught, but do you want your son being raised by someone with so little moral base?
Jason
Pliablemoose
Lifer
- Oct 11, 1999
- 25,195
- 0
- 56
1.) Forget the taping crap, (you already did) unless she's threatening your life, the judge won't care.
2.) Keep a log of what's happening-detailed
3.) Save up & get a lawyer if you want to fight now.
4.) Don't fvck up the child, he's an innocent, leave him the hell out of things (your ex won't, but that's to your advantage)
5.) If you can stand to wait, just be a good dad, & ask him if he wants to live with you when he's 10-12 (the judge can, but doesn't have to listen to the child's wishes @ age 10 in TX, the Judge must listen @ age 12). Allude to it now, as a possibility, but don't make a big deal about it, just mention it as an option, and don't threaten your ex with it (we all do/did, but cut it out now, anyway)
6.) Bide your time, it'll be your turn if you do things right.
7.) I didn't do it, but you can act as your own attny in these issues, do some research, if you're in the DFW area, I can recommend an attny or 2 if you choose to retain one.
I have custody of my 12 year old daughter & went through a years long battle even after I was awarded custody, & just sent my ex to jail this spring for 3 days in one of the nastiest, skankiest, father-rapininist jail in Texas. It felt great. She's currently in the UK, and I have enough on her to have her thrown in jail again & look @ some more fines, attny's fees & court costs next time she dares to present to the U.S. (I can't have her served in the UK). She called the DAY AFTER the WTC/Pentagon terrorism & asked the child to get on a plane & fly to the UK; what a POS:|
Our daughter is gifted, has spent the last 2 summers at TX A&M gifted camps, & is worth every second of heartache & every penny that I spent in court.
I know life sort of sucks for you now, but it'll get better, biggest trick is to learn to be like Ghandi and not look like a reactionist jerk to the judge. I cut a deal with the local PD prior to being awarded custody & did exchanges @ the PD, safe neutral place, and they didn't have to respond to her lunatic 911 calls every time I stopped by for visitation.
Two words for your relationship with your son; UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
2.) Keep a log of what's happening-detailed
3.) Save up & get a lawyer if you want to fight now.
4.) Don't fvck up the child, he's an innocent, leave him the hell out of things (your ex won't, but that's to your advantage)
5.) If you can stand to wait, just be a good dad, & ask him if he wants to live with you when he's 10-12 (the judge can, but doesn't have to listen to the child's wishes @ age 10 in TX, the Judge must listen @ age 12). Allude to it now, as a possibility, but don't make a big deal about it, just mention it as an option, and don't threaten your ex with it (we all do/did, but cut it out now, anyway)
6.) Bide your time, it'll be your turn if you do things right.
7.) I didn't do it, but you can act as your own attny in these issues, do some research, if you're in the DFW area, I can recommend an attny or 2 if you choose to retain one.
I have custody of my 12 year old daughter & went through a years long battle even after I was awarded custody, & just sent my ex to jail this spring for 3 days in one of the nastiest, skankiest, father-rapininist jail in Texas. It felt great. She's currently in the UK, and I have enough on her to have her thrown in jail again & look @ some more fines, attny's fees & court costs next time she dares to present to the U.S. (I can't have her served in the UK). She called the DAY AFTER the WTC/Pentagon terrorism & asked the child to get on a plane & fly to the UK; what a POS:|
Our daughter is gifted, has spent the last 2 summers at TX A&M gifted camps, & is worth every second of heartache & every penny that I spent in court.
I know life sort of sucks for you now, but it'll get better, biggest trick is to learn to be like Ghandi and not look like a reactionist jerk to the judge. I cut a deal with the local PD prior to being awarded custody & did exchanges @ the PD, safe neutral place, and they didn't have to respond to her lunatic 911 calls every time I stopped by for visitation.
Two words for your relationship with your son; UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
<< You needn't sell your soul to get her wacked...
>>That is true, but if they are having a family dispute, he will be looked at very, very hard...
Unless you can find a true professional, he'll get caught. Hiring "brother billy bob joe" doesn't do any good... You need a true professional killer, and they don't advertise in the yellow pages...
Jason
- Jan 16, 2001
- 31,528
- 3
- 76
Nah; I'd never swipe him and run. That would make me the "horrible father" that she's been accusing me of being. I would never ruin my life or give her that satisfaction. I don't argue with her anymore. Haven't in almost two years. She screams, I hang up, or drive away.
<< 1.) Forget the taping crap, (you already did) unless she's threatening your life, the judge won't care.
2.) Keep a log of what's happening-detailed
3.) Save up & get a lawyer if you want to fight now.
4.) Don't fvck up the child, he's an innocent, leave him the hell out of things (your ex won't, but that's to your advantage)
5.) If you can stand to wait, just be a good dad, & ask him if he wants to live with you when he's 10-12 (the judge can, but doesn't have to listen to the child's wishes @ age 10 in TX, the Judge must listen @ age 12). Allude to it now, as a possibility, but don't make a big deal about it, just mention it as an option, and don't threaten your ex with it (we all do/did, but cut it out now, anyway)
6.) Bide your time, it'll be your turn if you do things right.
7.) I didn't do it, but you can act as your own attny in these issues, do some research, if you're in the DFW area, I can recommend an attny or 2 if you choose to retain one.
I have custody of my 12 year old daughter & went through a years long battle even after I was awarded custody, & just sent my ex to jail this spring for 3 days in one of the nastiest, skankiest, father-rapininist jail in Texas. It felt great. She's currently in the UK, and I have enough on her to have her thrown in jail again & look @ some more fines, attny's fees & court costs next time she dares to present to the U.S. (I can't have her served in the UK). She called the DAY AFTER the WTC/Pentagon terrorism & asked the child to get on a plane & fly to the UK; what a POS:|
Our daughter is gifted, has spent the last 2 summers at TX A&M gifted camps, & is worth every second of heartache & every penny that I spent in court.
I know life sort of sucks for you now, but it'll get better, biggest trick is to learn to be like Ghandi and not look like a reactionist jerk to the judge. I cut a deal with the local PD prior to being awarded custody & did exchanges @ the PD, safe neutral place, and they didn't have to respond to her lunatic 911 calls every time I stopped by for visitation.
Two words for your relationship with your son; UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. >>
And that story is why you try ALL legal efforts first, even if you have to spend lots of money, or go into debt...
Nothing matters more than your son, and there are a number of legal things you can do. You should try the legal stuff first, just be sure to mind your Ps & Qs.
Jason
<< Nah; I'd never swipe him and run. That would make me the "horrible father" that she's been accusing me of being. I would never ruin my life or give her that satisfaction. I don't argue with her anymore. Haven't in almost two years. She screams, I hang up, or drive away. >>
And she has what she wants, and you don't...
She doesn't do this because she is stupid... News flash, you gave up, she won...
As for swiping him and running, ask yourself this... Do you love your son? Do you want the best for him? Do you think he is being raised by a warm and loving mother?
If the answer to the last question is no, you MUST intervene...
Jason
I disagree... this is not a time to go out and act completely irrational by getting all pissed off and getting in a bitching contest with the ex.
You lay it down, plain and simple. Once you've decided on a means of action (lawyer, hitman, ect..) you tell her (in case of the first) "This is what is going to happen. Deal with it." And while she bitches and screams, you say it again. And again. And again until she shuts the hell up and realizes what is going on.
You lay it down, plain and simple. Once you've decided on a means of action (lawyer, hitman, ect..) you tell her (in case of the first
) "This is what is going to happen. Deal with it." And while she bitches and screams, you say it again. And again. And again until she shuts the hell up and realizes what is going on. << I do not begrudge my obligation; you play you pay, it's that simple. >>
I respect your attitude towards your resonpsibilities... I wish more guys felt the way you do (in my book, 1 deadbeat dad is 1 too many).
-geoff
Azraele
Elite Member
- Nov 5, 2000
- 16,524
- 29
- 91
Aww, what a tough situaion.
Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to deal with her as best you can. Try not to let her get away with everything. Put your foot down when you can. You don't want to teach her by example that she can walk all over you, but do choose your battles.
Start saving up, keep loose change in a jar, squirrel away a dollar or two here or there and get some legal counsel.
Good luck to you.
Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to deal with her as best you can. Try not to let her get away with everything. Put your foot down when you can. You don't want to teach her by example that she can walk all over you, but do choose your battles.
Start saving up, keep loose change in a jar, squirrel away a dollar or two here or there and get some legal counsel.
Good luck to you.
It sucks, but I really dont have much sympathy, you should pick the people you have kids with better.
- Jan 16, 2001
- 31,528
- 3
- 76
Thanks everyone for the links and pep talk. You guys and gals rock. I needed a pep talk; I have to see her twice this weekend. It's not that I'm a spineless wuss; on the contrary, I love to argue and would really like nothing more than to do just that. But it's pointless. Like talking to a wall.
When she starts yelling like a lunatic, I tell her "you know, I'd love to continue this lovely conversation with you, but it's hard to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." And I walk away.
The problem is that she likes to randomly call my job and tell whoever picks up the phone what a horrible father I am. I can't afford to look bad at my job. Granted, she hasn't done this in over a year, but it used to be habit w/her. I'd hate for her to start that crap again.
I feel strong right now. I'll be fine this weekend. Benjamin and I thank you very much.
When she starts yelling like a lunatic, I tell her "you know, I'd love to continue this lovely conversation with you, but it's hard to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." And I walk away.
The problem is that she likes to randomly call my job and tell whoever picks up the phone what a horrible father I am. I can't afford to look bad at my job. Granted, she hasn't done this in over a year, but it used to be habit w/her. I'd hate for her to start that crap again.
I feel strong right now. I'll be fine this weekend. Benjamin and I thank you very much.
Brother I feel for you...
I would like some input on my situation...
I pay about $450/month to my ex for my child support for my daughter. Heres the kicker...my wife (been married about 2.5 years now) and I and her 2 kids moved close to my ex (about 5 miles away)so that we could have my daughter over more and so she wouldn't have to go to daycare. My visitation is Thurs-Sat and every other Sun (the court told us we could settle on our own vistitation schedule since this was not a contested divorce, but my ex was given custody, there is no joint custody in Fla.). She comes over to our house everyday except Monday after school and her mother comes by and picks her up after work. Here mother lives in a $300K+ home, has 3 cars (just bought a 320I BMW) and her income has gone up significantly since our divorce. My wife says that we need to stop paying her....I agree....but I'm also afraid that she will then take the very liberal visitations away from us.....do I run that risk..the extra $450 would be a big help right now....
Just to set the record straight too...I did not cause the divorce...my ex ran off with a co-worker and left me and my daughter and ALL the debt....of course came back for her...took me 4 years to clear up the debt!
I would like some input on my situation...
I pay about $450/month to my ex for my child support for my daughter. Heres the kicker...my wife (been married about 2.5 years now) and I and her 2 kids moved close to my ex (about 5 miles away)so that we could have my daughter over more and so she wouldn't have to go to daycare. My visitation is Thurs-Sat and every other Sun (the court told us we could settle on our own vistitation schedule since this was not a contested divorce, but my ex was given custody, there is no joint custody in Fla.). She comes over to our house everyday except Monday after school and her mother comes by and picks her up after work. Here mother lives in a $300K+ home, has 3 cars (just bought a 320I BMW) and her income has gone up significantly since our divorce. My wife says that we need to stop paying her....I agree....but I'm also afraid that she will then take the very liberal visitations away from us.....do I run that risk..the extra $450 would be a big help right now....
Just to set the record straight too...I did not cause the divorce...my ex ran off with a co-worker and left me and my daughter and ALL the debt....of course came back for her...took me 4 years to clear up the debt!
<< Notfred,
You are right. Normally a comment like that would make me get the industrial-strength flame-thrower, but no one is harder on me about this situation, than myself. I rue the day I ever said "hello" to that woman. >>
Yeah, I didn't say it jsut to be mean, and I'm sure you've learned your lesson
, but you do know that it's your own fault. It really does suck though, there are lot of men/women who can't deal responsibly with situations like this.I truly feel sorry for your situation, my dad was in a similar situation lots of years ago, and i've heard many of horror stories myself.
if you're depressed, think about your child, about his bright future, don't think about the mom, it serves no purpose, think about the bright little guy. Think about how much you love him, and charish that. That is the only thing worthwhile in life, it's the ultimate wish anyone could have.
Now, that doesn't mean you should let yourself get treated like dirt by that woman, try find out more information about lawyers who do cases like that for low prices, what could you possibly lose by going to court...
do not do anything illegal/stupid, you'll regret that, and your son will end up seeing you as the one to blame. in situations like these, the nice people end up with the best prizes *in the long run*.
don't lose hope.
Aelus
if you're depressed, think about your child, about his bright future, don't think about the mom, it serves no purpose, think about the bright little guy. Think about how much you love him, and charish that. That is the only thing worthwhile in life, it's the ultimate wish anyone could have.
Now, that doesn't mean you should let yourself get treated like dirt by that woman, try find out more information about lawyers who do cases like that for low prices, what could you possibly lose by going to court...
do not do anything illegal/stupid, you'll regret that, and your son will end up seeing you as the one to blame. in situations like these, the nice people end up with the best prizes *in the long run*.
don't lose hope.
Aelus
Put a hidden tape on you (if its legal in your state) and tape the conversations that occur when you drop him off at her home. If she curses you, etc. you take the tape to court and file a showcause action asking the judge to put him with you. She will probably also have court ordered counseling. Get the tape (check your state laws, in NC its legal), talk to an attorney. Start tracing the phone calls to work. Once you get proof take the document log with you to court (get more than 3).
Pm me if you have questions.
Pm me if you have questions.
- Jan 16, 2001
- 31,528
- 3
- 76
Thanks, FettsBabe,
I never thought that there were attorneys who would do something like this for free, so I never bothered taping anything...I know that she has (has tried to) because she's not that slick..I can hear things clicking in the background and hear her coworkers pick up the extension when she calls me. Whenever she calls me first, I am very cautious about what I say; not committing my time or funds, stuff like that.
When I have to call her (believe me, I don't if I don't absolutely have to!) I call at odd times and never, ever tell her when I 'll call next. When I go pick him up, I do not enter her house. I wait outside in the car, or stand on the front lawn......in the past, when we dated, she got physically violent and hit me a few times. I don't hit women and she knows this. I would hate for her to hit me...then call the cops and say I beat her...this is Texas, the man is ALWAYS wrong, even if he's the one with the split lip. Thanks for the advice, FettsBabe.
I never thought that there were attorneys who would do something like this for free, so I never bothered taping anything...I know that she has (has tried to) because she's not that slick..I can hear things clicking in the background and hear her coworkers pick up the extension when she calls me. Whenever she calls me first, I am very cautious about what I say; not committing my time or funds, stuff like that.
When I have to call her (believe me, I don't if I don't absolutely have to!) I call at odd times and never, ever tell her when I 'll call next. When I go pick him up, I do not enter her house. I wait outside in the car, or stand on the front lawn......in the past, when we dated, she got physically violent and hit me a few times. I don't hit women and she knows this. I would hate for her to hit me...then call the cops and say I beat her...this is Texas, the man is ALWAYS wrong, even if he's the one with the split lip. Thanks for the advice, FettsBabe.
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